Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thank-You Card Tips, Thank-You Card Advice, And Ra'Mon's Line Of Ties: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

I chatted recently with my former co-worker at the L.A. Daily News sports department, John Wareham, who informed me that he recently spoke to Project Runway castoff Ra'Mon. Ra'Mon, according to John, "is a super cool dude. He's very nice and might start his own line of ties with one of the actors who is in 'Surrogates' - who also confirmed that."

All great information. But personally, I was really hoping John would've gotten Ra'Mon's thoughts on someone who wrote on a hater blog about his show. And that the one who wrote that blog really thinks he would look good with a gold tooth.

Thanks for the intel, John!! But next time: Ask the tough questions. :-)

And now, here are some letters:

Another Suburban Mom writes:

A tip: Write about five cards a day and then mail them all out at once. Do not stagger the mailing because you will get passive-aggressive phone calls asking if you got the gift because so and so got one and they did not.

Also for cash I go with generous, very generous and extremely generous depending on how much they sent.

Otherwise..."Thanks for the lovely vase, however I did get one just like it. Would you mind sending a receipt so I can exchange it."

Or, you just say" "Thanks for the lovely vase, now Ramona will be able to brandish the vase at me when she complains that I never get her flowers."

All great advice, ASM. I particularly love the five-a-day thing. But let me answer your flower comment with a comment from Ramona:

He gets me flowers all the time ASM :)

Yeah, I'm that type of guy.

Amber writes:

Just get a stamp that says "Thank You", a use that on a generic blank card. Or send out a mass e-mail, even to the grandmas.

Now see: I too was pushing for sending out a mass e-mail, but everyone was shooting me down!! Why is this wrong? It's not being lazy. It's being efficient and embracing technology!! If I was allowed to send out my thank-you cards via e-mail, they'd be done by now. That's a fact.

Plus: I'm saving on paper. Am I the only one who wants to lend Mother Earth a hand?

And finally, newlywed Ivan asks for help:

I have to do thank-you cards soon as well. I'm not looking forward to it. Any advice?

Pay someone to do it for you.

You know Ivan, if you're looking to make some extra money...

Until Thursday.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Episode 6: Thank-You Cards, Ra'Mon's Klingon Name, And A Shake-Up In The Women's Hotness Poll: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what sucks about marriage? Thank-you cards. I've written out 16 over the past two days and my hand hurts. I'm sorry, but this is a stupid, stupid practice. Half these people didn't even get us gifts we like and/or going to use. What am I supposed to write? "Thanks for getting us some crappy vase instead of cash like we wanted?" Those who got us money? They deserve a thank-you card. Honeymoon luggage tags or a hot dog toaster? You get a thank-you card (because your gifts were actually useful). Otherwise, I say, you get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, what do you do about the people who came to the wedding but didn't get you a gift? Do they get a thank-you card? And if so, what the hell am I thanking them for? "Thanks for letting us spend $55 so you can attend our meeting and give us nothing in return, you ungrateful mooch?"

You know?

Anyways, on with the show. My wife Ramona is once again watching with me:

8:04 p.m. I'm actually not watching the episode for another 116 minutes, but my friend Tiffany -- whose cable system allows her to see the East Coast version three hours ahead of me -- just informed me that Tim is seduced by ruffles.

Something to look forward to.

10:02 p.m. Heidi's dress is decidedly unflattering. Note to Heidi: Dark blue looks good on no woman. None.

10:02 p.m. The challenge deals with movie making. You know, my dad made a horror film in the early 1980s called Mausoleum. It was a cheesy B movie, filled with cheap special effects, a dumb plot and half-naked women.

It was awesome!!!

10:03 p.m. Tim: "Welcome to a real Hollywood sound stage!!!"

I half expected him to shake.

10:03 p.m. I don't understand the challenge. Something about making something out of genres.

So in other words: You're making a costume? Why can't you just say "costume"? Let's simplify things, people.

10:04 p.m. Gordana is worried about Westerns because she's not American.

You know what? Love it or leave it.

10:05 p.m. Nicolas picks science fiction. Yeah, that's a stretch.

10:06 p.m. Shirin is going to make a saloon girl prostitute.


10:07 p.m. Logan and Carol Hannah are making goo-goo-ly eyes at each other. Logan winks. Carol swoons. I barf. Let's move on.

