Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Episode 8: A Fashion Legend I Never Heard Of And A Movie I Never Heard Of. Won't This Be Fun: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My oldest friend's brother's wife (try saying that three times fast) recently presented her animated short film, The Dollhouse, at a film festival in San Francisco. The film, made by Tara Beyhm, is about a girl who becomes obsessed with a dollhouse her rich classmate received as a gift. You can view the 10-minute film here.

What this has to with Project Runway, I don't know. But the way I see it, this is a film about a dollhouse that I'm mentioning on a blog that's read by straight women and gay men.

Straight women.

Gay men.

Dollhouse.

Surely you can find some parallels.

Did I mention the obsessed girl's dad looks like Closet Gay Joe?

:-)

And with that, Episode 8:

9:01 p.m. Korto's hair looks exactly the same whether she first wakes up, is out on the town or (I'm guessing) gets it wet.

9:01 p.m. Can't make fun of Stella for not knowing how many tablespoons of coffee to put into the coffee maker. Christ, I can't even make instant. So we'll just make fun of the fact that she looks like Skeletor when only wearing a bra.

9:01 p.m. Speaking of Stella:

"I almost %$#*$ my pants."

Now that's an image I didn't need.

9:01 p.m. Now come on. You know Terri was doing lines the night before. Jesus, the woman is swaying as she walks. These are warning signs, people. Pretty soon, we're going to see the junkie itch.

9:02 p.m. I'm not huge on Heidi's outfit. No skin showing. Plus, her sparkling top reminds me of Robin Wright-Penn during her disco scenes in the movie "Forrest Gump." I hate disco. It's like the music industry's cruel joke.

9:03 p.m. The designers are going to be designing for a fashion legend. Blayne thinks it's Mary Kate Olsen. I'm thinking no.

9:04 p.m. Blayne: "I want to marry Mary Kate."

Of course.

9:04 p.m. Blayne again: "Who doesn't?"

Straight guys. And butchy lesbians.

9:05 p.m. Did you see the huge grin on Joe's face in the seconds before he meets this "fashion legend"? The dude doesn't smile nearly as brightly when Heidi Klum walks in the room. Yet some of you still insist he's straight. The evidence is right in front of you, people!!

9:05 p.m. OK, this will no doubt shock some of you, but I don't have the first damn clue who Diane von Furstenburg is. Does she make sweat pants for the big and tall?

9:05 p.m. Kenley hasn't cried that much since she finally had enough cleavage to buy a bra.

9:06 p.m. Damn it, everyone's gushing over this woman. I have to do some research.

Me to my better half Ramona:

"Babe, who's Diane von Furstenburg?"

Ramona:

"She's a famous designer."

Glad we cleared that up.

9:06 p.m. Oh Jesus, shoot me now. Design something based on the movie "A Foreign Affair?" Does it stun you to hear that I've never seen the movie? Do films made pre-1960 really count as films? Ponder that.

9:06 p.m. Can't we design something from, like, Rambo? I just wish someone would think of me once in a while.

9:07 p.m. Diane the Legend I never heard of is talking, and everyone is hanging on her every word. She said the word "the" and Jerell is shaking his head yes like he's listening to Dr. King.

9:07 p.m. Joe's heard of Diane.

You know where I'm going with this.

9:07 p.m. Tim: "Diane's our guest judge."

Yay.

9:08 p.m. Kenley's crying again. She loves Diane the Legend I never heard of's prints. Either that, or Daniel put her in a family way and she's a little emotional.


9:10 p.m. Jerell informs Kenley the crying machine that while she's only making a dress, he's making a dress, a jacket and a skirt.

Rerrrrrr!!

9:11 p.m. Suede just referred to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:12 p.m. Gotta defend Terri here for probably the first time this season. Blayne and Joe rag on her "one trick pony" show, but the fact is: She's never on the chopping block. Blayne and Joe are just getting defensive. It's what men (in this case, Blayne is close enough) do when they feel threatened by the opposite sex.

9:13 p.m. In the "coming up" scenes, Kenley cries. Can't wait.

9:18 p.m. Jerell describes the plot of "A Foreign Affair." I tune out.

