Did you know there's a national "Hug A Jew Day"?
Apparently, last February there was a national movement encouraging Jews -- and I'm guessing maybe even non-Jews as well -- to give other Jews a hug.
So if you have the need to hug a Jew in your life but are afraid to do so, in a few months you'll have an excuse.
I'm a Jew, but if you see me walking down the street in February, don't hug me.
A simple "Hey Nev!!" -- from a safe distance -- will suffice.
:-)
And with that, on with the show:
10:01 p.m. Althea and Irina are fighting. I told you the hotness poll shakeup would cause waves.
10:01 p.m. Irina looks sad. If you're a Jew, hug her. She'll feel better.
10:02 p.m. I can finally understand what Gordana is saying and she's giving this whole "for my country" speech. I liked it better when she mumbled.
10:03 p.m. Heidi Klum is showing off her shoulders.
Heidi, I'm Jewish. Hug me.
10:03 p.m. OK, explain something to me: Why is Althea wearing heels? She's already insanely tall. Why do you want to be taller? Is she playing hoops later? Ladies, enlighten me.
10:03 p.m. L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa? Is it election time already, Tony?
10:03 p.m. Use the Getty Center to get inspired. I sense a lot of abstract nonsense coming.
10:04 p.m. Sad to say, though I lived in L.A., I've never been to the Getty. I know, I know. It's a sin.
10:06 p.m. If I'm watching these people get a tour of the Getty, does this qualify as me going?
10:06 p.m. Chris is inspired by a fountain. In other words, he's the only one inspired by something that isn't art.
This must be the week he goes.
10:07 p.m. Tim: "Our visit to the Getty was staggering, wasn't it?"
You know what, Tim? It was. It really was.
10:07 p.m. Gordana's mumbling again. And all is right with the world.
10:07 p.m. Althea has gotten rid of that 80s big hair look. She's making a push to be back on top in the hotness poll.
10:10 p.m. Chris: "For someone like me (who sucks)..."
OK, I added the "who sucks." But let's face it: He should've said it.
10:14 p.m. This February, hug a Jew.
10:15 p.m. Althea is feeling "alone." Well Althea, here's something to make you feel better:
You have reclaimed your spot on top of the hotness poll.
Congrats, Althea. Continue to lay off the Fritos.
10:16 p.m. Everyone's getting pissy. They need hugs from a Jew.
10:17 p.m. I have more than one female friend who tell me that they don't have close female friends because they can't really trust other females. And the way that Carol, Irina, Althea and Gordana are bickering at one another, I can see why.
10:17 p.m. Irina's dad is stressed out that she ain't married yet. Well Irina's pappy, with your daughter's bitchy attitude, it ain't happenin' anytime soon.
10:18 p.m. Tim to Carol: "You're going across the boddess?"
OK, that just sounded strange.
10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Irina and Gordana loves it. It's because they're women and women can't trust other women, according to my women friends.
10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Althea and Irina smiles.
Damn.
10:20 p.m. Gordana "is a very spiritual person." Which means paintings make her cry.
10:21 p.m. Hey models: This February, find a Jew to hug.
10:21 p.m. Chris: "I'm the odd duck of the group."
Translation: I'm a guy.
10:23 p.m. Althea leans back, accentuating her breasts.
(thumbs up)
10:29 p.m. Chris writes down the following inspiration words:
"It's A Big Day."
(rolls eyes)
10:29 p.m. Now I could've lived the rest of my life without ever seeing Carol curling her eyelashes.
10:29 p.m. Althea and Gordana laugh, pretending they're friends.
10:31 p.m. Gordana: "I believe I definitely hit the challenge on the target."
And that's what they call: Broken English.
10:32 p.m. Chris "has to do what's right for me." After all:
It's A Big Day.
10:37 p.m. Three huge things:
1) Heidi's looking hot.
2) Althea is back to her big-hair thing.
And 3) Two people will be eliminated this week.
Ooooooooooooo.
10:37 p.m. Cindy Crawford is a celebrity judge. Now that's taste.
10:41 p.m. Heidi wants to take several things off Irina's model.
And the mind starts to wander...
10:42 p.m. Do you think Cindy will hug a Jew in February?
10:44 p.m. Chris cries and gives a "no one else but me would see the beauty of rock and algae" speech.
Seriously: Vote this guy off.
10:47 p.m. All the designers talk about why they should move on and who should come with them.
A perfect time to check my e-mail.