10:08 p.m. Speaking of Carol: Tiffany and I have been arguing for two weeks about Althea -- I say she's hot as hell, she says she looks like a goblin who chews rocks -- but we both agree that Carol looks like a cigarette chain smoker who hitchhikes.

10:08 p.m. You know what I realized about Gordana? She can't pronounce the letter "s".

10:08 p.m. WE'RE GOING TO MOOD!!!!

(happy dance)

10:09 p.m. Chris wants to go with a "brocade."


10:09 p.m. Say it with me now:

"Thank you, Mood!!!"

Let's all wave.

10:10 p.m. Epperson: "Western really is a period."


10:10 p.m. Gordana lost her scissors. But when she says "scissors", it sounds like the word is filled with Zs.

10:11 p.m. Ra'Mon could totally be a Klingon. Don't you think?

10:16 p.m. I betcha Logan isn't a good-enough person to write thank you cards following his wedding.

Just sayin'.

10:17 p.m. Gordana's dress says 1920s girl who has just discovered oil. And this is her re-release into "zociety."


10:18 p.m. I have come up with Ra'Mon's Klingon name:


10:19 p.m. Will Louise ever get married and go through the torture of writing thank-you cards?

One wonders...

10:20 p.m. Tim tells Nicolas to be less safe.

Ramona: "That's a really scary thing to tell Nicolas, especially given what he sent down the runway in the Avant Garde challenge. Nev, you should put that statement in the blog. It was actually insightful and not just some random thing ripping the show."

Insightful = boring.

No one insults my rips. Not even my better half. :-)

10:20 p.m. Big shake-up in the women's hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot.

The women's hotness poll: You never know what's gonna happen.

10:22 p.m. Mott is having second thoughts about his jumpsuit.

Mott. Tee hee.

10:23 p.m. Nicolas says he's almost lost it a couple of times. I thought he lost it long ago, personally.

I know, I know. An easy cheap shot. It's OK. I hate Nicolas. I want to make him suffer the ultimate punishment.

Grab a pen, Nic. You're writing my thank-you cards.

10:28 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas and Chris just said to each other. Was that design speak?

10:29 p.m. Mott shaves.



10:29 p.m. Does Epperson have a "Mood" bag?

Whoa. Even I have limits.

10:29 p.m. God, Logan annoys me. Every time he speaks, I want to slug him as hard as humanly possible. To all the female viewers who find him attractive: He's into Carol!! I mean, he loses points for that, doesn't he?

10:30 p.m. Use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully, people. It's not a toy.

10:31 p.m. Which of these women on the show (including the models) would do the wedding thank-you cards themselves and not involve their husbands? Thoughts?

10:34 p.m. Ramona: "Hi husband!!"


10:37 p.m. Another non-flattering outfit for Heidi. What is she, taking a week off?

10:38 p.m. I like Irina's dress. No. 2 on the women's hotness chart.

10:38 p.m. Carol's dress looks like someone who chain smokes and hitchhikers would wear.

I'm sure Logan likes it.

10:38 p.m. Ramona: "It must be hard to be a fat woman in fashion."

She said it, I didn't.

10:39 p.m. Ramona again:

"OK, if you were a fat lady in fashion, wouldn't you just be hating yourself all the time because you're surrounded by all these skinny people?"

Any answer I give will come back to haunt me later.

10:40 p.m. All three hot women are in.

And none of them are fat.

10:42 p.m. Nicolas' model wants to take over the Earth, says Nicolas.

God, he's a moron.

10:44 p.m. Louise uses the word "flapper" to describe her dress. Chris' dress says "vampire."

Did someone spike the water cooler in the design room or something?

10:45 p.m. Mott names his model Lola.

Mott and Lola, sittin' in a tree...

10:45 p.m. Think Mott would write my thank-you cards in Klingon?

10:48 p.m. What is a flapper?

10:48 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"The term flapper in the 1920s referred to a 'new breed' of young women who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to the new jazz music, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms."

So...1920s slut?

10:53 p.m. Me to Ramona:

"Hey babe, you want to write the rest of the thank-you cards? Your handwriting is much nicer than mine."

Ramona glares.


10:56 p.m. Gordana ("S? What's an S?") and Epperson are in.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas wins. There is no God.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Louise and Mott are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Ramona is really worried that Louise is going to be voted out. She hearts Louise. Lord knows why.

10:58 p.m. Mott's out??? But he's Mott!!!

