Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Season Finale: Kenley's Leaves, Korto's Ugly Mom, And Leanne's Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

As happens every week, my running diary of tonight's season finale will no doubt be filled with criticisms about how dumb this show is (I don't even get to see J-Lo as a celebrity judge. WTF?) so let me take a moment to say something nice:

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)

But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)

So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...

You're stupid.


And now, the season finale:

9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.

Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.

9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.

9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."

As am I.

9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).

9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."

9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.

9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.

Kenley: "She's insane."

My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."

Me: "She's insane."

(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)

9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.

9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."

There's a contradiction in there somewhere.

9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.

Good dog.

9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.

9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.

OK then.

9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.

While wearing leaves in her hair.

9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!

Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."

9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?

Run, Korto's husband. Run.

Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.

9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.

9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."

9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:

"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."

Uh, ya think?

9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.

I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?

9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?

9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.

Just sayin'.

9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.

9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?

9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.

9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.

9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.

9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:

"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"

9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.

9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?

9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.

9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.

9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.

9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"


Final thoughts:

Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?

And the honest answer is:

Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?

Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog ( and my podcast (

Auf Wiedersehen.

(Kiss. Kiss.)

Monday, October 13, 2008

A Heidi See-Through I Missed, Different Thoughts On Jerell, And A Kenley Fact That Makes Me Feel Better: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

Sorry for the delay in the mailbag. I was up at Stanford for my fiancee's alumni weekend. It gave me an opportunity to remind myself of why I hate sports bars. They're loud, full of drunks, you can't move, and you can't hear the TV.

It's like being at a family function.

Anyways, the final mailbag before the season finale. Kristi isn't happy. Why is that?

If they would have gotten rid of Kenley last week like they were supposed too, my beloved Jerell wouldn't be gone. OK, so his bridesmaid dress was a hot mess, but who cares. He's Jerell. He's fabulous.

And it kills me to admit this, but Kenley's wedding and bridesmaid dress were kinda cute.

I just hope she doesn't win. PR can't disappoint me like that!

P.S. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spend half of your post discussing Heidi's see-through shirt from the beginning of the episode.

Admittedly, I missed that. It's time you know: I'm like most males. After a while, I get bored and need variety.

Jessie wrote:

I'm in agreement with Kristi.... I can't believe you didn't mention Heidi's shirts. I think both of them were see-through.

All right all right. Next time Heidi wears a see-through, I'll write about that and nothing else. Just to keep y'all happy.

Orion wrote:

Jerell's dress was ridiculous. I thought the bridesmaid's dress was quite good. His "love interest" turned my stomach. And the mental image of them together? That was enough for me to want him auf'd.

Leanne's dresses were both really nicely done and it was nice to see Karalyn again. I like how the bridesmaid dress covered up the knife wound scar in Karalyn's back.

Korto's was, disappointing. But I think what was more disappointing was her hair in Little Rock.

Kenley's was awesome but.... She has no friends and family? At all?! Just a picture of gran? That was really, REALLY sad and made me empathize (or is it sympathize) with her all the more.

It's sympathize. I'm an editor. I know these things.

Gay.after.a.few wrote:

Thanks for the updates, Nev. I've ditched the show for baseball. I'll watch the finally (yes "finally," not "finale") with the gf. I did see a picture of Kenley's wedding gown. WTF? All that was missing was a birdcage hat. How'd you like to see your fiancee come down the aisle in that? You're right about one thing: bridesmaids are easy.

Aren't they? And here's the funny thing: Maids of honor are not. They're harder to climb than Everest. But bridesmaids are the opposite. Is it jealousy on their end? Is it because the MOH is too busy keeping the bride in check?

And finally, my good friend Sylvia wrote:

Just had to let you know all you really have in common with Kenley is the grandma reference. She is from Florida and moved to Brooklyn. Hope that makes you feel a little better. =)

Sylvia, you have no idea. :-)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Episode 13: Wedding Dresses, Leanne's Boring Boyfriend, And Jerell's Brief Manly Vibe: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So one of my loyal readers, Kristi, passed along a link this morning featuring a 90-second clip of the Project Runway final four on Regis and Kelly. Be warned: If you watch it, you will see the following disturbing images:

---Korto and Kenley hugging.

---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.

---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.

Leanne does nothing.

As is the norm.

With that said, Episode 12:

9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.

9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.

9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.

9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.

I'm confused.

9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?

9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.

9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.

9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.

9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.

9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.

9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.

As they show a picture of a tree.


They got trees.

9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.

It was nice while it lasted.

9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.

Does Leanne have any friends?


9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:

"From South Central to gay runway designer."

Quite an accomplishment.

9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.

9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.

Jerell cries.

You knew it was only a matter of time.

9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."

It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.

9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.


9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.

9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.

9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.

Now the healing can begin.

9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.

9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.

God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.

9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.

Either way, problem solved.

9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.

Win-win for all involved.

9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.

Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"

Trust me: Nathan said that.

9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.

(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)

9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.

9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.

9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:


9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.


9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.

Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."

I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.

9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.

9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.

9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.

Final thoughts:

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.

As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.

Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's Official: No One Likes This Show: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag:

If the comments I received after last episode were any indication, I'm not the only one who hates this show (damn, I thought I had the market cornered). Check out what readers had to say:

Another Suburban Mom said:

The ending was lame. I was watching Criminal Minds last night and turned on PR for the last five minutes.

I think they did that because the producers don't want Kenley to go.

If I was Miss Jerrell, I would be pissed!

ASM, I would love nothing more than to only watch the last five minutes of the show, find out who lost, and then bullshit the first 55 minutes of the blog. Hell, I doubt anyone would even notice. Just talk about Korto's ass, Kenley's self-esteem issues, and Jerell's crying and ironing. Who would know the difference?

Kristi said:

I knew they were going to pull a stunt like not eliminating anyone. Last year PR did the same thing.

I can't believe they didn't send Kenley home. I so do not want to watch 12 50s style dresses come down the runway.

And the thing is, Kenley has no endearing qualities. She's not pretty, her voice makes you want to pull out her tongue and strangle her, and her clothes aren't even good enough to be considered bad in a "oh man that's so bad that it's actually funny" kind of way. How hard could it be to tell her to go home and throw her clothes out of the window? I'd of volunteered for luggage tossing duty.

And finally, Stephanie said:

Okay but seriously, Kenley's dress looked so ridiculous, and she needs to shut the fuck up and stop trying to defend herself.

Any artist worth their salt will listen to critique, evaluate it, and then decide whether or not it's something that they should address in their work. Kenley never even listens.

I've never met a woman who listens.

Even the female dog I had growing up would just sit there when I told her to get my slippers.

Damn dog.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Episode 12: Jerell Plays With Syrup, Everyone Hates Kenley, And "Tulle": A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Since I forgot to plug my other blogs during my last mailbag...and because I have nothing interesting to say in the moments prior to tonight's episode, here are my plugs: This week, I talk about the rising prices of double cheeseburgers: How the downfall of the U.S. economy affects me. :-)

And there's my most recent podcast at This week's topics include: A salute to football's barbarism, the cost to pray during Jewish New Year's, and a "shocking" study that says texting while driving is dangerous (yes, millions of dollars were spent figuring this out.)

I offer this guarantee: You'll find at least one of these more entertaining than tonight's episode.

If I don't deliver on this guarantee, I'll send you a personal expired, out-of-state check.

You can take that to the bank.

And with that, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Korto is giving the whole "going after my dreams" speech. Her fat ass needs to go after a cardio bike, that's what I think.

9:01 p.m. Kenley says Leanne made her last outfit look like a fool's outfit. Yeah, that was it.

9:02 p.m. Jerell is playing with syrup and apples.

Now, if you were about to walk into a room and saw someone on the floor playing with syrup and apples, and that person was older than 10, wouldn't you...pause?

9:02 p.m. OK, that is seriously the hottest I have ever seen Heidi. Can we get a "make Heidi wear leopard print in every remaining episode" petition going?

9:03 p.m. Kenley doesn't know where they're going on their field trip. Why is it that every time they venture outside, someone says, "I don't know where we're going." Of course you don't know. That's the point. It's supposed to be a surprise. Like when your parents make you think you're going to Disneyland and they actually drop you off at the dentist.

9:05 p.m. Collier Strong (???) tells the designers to create an evening gown inspired by nature. If I was doing this challenge, I'd gain inspiration by pissing on a tree.

It would take me back to my youth.

9:06 p.m. A bee stings Leanne. When a bee stings someone, doesn't that bee die?

Poor bee. What a waste.

9:07 p.m. Now Korto's giving the whole "win one for my mamma" speech. Christ, shut up and drink a Slim Fast.

9:10 p.m. Now Korto's singing. Everything she does tonight is bugging me. I hope she trips.

9:10 p.m. Jerell is seriously mumbling. I can't understand a word he's saying tonight. Something about "garments" and "low class." Keep him away from my syrup.

9:10 p.m. Leanne's outfit is "organic." I once wrote a blog talking about this organic myth. Read about it here. The gist: Preservatives and hormones will help you live forever.

9:11 p.m. Kenley asks, "Where's my tool?" Is that a reference to Daniel?

9:11 p.m. Fun little tidbit from fiancee Ramona:

"Tool is actually 'tulle', Nev."

I'll file that under "useless fact."

9:16 p.m. Kenley isn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Which is why she looks at everyone else longingly, with those "I'm so lonely" eyes.

9:17 p.m. Jerell's "tulle" is not for sale.


9:18 p.m. Tim says Kenley can get another "tulle."


9:18 p.m. Korto is stressed. I hope she loses her "tulle."