10:47 p.m. I've become part of an e-mail string in which two friends of mine are arguing whether a dog peed on my friend's leg last night or simply next to my friend's leg.
10:49 p.m. Now I'm reading about the best way to get ketchup out of a bottle.
10:50 p.m. Hug a Jew in February. It will change your life.
10:54 p.m. Even though I'm Jewish, do you feel offended by my "hug a Jew" references? Let me apologize...with a hug in February.
10:55 p.m. Irina's in. Her dad is no doubt sad since this won't land her a man anytime soon.
10:55 p.m. Chris is out. Thank God.
10:56 p.m. Carol is in. Can she stay clean long enough?
10:57 p.m. Althea is in. Both hotness poll girls are in the final 3!!! That mean's Gordana's gone.
Final thoughts:
Honestly, I could care less who went to the final 3. It's all the same nonsense to me. I'm happy to see both Althea and Irina advance, and thrilled that Chris is finally out so that I don't have to see him cry anymore. But honestly, I have little to say except the following inspirational words:
Althea: Lose the big hair.
Irina: Get a man.
Carol: Get sober.
Chris: Grow a set.
And Gordana, two important words for you:
Wrinkle cream.
Until next time.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Hug A Jew, Girls Hatin' On Each Other, And Chris Inspired By Algae: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:
Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!
Mom: No!!
Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!
Mom: No Pamela!!
Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!
Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?
Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!
You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.
No more.
And with that, the show is starting:
10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."
Right. That's the problem.
10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.
And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.
10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...
I don't know. I must ponder.
10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.
I know. Too easy.
10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.
10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.
This should be interesting for about...never.
10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.
10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....
Damn. I don't know.
10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!
10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.
10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.
10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?
10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"
Shampoo.
10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.
Go bold, Chris. Go bold.
10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.
10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."
Like her breasts.
10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.
That will take some time.
10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?
10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.
10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.
10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."
Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.
10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."
Um, brother, that's not a good thing.
10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.
10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.
10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.
10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.
IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!
As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."
10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:
Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)
Tim: Really?
Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)
Tim: You do?
Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)
Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.
Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.
10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.
10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."
Unreal.
10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.
10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.
10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.
Oh wait...
10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.
And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.
10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.
That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.
That's right. I said it.
10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?
10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.
10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.
If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.
10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.
10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.
10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.
10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.
10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.
10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.
10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."
10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.
10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!
10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.
10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.
Final thoughts:
I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?
As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.
That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.
Until next time.
Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!
Mom: No!!
Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!
Mom: No Pamela!!
Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!
Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?
Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!
You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.
No more.
And with that, the show is starting:
10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."
Right. That's the problem.
10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.
And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.
10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...
I don't know. I must ponder.
10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.
I know. Too easy.
10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.
10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.
This should be interesting for about...never.
10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.
10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....
Damn. I don't know.
10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!
10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.
10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.
10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?
10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"
Shampoo.
10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.
Go bold, Chris. Go bold.
10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.
10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."
Like her breasts.
10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.
That will take some time.
10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?
10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.
10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.
10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."
Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.
10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."
Um, brother, that's not a good thing.
10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.
10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.
10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.
10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.
IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!
As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."
10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:
Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)
Tim: Really?
Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)
Tim: You do?
Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)
Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.
Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.
10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.
10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."
Unreal.
10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.
10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.
10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.
Oh wait...
10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.
And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.
10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.
That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.
That's right. I said it.
10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?
10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.
10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.
If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.
10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.
10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.
10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.
10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.
10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.
10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.
10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."
10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.
10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!
10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.
10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.
Final thoughts:
I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?
As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.
That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.
Until next time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Episode 10: Charlie Brown Halloween Socks, Chris Cries (Again), And Nicolas' Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
Two days ago, my wife Ramona and I celebrated our two-month anniversary. So I bought her two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.
Because hey: Anyone can get flowers or candy or jewelry. But let's face it: It's been done.
Two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.
It's the way to go. A tip: From me to you.
My apologies again for the delay on this recap. On with the show. Ramona is watching it with me for the first time in a few weeks:
10:01 p.m. Is it just me, or does every episode seem to start with Carol putting on her whore makeup and Gordana mumbling in the background?
10:01 p.m. Nicolas runs in a circle like a crazy person. Sounds about right.
10:02 p.m. Chris is surprised he's still here. He speaks for all of America.
10:03 p.m. The designers are going to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors' store. I wonder if they sell sweatpants.
