Friday, October 30, 2009

Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:

Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!

Mom: No!!

Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!

Mom: No Pamela!!

Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!

Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?

Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!

You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.

No more.

And with that, the show is starting:

10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."

Right. That's the problem.

10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.

And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.

10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...

I don't know. I must ponder.

10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.

I know. Too easy.

10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.

10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.

This should be interesting for about...never.

10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.

10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....

Damn. I don't know.

10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!

10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.

10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?

10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"


10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.

Go bold, Chris. Go bold.

10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.

10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."

Like her breasts.

10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.

That will take some time.

10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?

10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.

10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.

10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."

Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.

10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."

Um, brother, that's not a good thing.

10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.

10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.

10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.

10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.


As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."

10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Really?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: You do?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.

Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.

10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.

10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."


10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.

10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.

10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.

Oh wait...

10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.

And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.

10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.

That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.

That's right. I said it.

10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?

10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.

10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.

If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.

10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.

10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.

10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.

10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.

10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.

10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.

10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."

10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.

10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!

10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.

10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.

Final thoughts:

I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?

As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.

That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.

Until next time.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Episode 11 Recap To Be Posted Friday

Because damn it, I need my sleep. :-)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Episode 10: Charlie Brown Halloween Socks, Chris Cries (Again), And Nicolas' Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Two days ago, my wife Ramona and I celebrated our two-month anniversary. So I bought her two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

Because hey: Anyone can get flowers or candy or jewelry. But let's face it: It's been done.

Two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

It's the way to go. A tip: From me to you.

My apologies again for the delay on this recap. On with the show. Ramona is watching it with me for the first time in a few weeks:

10:01 p.m. Is it just me, or does every episode seem to start with Carol putting on her whore makeup and Gordana mumbling in the background?

10:01 p.m. Nicolas runs in a circle like a crazy person. Sounds about right.

10:02 p.m. Chris is surprised he's still here. He speaks for all of America.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors' store. I wonder if they sell sweatpants.

10:04 p.m. Michael sounds gay. You know what I mean? I love the gay community -- I have gay friends and family members -- but he definitely has the gay male voice.

Gay people know what I'm talking about.

10:05 p.m. Create a look inspired by a famous locale.


10:05 p.m. Carol picks Palm Beach. A druggie and party town.


10:05 p.m. Althea retains her spot on the hotness poll, with Irina at No. 2.

Shirin is home, no doubt eating bon bons because she no longer has to stay in shape for my hotness meter.

10:06 p.m. Chris picks Santa Fe. God, he even picks boring places.

10:07 p.m. You know what Gordana needs? Subtitles.

10:07 p.m. Gordana buys jewels. At least, I think she's buying jewels. Really woman, learn English.

10:08 p.m. Ramona: "Nicolas is making a white, frilly thing again, like he does every week."

The statement speaks for itself.

10:09 p.m. Althea has fabric in her mouth.

That's hot for some reason.

10:10 p.m. Chris is worried because Michael Kors is judging the challenge and he has to impress Michael, apparently forgetting that Mikey judges every challenge.

10:12 p.m. You know what these designs need? Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:15 p.m. Chris gives his obligatory "this is what I have to do to avoid being axed" speech.

10:16 p.m. Althea is basing her design on a Muslim church.

10:16 p.m. Ramona: "By the way, Nev, it's 'muslin', not 'muslim'".

I swear to God: I hadn't even said a word. The wife simply knows me too well.

10:18 p.m. Logan wants to make something that says "Hollywood" and "California" to him.

Way to reach.

10:19 p.m. Irina's outfit is really not Nicolas' thing. Of course it's not: Irina actually uses colors.

10:20 p.m. Gordana isn't ready for her model. Because, you know, she hasn't made anything.

10:21 p.m. Nicolas doesn't want his design to look Grecian goddess. Because if it does...horrors!!

10:22 p.m. You know what would make Nicolas' design less Grecian goddess?

Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:24 p.m. Bonding session among the designers. Time to vomit.