10:59 p.m. OK, so Ramona went from fearing for Louise's life to booing the decision to vote Mott out. She calls the decision bulls*** and even screams racism.

Me: "But didn't you want Louise to stay?"

Ramona: "But not at the expense of Ra'Mon. Jesus, do you know me at all?"

Women. Don't understand them. Shouldn't try.

Final thoughts:

Another weird elimination. Ra'Mon really didn't deserve to go home. He essentially did the team challenge by himself, he made a lettuce-colored dress look cool, and didn't he win one week? Louise or Gordana definitely should've gone before him.

Also: NICOLAS MUST DIE!!! I mean, c'mon: He's creepy!! Would you want him around your kids? He screams "Columbine". That's right, I said it. And don't tell me you weren't thinking it!! You've been thinking it for weeks and so have I!! Let's get it out in the open.

Nicolas wins and I'm writing wedding thank-you cards.

Life sucks.

Until next time.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

'Muslin Clothing', Paper Negligee, And Girly Men: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

I'm currently in front of my TV screen watching the Baltimore Ravens-San Diego Chargers NFL football game, and I'm biting my nails. Am I a fan of either team? Good God no!! But in one of my fantasy football leagues (I'm in four; I'm a man's man. More on "man's man" in one of my letters), I'm beating one guy by 12 points but he's got two guys on the Chargers, and I've got one guy on the Ravens. So I'm one of those guys you may come across watching TV once in a while, not screaming for one team to win but rather screaming for one or two players to do well, for other players to do worse, and of course there's the occasional "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DOING SO WELL AND I DIDN'T START HIM!!!!"

Yep. I'm one of those guys. :-)

Anyways, onto the letters. Joyce writes:

They weren't saying "Muslim" clothing in last week's episode, it was "muslin" clothing, a type of finely woven cotton fabric. How the hell could you not know that?

Uh, hi Joyce. My name is "Typical Male." I like sports, I scratch myself, and I eat things out of cans. How the hell am I going to know what muslin clothing is? Next, you're gonna ask me for knitting tips and pattern ideas.

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I thought the two of you looked so cute and happy in the wedding video.

And I also enjoyed Ms. Longoria. Clothes out of paper is whack though.

Thanks ASM!! And yeah, paper clothing is nuts. Although I did have this thought: Paper negligee. Now that has possibilities. :-)

And finally, Elizabeth writes:

LOL-i am SO GLAD i found your little dent in the project runway/blogosphere universe. even though you scream "man's man" to me (and true confession, i myself rather tend to like girly men) you are hysterically on point and exceptionally humorous in your candid observations. bravo, sir, bravo.

Thank you, Elizabeth!! And please don't hold my "man's man" status against me. Girly men know muslin clothing and when paper clothing was popular and why certain guys thinks it's OK to wear pink shirts. If I was a girly man, the blog wouldn't have the same pop, you know?

See ya Thursday!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Episode 5: Ignoring The Hotness, Paper Clothing, And Origami Exposed: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Tonight is the first time this season that I'll be watching Project Runway with my wife Ramona. Out of respect for Mrs. Nevdogg, I will refrain from making comments about the hotness of certain females this evening.

Because after all, my wife deserves the utmost respect.

Ramona: "That, and you don't want to be sleeping on the futon every night for the remainder of our marriage."

That too. :-)

By the way, here's a link to me and the wifey's grand entrance at our wedding.

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. When you saw Carol leaning over the table, don't tell me you didn't have any "Is she going to take a hit of cocaine?" thoughts floating through your head.

10:02 p.m. Ramona is excited because she thinks Irina and Althea are heading for a cat fight. Personally, I'm not into seeing two young girls fight each other. Disgusting. Not sexy at all.

10:03 p.m. Heidi: "The answers will all be in black and white." Everything pretends to be shocked.

I yawn.

10:04 p.m. The L.A. Times? What the...

10:04 p.m. BOOTH MOORE!!!!

No clue who that is.

10:04 p.m. Funny coincidence: I have a friend named Starr Moore, and her nickname is Boots. Boots Moore. Booth Moore. Strange, huh?

I know you don't care. You know what? I don't care.

10:05 p.m. Create a design using newspaper fabric.

And people wonder why this show is on the verge of cancellation.

