A couple of hours before tonight's episode, I received the following comment from Elizabeth:
I can't wait to check out your dad's movie MAUSOLEUM, that is right up my b/f's alley...
Did you hear that, Dad? Someone is actually going to watch your movie!!!
Time to bust out the cigars.
And with that, on with the show:
10:01 p.m. Has Gordana's accent gotten thicker? Has she taken more Eastern European accent tablets than usual?
10:02 p.m. Louise wants to go more over the top.
Somebody hold me.
10:02 p.m. Mausoleum was about a hot, curvy blond woman with big natural breasts who was possessed by a demon as a child and is now killing people as an adult. This role was played by actress Bobbie Breese (warning: the upcoming link is a still from the movie and is not suitable for work) who walks around naked for half the film for no real reason. Bobbie, who also had roles in Surf Nazis Must Die and Ghoulies, was nominated for the 1984 Saturn Award for Best Actress for her portrayal as a demonic slut who had sex with her husband, the gardener and the guy who delivered plants (all were eventually killed).
You can't make this stuff up.
10:03 p.m. I'm pegging Heidi Klum to star in the Mausoleum remake.
C'mon. You knew I was going there.
10:03 p.m. Here's what the Mausoleum remake movie poster would say:
Mausoleum: Starring a naked Heidi Klum.
This would so make money.
10:03 p.m. You know why a Mausoleum remake would make money? Because straight guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked, straight women would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they could point out imaginary flaws in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and gay guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they tell their fellow gays: "Nope, she still needs a penis."
You see? It would hit every demographic.
10:04 p.m. OK, totally lost. You make a blue garment from Macys? But it's a different kind of blue from all the other blues out there in the world? And what is Inc?
10:05 p.m. Another team challenge. Will Logan and Carol be a team and hook up? Will Nicolas and Louise be a team...and hook up?
10:05 p.m. Everyone pitches their ideas, goals, dreams, fears, etc. I'm tuning out so let's talk about Mausoleum.
In Mausoleum, the demon woman and her husband had a maid, played by the late LaWanda Page. In the movie, LaWanda drinks generous amounts of gin after seeing the demon woman transforming into her demon-like state with clouds of green smoke emanating all around. She then drinks some more gin, runs upstairs to confirm that, yes, she did indeed see a woman surrounded by a demon surrounded by green smoke, and runs off.
Funny enough: My dad told me recently that during filming of this scene, LaWanda briefly passed out because she was drinking real gin during all the takes.
Me: "Why did you have her drink real liquor?"
Dad: "Because I'm the director, and I wanted my vision to be real."
Says the man who wrote a movie about a woman whose demonic breasts had mouths.
10:06 p.m. Louise talks about "apple-kay rose-ets."
Yeah.
10:07 p.m. Althea picks Logan. The hot girl picks the pretty boy. I roll my eyes and am getting that "I want to chuck something at the TV" urge.
10:07 p.m. Louise picks Nicolas.
I'm telling you...
10:08 p.m. Ramona attempt to stay something interesting for the blog #1:
"Carol and Shirin. Two hot chicks on the same team, Nev."
Nice try, baby. But you've forgotten that Carol is way down on the hotness poll.
10:09 p.m. Are Louise and Nicolas wearing the same jeans?
I'm telling you...
10:09 p.m. Jesus, Gordana really needs to dial down the accent. I can practically see her spit.
10:09 p.m. Louise misplaces her cash. She must have sex on the brain.
I'm telling you...
10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!
Always a pleasure.
10:15 p.m. Shirin doesn't seem enthused about working with Carol. And why should she? Shirin is hot, Carol is not. That makes Shirin better.
And while we're talking about hot women, here's the latest shake-up in the hotness poll:
Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot, by virtue of her tank top. Bare shoulders are always a plus.
10:16 p.m. Chris is verbally sucking Epperson's penis. I mean, you think so too, right?
10:17 p.m. Nicolas says Louise "makes really cute, funny noises when she works."
Louise: "It relieves stress."
You know what else relieves stress?
I'm telling you...
10:18 p.m. Gordana talks about how everyone thinks Logan's cute, and Ramona laughs.
I want a divorce.
