Saturday, September 5, 2009

Episode 2: Wrapping Yourself Up In A Curtain, Pregnant Designs, And The Truth Underneath Models' Bras: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So I've returned from my honeymoon and we now have the task of sifting through wedding gifts that we have no room for. Never mind the fact that I pleaded with my wife, Ramona, ahead of time that we shouldn't register for too much stuff because we live in a one-bedroom apartment. Like all males during the wedding process, my words fell on death ears. Besides:

"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.

For some reason, I have my doubts.

OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:

10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.

10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:

Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?

But that's just me.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.

10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.

10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.

Need more be said?

10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?

10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.

10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.

Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."

I'm stunned.

10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.

Don't you think?

10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.

10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.

10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?

10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.

That's helpful.

10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.

Remember the name:


10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".

That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.

10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?

10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?

10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."

10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.

Don't you just love her for her mind?

10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.

10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.

Way to reach there, curtain boy.

10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.

10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.

A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.

10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.

10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?

10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.

I don't know what she's making.

And I don't care.

10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:

How could any guy get it up for Louise?


10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.


10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?

A gold tooth.

Now I'm cookin'.

10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?

10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?

10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?

10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.

10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.

10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.

Bye Malvin.


(pumps fist in air)

10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:

These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.

Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.

Just thought I'd share.

10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.

Even Pepsi is not that brazen.

10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.

It's because she's fat.

10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?

10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.

10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!

10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?

10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.

Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?

10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.

She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.

10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."

It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.

10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!

10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"


10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!

10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."

Yeah. That was it.

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."

OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.

Final thoughts:

OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.

At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.

Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.


Ramona said...

I was pretty surprised about Malvin too. Usually when someone screws up the first two challenges is auf wiedersehen! Why are they keeping this guy around? What do they see in him? And, you're totally right Nev... how could they pass up on the ratings Malvin would've provided?

Another Suburban Mom said...

I was also surprised to see Malvin go. While his look was whack, at least it was well constructed whackness.

And give RR a break, she was 8 months pregnant with ginormous twins at that point.

She looked awesome for being that pregnant.

Namratha said...

Aww I missed this the past few weeks, even though you hate me :P

I completely agree on the Mood front. I sometimes say "You're Welcome" for them, because it's just rude to leave poor Tim hanging, ya know?