10:06 p.m. Ramona, who is a sports columnist for the L.A. Daily News, is thrilled at how a newspaper "is featured so prominently on a hit TV show" and hopes this will be that someone will "buy a newspaper again."

I don't have the heart to tell her "not bloody likely."

10:07 p.m. When the hell was paper clothing ever popular, Tim? The Depression? Seriously.

10:07 p.m. According to my good friend the Internet, paper clothing was popular in the 1960s.

As was acid.

10:08 p.m. Chris rambles. I tune out.

10:08 p.m. Can someone please tell Althea to wear a more conservative top? Kids may be watching, for God's sake.

10:08 p.m. Nicolas thinks he's going home tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

10:09 p.m. Irina came up with the outside-the-box notion that just because she's using newspaper doesn't mean it has to look like newspaper.

God, girls who act dumb look ugly to me.

10:09 p.m. Shirin's nose looks funky. How the hell could I ever think she was hot? Right, my beautiful wife? :-)

10:10 p.m. Shirin talks about groping her mannequin.

Ramona: "I bet you were turned on by that last statement huh, Nev?"

You know what? I'm trying. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Jesus.

10:15 p.m. Ra'Mon talks about cubism and origami. And if you can picture that in your mind, you need a life.

10:16 p.m. Althea's boobs look a bit lopsided. So unsexy.

10:17 p.m. Tim talks to Irina about 1968 and Muslims.

Ramona: "I have no clue what that meant."

You and me both.

10:17 p.m. Tim trashes Johnny's dress and, as a nail in the coffin, when Johnny goes to chuck his dress in the trash, he misses the shot!!

As a man, that hurts. Believe me.

10:19 p.m. Are we not going to Mood today? :-(

10:19 p.m. Johnny also mentions origami. Is that the word of the day?

10:19 p.m. Origami is Japanese paper folding, according to my good friends at Wikipedia.

Well then: Why can't you just call it paper folding? If it were me, I would say "I'm folding paper." I'm not gonna use some fancy word to make it seem like my piece-of-crap dress isn't a piece of crap. It isn't gonna work. It's newspaper!! Giving it a fancy name and/or adding accent marks doesn't change that.

10:19 p.m. Nicolas' younger picture looks like he's a kid who makes bombs.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:20 p.m. The models come in. I really hope we don't see any of them in their undergarments. That wouldn't be tasteful.

10:20 p.m. Just as I write that, we see one of the model's bare backs. Figures.

10:21 p.m. Has Johnny gained weight? Is he stress eating? Is he coping because of the meth?

10:22 p.m. Ramona: "Wait, so everyone wants Johnny off because of his lack of passion? If anything, you should want him on the show because he'll always be in the bottom three!!"

We just watched Survivor. Where you always want to keep weak players.

10:28 p.m. I have seen four ads for the movie "Fame". Now I can't get "I'm gonna learn how to fly" out of my head.

10:29 p.m. Johnny is wearing a pink shirt. And doesn't give a damn.

Good for you!! Be strong in who you are!!

(P.S. You're never getting laid).

10:30 p.m. Please use the Macy's accessory wall, everybody. I mean, for God's sake...

10:31 p.m. Me to Ramona: "Doesn't Gordana look like a Helga?"

Ramona: "I feel like all Eastern European women do."


10:32 p.m. I'm gonna learn how to fly!! FAME!!!

Damn it.

10:33 p.m. Ramona thinks Johnny is going home, but is worried that if he does, he'll turn to crack afterward.

With that pink shirt of his, we may be too late.

10:35 p.m. Fame is in theaters Sept. 25.

10:36 p.m. Watching a tampon commercial. What's the deal with wings?

10:36 p.m. Decided to go on a "tampons with wings" blog.

Blog Commenter 1: "WTF. How do these function. Do they make your vag fly? Apparently they make you feel confident I gotta get me some."

Blog Commenter 2: "I know!!! What the f****?! They look like a bloody umbrella (scuse the pun!)... I honestly don't understand how this is needed? Ladies! Help me out here!!! I mean maybe if you'd popped 11 kids out of your Mickey..."


10:39 p.m. Guest judges: Tommy Hilfiger and EVA LONGORIA PARKER!!!!!

Who I find ugly.

10:41 p.m. Johnny hates what Johnny did. Johnny's mad and Johnny's sad.

10:41 p.m. Has Shirin ever heard of the concept of, you know, using colors?