9:20 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:20 p.m. Does watching Leanne talk about her secret desires to be a spy and an animal make you think that in about five years, she's gonna snap and go on a killing spree? Seriously, I got a chill.

9:22 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:23 p.m. Tim to Leanne: "You have thinking to do."

You said a mouthful, brotha.

9:24 p.m. Tim hates Korto's yellow as a bra strap but loves it under the skirt. There's meaning somewhere in there.

9:24 p.m. OK, Stella just totally cracked me up here. According to her, the judges are clueless and it's not necessary to know the details of the movie that Diane the Legend I never heard of is basing her collection on. This is how I would act were I on this show.

9:25 p.m. It's been eight episodes and only know do we have proof that the designers eat. I was wondering why Korto's ass never got smaller.

9:26 p.m. Kenley cries. Moving on.

9:32 p.m. Am I the only one who notices that the models are taking their tops off in front of everybody? Is this a standard industry practice? Should I pretend to be gay and know who Diane the Legend I never heard of is?

9:33 p.m. We see Topacio's belly button.

Topacio.

9:34 p.m. You may disagree, but I happen to love Stella's "my outfit makes my model's boobies pop out" design. It speaks to me.

9:34 p.m. You know how you can tell that Jerell and Blayne are gay? When they high five, they wiggle their fingers. Straight men keep their hands steady during such gestures.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's back to her hot "drool over my body" look. Thank you, Heidi. Way to rebound.

9:40 p.m. Can you not see Diane the Legend I never heard of as a James Bond villain? Just throwing that out there.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's spreading his love of hats to his models. Now that's nice to see.

9:41 p.m. Blayne says that Diane the Legend I never heard of loves his tan. Wouldn't be surprised. She's looking a little withered herself.

9:44 p.m. Joe's design looks bad from the back, says the judges.

Diane the Legend I never heard of: "So don't show your back."

Everyone pretends it's funny.

9:46 p.m. Heidi's not huge on Kenley's efforts, but Diane the Legend I never heard of likes the dress. Heidi looks mad. Not even Seal is allowed to disagree with her in public, my sources inform me.

9:47 pm. Stella's cape is not a 1940s cape, the Legend decrees. We're nitpicking just a smidge, ain't we D?

9:57 p.m. Wow, Diane must be a legend. They let her announce that Leanne won. Lifetime highlights for both.

9:57 p.m. You know what sucks about the bottom two? No matter what, I lose someone I routinely make fun of. Not fair.

9:58 p.m. Stella's out. Back to pimpin' the hoes.

9:58 p.m. Kenley cries. Is there a quota she's supposed to make?

Final thoughts:

What the hell am I supposed to say? I never heard of the legend, I never heard of the movie, and I lost one of my favorite people to ridicule. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to miss Stella. Every week, she gave me at least three or four pieces of material. From her leather fetish for classy dresses. to using a hammer to make her clothes, to Ratbones, you just never knew what she was going to throw at you next.

The show just lost its resident psychopath. Never an easy thing to get over.

Until next time.

13 comments:

Another Suburban Mom said...

I am bereft over Stella's aufing. She was the most consistently entertaining person on the show, and she remained true to herself in the end and had a classy exit.

DVF invented the Wrap Dress.

Kristi said...

I'm surprised I feel this way, but I'm going to miss her too. I agree with suburban mom. I like the way she left. I'm sad there will be no more stories about Ratbones.

Jessie said...

Yes, models take off their clothes in front of rooms full of people. They weight four pounds, what do they care?

Speaking of closet gays, I couldn't help but notice you have links to both a sweaty-half-naked-Rambo and dashing-James-Bond.... just saying.

Anonymous said...

fuck you, Nev. I'm straight & I read your blog. I'd probably do you after a few drinks, though ...

Stephanie said...

Stella got screwed. Joe totally deserved the aufing. Totally gonna miss her.

And Nev, if you're not careful, I'm going to have to make a mandatory movie list for you.

silysilvi said...

Nev Shame on you for not knowing who DVF is. I do agree I will miss making fun of Stella.

Ramona said...

How could you have out Stella's parting comments Nev.

``I make clothes for rockstars. If you like my stuff, come buy it. If not, I don't care.''

Bam!

Love dat girl.

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