10:04 p.m. Michael sounds gay. You know what I mean? I love the gay community -- I have gay friends and family members -- but he definitely has the gay male voice.
Gay people know what I'm talking about.
10:05 p.m. Create a look inspired by a famous locale.
Zzzzzzzzzzz.
10:05 p.m. Carol picks Palm Beach. A druggie and party town.
Uh-huh.
10:05 p.m. Althea retains her spot on the hotness poll, with Irina at No. 2.
Shirin is home, no doubt eating bon bons because she no longer has to stay in shape for my hotness meter.
10:06 p.m. Chris picks Santa Fe. God, he even picks boring places.
10:07 p.m. You know what Gordana needs? Subtitles.
10:07 p.m. Gordana buys jewels. At least, I think she's buying jewels. Really woman, learn English.
10:08 p.m. Ramona: "Nicolas is making a white, frilly thing again, like he does every week."
The statement speaks for itself.
10:09 p.m. Althea has fabric in her mouth.
That's hot for some reason.
10:10 p.m. Chris is worried because Michael Kors is judging the challenge and he has to impress Michael, apparently forgetting that Mikey judges every challenge.
10:12 p.m. You know what these designs need? Charlie Brown Halloween socks.
10:15 p.m. Chris gives his obligatory "this is what I have to do to avoid being axed" speech.
10:16 p.m. Althea is basing her design on a Muslim church.
10:16 p.m. Ramona: "By the way, Nev, it's 'muslin', not 'muslim'".
I swear to God: I hadn't even said a word. The wife simply knows me too well.
10:18 p.m. Logan wants to make something that says "Hollywood" and "California" to him.
Way to reach.
10:19 p.m. Irina's outfit is really not Nicolas' thing. Of course it's not: Irina actually uses colors.
10:20 p.m. Gordana isn't ready for her model. Because, you know, she hasn't made anything.
10:21 p.m. Nicolas doesn't want his design to look Grecian goddess. Because if it does...horrors!!
10:22 p.m. You know what would make Nicolas' design less Grecian goddess?
Charlie Brown Halloween socks.
10:24 p.m. Bonding session among the designers. Time to vomit.
10:25 p.m. OK, slight revision to the hotness poll: Althea is still No. 1, but she loses ground this week because she's got that 1980s big blond hair thing going on.
10:27 p.m. Gordana makes bacon. And somehow, that makes sense.
10:27 p.m. Nicolas had a little mental breakdown. Par for the course, I'm guessing.
10:28 p.m. Logan is wearing four rings. He's such a douchebag. I mean...dude.
10:29 p.m. Ramona has suddenly discovered that none of the models have boobs.
10:29 p.m. Ramona: "Nevin, don't put that in there!!"
:-)
10:30 p.m. Did Althea just say "weared it"?
10:31 p.m. Chris gives another "this is my life" speech and looks like he's about to cry. Which he does every freakin' week.
10:37 p.m. You think Seal ever bought Heidi Charlie Brown Halloween socks?
10:38 p.m. Milla Jovovich is the guest judge. She could use a spray tan.
10:39 p.m. The models walk down the runway. Time for some Diet coke.
10:39 p.m. Althea is in. I'm pleased.
10:40 p.m. The judges like Irina. The two remaining hot girls are going to be safe.
Time for a fist pump.
10:40 p.m. Milla thinks Chris' belt has "this 1983 kind of charm to it."
How the hell do you pull 1983 out of thin air? I mean, really?
10:42 p.m. Milla moved her hands around 14 times while talking about Nicolas' crap of a design. I know. I counted.
10:43 p.m. Gordana has an ugly chin.
FYI.
10:45 p.m. I've decided that I would be good as a guest judge on this show. I can talk with my hands, I can make random 1983 belt references, and I sure as hell would be better than Lindsay Lohan. She fell off the wagon, according to Star.
10:46 p.m. Heidi didn't mind Logan's outfit.
Milla: "If this was Project 'I Didn't Mind It', Logan would win."
OK, that was funny.
10:54 p.m. Ramona's wearing the Charlie Brown Halloween socks.
:-)
10:54 p.m. Carol's in. Next week's episode: Carol puts on her whore makeup.
10:54 p.m. Irina wins. Beauty and brains. Or at least sewing ability.
10:55 p.m. Gordana is in, but Heidi says she needs to have more confidence in herself.
That's code for: Learn English.