This is fun.


9:19 p.m. You know it's bad when Jerell is making fun of Kenley to his model. That's like speaking about your ex-girlfriend to your dog. In both scenarios, the response you get is a blank stare and some licks.

9:21 p.m. Kenley has always been left out and she doesn't know why.

Ramona: "You don't know why? It's because you're a bitch. No one likes you."

Couldn't have said it better.

9:22 p.m. Kenley's dad was a tugboat captain. Somehow, that explains a lot.

9:27 p.m. Korto's talking about one-inch trims and she thinks we care.

9:27 p.m. Tim says Kenley's dress looks like fish scales. Kenley takes that as a compliment.

Those two just aren't on the same page. Kind of like North and South Korea.

9:28 p.m. Now Jerell refers to his design as organic. Just once, I'd like someone to refer to their outfit as "greasy."

9:30 p.m. In case you weren't 100 percent sure that Jerell was gay:

He's crying.

As he irons.

9:30 p.m. Korto prays.

And cries.

I hope her ass makes her topple off her chair.

9:31 p.m. Kenley hates what everyone does. Daughter of tugboat captains are pretty negative, I hear.

9:37 p.m. Does Michael Kors ever change his clothes?

9:37 p.m. I have no idea who the guest judge is, but she's hot as hell. That's all that matters.

9:38 p.m. Jerell isn't wearing one of his "psycho, dictator-ish" hats during the judging. Doesn't he know anything about superstition?

9:40 p.m. Hot celebrity judge speaks. Who cares what's she saying? She has pouty lips.

9:40 p.m. Is hot celebrity judge hotter than Heidi? Or is it just me craving a change of pace 12 episodes in? You decide.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's model reminds me of a dog. She doesn't smile, she blinks randomly, and she occassionally tilts her head. It makes make want to throw her a ball and see if she'll run after it.

9:43 p.m. OK, even hot celebrity judge doesn't get a pass for the third "organic" comment of the evening. Christ, what does that even mean? The dress doesn't have that recyclyed, reusable look?

9:43 p.m. Kenley said she wanted to stay away from pretty.

Mission accomplished.

9:43 p.m. Judge Nina just now realizes that Kenley gets defensive. Welcome to the show, sweetheart.

9:44 p.m. You go, Michael Kors (who never changes his clothes). He's the first one to make Kenley shut up.

9:44 p.m. Jerell's about to cry. I'm going to drink some syrup.

9:46 p.m. Korto's a mother and she still has a dream. Jerell cries. I heave.

9:46 p.m. Kenley says she's fought her way through life. What? You had to eat non-organic foods?

9:47 p.m. Kenley insults Korto. Korto fights back. They should battle in a tugboat match. Loser loses their "tulle."


Tee hee.

9:49 p.m. Hot celebrity judge has a British accent. Her hotness factor has risen.

9:50 p.m. Michael Kors: "If a buyer tells Kenley, 'I don't like that sleeve,' what's she going to do? Take a knife and kill them?"

I wouldn't be surprised. That girl has issues.

9:53 p.m. During the commercial, Ramona gives me a rundown of how previous Project Runways did the final episodes. I tune her out.

9:57 p.m. Jerell wins. Jerell cries. Jerell goes off to play with apples.

9:57 p.m. Everybody will make collections for Fashion Week. No one loses. To all you Kenley haters out there: She remains a New York cockroach.

9:58 p.m. Group hug. Sans Kenley. Feel the love and the tension. Like a bad relationship.

Final thoughts:

So following the show, Ramona had to spend 15 minutes explaining to me three things: 1) What collections were. 2) What Fashion Week was. And 3) The fact that this last challenge was essentially pointless because Jerell got nothing for winning and no one got eliminated.

So essentially, I just wasted an hour of my life. While baseball playoffs are on.


You're all "tulles."



Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Readers Speak Among Themselves: The weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

You know what's funny? My readers are developing a kinship with one another. After the last episode, y'all left comments speaking to each other more than me. It's like I'm not even here. I've developed a sort of "gatekeeper" role. :-)


Another Suburban Mom writes:

How awesome would it be to have a challenge be designing for Dolly Parton with Dolly as the judge, and watching the designers scramble to design for boobies on a boobieless model.

Also, I don't care who you are, or how cool and cutting edge you think you are, Dolly Parton makes you smile.

To which Kristi responded:

Suburban Mom - You are a genius. A Dolly Parton Challenge would be fabulous!

Did anyone else have that song lyric "momma said knock you out..i'm goona knock you out" playing in their heads as Kenley ARGUED with LL?

To which Ramona replied:

I agree kristi, I can't wait for next week's episode. Those clips of everyone crying looked sooo juicy. Sounds like kenley's got a persecution complex going on, which is pretty fun when you consider Korto escaped from a civil war in Liberia as a child and got political asylum. Love that irony :)

To which gay.after.a.few said:

Mad props to Ramona for not encouraging your bad jokes.

Y'all should start a club. The "Talk About Nev's Project Run(A)Way Blog" coolness gang.

Make yourselves team jackets.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Episode 11: Designers Designing For Designers, And Refusing To Buckle Under The 'Hate Kenley' Pressure: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

It's been a week since the last episode and I'm still getting comments (both written and verbal) displaying intense hatred for Kenley. Yes, she's strange. Yes, her clothes are Disney/acid trip-ish. Yes, she thinks she walks on water. But damn, it's like y'all are marines and she's Osama. Get some perspective, for crying out loud.

That said, far it be from me not to listen to the people. You all have risen as one voice and declared, "BASH KENLEY!!" As a result, this week there's only thing to do:

Praise Kenley at every opportunity.


For this week's episode, every time I speak about Kenley, I'm going to be full of glowing praise. Her crappy clothes will be declared colorful. Her snide remarks about her fellow designers will be deemed quirky. Her weird-shaped boobs will be looked upon as naturally refreshing.


It gives me something to do.


With that said, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Suede's wearing a hat. It makes him look like one of those weird guys you see at the park, trying to lure small children into his car with sweets.

9:02 p.m. Heidi's in a long skirt.


9:02 p.m. Kenley picks Topacio!!! Hell, this isn't even false praise. Kenley is awesome awesome awesome!! Topacio survives!!


9:03 p.m. Leanne takes Suede's model. And personally, I like that viciousness. Next thing she should do is kick Suede in the nuts. Then steal his hat.

Just throwing out ideas.

9:04 p.m. The designers have to design for each other. Suede designs for Jerell ("Suede's OK with this," says Suede). Kenley's designing for Leanne (Leanne is going to look hotter than ever before because Kenley's designs are awesome!!). Korto for Suede (how will Suede look in neon yellow?). Jerell for Kenley (I sense a psycho hat in Kenley's future). And Leanne for Korto (if Leanne was really vicious, she'd insist that Korto cut her hair).

9:06 p.m. The designers have to design based on a musical genre. Kenley thinks pop is cheesy.

She's so perceptive.

9:07 p.m. Korto's design is country. Leanne's is hip-hop. Just ask them to cure cancer while you're at it.

9:08 p.m. Leanne raps like all white people rap. Badly. Seriously, that was painful. Word.

9:09 p.m. Jerell is going to make Kenley into Kenley Spears. Kenley can totally pull off Kenley Spears. Kenley is so multi-faceted.

9:10 p.m. OK, so the camera just focused on Korto's ass in jeans, and it's hideous. Here's my "girl's ass in jeans" theory: If a girl's ass don't look good in jeans, dump her. Dump her hard, dump her fast, dump her twice if necessary. Why? Because if her ass don't look good in jeans, her ass don't look good out of those jeans.

You feel me?

9:12 p.m. Pants ain't Kenley's thing. It's OK, Kenley. Pants ain't easy. It requires holes for two legs.

9:16 p.m. Jerell: "Can I get a 'Hip Hip Jerell?'"


9:17 p.m. Kenley is worried that Jerell thinks she has a better body than she really does. Kenley shouldn't worry. Her body is smokin'. She's just insecure.

9:17 p.m. Korto, don't bring Jesus into this. Christ, He has enough on his plate without having to worry about your fat ass.

9:19 p.m. Kenley's boobs look so...naturally refreshing.

(Christ, this "Praise Kenley" thing is difficult.)

9:20 p.m. Does Jerell's design need more?

Tim: "Only if it's the right more."

What does that even mean? I hate soliloquies.

9:22 p.m. Tim: "How's Suede?"

Great Tim. Encourage him.

9:22 p.m. Tim needs to leave Kenley alone. If she says hip-hop isn't oversized, then it isn't oversized. Plus, I'm not into Tim's comments about her "sarcasm and facetiousness." He's just threatened because a woman dares to speak her mind.

(How was that? Was I convincing?)

9:28 p.m. Korto: "So Kenley is a hip-hop designer."



Best to say no more.

9:30 p.m. Kenley seriously looks like a different person without makeup. I'm not saying this in a good or bad way. I'm just pointing out that I honestly didn't recognize her sans Loreal.

9:31 p.m. Korto says the words "butt naked." And despite my better judgment, that image tried to force its way into my head.

I got lucky, though. Her ass wouldn't fit into my thoughts.

9:31 p.m. Jerell points out that Korto has junk in the trunk.

Off camera, he ran like hell. Hence the theory.

9:33 p.m. I am racking my brain trying to come up with a clever way to say all the designers look like total idiots in their hair and makeup, but nothing comes to mind. The best thing I can come up with is "circus people."

9:33 p.m. I just read that last part to my fiancee. Her response:


Not even a pity laugh. I didn't think it was that bad.