10:25 p.m. OK, slight revision to the hotness poll: Althea is still No. 1, but she loses ground this week because she's got that 1980s big blond hair thing going on.

10:27 p.m. Gordana makes bacon. And somehow, that makes sense.

10:27 p.m. Nicolas had a little mental breakdown. Par for the course, I'm guessing.

10:28 p.m. Logan is wearing four rings. He's such a douchebag. I mean...dude.

10:29 p.m. Ramona has suddenly discovered that none of the models have boobs.

10:29 p.m. Ramona: "Nevin, don't put that in there!!"


10:30 p.m. Did Althea just say "weared it"?

10:31 p.m. Chris gives another "this is my life" speech and looks like he's about to cry. Which he does every freakin' week.

10:37 p.m. You think Seal ever bought Heidi Charlie Brown Halloween socks?

10:38 p.m. Milla Jovovich is the guest judge. She could use a spray tan.

10:39 p.m. The models walk down the runway. Time for some Diet coke.

10:39 p.m. Althea is in. I'm pleased.

10:40 p.m. The judges like Irina. The two remaining hot girls are going to be safe.

Time for a fist pump.

10:40 p.m. Milla thinks Chris' belt has "this 1983 kind of charm to it."

How the hell do you pull 1983 out of thin air? I mean, really?

10:42 p.m. Milla moved her hands around 14 times while talking about Nicolas' crap of a design. I know. I counted.

10:43 p.m. Gordana has an ugly chin.


10:45 p.m. I've decided that I would be good as a guest judge on this show. I can talk with my hands, I can make random 1983 belt references, and I sure as hell would be better than Lindsay Lohan. She fell off the wagon, according to Star.

10:46 p.m. Heidi didn't mind Logan's outfit.

Milla: "If this was Project 'I Didn't Mind It', Logan would win."

OK, that was funny.

10:54 p.m. Ramona's wearing the Charlie Brown Halloween socks.


10:54 p.m. Carol's in. Next week's episode: Carol puts on her whore makeup.

10:54 p.m. Irina wins. Beauty and brains. Or at least sewing ability.

10:55 p.m. Gordana is in, but Heidi says she needs to have more confidence in herself.

That's code for: Learn English.

10:55 p.m. Logan is in.

Ramona: "Because he's cute and the show needs the ratings."

A dirty look is coming her way shortly.

10:56 p.m. Nicolas and Chris are in the bottom two. Chris' tears to follow.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Again.

Chris cries.


10:57 p.m. Nicolas is out. He stands there for 45 seconds like an idiot. Not that that's a stretch.

Final thoughts:

Perhaps if Nicolas had used the Charlie Brown Halloween socks in his design -- which featured bright colors -- he could've scooted by. But instead, he's out and Chris remains the annoying cockroach who simply refuses to die.


The annoying cockroach.

Who cries.

Every freakin' episode.

Seriously dude, pretend to be a man.

Until next time.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Episode 10 Recap Postponed Until Saturday

Sorry folks, but the wife is home today after spending a week out of town for work, and I'll be gone all day Friday. So your Project Runway recap will have to wait until Saturday.

Try to deal. :-)

In the meantime, feel free to check out my latest blog at and my latest 10-minute podcast at

That will lessen the blow.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Episode 9: Bob What's His Name, Nicolas Pisses His Pants, And Gordana Mumbles: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what I miss? Styrofoam. Back in the 80s, styrofoam was like beer ads filled with hot, beautiful women: Everywhere. But then these damn environmentalists started going, "Oh styrofoam is bad for the environment because it doesn't biodegrade, and these beer ads are sexist, so we're going to stop all of this and make the world gender-equal and boring."

And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.

Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?

10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.


10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"

Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"


10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.

10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.

10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.

10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.

10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.

10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.

10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.

10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.

10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.

10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.

The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.

10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.

10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.

10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.

10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.

10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"

Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.

10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.

Her priorities are way out of whack.

10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?

10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.

10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.

I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?

That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.

10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."

She must be referring to her English skills.

10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?

10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.

10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.

Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.

10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the, circles.