10:42 p.m. I mention to Ramona that I don't like Louise and she starts yelling at me to stop hating on Louise and that the only reason I'm doing so is because she's not hot.

I can't win.

10:42 p.m. Ramona: "You know what? It's OK that there are cute girls on the show. I already got the ring."

Well that's just great. Give me permission 42 minutes in.

10:44 p.m. Eva always accentuates her bum.

Eva: "That's my ass-et."

Some statements speak for themselves.

10:45 p.m. Tommy compares Irina to a bunch of different designers that I've never heard of. Tommy Boy, stop speaking above the viewing public!!

10:47 p.m. Dude, Nicolas is a jerk. If I were Johnny and Nicolas threw me under the bus, I'd choke him out with my pink shirt.

10:47 p.m. What's with Chris' brown jacket? It looks like something out of a second-hand store. It's like what the guys on King of the Hill wear when they dress up.

10:50 p.m. Tommy has big cheeks.

10:52 p.m. FAME!!!!

Sorry. Once it's in your head...

10:56 p.m. Althea's in.

And wear more clothes, woman!!

10:56 p.m. Irina wins.

Ramona: "That means that two of the three hot girls won, right?"

I don't answer. I know when I see a trap.

10:57 p.m. Brown jacket boy and Helga are in. Bottom two: Nicolas and Johnny.

10:58 p.m. Nicolas is in.

10:58 p.m. Ramona: "And Johnny goes back to smoking crack."

It's meth, but you get the point.

10:59 p.m. Tim says that Johnny was "spewing" on the runway. Don't spew on Tim. He has major influence. Johnny will have to wear pink shirts for life now.

11:00 p.m. Ramona: "Nev, do you really think having pretty girls on the show will help ratings? I mean, it doesn't really cater to its target audience. The only people who watch this show are gay guys and women."

I gotta admit: The wife has a point. :-)

Final thoughts:

I really hope that Johnny doesn't have a drug relapse, but if he does, here's hoping the first thing he does in his drug-induced haze is to throw that pink shirt in the fireplace. Speaking of fireplaces, that's where Nicolas should go. I swear, I hate that bomb-boy-who-never-had-any-friends-and-spent-his-formative-years-holed-up-in-his-room-and-or-basement loser. He's a punk, he's bitter, and I want to shave his head so he'll scream like a little girl.

It's always fun watching this show with the wife, because as the show goes on, she keeps making statements with the sole purpose of trying to get me to mention it in the blog.

It's cute.


Until next time.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Refusing To Accept A Woman's Hotness, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, And Lack Of Love For Tim: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

Today was the first day of the NFL season, and let me tell you: I was happier than a hog in slop. There's nothing like watching a bunch of guys on a field trying to kill each other, while you and your buddies root them on to kill each other while eating fried foods and having multiple TVs and computers (which are keeping track of other games) going on simultaneously.

I tell you, it's American tradition at its finest. :-)

So after a few-week delay, here's the weekly mailbag.

Tiffany writes:

Note to self: Never trust Nev's judgment. Althea looks like a goblin and the other girl (Shirin) has a bad nose job.

I have a theory about women: When a woman makes comments about a woman's lack of hotness, she actually feels that the woman she's putting down is hot and is just lashing out because she's mad that the woman she's putting down is hot and men know it.

It's a defense mechanism, I think.

John writes:

I'm telling you: You need to start blogging about The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

John has actually written this to me more than once. John, no. I'm sorry, but I have no desire to blog about a show dealing with a bunch of spoiled women who pretend they have real problems when in fact their only problem is that they have way more money than they know what to do with and need to create drama in their lives to pretend they have a purpose.

And also: Why Atlanta? The Real Housewives of Orange County? Fine. New York? Makes sense. But Atlanta? All that city has are peaches and a few pro sports franchises. How does this city scream "spoiled housewives?"

And finally, Namratha writes:

Aww I missed you the past few weeks, even though you hate me :)

I completely agree on the Mood front. I sometimes say "You're Welcome" for them, because it's just rude to leave poor Tim hanging, ya know?

Aww. Namratha, I missed you too. :-) Let's put the feuding behind us, at least for this week. And yes, Tim really needs to start getting a few "you're welcome"s for all the love and publicity he gives Mood. I just don't think they're appreciating all he does for him.

