Friday, October 30, 2009

Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:

Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!

Mom: No!!

Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!

Mom: No Pamela!!

Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!

Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?

Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!

You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.

No more.

And with that, the show is starting:

10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."

Right. That's the problem.

10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.

And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.

10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...

I don't know. I must ponder.

10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.

I know. Too easy.

10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.

10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.

This should be interesting for about...never.

10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.

10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....

Damn. I don't know.

10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!

10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.

10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?

10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"

Shampoo.

10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.

Go bold, Chris. Go bold.

10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.

10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."

Like her breasts.

10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.

That will take some time.

10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?

10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.

10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.

10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."

Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.

10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."

Um, brother, that's not a good thing.

10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.

10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.

10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.

10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.

IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!

As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."

10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Really?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: You do?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.

Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.

10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.

10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."

Unreal.

10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.

10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.

10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.

Oh wait...

10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.

And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.

10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.

That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.

That's right. I said it.

10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?

10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.

10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.

If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.

10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.

10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.

10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.

10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.

10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.

10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.

10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."

10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.

10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!

10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.

10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.

Final thoughts:

I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?

As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.

That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.

Until next time.

1 comment:

corporate*trash said...

Somehow I don't see the Gremloin's weight gain, but then again I try not to look at her for fear of turning to stone. That chick is unfortunately grotesque. Carol could be hot with better make up and a major wardrobe overhaul. Kinda sad considering she is a "fashion designer". And finally, Irena has MJ's nose, and that is never attractive.