9:40 p.m. The last few episodes, Heidi has been doing this "not great in the first outfit but totally smokin' in the second outfit" thing. At least she's ending strong.

9:40 p.m. LL Cool J is a guest judge and he's straight. He's officially been named the coolest guest judge of the season.

9:40 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say it (political correctness be damned): Korto looks like a black person trying to pretend she's country. And she's failing. And she knows it.

It's tough trying to be someone you're not. Ask Closet Gay Joe.

9:41 p.m. I gotta say: Kenley is smokin' in Jerell's outfit. To any straight men reading this: Tell me you did not just say "Whoa."

9:41 p.m. Watching Leanne walk down the aisle and trying to act gangsta was like listening to her rap: Painful.


9:41 p.m. I didn't think it was possible for Suede to look scarier than he did. But give Korto credit: She achieved the impossible.

9:41 p.m. Jerell looks like a cross-dresser. And later, a judge will say that Jerell looks like Jerell.


9:45 p.m. I can't remember a word LL Cool J says, and honestly, I'm too lazy to rewind. But you know what? He sounds like he knows what he's talking about. That's a straight man quality, people.

9:46 p.m. Heidi hates Kenley's pants. But pants are hard, people. You need holes for two legs!!

9:48 p.m. LL to Korto: "If I saw you on an elevator and I didn't see your boots, I'm not sure if I would know that that's a country outfit."

Now that, people, is feedback for short-attention spans like me: Simple, straight and to the point. LL is awesome. He once played a football star high on cocaine, you know.

9:56 p.m. Korto wins by making Suede look like a psycho. That's like winning at blackjack by being dealt a blackjack. It requires no thought.

9:57 p.m. Kenley survives. As well she should. She has more promise as a designer.

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede's leaving."

Nev: "Nev's happy."

9:59 p.m. Suede has ended his tenure by saying "Suede" five times. Can we seriously get security to lead him off the set?

And kick him in the nuts? And steal his hat?

Final thoughts:

OK, enough with the false Kenley praise. I'm stunned she's still alive. She can't make pants? How hard are pants? They're pants!! It's like making omelettes and not knowing how to add cheese. Jesus, she's a moron. Plus, she's giving Tim attitude? Why don't I just pour milk over my boss' head and say, "Stop telling me how to do my job. And then give me a promotion."

Pouring milk might be smarter.

As for Suede: If Kenley doesn't go, then he's the obvious choice. That third-person nonsense was getting really old (it was hardly worth writing about toward the end) and...he's just weird. He's like one of those guys who sit in the middle of the living room floor naked and eating brownies. You have no idea what's going on inside his head, and it's scary.

Great, now I have Suede eating brownies naked stuck in my head. That combined with Korto's "butt naked" comment would kill lesser men.

Until next time.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Kenley Haters Everywhere: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

OK, first the shameless plugs. Go to to read about how a hopeless romantic (me) proposes marriage to his longtime girlfriend. Check it out. You'll learn something. :-)

Also, I do a weekly podcast called "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," which can be found at Now you don't just get to read about what I have to say on stupid topics. You can hear me too. (!)

A lot of you HATED Kenley after the last episode. Maybe it was jealousy over the fact that her "before" picture wasn't half bad, I don't know. I rip on her, as we all know, but readers showed a downright loathing for "Bitch of Daniel."

Another Suburban Mom writes:

I hate Kenley. I just want to gag her with some leftover fabric, rip that stupid flower out of her hair and shove it up her butt. I wish she would leave my tv.

Geez ASM, tell us how you really feel. If you come across Kenley in a dark alley, I will fear for her life. LOL

Kristi writes:

I used to love Kenley, but the last few episodes have made me want to stick something sharp in her eye!

I advise a knife. Simple, sharp, effective, cheap. And it likely won't break on impact.

Stephanie writes:

Dude, words cannot describe my loathing for Kenley at this point. I can't believe none of the judges confronted her about giggling on the runway when someone else's work was being critiqued. What, is she twelve? She can't control herself? How rude.

In Kenley's defense, I was downright in hysterics when I saw some of the crap that was walking down the runway. Sometimes, it's just too hard to keep a straight face. Especially seeing Joe's fat model.

And speaking of Joe's fat model, Steph also added:

Joe's poor model was not fat, he just dressed her in exceptionally unflattering clothing.

I agree about the clothes. Joe needed to find something better for fat model Laura to wear. Perhaps a tarp?

And finally, on a completely different note, gay.after.a.few writes:

Do you know how many bacteria live in jacuzzi's? You're probably like a hetero-petri dish at this point.

In my defense, it was to win a bet.

I won $5.

And respect.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Episode 10: Ugly Mothers, Their Not-So-Hot Daughters And More Closet Gay Jokes Than Usual: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I'm guessing I'm in the minority when I say that I was bummed to hear Jennifer Lopez would not be the celebrity judge on the season finale of Project Runway. She'd of been a hell of a lot hotter than the other female celebrity judges we've seen this season.

Plus, I loved her in "Selena."

It's my guilty pleasure.

With that said, Episode 10:

9:01 p.m. Suede's got the "I'm an artist and don't care what you think" shades going on. Not workin' for me, Whackadoodle.

9:01 p.m. Good Lord, can Heidi's dress get any shorter?

Please say yes.

9:02 p.m. OK, this is something called the "Mom Challenge." But they're not designing for them. They're designing for (wait for it) their daughters.

OH. MY. GOD!!!

(yes, I'm being sarcastic)

9:03 p.m. Mom Nancy looks like something out of Nightmare on Elm Street.

9:04 p.m. You know what sucks? These daughters are young 20-something women and most of them aren't cute. It's like...a waste.

9:05 p.m. Joe makes a good point: If the mom likes something, the daughter will hate it.

A straight guy wouldn't be that perceptive.

Just sayin'.

9:06 p.m. Freddy Kruger Nancy likes trendy. I bet she's thinking stripes.

9:07 p.m. OK, Leanne's "model" Holly is kind of cute, and she's going to be an elementary school teacher. That makes her hotter. Ask any straight guy.

9:08 p.m. Yikes!! Avital's mom ain't much of a looker, either. If Nancy is Freddy Kruger, Mom of Avital is the glove.

9:10 p.m. Suede: "Oh my God! Suede found a poochie-esque print in purple!"

It's good to have goals.

9:11 p.m. Leanne's photo of her when she was younger looks like a mousy girl who hasn't yet found her femininity.

Much like Leanne now.

9:12 p.m. Joe's early photo: Totally gay!! C'mon, people. He's even got the subconscious "putting my finger on my chin" gay pose going on.

9:12 p.m. Kenley's "before" photo isn't half bad. What happened?

9:17 p.m. I'm really not into this whole "let me tell you what my first job was" thing. Do you care that my first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog? Would you like me to mention it every five minutes for the remainder of this blog?

9:18 p.m. Laura (Joe's "model") doesn't like pin stripes. Laura (Joe's "model") is fat. Laura (Joe's "model") thinks she may have to get over it. Laura (Joe's "model") is right.

9:19 p.m. Is Nancy a tranny? I mean, it's OK if she is. Whatever works for you. But Christ...

9:21 p.m. Joe is making a 1980s pocket square business suit.

I have no idea what that is, but it sounds closet gay, doesn't it?

Sorry guys, but with Blayne, Stella and Terri gone, Joe becomes my main whipping boy.

9:22 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

Annoying, isn't it?

9:26 p.m. Did Laura get fatter? I think she made a Big Mac run or two in-between fittings.

9:26 p.m. Avital loves Suede's dress. And why shouldn't she? It's a poochie-esque print in purple.

9:26 p.m. Suede: "Bonus!!"

Do shut up, Suede. And chop off your thumbs.

9:27 p.m. I got no clue who this special guest is, but she's Asian and she's cute (bad teeth aside). All straight guys have a thing for Asian women. Write that down.

9:27 p.m. The winning look is going in Elle magazine.

I don't read Elle.

You're stunned, I know.

9:30 p.m. If Tim said "Nevin, talk to me," I honestly wouldn't know what to say.

9:30 p.m. Kenley says that Tim doesn't understand her as a designer. And really, what man truly understands Kenley?

9:31 p.m. Korto's daughter is already starting to grow Mommy's hair. It's cute, in a scary sort of way.

9:32 p.m. Joe didn't even want to talk to his wife.

Add that to the list.

9:33 p.m. Kenley says Suede is a poser.

Living proof that even the dumb ones say something smart every now and again.

9:33 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.


9:35 p.m. Jerell thinks Suede's design is so 1992.

I liked 1992. Me and my friends wore Cross Colors.

Christ, I'm old.

9:41 p.m. You know what's funny about Laura? She's ugly, but I can name about a dozen straight guys right off the top of my head who would do her as either a "rebound" lay or an "I've been out of practice and want to keep my skills sharp" bang.

9:42 p.m. Jerell's hat sense has hit a new low. Where do you get something like that? Target?

9:42 p.m. I like Suede's poochie-purple thing. Makes me want to say "Bonus!!" and chop off his thumbs.

And I mean that as a compliment.

9:43 p.m. I must be tired. I just now noticed Heidi's one-bare-shoulder look. Forgive me, it's been a long day.

9:44 p.m. Did Kenley try to make a twin?

9:44 p.m. Heidi: "You found a little mini me!!"

Beautiful people like me and Heidi think alike.

9:45 p.m. Laura is gaining weight before my eyes. Is it my TV?

9:45 p.m. You know what's wrong with Joe's design? He's gay, but he's not ready to admit it. So he tried to keep his design conservative to hide his true self.

Plus, his model is fat.