Until Thursday!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Episode 4: Michael Mancini, Hotness Rankings And Sexy Backs: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So let's talk about a show I actually like for a minute. Earlier tonight, I finally got around to watching the series premiere of the new Melrose Place (I was a fan of the show during its first few seasons back in the 90s). Admittedly, the first 20 minutes freakin' bored me, especially when you find out that (spoiler alert) Sydney -- one of the hotties from the original series -- was murdered and lying dead in the pool.

It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.

(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).

Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...

MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!

And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.

How could you not love this man?

So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.

Thank you, Michael.

You never let me down.

And with that, on with Project Runway:

10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?

10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."

Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.

10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."

Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.

10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.

Who the hell loves their back?

10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?

10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."

And the mind begins to wander.

10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?

10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?

No pun intended.

10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?

10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!


10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"

Does it involve denim?

10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.

10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.

10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.


But he needs to start earning it.

10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"

10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.


10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?


I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.

10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:

If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.

10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.

10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.

10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

(claps happily)

10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.

10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.

10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?

10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.

10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.

10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.


10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.

10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?

10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.

10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.

10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.

10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.

The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!

10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.

No, that's not a good thing.

10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."

Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.

10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.

10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.


But dude: You better start showing me something.

10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.

10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.

10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.

10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.

Final thoughts:

Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.

Until next time.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Episode 3: No More Qristal Fat Jokes, Epperson's Learning Tree, And The Meaning Of Avant Garde: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My wife Ramona says I have to cool it with the fat jokes about Qristal.

"It isn't nice," she said.

This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.

Married life.

It officially begins.

And with that, episode 3:

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.

Or perhaps both.

10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.

10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.

10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.

10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.

10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.

10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.

10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.

Penis malfunction.

10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.

Remember the name:


10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.

10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.

And all of his dreams have come true.

10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.

10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.

If that don't get your little friend workin'...

10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.

Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.

10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.

(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)

10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."

Designers: "Thank you."

Like a shepherd herding sheep.

10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.

I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.

10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.

10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.

I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.


10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."

I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.

10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.

Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"

Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.

Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.


10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!

Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"


10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."

I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.


10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.

10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.

Just sayin'.

10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."

Yep, that about sums up their relationship.

10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.


10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.

Just pointing that out.

10:32 p.m. All together now:

Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

Where would we be without it?

10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:


10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."

Epperson nods.

He gets it.


10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.

10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.

10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.

Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?

10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?

10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.

10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.

10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."


10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.

10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:

"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."

Isn't she cute when she speaks?

10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.

10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"

Rachel: "That one."

And then Rachel points.

So cute.

10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.

Are they married?

10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."

See? I'm locked in.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:

"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."

Complete with subtitles.

10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:

The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.

All white straight guys love Asian women.

It's just our thing.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.

10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.

That's because he's...


10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!

10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.

10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!


10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!

10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.

Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."

He shouldn't. Because he sucks.

Final thoughts:

Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?

OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Episode 2: Wrapping Yourself Up In A Curtain, Pregnant Designs, And The Truth Underneath Models' Bras: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So I've returned from my honeymoon and we now have the task of sifting through wedding gifts that we have no room for. Never mind the fact that I pleaded with my wife, Ramona, ahead of time that we shouldn't register for too much stuff because we live in a one-bedroom apartment. Like all males during the wedding process, my words fell on death ears. Besides:

"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.

For some reason, I have my doubts.

OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:

10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.

10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:

Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?

But that's just me.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.

10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.

10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.

Need more be said?

10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?

10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.

10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.

Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."

I'm stunned.

10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.

Don't you think?

10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.

10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.

10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?

10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.

That's helpful.

10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.

Remember the name:


10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".

That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.

10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?

10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?

10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."

10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.

Don't you just love her for her mind?

10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.

10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.

Way to reach there, curtain boy.

10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.

10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.

A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.

10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.

10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?

10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.

I don't know what she's making.

And I don't care.

10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:

How could any guy get it up for Louise?


10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.


10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?

A gold tooth.

Now I'm cookin'.

10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?

10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?

10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?

10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.

10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.

10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.

Bye Malvin.


(pumps fist in air)

10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:

These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.

Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.

Just thought I'd share.

10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.

Even Pepsi is not that brazen.

10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.

It's because she's fat.

10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?

10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.

10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!

10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?

10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.

Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?

10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.

She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.

10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."

It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.

10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!

10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"


10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!

10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."

Yeah. That was it.

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."

OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.

Final thoughts:

OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.

At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.

Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.