Thursday, September 10, 2009

Episode 4: Michael Mancini, Hotness Rankings And Sexy Backs: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So let's talk about a show I actually like for a minute. Earlier tonight, I finally got around to watching the series premiere of the new Melrose Place (I was a fan of the show during its first few seasons back in the 90s). Admittedly, the first 20 minutes freakin' bored me, especially when you find out that (spoiler alert) Sydney -- one of the hotties from the original series -- was murdered and lying dead in the pool.

It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.

(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).

Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...

MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!

And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.

How could you not love this man?

So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.

Thank you, Michael.

You never let me down.

And with that, on with Project Runway:

10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?

10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."

Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.

10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."

Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.

10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.

Who the hell loves their back?

10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?

10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."

And the mind begins to wander.

10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?

10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?

No pun intended.

10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?

10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!


10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"

Does it involve denim?

10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.

10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.

10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.


But he needs to start earning it.

10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"

10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.


10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?


I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.

10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:

If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.

10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.

10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.

10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

(claps happily)

10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.

10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.

10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?

10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.

10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.

10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.


10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.

10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?

10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.

10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.

10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.

10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.

The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!

10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.

No, that's not a good thing.

10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."

Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.

10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.

10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.


But dude: You better start showing me something.

10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.

10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.

10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.

10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.

Final thoughts:

Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.

Until next time.


Another Suburban Mom said...

Michael Mancini did sleep with Amanda when she was suffering from cancer.

And I thought Q's dress was better than the fugly prom mess that silver pants made.

And given the choice I would have with both Althea and Shirin. Just saying.

elizabeth said...

LOL-i am SO GLAD i found your little dent in the project runway/blogosphere universe. even though you scream "man's man" to me (and true confession, i myself rather tend to like girly men) you are hyseterically on point and exceptionally humorous in your candid observations. bravo, sir, bravo.

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