10:18 p.m. In Mausoleum, there was a psychiatrist named Simon who saw the demon woman halfway transform and watched her eyes glow green. Simon calmed her down by having her count to three.
Tim will play Simon in the remake. And will even find a way to throw in a "make it work."
10:21 p.m. Epperson and Chris are wearing the same color.
For the remainder of the blog, Chris will be referred to as "Little Epp."
10:22 p.m. One of the models looks at all the blue dresses and asks:
"Is the theme blue?"
Guess.
10:22 p.m. Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 2:
"Is Louise trying to be the next Ben Stein? You know what I mean?"
Um...no.
10:23 p.m. Carol always freaks out late at night.
Because she's coming down.
10:24 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills her dowdy aunt. In the remake, Louise will reprise that role.
10:28 p.m. Little Epp will play the demon woman's husband in the Mausoleum remake. He gets killed in the shower near the end when the demon woman gives him a hug.
10:29 p.m. Louise is feeling tense. Nicolas is going to help her as much as he can.
I'm telling you...
10:30 p.m. I hate to say this, but Althea has put on weight. This combined with Irina's bare shoulders...I don't know.
10:30 p.m. Gordana is seriously sounding like cotton's in her mouth.
10:31 p.m. The Macy's accessory wall has been stocked with Inc shoes.
Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 3:
"The designers look oh so excited that there are Inc shoes on the wall."
Baby, I love you for trying.
10:33 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a guy outside a disco by setting his car on fire with her mind while he's in the vehicle.
Sounds like the perfect role for Logan.
10:38 p.m. Heidi: "One...or more...will be out."
Ooooooooohhhhh.
10:38 p.m. Everything is blue. I'm bored. Let's talk about Mausoleum:
In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a mall worker (who refused to sell her a painting) by levitating him off the ground and dropping him over the railing several stories to his death. It wasn't the fall that killed him. It was the fact that he went through a statue of a spike.
Congratulations, Nicolas. You have a role in the remake.
10:40 p.m. Pretty boy Logan and a fatter Althea advance.
But Althea's No. 1 ranking is no longer secure.
10:41 p.m. Team Epp and the "I'm telling you" couple have the lowest scores. Little Epp looks like he's gonna cry.
10:42 p.m. Irina and Gordana aren't acting like a team. Probably because Irina can't understand a word Gordana is saying.
Communication is key, you know?
10:43 p.m. Irina's bare shoulders vs. Shirin's cute glasses look. Thoughts?
10:44 p.m. Louise likes ruffles, but no one else likes Ruffles.
On the bright side, Louise has a nice sex glow going on.
I'm telling you...
10:46 p.m. Heidi and Michael Kors make Little Epp cry. Poor Little Epp.
10:46 p.m. Epperson speaks, so let's talk about his role for the Mausoleum remake:
In Mausoleum,
Hold on:
Jesus, Little Epp, get it together!!! Stop crying!!
OK, so:
At the beginning of Mausoleum, some random guy stumbles into the mausoleum right after the demon possesses the woman (who is a girl at the time). The guy's head then explodes.
Epperson, it's not a great role, but it's all we got left. Sorry.
10:55 p.m. Shirin is in. Still No. 3 on the hotness chart.
10:55 p.m. Irina wins!! Her shoulders should be bare every week.
10:56 p.m. Gordana, Carol and Epperson are in. Nicolas skates by because of his immunity. Louise and Little Epp in the bottom two.
10:57 p.m. One...or both...of them will be out.
(yawns)
10:58 p.m. Louise is out and stays strong. Little Epp is in and cries. And then Little Epp needs to be consoled by Louise.
Do I have to say "be a man, for God's sake!!" or is it really necessary?
Final thoughts:
Louise sucked, and I'm now convinced she was wearing a wig. Her banging Nicolas on the side made for some good writing material, but still: She had to go. Gordana is annoying because she no longer speaks English, and Little Epp needs to grow a set. Sorry but it's true.
Let me finish with a couple of things: 1) See my dad's movie. Our family hearts residuals. And 2) Next week's episode recap may be delayed a day because I'm playing in a poker tournament next Thursday night for charity.
Because I'm a giver. :-)
Until next time.
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