10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.

Can we say double standard?

10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."

Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.

Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?

Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.

10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.

10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.

10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.

10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.

10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!

Final thoughts:

OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.

Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.

Until next time.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Episode 8: Giving To Charity, Shirin's Hotness Downfall, And The Epps Take Their Lumps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Before I begin this week's episode recap, I'd like to be serious for a minute and talk about an organization that is aiming to help the people of the Philippines who were devastated by the recent Typhoon Ondoy.

HOPE worldwide is an international charity that aims to change lives by harnessing the compassion and commitment of dedicated staff and volunteers to deliver sustainable, high-impact, community-based services to the poor and needy. A good friend of mine who has volunteered all over the world for Hope worldwide helped to build and work in an facility called the Center of HOPE Worldwide Orphanage in Manila. It is a treatment center for abused children in the Philippines, specializing in child sexual and physical abuse cases primarily. The center offers short-term and long-term residential care, treatment and placement, meeting the holistic needs of each child. The center has been completely flooded and destroyed, and they are working to take care of the people who were displaced as a result.

Here is a link to how you can make a donation to helping the victims of this terrible disaster reclaim their lives.

On a personal note: Like many of us, when I initially heard about the typhoon, I admittedly thought little of it. Was it sad to hear? Yes. But was I greatly affected in any way by the news? No. To be frank, I was pretty disconnected from the whole thing. When tragic events like this happen, most of us don't stop to realize just how much people's lives have been affected by this, because simply put we're not the ones being affected.

But when my friend told me about the orphanage in Manila, and that she knows of several people who have perished or are declared missing as a result of the typhoon, I began seeing things in a different light. And I began to think that in these times, we have to look beyond our little bubble. We have to see the world around us and help out -- all of us -- when others are in need.

In addition, a small donation really goes on a long way. Living in America, we don't see how far a little money can go. But in an impoverished nation, a $25 donation -- one donation!! -- can help feed a family for months. All of this -- individually -- can make a big difference with just a small effort.

So please click on the link above and make a donation. You will be changing a life for the better.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Gordana: "When I came to America, I had nothing. Now I have everything."

Except anti-wrinkle cream.

10:01 p.m. Irina's drinking orange juice.


10:02 p.m. Ewwwwww!!!! Nicolas is undressing Logan with his eyes!!!

10:03 p.m. The designers get new models and are wearing wedding dresses even though they're already divorced.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

10:04 p.m. I'm glad my wife Ramona is out of town and not listening to how long all these women have been divorced. Don't want her getting ideas.

10:06 p.m. What is an "apple-kay?" Is it a push-up bra?

10:07 p.m. Irina has made another huge push in the hotness pool. She's a solid # 2 now, far outdistancing Shirin -- whose bitchy attitude is making her less attractive -- and Althea continues to pound the oreos. This is getting tight.

10:07 p.m. Shirin continues to bitch and moan. She's getting uglier by the second.

10:09 p.m. What does Logan have against us seeing his hair? I swear, that hat takes over half his face.

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

(slaps Mood's ass)

10:11 p.m. Carol says that cutting up a wedding dress is like running into a church and swearing at the top of your lungs.

For Carol, that would be her version of having the holy spirit.

10:11 p.m. Gordana tries to reach her kids on the phone but can't. She cries.

I know I should care, but you know what? I don't. And you know what? You don't care, either. You hate her. She's creepy. Admit it. It's OK.

10:13 p.m. Shut up, Shirin!! Jesus.

10:19 p.m. Tim is worried about Logan's textile. And really, it is a concern. Textile is not Logan's strong suit. We all know this.

10:20 p.m. Shirin whines to Tim. Shirin whines to the camera. Shirin whines to herself. Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. Cry cry cry. Shirin, you want to gain your momentum back on the hotness poll? Stop talking.

10:22 p.m. Logan is freaking out. His hair may be falling out, but we can't see it.

10:24 p.m. This episode is more boring than usual. I mean...yawn.

10:29 p.m. Gordana: "I look like I've been digging holes."

Which is an improvement.