9:46 p.m. Dude, Holly's male students are going to have wet dreams early. Lucky bastards. My female elementary school teachers were no younger than 86.

9:48 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

I also used to sometimes dunk my head in the jacuzzis. When no one was around.

9:56 p.m. Jerell wins. Makers of feather hats rejoice.

9:57 p.m. Joe's out. The run of closet gay jokes is over.

9:57 p.m. One last Joe "closet gay" dig: When he kissed Heidi, he didn't look like he enjoyed it.

The defense rests.

Final thoughts:

Losing Joe is tough, as that's the fourth whipping boy of mine that's fallen in the last three weeks. Still, it's hard to disagree with the decision. His outfit was stupid, his model was fat and everyone else's design was simply better.

I have to think that this competition will come down to Jerell and Korto. You know why? Because they're both secure in themselves. Jerell wears dumb hats during judging and is still around, and Korto has that "I don't give a damn what the hell you think" vibe.

As for the rest: Leanne doesn't think she's pretty, Kenley's surly attitude is overcompensating for her lack of perky boobs, and Suede...has issues.

And finally:

My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

Just in case you forgot.


Until next time.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Mail's Here!! It's The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

First, to maintain good karma, let me start by shamelessly plugging my other blog site,, where this week I write about shopping for an engagement ring (it wasn't fun).

And now, let's get to the letters:

Gay.After.A.Few writes:

9:15 p.m. . . . "If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry." If? (Closet gay. That's all I'm saying.)

OK, this is the latest in a series of recent comments questioning whether I'm a closet gay. Let me be clear: I am not a closet gay. If I was gay, I wouldn't be in the closet about it. I live in Los Angeles, where gayness is flaunted. In fact, as a straight guy, I'm in the minority in some areas around here.

And staying on the "Is Nev a closet gay" line of questioning, my friend Stephanie writes:

Nev, I think your love of Jerry actually solidifies your heterosexuality. Jerry is the wussiest gay whose ever been on the show. He might as well be a woman. An annoying one at that.

And let me add: He obviously spends a ton of time styling his hair. Definitely a wuss.

He's still my favorite, though. He wears normal shirts (usually).

Speaking of Jerry's hair, my beautiful fiancee Ramona writes:

Guys have bad taste in men. Jerry? Seriously? His hair is enough to make me run away. Maybe that weird comb-over thing he's got going on in the front distracted the judges into voting Terri off. She's been one of the two or three top designers this whole season and that should've counted for something. Plus, her dress really wasn't that bad.

Relationships, people, are all about compromise. The compromise here: We agree that Jerry's hair sucks and Terri the crack whore is gone. You give a little, you get a little.

Switching topics, loyal reader Another Suburban Mom talked about Avant Garde:

I don't understand 'Avant Guarde' either, and I am a chick.

Glad that "Avant Garde" confusions crosses both genders.

And finally, Orion writes:

9:55pm Jerell wins:"Oh me oh my!"You forgot the "well who woulda thunk it?"I'm gay and I don't even condone that reaction.

Nor do I, Orion. In fact, he could've balled his eyes out like he does whenever someone gets elimimated, and that would've been a more acceptable reaction than "me-my" and "thunk."

I mean Jesus, Jerell, pretend to be a man. You're not appealing to either straights or gays. And you know what that makes you?


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Episode 9: Learning All About Avant Garde, The Terri-Keith Battle, And Kenley's Ode To Disney On Steroids: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what sucks about writing this blog now? Project Runway is taking time away from shows I actually like. Entourage. 90210. And Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. All three shows are entertaining, feature hot women on a regular basis, and don't have anyone with blue mohawks referring to themselves in the third person.

Three great shows. All of which are sitting in my DVR queue so I can blog about this crap.

For you.

View my sacrifice here.

I hope you appreciate it.

And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Nothing like starting the show by watching Terri dance in her PJs and Blayne and Suede lying in bed. That'll get the creative juices flowin'.

9:02 p.m. Heidi comes out in a hot, sleek black dress, but my fiancee Ramona is watching with me this week.

I'm afraid to say anything more.

9:03 p.m. All the eliminated designers return!! Even Jerry, my Episode 1 favorite!!

9:03 p.m. Daniel winks at Kenley. Feel the sexual tension.

9:04 p.m. Reason # 653,457,391 why I hate this show:

Me: What's avant garde mean?

Ramona: It means cutting edge.

Me: Then why don't they just say cutting edge?

Ramona: Because avant garde is the fashion term. It's trendy.


9:04 p.m. Designing something based on an astrological sign? And I thought making something out of seat belts was dumb.

9:04 p.m. Korto with Kelli (lot of ass in that duo). Kenley with Wesley (scary). Joe with Daniel (closet gay with Kenley's bitch). Leanne with Emily (who's Emily?). Blayne with Stella (what would their kids look like?). Terri with Keith (same question). Jerell with Jennifer (ugly kids). And Suede with JERRY!!! (I still like Jerry. He looks normal).

9:08 p.m. It's so weird watching Stella and Blayne together. It's like watching The Nightmare Before Christmas meet Disney On Ice.

9:08 p.m. Proof that Wesley is gay:

Kenley: "He takes direction really well."

Wesley listens. Definitely not a straight man quality.

9:10 p.m. Suede spoke three consecutive normal sentences. It must be Jerry's influence.

9:10 p.m. Keith to Terri: "Just be gentle with me."

He speaks for all of us.

9:15 p.m. Prediction: Daniel will be Joe's first. I just have a feeling.

9:15 p.m. I like Jerry's definition of avant garde better than Ramona's. If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry.

9:16 p.m. Who's Emily? I swear to you, I don't remember her.

9:17 p.m. Tell me you were also disturbed to hear Blayne say "strapping you down" and Tim say "Do it to it" in the same sequence.

9:17 p.m. Tim hates what Jerell is doing. Yet he's intrigued.

Tim's a complex man.

9:18 p.m. Ramona predicted that Kenley would get knocked out this week and her "good witch of the North" outfit shows that she may be right. Jesus, there are shoulder pads and then there are shoulder pads.

9:19 p.m. I wish Keith and Terri would just slug it out. And you know what? Tim does too. Believe me, we'd both pay to see that brawl.

9:20 p.m. Keith calls Terri a nightmare. As does any man who wakes up to her.

9:21 p.m. Yes!!! Two designers will be eliminated this week. I advocate anything that shortens the season.

9:21 p.m. Suede: "*%$# me."


Hell no.


9:22 p.m. Jerry is wearing an ugly hat and really gay shorts, and I still think he's cool.

9:23 p.m. Every time I see Keith and Terri, I hear the "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" junior high hallway chant in my head.

9:24 p.m. Kenley thinks her design is the only one that looks avant garde. That's a fashion term. I'm so trendy.

9:29 p.m. Former Project Runway designers will pick the winner. Watching the groups interact reminds me of two women who hate each other all through high school but act like they're best friends when they run into each other at the reunion.

9:30 p.m. Heidi and Kenley compare boobs. And you know what? That's hot.

9:31 p.m. Keith says Terri won't even talk to him. Dude, consider yourself lucky.

9:32 p.m. The former PR designer who spoke to Joe about fire and strength is butt ugly. She makes Stella look like Heidi.

9:32 p.m. OK, that's too far. She makes Stella look like Kelli.

9:32 p.m. OK, still too far. She makes Stella look like Kenley.

9:33 p.m. Ramona: Oh my God!! Christian didn't say "fierce."

Me: Who?

Ramona: Christian. The designer they just showed. He won last year. That was his phrase.

Me: Fierce?

Ramona: Fierce. It was his catchphrase.

Me: I see.

Ramona: He said it all the time.

Me: Gotcha.

Ramona: Every five seconds.

Me: Christ, I get it!!


Ramona: I can't believe he didn't say fierce!!

Hate. This. Show.

9:34 p.m. Stella with the hammer. Tim is concerned. Me? I find it rather comforting. Like an old shirt.

9:35 p.m. Kenley's dress gives me the urge to sing "It's A Small World."

9:35 p.m. Tim wakes up Keith. I'd of left him on the couch and let him stammer in halfway through the judging, disheveled and unsure.

9:40 p.m. Heidi goes shoulderless.

The fiancee is near. I will say no more.

9:41 p.m. Kenley's dress. What. The.

9:42 p.m. Topacio looks like something out of "The Lion King" on Broadway. No, that's not a compliment.



9:43 p.m. Leanne thinks her design is so avant garde. That's a fashion term. Feel my trendiness.

9:43 p.m. Ramona: Rewind!! Rewind!!

Me: What?

Ramona: Suede's hair is not spiked!!!

Next week, I'm going back to watching this solo.

9:44 p.m. I have christened the Korto-Kelli duo: "Arms And Ass." I just come up with this stuff, don't ask me how I do it.

9:46 p.m. Keith and Terri are like an angry couple. Without the sex.

In this case, that's a good thing.

9:47 p.m. How can Kenley's model stand?

9:47 p.m. Michael Kors has seen clothes like Kenley's. Michael Kors and I shop in different stores.

9:48 p.m. Good old Jerry. Suede's taking a beating and he's feeling his pain. That's a partner.

9:49 p.m. Have to agree with the judges that Kenley gets defensive. You should've heard her when Daniel told her, "Your boobs just aren't as good as Heidi's."

9:50 p.m. Did Michael Kors just now notice that Suede refers to himself in the third person? Has he been tuning out for the last two months?

9:55 p.m. Jerell wins.

"Oh me oh my!!"

I could've lived without hearing a grown man say that.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in. That will shut her up for five seconds.

9:57 p.m. Blayne's out. He and Stella are baffled. Not that that's hard.

