Sunday, November 22, 2009

Episode 14: A TV In The Bathroom Mirror, An Ugly Fashion Expert, And Michael Kors' Sunglasses: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My wife Ramona and I just came back from Las Vegas, celebrating her friend Lauren's 30th birthday, and we stayed at the Trump International Hotel. The highlight of the hotel room?

There was a television in the bathroom mirror.

I say again:

A television in the bathroom mirror.

Now that's class.

It's also nonsensical.

But still class.

:-)

And with that, the season finale. Ramona is watching with me:

10:01 p.m. Carol looks strung out and talks about "her head in the toilet."

She's screaming for help.

10:01 p.m. Irina says she feels bad for Carol. In other words, she couldn't care less.

10:02 p.m. I'm really annoyed that I have to listen to Logan talk again.

10:02 p.m. You know what the problem with Gordana is? Her chin sags. I mean, it's just odd.

10:03 p.m. Ramona thinks Carol has swine flu. Perhaps she got it with a tainted needle...

10:04 p.m. Althea is talking about smudge, which is sexy to me for some reason.

10:04 p.m. What's up with Althea's big-ass hat? Did Logan help her dress?

10:05 p.m. Speaking of Althea, she's got her "I'm in college and heading to the library" outfit on.

Complete with big-ass hat.

10:05 p.m. Did Tim dye his hair blond? It's weird.

10:06 p.m. I miss my TV in the bathroom mirror. :-(

10:06 p.m. Ramona: "I like Althea's hat. I feel like she stole it from Logan."

The wife and I: We're in sync. :-)

10:07 p.m. Althea is overwhelmed and Tim gives her the "make it work moment" speech that's sure to make anyone move mountains and part seas.

10:07 p.m. Tim to Carol: "I hear you had a relapse."

See?

10:08 p.m. Is it just me, or do this week's models actually have curves to them?

10:15 p.m. Carol took a hit/has more energy today.

10:16 p.m. Jesus. Irina practically threw Gordana to the floor.

10:17 p.m. I watched ESPN in my bathroom this morning.

10:17 p.m. The alarm goes off at 3:15 a.m. That's when Carol usually stammers home and Althea gets up to milk the cows.

10:18 p.m. Carol's dress looks like prom night in the 1980s.

10:19 p.m. OK, I heard before the show on the radio that Tim "loses it." He raises his voice for, like, 10 seconds. Big deal.

10:19 p.m. Ramona is upset that Tim is upset. I'm staying strong for both of them.

10:24 p.m. What's up with Heidi's business suit? Ick.

10:25 p.m. Michael Kors is wearing shades. Dude...

10:25 p.m. Suzy Menkes...Jesus.

10:25 p.m. Awwww!!!! Althea is so shy. So cute.

10:26 p.m. The models are modeling the clothes. This is where I tune out. Gonna check out some fantasy football scores.

10:27 p.m. Let me say one thing about Althea's African-American model: It's weird to see the woman's outlining of her breasts while she wears a coat. It's just...off.

10:28 p.m. Carol walks out to a standing ovation. Is she getting the druggie sympathy vote or something?

10:28 p.m. OK Michael Kors, those glasses have got to go. You ain't cool. And Top Gun was way back in 1985.

10:30 p.m. All these clothes have ruffles.

10:31 p.m. Irina babbles about New York, women, and going at it. Next time, sweetie, prepare your remarks.

10:32 p.m. What's with all these coats and hoods?

10:33 p.m. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the bathroom while watching TV? I have. Thank you, Donald Trump.

10:33 p.m. Epperson is briefly interviewed and is dressed like a train conductor.

10:38 p.m. What's on Suzy's head? Is that hair?

10:40 p.m. Ramona: "What's on the front of her head?"

:-)

10:43 p.m. Someone wake me when they pick a winner.

10:45 p.m. Suzy talks like she has chocolates in her mouth.

10:47 p.m.. I swear to God, every time Suzy speaks, I think of tea.

10:48 p.m. The judges huddle up. As if they haven't already picked a winner.

10:48 p.m. I crack my knuckles.

10:50 p.m. You know what's strange? I think I would take Michael Kors more seriously if I heard him speak with his sunglasses on.

10:55 p.m. Season 7 of Project Runway begins Jan. 14. But I won't be blogging it.

I know you're crushed.

10:56 p.m. Carol won't win. Down to the two hot girls.

10:57 p.m. Ramona: "Are you checking your fantasy football?"

Damn it. Caught in the act.