10:29 p.m. Chris: "This is my design and I stand behind it."

Well good for you, Chris!! Now go verbally suck Epperson's penis.

10:31 p.m. Is it just me, or was Tim's "Macy's Accessory Wall" pointing-it-out thing less enthusiastic than usual?

10:32 p.m. I am stunned that Shirin's model got divorced. I mean, what man wouldn't want a woman who questions every little detail of every little thing every five minutes?

10:32 p.m. How revolting is Nicolas' model Stephanie? Steph wants to have Nicolas' child and Nicolas -- not exactly a looker in either the straight or gay community -- looked like he was going to vomit.

10:39 p.m. "There are nine of you here, and after today: They'll be eight."

Don't you just love her for her brains?

10:40 p.m. OK, watching the divorced women walk down the aisle is ridiculously hysterical. Most of them are, like, power walking.

10:40 p.m. Logan designed fat pants.

10:42 p.m. Gordana's divorcee looks like a coked-out Uma Thurman.

10:44 p.m. The judges love Gordana's Uma-on-crack outfit.

10:45 p.m. Chris has been fake-smiling this whole episode, almost like he's trying to make up for crying his eyes out last time.

10:46 p.m. Epperson is getting bashed by the judges. Chris, go verbally down on him. Make him feel better.

10:46 p.m. Shirin'a divorcee -- you know, every man's fantasy if he wants to be ridiculed every eight seconds for the rest of his life -- has bad teeth.

10:56 p.m. Shirin is in. But she's faltering where it counts.

10:57 p.m. Gordana wins. But her kids don't love her.

10:57 p.m. Irina is win. She's hot.

10:58 p.m. Little Epp, aka Chris, is in. Will Big Epp survive? Bottom two: Logan and Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Epperson's gone. But Chris remains to carry on his legacy.

Final thoughts:

This episode sucked.


That's pretty much all I got.


Until next time.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Episode 8 Recap Postponed Until Friday

Guys, just a reminder that I'm playing in a charity poker tournament tonight so I will be posting my recap of tonight's episode on Friday night, Oct. 9.

Try to amuse yourselves until then. :-)

Check back tomorrow night!!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Marilyn Manson, Doogie Howser, And Mud Wrestling: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

At the Nevdogg household, we don't believe in your typical gender roles. Which is why my wife Ramona kindly lets me do the laundry (Yeah. Joy). For those of you who have never lived in an apartment, doing laundry is a pain in the ass because a) you can never find enough quarters to operate the machines, and b) even when you do find the quarters, the damn machines are never free anyway!! To read more about my thoughts on the subject, read my latest blog post at

And now, on with the letters. Pamela writes:

If Nicolas and Louise were to get married and have kids, what do you think they would look like?

They'd look like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Neil Patrick Harris.

I mean: It fits, right?

Jerry writes:

You know what this show needs? A mud wrestling three-way between Althea, Shirin and Irina.

Jerry, I couldn't agree more. Finally, some real perspective from a reader. And in such a three-way, I'd have to put my money on Althea. Shirin simply doesn't have the size, so she's out. Irina, I think, would put up a surprising battle, but I just see Althea wearing her down.

Great, great suggestion.

And finally, LYD writes:

Alright, this might seem strange but I had to leave a comment. I've never been to this website. I didn't even know it existed. Plus I don't even watch the show you posted about. Not a single episode. Ever. But I have to say, just reading this post by random chance was awesome. Hilarious, awesome, and entertaining. So I just wanted to thank you. :)

LYD, it's comments like those that are why I write this blog. Thank you!! :-) And tell all your friends about how much I hate this show.

OK, that's it. A reminder: There's a good chance this week's recap may be postponed until around Friday evening because I'll be playing in a charity poker tourney on Thursday.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Episode 7: My Dad's Movie Remake, Louise-Nicolas Chemistry, And Little Epp: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

A couple of hours before tonight's episode, I received the following comment from Elizabeth:

I can't wait to check out your dad's movie MAUSOLEUM, that is right up my b/f's alley...