9:57 p.m. TERRI'S OUT!!! YES!!! The moral here: Don't. Do. Drugs.

Final thoughts:

I'm glad Terri's gone. She's ugly.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Until next time.

Ramona: Wait wait!! You didn't say anything about Blayne.

That's right.

Bye Blayne.


Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's Official: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag!!!

Since I've gotten so much positive response from making references to readers' comments, I've decided to make it a weekly thing. Also a weekly thing: The shameless promotion of my other blog!! My longtime girlfriend Ramona is now my fiancee. :-) Go to and read about me trying to figure out her ring size.

And now, let's see what some readers have to say:

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I am bereft over Stella's aufing. She was the most consistently entertaining person on the show, and she remained true to herself in the end and had a classy exit.

Have to agree with you there, ASM. And yes, you have cute boobs. Happy now? My fiancee will be reading this and treating me to an indeterminable period of stony silence.

Texas cutie Kristi writes:

I'm surprised I feel this way, but I'm going to miss her (Stella) too. I agree with suburban mom. I like the way she left. I'm sad there will be no more stories about Ratbones.

Ah, Ratbones. We hardly knew ye. That seriously was my favorite Stella moment, with her banging a hammer a close second.

Switching topics away from Stella, Jessie writes:

Yes, models take off their clothes in front of rooms full of people. They weigh four pounds, what do they care?

I am now, as of this moment, looking for jobs where female models are aplenty.

Commenting on the fact that I've never seen the movie "A Foreign Affair," my good friend Stephanie writes:

Nev, if you're not careful, I'm going to have to make a mandatory movie list for you.

This coming from the NYU film student who has yet to see "The Godfather." Bet you thought I forgot that, huh Steph? :-)

And finally, an anonymous reader writes:

Fuck you, Nev. I'm straight & I read your blog. I'd probably do you after a few drinks, though ...

Thanks, I think you're nice too. Don't forget to tell all your other "I'm straight but I become gay after a few alcoholic concoctions" friends about my blog.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Episode 8: A Fashion Legend I Never Heard Of And A Movie I Never Heard Of. Won't This Be Fun: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My oldest friend's brother's wife (try saying that three times fast) recently presented her animated short film, The Dollhouse, at a film festival in San Francisco. The film, made by Tara Beyhm, is about a girl who becomes obsessed with a dollhouse her rich classmate received as a gift. You can view the 10-minute film here.

What this has to with Project Runway, I don't know. But the way I see it, this is a film about a dollhouse that I'm mentioning on a blog that's read by straight women and gay men.

Straight women.

Gay men.


Surely you can find some parallels.

Did I mention the obsessed girl's dad looks like Closet Gay Joe?


And with that, Episode 8:

9:01 p.m. Korto's hair looks exactly the same whether she first wakes up, is out on the town or (I'm guessing) gets it wet.

9:01 p.m. Can't make fun of Stella for not knowing how many tablespoons of coffee to put into the coffee maker. Christ, I can't even make instant. So we'll just make fun of the fact that she looks like Skeletor when only wearing a bra.

9:01 p.m. Speaking of Stella:

"I almost %$#*$ my pants."

Now that's an image I didn't need.

9:01 p.m. Now come on. You know Terri was doing lines the night before. Jesus, the woman is swaying as she walks. These are warning signs, people. Pretty soon, we're going to see the junkie itch.

9:02 p.m. I'm not huge on Heidi's outfit. No skin showing. Plus, her sparkling top reminds me of Robin Wright-Penn during her disco scenes in the movie "Forrest Gump." I hate disco. It's like the music industry's cruel joke.

9:03 p.m. The designers are going to be designing for a fashion legend. Blayne thinks it's Mary Kate Olsen. I'm thinking no.

9:04 p.m. Blayne: "I want to marry Mary Kate."

Of course.

9:04 p.m. Blayne again: "Who doesn't?"

Straight guys. And butchy lesbians.

9:05 p.m. Did you see the huge grin on Joe's face in the seconds before he meets this "fashion legend"? The dude doesn't smile nearly as brightly when Heidi Klum walks in the room. Yet some of you still insist he's straight. The evidence is right in front of you, people!!

9:05 p.m. OK, this will no doubt shock some of you, but I don't have the first damn clue who Diane von Furstenburg is. Does she make sweat pants for the big and tall?

9:05 p.m. Kenley hasn't cried that much since she finally had enough cleavage to buy a bra.

9:06 p.m. Damn it, everyone's gushing over this woman. I have to do some research.

Me to my better half Ramona:

"Babe, who's Diane von Furstenburg?"


"She's a famous designer."

Glad we cleared that up.

9:06 p.m. Oh Jesus, shoot me now. Design something based on the movie "A Foreign Affair?" Does it stun you to hear that I've never seen the movie? Do films made pre-1960 really count as films? Ponder that.

9:06 p.m. Can't we design something from, like, Rambo? I just wish someone would think of me once in a while.

9:07 p.m. Diane the Legend I never heard of is talking, and everyone is hanging on her every word. She said the word "the" and Jerell is shaking his head yes like he's listening to Dr. King.

9:07 p.m. Joe's heard of Diane.

You know where I'm going with this.

9:07 p.m. Tim: "Diane's our guest judge."


9:08 p.m. Kenley's crying again. She loves Diane the Legend I never heard of's prints. Either that, or Daniel put her in a family way and she's a little emotional.

9:10 p.m. Jerell informs Kenley the crying machine that while she's only making a dress, he's making a dress, a jacket and a skirt.


9:11 p.m. Suede just referred to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:12 p.m. Gotta defend Terri here for probably the first time this season. Blayne and Joe rag on her "one trick pony" show, but the fact is: She's never on the chopping block. Blayne and Joe are just getting defensive. It's what men (in this case, Blayne is close enough) do when they feel threatened by the opposite sex.

9:13 p.m. In the "coming up" scenes, Kenley cries. Can't wait.

9:18 p.m. Jerell describes the plot of "A Foreign Affair." I tune out.

9:20 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:20 p.m. Does watching Leanne talk about her secret desires to be a spy and an animal make you think that in about five years, she's gonna snap and go on a killing spree? Seriously, I got a chill.

9:22 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:23 p.m. Tim to Leanne: "You have thinking to do."

You said a mouthful, brotha.

9:24 p.m. Tim hates Korto's yellow as a bra strap but loves it under the skirt. There's meaning somewhere in there.

9:24 p.m. OK, Stella just totally cracked me up here. According to her, the judges are clueless and it's not necessary to know the details of the movie that Diane the Legend I never heard of is basing her collection on. This is how I would act were I on this show.

9:25 p.m. It's been eight episodes and only know do we have proof that the designers eat. I was wondering why Korto's ass never got smaller.

9:26 p.m. Kenley cries. Moving on.

9:32 p.m. Am I the only one who notices that the models are taking their tops off in front of everybody? Is this a standard industry practice? Should I pretend to be gay and know who Diane the Legend I never heard of is?

9:33 p.m. We see Topacio's belly button.


9:34 p.m. You may disagree, but I happen to love Stella's "my outfit makes my model's boobies pop out" design. It speaks to me.

9:34 p.m. You know how you can tell that Jerell and Blayne are gay? When they high five, they wiggle their fingers. Straight men keep their hands steady during such gestures.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's back to her hot "drool over my body" look. Thank you, Heidi. Way to rebound.

9:40 p.m. Can you not see Diane the Legend I never heard of as a James Bond villain? Just throwing that out there.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's spreading his love of hats to his models. Now that's nice to see.

9:41 p.m. Blayne says that Diane the Legend I never heard of loves his tan. Wouldn't be surprised. She's looking a little withered herself.

9:44 p.m. Joe's design looks bad from the back, says the judges.

Diane the Legend I never heard of: "So don't show your back."

Everyone pretends it's funny.

9:46 p.m. Heidi's not huge on Kenley's efforts, but Diane the Legend I never heard of likes the dress. Heidi looks mad. Not even Seal is allowed to disagree with her in public, my sources inform me.

9:47 pm. Stella's cape is not a 1940s cape, the Legend decrees. We're nitpicking just a smidge, ain't we D?

9:57 p.m. Wow, Diane must be a legend. They let her announce that Leanne won. Lifetime highlights for both.

9:57 p.m. You know what sucks about the bottom two? No matter what, I lose someone I routinely make fun of. Not fair.

9:58 p.m. Stella's out. Back to pimpin' the hoes.

9:58 p.m. Kenley cries. Is there a quota she's supposed to make?

Final thoughts:

What the hell am I supposed to say? I never heard of the legend, I never heard of the movie, and I lost one of my favorite people to ridicule. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to miss Stella. Every week, she gave me at least three or four pieces of material. From her leather fetish for classy dresses. to using a hammer to make her clothes, to Ratbones, you just never knew what she was going to throw at you next.

The show just lost its resident psychopath. Never an easy thing to get over.

Until next time.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Connecting With My Readers Over The Models' Lack Of Breasts: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

First, let me begin with another shameless promotion of my other blog site,, where this week I write about three things that always happens when you go to the movies. Tell me if you experience the same.

I was happy to see after last week's episode that I'm finally starting to connect with some of my readers. Apparently, we're all in agreement that the models used on Project Runway could use some breasts.

Personally, I think it would liven things up. That's just my opinion.

Faithful reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I think the show would be better if they replaced the models with least they appear to complete the act of digestion once in a while and they all have boobies.Most women in America have tits and I am getting sick of watching the designers squish them away.

Amen, ASM. Amen. Continue to testify.