10:58 p.m. Irina wins. And now she hugs Althea like they'll be friends forever.

Final thoughts:

I just want to thank everyone who read my blog this season. I got more than 5,000 hits this season, which is pretty good for a blog that started solely on word of mouth. That said, this will indeed be the last season I blog about the show. I'm going to focus on my other projects and, quite frankly, two seasons of this show is all I can stand.

Please continue to check out my main blog: nevdogg.blogspot.com It needs your love and support. :-)

Later everybody!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Season Finale Recap To Be Posted Sunday Night

I'll be in Vegas this weekend. :-)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Episode 13: I Join Twitter, Carol Gets Clean And Then Relapses, And The Althea-Irina Feud Continues: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Yesterday, I became one of the millions who have joined Twitter.

Want to know what brand of paper towels I prefer?

Now you'll know.

Twitter.

Full of my many and varied useless facts about my day-to-day life.

:-)

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. By the way, a friend told me a few days ago that this is a two-part season finale. That's some bull**** right there.

10:02 p.m. The designers are getting $9,000 to make their collections. Is it safe to give Carol that much money?

10:02 p.m. Was Heidi grinding on Tim? Whoa...

10:02 p.m. Althea speaks about the tension with Irina. I have the solution:

Mud wrestling.

10:03 p.m. Wow, Carol actually looks fairly normal!! See what rehab can do?

10:04 p.m. If Tim appeared at my apartment in that suit, I'd feel a little uncomfortable. He'd be the nicest thing in my house, I'll tell you that right now.

10:04 p.m. I'm wearing white-colored socks. Find out more on Twitter.

10:05 p.m. Carol is going to have Tim cook some biscuits!! Diggin' the apron, Tim!!

10:05 p.m. A buck says Tim's biscuits will be color-coordinated.

10:07 p.m. Carol's dad gives the "I'm a proud dad" speech to Tim that never, ever works.

10:08 p.m. OK, Althea can gain 45 pounds and still wouldn't overtake Althea on the hotness poll this week. And all because of that damn dog Princess. I love dogs, but not those dogs. Shoot it.

10:08 p.m. And I'm tired of hearing about Irina and her foreign past. Your family are foreigners and struggled. We get it.

10:10 p.m. Now Tim is gonna meet Irina's parents. Now we're going to hear the whole "we're counting on our parents to make a life for themselves in America" speech.

10:10 p.m. Irina's sister is hot.

10:12 p.m. Irina's mom: "As a mother, I'm a winner too. Because I have daughter like her."

Please shut up.

10:12 p.m. Please tell me Tim did not just say "To the American dream." Can we perpetuate the stereotype any further?

10:12 p.m. I went to the gym today. Read more on Twitter.

10:18 p.m. Althea has been inspired by sci-fi movies.

Ob boy.

10:19 p.m. How did Althea get that tan in Ohio?

It's bloggers like me who ask the important questions.

10:19 p.m. Awwwwww!!! Althea has the hometown boyfriend!!!

He'll be replaced as soon as she moves to New York.

Sorry, pal. Better to hear it from me.

10:22 p.m. Irina finds out from Tim that the birds she wants to use on her clothes are copyrighted and can't be used.

And her world begins to crumble.

I'm holding up OK, if you're curious.

10:24 p.m. Althea and Irina give the "Oh my God, let's pretend we're friends and ignore that we absolutely can't stand each other" kind of hug that only females do.

I'm telling you: Mud wrestling.

10:25 p.m. Here's the difference between men and women: If I was forced to be in a hotel suite with a guy I absolutely couldn't stand and wasn't allowed to toss him out the window, we'd stay in our separate rooms and never, ever speak. We would not be talking on a couch.

10:30 p.m. "I gotta pee." My latest Twitter update.

10:30 p.m. Carol is sick.

Relapse.

10:31 p.m. Althea and Irina tell each other how sorry they are that Carol is sick, but both of them are happy. Men would admit that to each other.

10:32 p.m. Althea is happy that the workroom is blue.

Gotta love Ohio chicks.

10:33 p.m. Carol makes her triumphant return. Check for track marks on her end.

10:34 p.m. Tim is wearing a turtleneck. Time to talk about my turtleneck theory:

Turtlenecks can only be worn by one of two types of men:

Pretty boys.

And:

Gays.

I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

10:35 p.m. Ouch!! Tim described one of Althea's pieces as "borderline Hillary Clinton." Damn, even I felt that one.