Did you hear that, Dad? Someone is actually going to watch your movie!!!

Time to bust out the cigars.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Has Gordana's accent gotten thicker? Has she taken more Eastern European accent tablets than usual?

10:02 p.m. Louise wants to go more over the top.

Somebody hold me.

10:02 p.m. Mausoleum was about a hot, curvy blond woman with big natural breasts who was possessed by a demon as a child and is now killing people as an adult. This role was played by actress Bobbie Breese (warning: the upcoming link is a still from the movie and is not suitable for work) who walks around naked for half the film for no real reason. Bobbie, who also had roles in Surf Nazis Must Die and Ghoulies, was nominated for the 1984 Saturn Award for Best Actress for her portrayal as a demonic slut who had sex with her husband, the gardener and the guy who delivered plants (all were eventually killed).

You can't make this stuff up.

10:03 p.m. I'm pegging Heidi Klum to star in the Mausoleum remake.

C'mon. You knew I was going there.

10:03 p.m. Here's what the Mausoleum remake movie poster would say:

Mausoleum: Starring a naked Heidi Klum.

This would so make money.

10:03 p.m. You know why a Mausoleum remake would make money? Because straight guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked, straight women would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they could point out imaginary flaws in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and gay guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they tell their fellow gays: "Nope, she still needs a penis."

You see? It would hit every demographic.

10:04 p.m. OK, totally lost. You make a blue garment from Macys? But it's a different kind of blue from all the other blues out there in the world? And what is Inc?

10:05 p.m. Another team challenge. Will Logan and Carol be a team and hook up? Will Nicolas and Louise be a team...and hook up?

10:05 p.m. Everyone pitches their ideas, goals, dreams, fears, etc. I'm tuning out so let's talk about Mausoleum.

In Mausoleum, the demon woman and her husband had a maid, played by the late LaWanda Page. In the movie, LaWanda drinks generous amounts of gin after seeing the demon woman transforming into her demon-like state with clouds of green smoke emanating all around. She then drinks some more gin, runs upstairs to confirm that, yes, she did indeed see a woman surrounded by a demon surrounded by green smoke, and runs off.

Funny enough: My dad told me recently that during filming of this scene, LaWanda briefly passed out because she was drinking real gin during all the takes.

Me: "Why did you have her drink real liquor?"

Dad: "Because I'm the director, and I wanted my vision to be real."

Says the man who wrote a movie about a woman whose demonic breasts had mouths.

10:06 p.m. Louise talks about "apple-kay rose-ets."


10:07 p.m. Althea picks Logan. The hot girl picks the pretty boy. I roll my eyes and am getting that "I want to chuck something at the TV" urge.

10:07 p.m. Louise picks Nicolas.

I'm telling you...

10:08 p.m. Ramona attempt to stay something interesting for the blog #1:

"Carol and Shirin. Two hot chicks on the same team, Nev."

Nice try, baby. But you've forgotten that Carol is way down on the hotness poll.

10:09 p.m. Are Louise and Nicolas wearing the same jeans?

I'm telling you...

10:09 p.m. Jesus, Gordana really needs to dial down the accent. I can practically see her spit.

10:09 p.m. Louise misplaces her cash. She must have sex on the brain.

I'm telling you...

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

Always a pleasure.

10:15 p.m. Shirin doesn't seem enthused about working with Carol. And why should she? Shirin is hot, Carol is not. That makes Shirin better.

And while we're talking about hot women, here's the latest shake-up in the hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot, by virtue of her tank top. Bare shoulders are always a plus.

10:16 p.m. Chris is verbally sucking Epperson's penis. I mean, you think so too, right?

10:17 p.m. Nicolas says Louise "makes really cute, funny noises when she works."

Louise: "It relieves stress."

You know what else relieves stress?

I'm telling you...

10:18 p.m. Gordana talks about how everyone thinks Logan's cute, and Ramona laughs.

I want a divorce.