Also, longtime reader Jessie offered some thoughts on the subject:

I agree about the boob squishing. It's getting a little out of hand.

And really, it is. Without any boobs to look at, it forces to me to look at the clothes. And really, is that right?

I say no.

After all, (straight) man cannot live on camera shots of Heidi Klum alone.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Episode 7: Keith Starts Crackin', Leanne's Temporary Hotness And Ratbones (Yes, Ratbones): A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

Following my post a few days ago about the movie "A Clockwork Orange" and my list of great 1970s movies, I received some interesting feedback from some friends of mine:

Friend # 1:

Dude, what are you talking about? Clockwork Orange rocks!!"

Closet Gay. Boy, you think you know somebody.

Friend # 2:

I can't believe you didn't include "Star Wars" in your list of good 1970s movies.

Admittedly, an oversight on my part. Apologies to George Lucas.

And Friend # 3:

I don't get how Sylvester Stallone is boxing in the first movie and then becomes a Vietnam soldier in the sequel. It's just....oh wait. Those are two different movies? Ohhhh!!

That friend likes Project Runway.


And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. It better be affordable, that's all I got to say.

9:02 p.m. Heidi in stripes. I think of candy canes.

9:03 p.m. Joe keeps Topacio. For the next five minutes, I won't refer to him as a closet gay.


9:03 p.m. Terri has replaced Stella this week as most hideous person to look at. She looks like the later stages of Whitney Houston during the Bobby Brown era.

9:05 p.m. I see cars. Nev likes cars. Boys play with cars.

9:05 p.m. Blayne: "What are we gonna use a car for?" Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:05 p.m. Chris Webb looks like a skinnier, better-dressed version of that gay guy on Sex and The City.

9:05 p.m. Two things: 1) Stella's black sleeves have once again given her the "top ugly girl" spot. And 2) Why the hell are they forcing them to make an outfit out of car parts? What, seat belts for straps? A bra made out of headlights? Do you get extra points for making the dress more fuel-efficient?

9:06 p.m. Kenley points out that the stuff in the car is stuff that cars are made out of.

You know, now that Daniel is gone, Kenley can't play the "It's OK that I'm stupid, because someone has discovered I have boobies" card."

9:07 p.m. Blayne is getting inspiration from seat belts. Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:07 p.m. Suede has so many whack-a-doodle things that he doesn't know what's he gonna do.

I shiver.

9:08 p.m. Stella's not moving. Stella is taking a stand.

With her ugly sleeves.

9:08 p.m. Leanne has no clue what she's going to do. Like that's unusual.

9:10 p.m. What will Keith do without ruffles? I wonder.

9:10 p.m. Stella is confused and has to let ideas come into her head.

Good luck.

9:10 p.m. In one long monologue, Suede said "whack-a-doodle," referred to himself as Suede, and said "I'm bleedin' it, baby."

God, I hate this show.

9:15 p.m. I'll say this for Stella: I like that hat. That hat works. It's all that hanging out with Jerell. That must be it.

9:16 p.m. I don't mean to insult the dead, but Whack-a-doodle boy has got to stop with all the references to deceased relatives. Last week, it was Grandpa. This week, it was Dad. Next week, it will be Aunt Dottie. The week after, it will be Fido. The week after that, it'll be his aroma-therapist who is "like my little sister. Aroma-therapist person, I love you (blows a kiss to the ceiling)."

9:16 p.m. Is anyone else bored by this episode right now? I mean, no one is saying anything interesting, no one is doing anything interesting, Tim's nowhere to be seen, and we're not gonna see Heidi in anything hot for another 30 minutes. It's a tough time right now.

9:18 p.m. Jerell is "whistlin' Dixie." I'm happy for him.

9:18 p.m. Whoa!! Leanne's dress is hot. And she's wearing makeup this week. She's trying to fill the eye-candy" void since Kelli left. I like that initiative.

9:19 p.m. Terri doesn't want to go back to her old job. Which I'm guessing involves illegal means.

9:20 p.m. Kenley loses her model. Kenley loses her man. Kenley loses her virginity. It's been a busy season for Kenley.

9:26 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Love your face." Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:26 p.m. Tim likes Jerell's design. Let's all whistle Dixie.

9:29 p.m. Keith says he has to show the judges a refined pallet. Tim says he's got to believe in it. Neither is stating the obvious: KEITH NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING!! All he has on his table are strips of car seat. Aren't you, like, supposed to tie something together by this point in the episode? Now, you all know Keith's my boy so it pains me to write this, but it seems like the lack of ruffles is getting to him.

9:29 p.m. Tim: "Don't lose your trajectory."

I won't.

9:30 p.m. Korto's design looks like a psychedelic strait jacket.

9:30 p.m. Jerell: "Terri has two faces." Ugly and horrifying.

9:30 p.m. Keith swore. Twice. Not good.

9:31 p.m. Stella's boyfriend is named Ratbones.


9:32 p.m. It's funny watching Korto brush her hair. Like she's hoping it will actually move.

9:33 p.m. Leanne is back to the hand-me-down look and is no longer hot. Well, we'll always have the memories.

9:34 p.m. How dare Keith's model sit down!! I mean, how dare she!!

9:34 p.m. Ratbones.


9:34 p.m. Leanne stuffs her female model's underwear. Well, that's a first.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's got the wind-swept look working. Beats the bun look any day.

9:40 p.m. The guest judge is a stylist named Rachel Zoe. She's not a has-been actress, speed skater or transvestite. How am I supposed to make fun of her?

9:40 p.m. What's up with Jerell's model's eyebrows? See, this is why you need a straight-guy consultant on this show, to avoid things like this.

9:41 p.m. I really wish Terri would stop dancing every time her model walks down the runway. It's creepy.

9:41 p.m. Leanne's dress is hot. Unlike Leanne.

9:42 p.m. Korto loves her seat belt strait jacket. So do the folks at Arkham Asylum.

9:42 p.m. Did Blayne just say "Blayne-guage?" Am I hearing things? Because even for him, that's a little off.

9:42 p.m. Stella's dress is shown.


Ratbones, people.

9:43 p.m. I just noticed that Terri is wearing a Yoko Ono shirt. That fits.

9:45 p.m. Michael Kors: "I am never a car wash skirt or dress fan." And really, who is?

9:45 p.m. Heidi wagged her finger. Seal's a lucky, lucky man.

9:46 p.m. The judges like Korto's strait jacket? Is this one of those "I'm looking at a piece of art and I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be, so I'm just going to pretend that I love it and that it speaks to me so I don't sound stupid" type deals?

9:47 p.m. The judges think Stella's design is random. Much like Ratbones.

9:48 p.m. Keith is mouthing off to the judges. Another favorite of mine is about to bite the dust.

9:56 p.m. Leanne wins. She should celebrate by wearing her dress and some makeup and dancing on a pole.

At least, that's my opinion.

9:57 p.m. The bottom two: Keith and Stella. The Gay Moron vs. Ratbone's bitch. Who will survive?

9:57 p.m. Stella remains. Ratbones cheers.

Final thoughts:

OK, Ratbones? Seriously? Ratbones? How many of you fell out of your chair? My jaw literally hit the floor. Every week, Stella never ceases to amaze me. Whether it's how she looks when she first wakes up in the morning, or watching her use a hammer like she wields it to keep Ratbones in line, Stella keeps me on my toes every episode. She's never boring, I'll give her that.

As for the episode: Although I liked Keith earlier, he started annoying me the last couple of episodes. What happened to the cool guy who lifted heavy weights and took pictures of himself just because? I liked that Keith. But lately, he was replaced by whiny Ruffle boy. He had to go.



I'm seriously at a loss.

(shakes his head)

Until next time.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Straight Guys Don't Watch 'A Clockwork Orange': A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Let me start first by shamelessly promoting my other blog. The Nevin Barich Blog Experience, found at, has a new entry debunking the myths of organic foods. A must read. :-)

I received an interesting comment the other day from an anonymous person following last week's episode of Project Runway:

Dude, I think you were high when you watched this episode. You missed several great parts ... like when Suede went all Clockwork Orange talking about his grandfather sprinkling seeds, and Varla's don't ask, don't tell line. Man up!

To which I accurately responded:

No straight guy has seen A Clockwork Orange.

And that ignited the following reply from my friend Stephanie, a former film student at NYU:

Nev, the Freshman classes of NYU, USC and UCLA film schools just ordered a hit on you. Rent A Clockwork Orange.

To which I will now reply:

No. I will not rent A Clockwork Orange. I'm straight and thus must stay true to my roots. Besides, Orange was made in 1971 and according to the "Straight Guy Code of Ethics," the only good movies from the 1970s were:

The Godfather.

The Godfather, Part II.


Rocky II.

Everything else sucked.

Yes, including Chinatown, which made absolutely no sense.

Furthermore, I wouldn't put it past the NYU or UCLA mob to put a hit on me. That's like them. But USC? No way. They're too drunk to figure out how to load the gun.

Those are my people.

Glad I could clear that up.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Episode 6: Drag Queens In Drag, Drag Queens Not In Drag, And Celebrity Drag Queen Judges: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My friend Elly and I were talking last week about my Project Runway Hater blog and Elly -- who watched the first season of PR -- summed the show up this way:

It both fascinated me and disgusted me at the same time. Like a multi-car pile-up, with glitter and empty personalities and the smell of cheap wine.

Mostly the glitter.

I'd have gone with mostly cheap wine, but the effect is more or less the same.

And speaking of cheap wine, I'm guessing I'll have to down a bottle or two to get through tonight's episode: Drag Queens (I'm fighting the urge to hurl).

