Monday, September 7, 2009

Episode 3: No More Qristal Fat Jokes, Epperson's Learning Tree, And The Meaning Of Avant Garde: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My wife Ramona says I have to cool it with the fat jokes about Qristal.

"It isn't nice," she said.

This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.

Married life.

It officially begins.

And with that, episode 3:

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.

Or perhaps both.

10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.

10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.

10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.

10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.

10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.

10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.

10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.

Penis malfunction.

10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.

Remember the name:


10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.

10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.

And all of his dreams have come true.

10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.

10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.

If that don't get your little friend workin'...

10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.

Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.

10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.

(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)

10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."

Designers: "Thank you."

Like a shepherd herding sheep.

10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.

I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.

10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.

10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.

I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.


10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."

I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.

10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.

Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"

Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.

Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.


10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!

Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"


10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."

I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.


10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.

10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.

Just sayin'.

10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."

Yep, that about sums up their relationship.

10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.


10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.

Just pointing that out.

10:32 p.m. All together now:

Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

Where would we be without it?

10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:


10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."

Epperson nods.

He gets it.


10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.

10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.

10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.

Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?

10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?

10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.

10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.

10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."


10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.

10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:

"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."

Isn't she cute when she speaks?

10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.

10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"

Rachel: "That one."

And then Rachel points.

So cute.

10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.

Are they married?

10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."

See? I'm locked in.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:

"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."

Complete with subtitles.

10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:

The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.

All white straight guys love Asian women.

It's just our thing.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.

10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.

That's because he's...


10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!

10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.

10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!


10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!

10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.

Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."

He shouldn't. Because he sucks.

Final thoughts:

Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?

OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!

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