10:35 p.m. Irina makes the subtle "Hey Althea, you copied me" reference. Men would just say flat-out, "YOU COPIED ME YOU ******* ASS*****!!!! and then rumble on the ground.

Men are more civilized.

10:39 p.m. I looked up Tim Gunn on Twitter:

"I'm so excited for the next episode of Our Show Project Runway tomorrow. Even though I know what will happen."

Tim, that was just boring.

10:44 p.m. The designers interview the models and the models all look the same: Like sticks.

Women with meat on their bones everywhere are smiling.

:-)

10:45 p.m. Michael Kors and Nina Garcia drop in. It's like your boss coming over for dinner. It's supposed to be light and friendly, but it's so not.

10:46 p.m. I wonder if Althea is finding those blue walls calming.

10:47 p.m. Can I just tell you how mad I am that I have to watch this crap for one more week? Jesus.

10:47 p.m. Just got a text message from my friend, cousin-in-law and podcast partner Mike:

"Just joined Twitter. Mfeldman."

You can't make this stuff up.

10:49 p.m. Heidi drops by and is wearing Maudi Gras beads.

10:53 p.m. Tim and Heidi have one final surprise:

Heidi: "You have one more look to create."

I was really pinning my hopes on "mud wrestling tournament." This is why the show's ratings are down.

10:54 p.m. Logan, Chris and Gordana are here to help. Great, got to deal with these yahoos for another episode.

10:54 p.m. Althea picks Logan, Irina picks Gordana and Carol is stuck with Chris.

Can you feel the worry of Althea's boyfriend back in Ohio? I do. Poor guy.

10:55 p.m. Gordana: "We all need that postivinpoot."

Ever here of Rosetta Stone?

10:56 p.m. The designers go to the New York Mood. Difference? None.

10:57 p.m. I now have four followers on Twitter!!

10:59 p.m. Carol's sick again.

Withdrawals.

Final thoughts:

One more episode and this crap is over. :-)

A couple of things:

1) My season finale recap won't be posted until Nov. 22. I will be in Vegas Nov. 20 and 21.

2) This will be the last season of the Project Runway blog. I really appreciate all the support this season, but the show is waning in the ratings and I want to focus on my other projects.

So next week, this is it.

Try to stay strong.

Until next time.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Hug A Jew, Girls Hatin' On Each Other, And Chris Inspired By Algae: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Did you know there's a national "Hug A Jew Day"?

Apparently, last February there was a national movement encouraging Jews -- and I'm guessing maybe even non-Jews as well -- to give other Jews a hug.

So if you have the need to hug a Jew in your life but are afraid to do so, in a few months you'll have an excuse.

I'm a Jew, but if you see me walking down the street in February, don't hug me.

A simple "Hey Nev!!" -- from a safe distance -- will suffice.

:-)

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Althea and Irina are fighting. I told you the hotness poll shakeup would cause waves.

10:01 p.m. Irina looks sad. If you're a Jew, hug her. She'll feel better.

10:02 p.m. I can finally understand what Gordana is saying and she's giving this whole "for my country" speech. I liked it better when she mumbled.

10:03 p.m. Heidi Klum is showing off her shoulders.

Heidi, I'm Jewish. Hug me.

10:03 p.m. OK, explain something to me: Why is Althea wearing heels? She's already insanely tall. Why do you want to be taller? Is she playing hoops later? Ladies, enlighten me.

10:03 p.m. L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa? Is it election time already, Tony?

10:03 p.m. Use the Getty Center to get inspired. I sense a lot of abstract nonsense coming.

10:04 p.m. Sad to say, though I lived in L.A., I've never been to the Getty. I know, I know. It's a sin.

10:06 p.m. If I'm watching these people get a tour of the Getty, does this qualify as me going?

10:06 p.m. Chris is inspired by a fountain. In other words, he's the only one inspired by something that isn't art.

This must be the week he goes.

10:07 p.m. Tim: "Our visit to the Getty was staggering, wasn't it?"

You know what, Tim? It was. It really was.

10:07 p.m. Gordana's mumbling again. And all is right with the world.

10:07 p.m. Althea has gotten rid of that 80s big hair look. She's making a push to be back on top in the hotness poll.

10:10 p.m. Chris: "For someone like me (who sucks)..."

OK, I added the "who sucks." But let's face it: He should've said it.

10:14 p.m. This February, hug a Jew.

10:15 p.m. Althea is feeling "alone." Well Althea, here's something to make you feel better:

You have reclaimed your spot on top of the hotness poll.