On (reluctantly) with the show:

9:01 p.m. Could you imagine being one of Stella's kids and being woken up by her in the morning when she looks like that? Those kids won't have to be coaxed into going to school. They'll be running out of the door, mark my words.

9:01 p.m. Joe doesn't think Keith should've won the last challenge. "It was raw-cut swatches of chiffon. How innovative."

If that doesn't scream "Closet Gay"...

9:01 p.m. Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that Blayne is wearing a shirt that says "Poolboy"?

9:01 p.m. Heidi in a sleek black top and tight pants. To quote Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman: "God must've been a $*&^%$# genius."

By the way: If you're tired of me remarking on how hot Heidi looks during every episode recap...

...too damn bad.

9:02 p.m. We see the shadow of what we know is going to be a drag queen but what looks like a roided-out walrus, and Suede and I both have the same reaction:

"What the %$#%*& is that?"

9:02 p.m. Hold up a sec: This "guy", Chris March, used to be on the show? And people wonder why I can't take this crap seriously.

9:02 p.m. Don't be blowing kisses at Heidi, Chris!! Jesus, now when I try to imagine Heidi kissing the female models, images of this psycho will invade my thoughts.

9:02 p.m. Drag Queen question: Shouldn't Chris shave the goatee? I mean, doesn't that kind of ruin the mystique?

9:02 p.m. Chris: "In case you haven't guessed yet, your next challenge is about designing an outfit for a drag queen."

Yes Chris, I gathered.

9:02 p.m. Blayne: "Too much drama."

For once, Poolboy and I are in agreement.

9:02 p.m. Terri loves drag queens.

She loaded up this morning.

9:03 p.m. Oh God, a double hideous moment: The drag queens come out and start talking about romance and eating sequins for breakfast, and Terri licks her lips. Man, that was disgusting. I hope children aren't watching.

9:03 p.m. One of the drag queens is known as New York City's big-titted honky soul momma.

That will keep me up nights.

9:04 p.m. Was it really necessary to show the crotch area of one of the queens? I mean, honestly...

9:04 p.m. I like Varla Jean Merman. She looks the most normal, plus she describes herself as a southern Ann Margaret on steroids. I can buy into that. Maybe it's because I'm a sports fan and the juice is an everyday subject, but it makes sense to me.

9:04 p.m. For the second week in a row, Keith makes a comment about a great set of legs. I'm telling you, he's a straight man in a gay mormon's body.

9:05 p.m. Joe picks Varla because by picking the most normal looking one, he's hoping to hide his gayness for one more week.

You can run, Joe, but you can't hide.

9:05 p.m. The big-titted honky soul momma warns Korto that he may rot her teeth. And honestly, I think that's a threat he can back up.

9:05 p.m. Terri picks Acid Betty.


9:06 p.m. Tim: "Each drag queen has a very particular persona."


9:08 p.m. Blayne pairing with the drag queen who looks like she puts on makeup with a paint roller is a recipe for disaster. You heard it here first.

9:08 p.m. Stella plans to add metal in her outfit. Surprise surprise.

9:08 p.m. Annida Greenkard's hair puts Korto's hair to shame. The cameras aren't showing it, but I know those two are sizing each other up.

9:10 p.m. Korto has a big ass. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

9:11 p.m. A straight man would not be dancing with fake boobies like Joe did just now.

9:11 p.m. Daniel just asked Kenley to take her bra off so he could put it on his mannequin. That's typical of today's men: Showing interest in a girl, ignoring the girl for days, and then paying her attention again when the sap rises.

9:11 p.m. All of this is way out of Korto's comfort zone. Her and me both.

9:12 p.m. Joe is wearing pink.

9:12 p.m. Stella thinks Blayne knows nothing. Stella speaks for all of us.

9:12 p.m. You know what's sad? Blayne is wearing pink fabric in a sort of whacked-out Little Red Riding Hood look, and I'm not even fazed.

9:18 p.m. You know why Jerell's gonna win this challenge? Because he's the only one who hasn't blinked once at this task. Everyone else (except Terri. But she's high.) is like, "Oh my God, I'm making clothes for drag queens!! What do I do?" every other minute, but Jerell is just getting it done.

9:19 p.m. OK, theory on Keith: The whole gay mormon thing is a bunch of B.S. Do you see the way he's pettin' that mannequin? The dude has done this before...with ladies.

I'm not knockin' him for this, mind you. If anything, it makes him my favorite all the more.

9:20 p.m. Tim returns with an old friend.

"Make it work."

Thank you, Tim.

9:20 p.m. Seeing the drag queens without their drag queen wear is almost more disturbing.

Hey, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

9:22 p.m. Stella's drag queen....ewwww!!

9:22 p.m. Dude, I gotta say: Hedda Lettuce is cracking me up.

"Whatever I'm saying is out of love, unconditional and pure. Just get it right."

Sounds like almost everyone of my ex-girlfriends.

9:27 p.m. Chris' hair is fake, right?

9:28 p.m. Tim to Blayne: "It looks like it's a terradactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park."

Is that good or bad here?

9:30 p.m. Daniel loves what Daniel's created. Did you know that Daniel has impeccable taste.

9:30 p.m. Difference between me and Blayne: He tries on Daniel's dress without blinking. If Daniel asked me to do that, he'd be impeccably laid out on the floor.

9:32 p.m. Seeing Keith's drag queen in a bra has created one of those, "I can't look, yet I cannot turn away" moments for me.

9:33 p.m. Hedda Lettuce just wants to let bygones be bygones.

I love spelling Hedda Lettuce. It's fun.

9:34 p.m. Tim asks if we're ready for the most fabulous show in the history of Project Runway.

I gotta admit: I'm not sure.

9:38 p.m. Heidi says hello. I drool.

9:38 p.m. Heidi points out that there are currently 11 designers, and soon there will be 10.

If she was ugly, she'd sound stupid. But since she's hot, she sounds cute.

9:39 p.m. Who the %^$#&$ is Rupaul?

9:39 p.m. Rupaul is really getting into the first drag queen on stage, moving her shoulders like she's watching a stripper.

I will never be the same after this.

9:40 p.m. Blayne's gay Jurassic Park look does scream "drag queen." I'll give him that.

9:40 p.m. Hedda Lettuce walks.

Hedda Lettuce!!

Write it down one time. It will make you smile.

9:41 p.m. To anyone who thinks Terri was sober when she made her outfit, I have some magic beans I want to sell you.

9:42 p.m. Poor Korto's drag queen. He doesn't look good as either a male or female. Must be tough.

9:45 p.m. Must we talk about "candy" during this challenge?

9:46 p.m. Michael Kors is surprised that Jerell's dress looks kind of normal. And you know what else? Jerell is dressed kind of normal, too. No Idi Amin hat. No Robin Hood or medieval ensemble. Spooky.

9:47 p.m. OK, Korto's dress did not give her drag queen a Heidi Klum body. I mean, that is just not true. Is Seal watching? He should complain.

9:48 p.m. Rupaul puts down Daniel to the point where Daniel basically shuts up.

I like Rupaul.

9:55 p.m. The public has voted. They'd rather see Tim in drag than Michael Kors. Michael has those child-bearing hips, but Tim's facial features would "make it work."

9:56 p.m. Joe wins.

Closet gay.

9:56 p.m. OK, I know there's no way Keith is gonna get voted off before Daniel, but still, I needlessly worry.

9:57 p.m. Daniel's out. 'Bout time.

9:57 p.m. You know what's great here? Daniel, a guy who was really starting to annoy me, gets voted out, and Heidi is the one who says it. I actually rewind to hear Heidi say it three or four times. It makes her hotter in my book.

9:58 p.m. Jesus, Keith is taking this hard.

Maybe he is gay.

Final thoughts:

As far as I'm concerned, Daniel's ousting was a week overdue. Other than lusting over Kenley's breasts here and there, did he really bring anything to the table?

But the real story here is this: I survived the drag queen episode. I know many of you had your doubts. It wasn't easy, but I hung tough, went to my happy place when necessary, and dug deep to pull through.

Now if you excuse me:

I'm off to hurl.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

My Loyal Readers Help Me Fill In The Gaps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So last episode, there were a few times where some of the contestants said words and phrases that flew right over my head (truth be told, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner). Thankfully, some of my loyal readers were there to help in fill in the gaps:

My man Jessie David Ledger, for example, explained that last episode, Terri didn't say that Suede had "the balls of a jj". She said, 'balls or vajayjay', which is the Oprah/Grey's Anatomy word for vagina."

Thank you, Jessie. "Vajayjay" is not something I plan to add to my everyday vocabulary, but it's nice to get some clarification.

Also, loyal reader Namratha explained that Suede wasn't saying "Kel Sarprees" but rather "Quelle Surprise", which is French for "what a surprise." Thank you, Namratha. And to answer your question: No, I was not being sarcastic. I honestly had no clue what Suede was saying; I just figured it was some random designer (or bisexual) term. Besides, the only thing French in my life are fries. I don't even want to learn how to say "nude beaches" in French for fear I'll see hairy female arm pits.

It's just not right.

And finally, thank you to loyal reader RBohemian for reminding me that Keith talked about his struggles being gay while growing up as a Morman in Utah at the beginning of the season (I had admittedly forgotten). This completely explains Keith's love for both ruffles and Brooke Shields' legs.

Both loves may be banned by his church.

We'll look into that.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Episode 5: Hot Professional Women, Perceptions Of Sluttiness, And Other Sexist Remarks: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Before I go into tonight's episode, allow me a few paragraphs to tell you about a kid who -- with your help -- can become the next President of the United States. Or Hugh Hefner.