10:18 p.m. In Mausoleum, there was a psychiatrist named Simon who saw the demon woman halfway transform and watched her eyes glow green. Simon calmed her down by having her count to three.

Tim will play Simon in the remake. And will even find a way to throw in a "make it work."

10:21 p.m. Epperson and Chris are wearing the same color.

For the remainder of the blog, Chris will be referred to as "Little Epp."

10:22 p.m. One of the models looks at all the blue dresses and asks:

"Is the theme blue?"


10:22 p.m. Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 2:

"Is Louise trying to be the next Ben Stein? You know what I mean?"

10:23 p.m. Carol always freaks out late at night.

Because she's coming down.

10:24 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills her dowdy aunt. In the remake, Louise will reprise that role.

10:28 p.m. Little Epp will play the demon woman's husband in the Mausoleum remake. He gets killed in the shower near the end when the demon woman gives him a hug.

10:29 p.m. Louise is feeling tense. Nicolas is going to help her as much as he can.

I'm telling you...

10:30 p.m. I hate to say this, but Althea has put on weight. This combined with Irina's bare shoulders...I don't know.

10:30 p.m. Gordana is seriously sounding like cotton's in her mouth.

10:31 p.m. The Macy's accessory wall has been stocked with Inc shoes.

Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 3:

"The designers look oh so excited that there are Inc shoes on the wall."

Baby, I love you for trying.

10:33 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a guy outside a disco by setting his car on fire with her mind while he's in the vehicle.

Sounds like the perfect role for Logan.

10:38 p.m. Heidi: "One...or more...will be out."


10:38 p.m. Everything is blue. I'm bored. Let's talk about Mausoleum:

In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a mall worker (who refused to sell her a painting) by levitating him off the ground and dropping him over the railing several stories to his death. It wasn't the fall that killed him. It was the fact that he went through a statue of a spike.

Congratulations, Nicolas. You have a role in the remake.

10:40 p.m. Pretty boy Logan and a fatter Althea advance.

But Althea's No. 1 ranking is no longer secure.

10:41 p.m. Team Epp and the "I'm telling you" couple have the lowest scores. Little Epp looks like he's gonna cry.

10:42 p.m. Irina and Gordana aren't acting like a team. Probably because Irina can't understand a word Gordana is saying.

Communication is key, you know?

10:43 p.m. Irina's bare shoulders vs. Shirin's cute glasses look. Thoughts?

10:44 p.m. Louise likes ruffles, but no one else likes Ruffles.

On the bright side, Louise has a nice sex glow going on.

I'm telling you...

10:46 p.m. Heidi and Michael Kors make Little Epp cry. Poor Little Epp.

10:46 p.m. Epperson speaks, so let's talk about his role for the Mausoleum remake:

In Mausoleum,

Hold on:

Jesus, Little Epp, get it together!!! Stop crying!!

OK, so:

At the beginning of Mausoleum, some random guy stumbles into the mausoleum right after the demon possesses the woman (who is a girl at the time). The guy's head then explodes.

Epperson, it's not a great role, but it's all we got left. Sorry.

10:55 p.m. Shirin is in. Still No. 3 on the hotness chart.

10:55 p.m. Irina wins!! Her shoulders should be bare every week.

10:56 p.m. Gordana, Carol and Epperson are in. Nicolas skates by because of his immunity. Louise and Little Epp in the bottom two.

10:57 p.m. One...or both...of them will be out.


10:58 p.m. Louise is out and stays strong. Little Epp is in and cries. And then Little Epp needs to be consoled by Louise.

Do I have to say "be a man, for God's sake!!" or is it really necessary?

Final thoughts:

Louise sucked, and I'm now convinced she was wearing a wig. Her banging Nicolas on the side made for some good writing material, but still: She had to go. Gordana is annoying because she no longer speaks English, and Little Epp needs to grow a set. Sorry but it's true.

Let me finish with a couple of things: 1) See my dad's movie. Our family hearts residuals. And 2) Next week's episode recap may be delayed a day because I'm playing in a poker tournament next Thursday night for charity.

Because I'm a giver. :-)

Until next time.