Congrats, Althea. Continue to lay off the Fritos.

10:16 p.m. Everyone's getting pissy. They need hugs from a Jew.

10:17 p.m. I have more than one female friend who tell me that they don't have close female friends because they can't really trust other females. And the way that Carol, Irina, Althea and Gordana are bickering at one another, I can see why.

10:17 p.m. Irina's dad is stressed out that she ain't married yet. Well Irina's pappy, with your daughter's bitchy attitude, it ain't happenin' anytime soon.

10:18 p.m. Tim to Carol: "You're going across the boddess?"

OK, that just sounded strange.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Irina and Gordana loves it. It's because they're women and women can't trust other women, according to my women friends.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Althea and Irina smiles.

Damn.

10:20 p.m. Gordana "is a very spiritual person." Which means paintings make her cry.

10:21 p.m. Hey models: This February, find a Jew to hug.

10:21 p.m. Chris: "I'm the odd duck of the group."

Translation: I'm a guy.

10:23 p.m. Althea leans back, accentuating her breasts.

(thumbs up)

10:29 p.m. Chris writes down the following inspiration words:

"It's A Big Day."

(rolls eyes)

10:29 p.m. Now I could've lived the rest of my life without ever seeing Carol curling her eyelashes.

10:29 p.m. Althea and Gordana laugh, pretending they're friends.

10:31 p.m. Gordana: "I believe I definitely hit the challenge on the target."

And that's what they call: Broken English.

10:32 p.m. Chris "has to do what's right for me." After all:

It's A Big Day.

10:37 p.m. Three huge things:

1) Heidi's looking hot.

2) Althea is back to her big-hair thing.

And 3) Two people will be eliminated this week.

Ooooooooooooo.

10:37 p.m. Cindy Crawford is a celebrity judge. Now that's taste.

10:41 p.m. Heidi wants to take several things off Irina's model.

And the mind starts to wander...

10:42 p.m. Do you think Cindy will hug a Jew in February?

10:44 p.m. Chris cries and gives a "no one else but me would see the beauty of rock and algae" speech.

Seriously: Vote this guy off.

10:47 p.m. All the designers talk about why they should move on and who should come with them.

A perfect time to check my e-mail.

10:47 p.m. I've become part of an e-mail string in which two friends of mine are arguing whether a dog peed on my friend's leg last night or simply next to my friend's leg.

10:49 p.m. Now I'm reading about the best way to get ketchup out of a bottle.

10:50 p.m. Hug a Jew in February. It will change your life.

10:54 p.m. Even though I'm Jewish, do you feel offended by my "hug a Jew" references? Let me apologize...with a hug in February.

10:55 p.m. Irina's in. Her dad is no doubt sad since this won't land her a man anytime soon.

10:55 p.m. Chris is out. Thank God.

10:56 p.m. Carol is in. Can she stay clean long enough?

10:57 p.m. Althea is in. Both hotness poll girls are in the final 3!!! That mean's Gordana's gone.

Final thoughts:

Honestly, I could care less who went to the final 3. It's all the same nonsense to me. I'm happy to see both Althea and Irina advance, and thrilled that Chris is finally out so that I don't have to see him cry anymore. But honestly, I have little to say except the following inspirational words:

Althea: Lose the big hair.

Irina: Get a man.

Carol: Get sober.

Chris: Grow a set.

And Gordana, two important words for you:

Wrinkle cream.

Until next time.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:

Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!

Mom: No!!

Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!

Mom: No Pamela!!

Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!

Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?

Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!

You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.

No more.

And with that, the show is starting:

10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."

Right. That's the problem.

10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.

And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.

10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...

I don't know. I must ponder.

10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.

I know. Too easy.

10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.

10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.

This should be interesting for about...never.

10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.

10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....

Damn. I don't know.

10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!

10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.

10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?

10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"

Shampoo.

10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.

Go bold, Chris. Go bold.

10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.

10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."

Like her breasts.

10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.

That will take some time.

10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?

10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.

10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.

10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."

Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.

10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."

Um, brother, that's not a good thing.

10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.

10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.

10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.

10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.

IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!

As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."

10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Really?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: You do?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.

Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.

10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.

10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."

Unreal.

10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.

10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.

10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.

Oh wait...

10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.

And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.

10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.

That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.

That's right. I said it.

10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?

10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.

10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.

If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.

10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.

10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.

10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.

10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.

10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.

10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.

10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."

10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.

10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!

10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.

10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.

Final thoughts:

I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?

As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.

That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.

Until next time.