On June 18, my good friends Elly and Jeremy welcomed a baby boy into the world named Max Orion Treat. Though not even 2 months old, my man Max has already shown himself to be a future raging heterosexual (and thus, by definition, a Project Runway hater.) Apparently, although the kid still isn't quite the age where he can always focus both his eyes on the same object, there's this picture of a hula girl in the living room that little Max is fascinated by. With everything and everyone else, little Max's left and right pupils are all over the place. But with the hula girl, he's locked in, undressing her in his mind and thinking:

"You just wait till I can crawl, sweetheart."

Now the reason I bring all of this up is because Max's parents have entered him into a cutest baby contest, where the winner will receive a $20,000 college scholarship. I ask that you vote for Max to ensure that he undresses hula and other varieties of girls with his eyes in a post-secondary environment. To vote, go here, click on the letter "M" and choose Contestant 40. Then, just enter your e-mail address at the bottom and verify your vote in your Inbox.

Five easy steps. Less than half of an alcohol program. No problem.

So sometime between now and Aug. 17, vote for future Project Runway hater and male heartthrob Max. With your help, his gifted mind will one day go to college and find the cure for cancer.

Or a way to make firmer, longer-lasting breast implants.

Either way, the world's a better place.

With that said, the show is on:


9:01 p.m. Keith hits the weights, lifting what I'm guessing is around 200 pounds. Meanwhile, Daniel, who can't understand why the Lakers wear the same jersey, is lifting 15-pound dumbbells. It's little things like these that make Keith my favorite.

9:01 p.m. Blayne says, "Team (Something) licious." I can't understand if it's drama or drumma. One other thing I'm not understanding: His blinding yellow hoodie. Listen, I wear $5 sandals from Payless that didn't even come in a box -- they were hanging on a rack -- and even I know a fashion faux pas when I see one.

9:01 p.m. You know what? I've accepted Heidi in a bun. She can be my librarian any day.

9:02 p.m. People keep asking me to mention Heidi Klum saying "Auf Wiedersehen" and how annoying it is. Here's the thing: I don't find it annoying at all. In fact, I didn't even notice it until someone pointed it out to me following Episode 3. In fact, every time she says it, it involves her kissing a model so it's actually something I've come to look forward to. It adds to my new librarian fantasy.

9:02 p.m. The designers will be designing for a high-powered, glamourous professional woman. Blayne's hoping it's not Hillary Clinton.

I really wouldn't worry too much.

9:03 p.m. Stella hopes the professional woman is Sharon Osborne. Really, I'm stunned.

9:03 p.m. Brooke Shields? What has she done in her life besides "Suddenly Susan" and Andre Agassi?

9:04 p.m. Watching Suede say "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins" was like watching a gay male friend of mine once stick his tongue in between two cherries. So very, very wrong.

9:04 p.m. Brooke's excited to be here. Of course she is. She now has a job.

9:04 p.m. So Brooke is on that "Lipstick Jungle" show. A quick Internet search has me come across some rather hot-looking photos of the main cast (Brooke included). I then come to find out that the characters are three of New York's most powerful women, which somehow makes them appear even hotter to me.

Is that sexist?

9:05 p.m. Designers in teams of two? You know what? I want to see Jerell matched up with Joe. If anyone can get Joe out of the closet...

9:06 p.m. Terri's design involves pants. Brooke loves pants.

I love the color blue.

9:07 p.m. I honestly can't figure out whether Keith is gay. Reasons to think he's gay: He's a boutique owner and he's into ruffles. Reasons to think he's straight: He lifts weights in camalflauge shorts and he loves Brooke Shields' legs.

It's really a toss-up.

9:07 p.m. Stella's design involves a corset. Brooke reminds her that a woman still needs to go to work in this. Stella looks confused.

Remember Brooke: Stella works with hookers and pimps. In her world, a corset means you're on the job.

9:08 p.m. Did Korto's hair get bigger? Seriously, that thing has grown two inches from last episode.

9:08 p.m. Joe has come up with a tuxedo-type shirt.

Closet gay.

9:08 p.m. Jerell, on the other hand, is comfortable with his sexual preference. You see the way he sings and bounces? Joe, look how happy he is.

9:10 p.m. Brooke is a little scared of Blayne. You said a mouthful, sister.

9:15 p.m. Keith picks Kenley to be on his team and says if she can keep her mouth shut and stick to sewing, they'll be fine.

He sounded straight there.

9:15 p.m. Ah man, Korto's hair picked Joe. Joe's never gonna announce, "OK fine, I'm gay!! Happy?" with her as a partner.

9:15 p.m. Stella gets picked last despite her obvious charm, wit and willingness to use bright colors.

9:16 p.m. Keith hates Kenley's fabric choices. Tim hates Kenley's fabric choices. Kenley will either put her foot down and demand her way, or say nothing, let it fester and blow up later at the worst possible time.

I'm guessing the latter.

9:17 p.m. Daniel's not a fan of leopard, black and lace. In short, everything partner Kelli is currently wearing.

Yeah, this pairing will work out just fine.

9:17 p.m. Tim underscores what an opportunity it is for the winner to have their design be worn on Lipstick Jungle. I, too, would be motivated if something I created was worn by a powerful, professional woman who made me want to make wild animal noises.

Is that sexist?

9:19 p.m. I have never seen Suede look this scared. He looks like he just saw the neighborhood bully come around the corner. Even Terri notices. She thinks he has "balls of a JJ." I got no clue what that is, but it sounds bad.

9:19 p.m. Blayne grew up in a small hometown and he stood out.

I know. I know.

9:20 p.m. Keith and Kenley remind me of a guy-girl pair who bicker like they're in a relationship, only without the sex.

In other words: A married couple.

9:21 p.m. Am I the only one fearful that Stella has a hammer in her hand? I mean, was that wise?

9:22 p.m. According to Kelli, Daniel made the skirt half "rooched" and the zipper all "swably."

This must be what it feels like when a woman who has zero interest in sports watches football. Just a bunch of weird phrases and whistles.

9:23 p.m. OK, Kelli has got to stop saying "Make it work." It's not your line, sweetheart. Next time Tim sees her, he should whack her on the back of the head and shout, "Make that work, $^*%$#$!!"

9:23 p.m. Suede: "Kel saprees."

Are those words?

9:24 p.m. Terri announces to everyone that Suede's shirt is horrible.

Kel saprees.

9:28 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Holla atcha boy."

Tim laughs.

They had a moment. How cute.

9:29 p.m. Tim is dubious over Kelli's design. Tim knows about her line stealing. It's etched on his face.

9:29 p.m. Tim likes the Suede-Terri design.

Kel saprees.

9:30 p.m. While Korto's hair is talking, I can swear that Tim steals a look at Joe that almost says: "He's gay, right?"

9:31 p.m. If Joe would just say, "Listen, I'm gay and I'm struggling to deal with it," I betcha Korto's hair would lay off on him a bit.

9:32 p.m. Kelli: "Make it work."


9:33 p.m. Stella's wearing pink? I'm shocked. Honestly shocked.

9:33 p.m. Kenley is bagging on Daniel. Apparently, they haven't spoken since Daniel noticed she has breasts, and this is Kenley's way of dealing with the rejection.

9:33 p.m. Terri and Suede are now the best of friends. Must have been the group hug with Tim that bonded them.

9:35 p.m. Here's why I like Tim: He can say things like, "Some of you are still sewing, question mark" and still sound cool. I say things like that and I sound drunk.

9:41 p.m. Heidi. Hair down. Pink top.

An image of paddles just entered my thoughts.

Is that sexist?

9:44 p.m. Nice to see that Leanne is continuing the "hand-me-down look" tradition that Jennifer started.

9:46 p.m. What is it with Jerell's clothes when he meets the judges? Last week, it was Robin Hood. This week, he looks like he's auditioning to be a waiter at Medieval Times.

9:47 p.m. The judges hate the fact that Kelli and Daniel's design looks slutty. The sluttiness actually makes it my top choice. Me and Michael Kors should do a show together entitled "Perceptions."

9:47 p.m. Daniel has impeccable taste, according to Daniel. Kenley laughs hysterically. Daniel, lesson learned: Next time, call the girl the following day.

9:49 p.m. The judges rip Leanne and Blayne, and Blayne tries to defend himself by basically telling the judges, "Hey, you guys know I'm a psycho and haven't tanned in weeks."

Classic. Absolutely classic.

9:51 p.m. Brooke gets on the "is that a word" bandwagon:



9:56 p.m. Keith and Kenley win!! Ruffles prevail!!

9:57 p.m. Jerell and Stella move on. Jerell is off to joust.

9:57 p.m. Blayne has left Heidi speechless. Like that's a first.

9:58 p.m. Blayne is in, and he actually looks disappointed. For Christ's sake, just put a tanning bed into his room and make his day.

9:59 p.m. Kelli's out. Jerell looks like his dog died. Pull it together, man. Jesus.

Final thoughts:

Kelli didn't deserve to go home. Forget the facts that she won once in the past and got unfairly blamed for Daniel's "swably" zippers. Kelli was the closest thing to "hot as hell" female on this show, huge tattoo on her right arm aside. What am I supposed to do now?

Beyond that, a particularly boring episode this week. Usually, I can find one main thing to harp on -- Suede on Suede, Joe's inner struggles, Stella ... (that's it. Just Stella) -- that will kill 30 minutes. But this episode was all over the place. That, combined with Tim's lack of "make it work"(s) in recent weeks, made Episode 5 a tough one to get through.

I need some bones here, people!! Perhaps Heidi can start wearing leather.

Is that sexist?

Until next time.