10:55 p.m. Logan is in.
Ramona: "Because he's cute and the show needs the ratings."
A dirty look is coming her way shortly.
10:56 p.m. Nicolas and Chris are in the bottom two. Chris' tears to follow.
10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Again.
Chris cries.
Again.
10:57 p.m. Nicolas is out. He stands there for 45 seconds like an idiot. Not that that's a stretch.
Final thoughts:
Perhaps if Nicolas had used the Charlie Brown Halloween socks in his design -- which featured bright colors -- he could've scooted by. But instead, he's out and Chris remains the annoying cockroach who simply refuses to die.
Chris.
The annoying cockroach.
Who cries.
Every freakin' episode.
Seriously dude, pretend to be a man.
Until next time.
Because hey: Anyone can get flowers or candy or jewelry. But let's face it: It's been done.
Two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.
It's the way to go. A tip: From me to you.
My apologies again for the delay on this recap. On with the show. Ramona is watching it with me for the first time in a few weeks:
10:01 p.m. Is it just me, or does every episode seem to start with Carol putting on her whore makeup and Gordana mumbling in the background?
10:01 p.m. Nicolas runs in a circle like a crazy person. Sounds about right.
10:02 p.m. Chris is surprised he's still here. He speaks for all of America.
10:03 p.m. The designers are going to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors' store. I wonder if they sell sweatpants.
10:04 p.m. Michael sounds gay. You know what I mean? I love the gay community -- I have gay friends and family members -- but he definitely has the gay male voice.
Gay people know what I'm talking about.
10:05 p.m. Create a look inspired by a famous locale.
Zzzzzzzzzzz.
10:05 p.m. Carol picks Palm Beach. A druggie and party town.
Uh-huh.
10:05 p.m. Althea retains her spot on the hotness poll, with Irina at No. 2.
Shirin is home, no doubt eating bon bons because she no longer has to stay in shape for my hotness meter.
10:06 p.m. Chris picks Santa Fe. God, he even picks boring places.
10:07 p.m. You know what Gordana needs? Subtitles.
10:07 p.m. Gordana buys jewels. At least, I think she's buying jewels. Really woman, learn English.
10:08 p.m. Ramona: "Nicolas is making a white, frilly thing again, like he does every week."
The statement speaks for itself.
10:09 p.m. Althea has fabric in her mouth.
That's hot for some reason.
10:10 p.m. Chris is worried because Michael Kors is judging the challenge and he has to impress Michael, apparently forgetting that Mikey judges every challenge.
10:12 p.m. You know what these designs need? Charlie Brown Halloween socks.
10:15 p.m. Chris gives his obligatory "this is what I have to do to avoid being axed" speech.
10:16 p.m. Althea is basing her design on a Muslim church.
10:16 p.m. Ramona: "By the way, Nev, it's 'muslin', not 'muslim'".
I swear to God: I hadn't even said a word. The wife simply knows me too well.
10:18 p.m. Logan wants to make something that says "Hollywood" and "California" to him.
Way to reach.
10:19 p.m. Irina's outfit is really not Nicolas' thing. Of course it's not: Irina actually uses colors.
10:20 p.m. Gordana isn't ready for her model. Because, you know, she hasn't made anything.
10:21 p.m. Nicolas doesn't want his design to look Grecian goddess. Because if it does...horrors!!
10:22 p.m. You know what would make Nicolas' design less Grecian goddess?
Charlie Brown Halloween socks.
10:24 p.m. Bonding session among the designers. Time to vomit.
10:25 p.m. OK, slight revision to the hotness poll: Althea is still No. 1, but she loses ground this week because she's got that 1980s big blond hair thing going on.
10:27 p.m. Gordana makes bacon. And somehow, that makes sense.
10:27 p.m. Nicolas had a little mental breakdown. Par for the course, I'm guessing.
10:28 p.m. Logan is wearing four rings. He's such a douchebag. I mean...dude.
10:29 p.m. Ramona has suddenly discovered that none of the models have boobs.
10:29 p.m. Ramona: "Nevin, don't put that in there!!"
:-)
10:30 p.m. Did Althea just say "weared it"?
10:31 p.m. Chris gives another "this is my life" speech and looks like he's about to cry. Which he does every freakin' week.
10:37 p.m. You think Seal ever bought Heidi Charlie Brown Halloween socks?
10:38 p.m. Milla Jovovich is the guest judge. She could use a spray tan.
10:39 p.m. The models walk down the runway. Time for some Diet coke.
10:39 p.m. Althea is in. I'm pleased.
10:40 p.m. The judges like Irina. The two remaining hot girls are going to be safe.
Time for a fist pump.
10:40 p.m. Milla thinks Chris' belt has "this 1983 kind of charm to it."
How the hell do you pull 1983 out of thin air? I mean, really?
10:42 p.m. Milla moved her hands around 14 times while talking about Nicolas' crap of a design. I know. I counted.
10:43 p.m. Gordana has an ugly chin.
FYI.
10:45 p.m. I've decided that I would be good as a guest judge on this show. I can talk with my hands, I can make random 1983 belt references, and I sure as hell would be better than Lindsay Lohan. She fell off the wagon, according to Star.
10:46 p.m. Heidi didn't mind Logan's outfit.
Milla: "If this was Project 'I Didn't Mind It', Logan would win."
OK, that was funny.
10:54 p.m. Ramona's wearing the Charlie Brown Halloween socks.
:-)
10:54 p.m. Carol's in. Next week's episode: Carol puts on her whore makeup.
10:54 p.m. Irina wins. Beauty and brains. Or at least sewing ability.
10:55 p.m. Gordana is in, but Heidi says she needs to have more confidence in herself.
That's code for: Learn English.
10:55 p.m. Logan is in.
Ramona: "Because he's cute and the show needs the ratings."
A dirty look is coming her way shortly.
10:56 p.m. Nicolas and Chris are in the bottom two. Chris' tears to follow.
10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Again.
Chris cries.
Again.
10:57 p.m. Nicolas is out. He stands there for 45 seconds like an idiot. Not that that's a stretch.
Final thoughts:
Perhaps if Nicolas had used the Charlie Brown Halloween socks in his design -- which featured bright colors -- he could've scooted by. But instead, he's out and Chris remains the annoying cockroach who simply refuses to die.
Chris.
The annoying cockroach.
Who cries.
Every freakin' episode.
Seriously dude, pretend to be a man.
Until next time.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Episode 10 Recap Postponed Until Saturday
Sorry folks, but the wife is home today after spending a week out of town for work, and I'll be gone all day Friday. So your Project Runway recap will have to wait until Saturday.
Try to deal. :-)
In the meantime, feel free to check out my latest blog at nevdogg.blogspot.com and my latest 10-minute podcast at mikeandnev.blogspot.com
That will lessen the blow.
Try to deal. :-)
In the meantime, feel free to check out my latest blog at nevdogg.blogspot.com and my latest 10-minute podcast at mikeandnev.blogspot.com
That will lessen the blow.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Episode 9: Bob What's His Name, Nicolas Pisses His Pants, And Gordana Mumbles: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
You know what I miss? Styrofoam. Back in the 80s, styrofoam was like beer ads filled with hot, beautiful women: Everywhere. But then these damn environmentalists started going, "Oh styrofoam is bad for the environment because it doesn't biodegrade, and these beer ads are sexist, so we're going to stop all of this and make the world gender-equal and boring."
And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.
Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:
10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.
10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?
10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.
????
10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"
Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"
Jesus.
10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.
10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.
10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.
10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.
10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.
10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.
10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.
10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.
10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.
10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.
10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.
10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.
10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.
The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.
10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.
10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.
10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.
10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.
10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"
Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.
10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.
Her priorities are way out of whack.
10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?
10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.
10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.
I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?
That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.
10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."
She must be referring to her English skills.
10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?
10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.
10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.
Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.
10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the same...um, circles.
10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.
Can we say double standard?
10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."
Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.
Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?
Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.
10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.
10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.
10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.
10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.
10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.
10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!
Final thoughts:
OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.
Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.
Until next time.
And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.
Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:
10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.
10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?
10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.
????
10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"
Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"
Jesus.
10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.
10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.
10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.
10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.
10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.
10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.
10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.
10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.
10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.
10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.
10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.
10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.
10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.
The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.
10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.
10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.
10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.
10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.
10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"
Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.
10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.
Her priorities are way out of whack.
10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?
10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.
10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.
I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?
That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.
10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."
She must be referring to her English skills.
10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?
10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.
10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.
Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.
10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the same...um, circles.
10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.
Can we say double standard?
10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."
Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.
Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?
Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.
10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.
10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.
10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.
10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.
10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.
10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!
Final thoughts:
OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.
Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.
Until next time.
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