Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Readers Speak Among Themselves: The weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

You know what's funny? My readers are developing a kinship with one another. After the last episode, y'all left comments speaking to each other more than me. It's like I'm not even here. I've developed a sort of "gatekeeper" role. :-)


Another Suburban Mom writes:

How awesome would it be to have a challenge be designing for Dolly Parton with Dolly as the judge, and watching the designers scramble to design for boobies on a boobieless model.

Also, I don't care who you are, or how cool and cutting edge you think you are, Dolly Parton makes you smile.

To which Kristi responded:

Suburban Mom - You are a genius. A Dolly Parton Challenge would be fabulous!

Did anyone else have that song lyric "momma said knock you out..i'm goona knock you out" playing in their heads as Kenley ARGUED with LL?

To which Ramona replied:

I agree kristi, I can't wait for next week's episode. Those clips of everyone crying looked sooo juicy. Sounds like kenley's got a persecution complex going on, which is pretty fun when you consider Korto escaped from a civil war in Liberia as a child and got political asylum. Love that irony :)

To which gay.after.a.few said:

Mad props to Ramona for not encouraging your bad jokes.

Y'all should start a club. The "Talk About Nev's Project Run(A)Way Blog" coolness gang.

Make yourselves team jackets.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Episode 11: Designers Designing For Designers, And Refusing To Buckle Under The 'Hate Kenley' Pressure: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

It's been a week since the last episode and I'm still getting comments (both written and verbal) displaying intense hatred for Kenley. Yes, she's strange. Yes, her clothes are Disney/acid trip-ish. Yes, she thinks she walks on water. But damn, it's like y'all are marines and she's Osama. Get some perspective, for crying out loud.

That said, far it be from me not to listen to the people. You all have risen as one voice and declared, "BASH KENLEY!!" As a result, this week there's only thing to do:

Praise Kenley at every opportunity.


For this week's episode, every time I speak about Kenley, I'm going to be full of glowing praise. Her crappy clothes will be declared colorful. Her snide remarks about her fellow designers will be deemed quirky. Her weird-shaped boobs will be looked upon as naturally refreshing.


It gives me something to do.


With that said, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Suede's wearing a hat. It makes him look like one of those weird guys you see at the park, trying to lure small children into his car with sweets.

9:02 p.m. Heidi's in a long skirt.


9:02 p.m. Kenley picks Topacio!!! Hell, this isn't even false praise. Kenley is awesome awesome awesome!! Topacio survives!!


9:03 p.m. Leanne takes Suede's model. And personally, I like that viciousness. Next thing she should do is kick Suede in the nuts. Then steal his hat.

Just throwing out ideas.

9:04 p.m. The designers have to design for each other. Suede designs for Jerell ("Suede's OK with this," says Suede). Kenley's designing for Leanne (Leanne is going to look hotter than ever before because Kenley's designs are awesome!!). Korto for Suede (how will Suede look in neon yellow?). Jerell for Kenley (I sense a psycho hat in Kenley's future). And Leanne for Korto (if Leanne was really vicious, she'd insist that Korto cut her hair).

9:06 p.m. The designers have to design based on a musical genre. Kenley thinks pop is cheesy.

She's so perceptive.

9:07 p.m. Korto's design is country. Leanne's is hip-hop. Just ask them to cure cancer while you're at it.

9:08 p.m. Leanne raps like all white people rap. Badly. Seriously, that was painful. Word.

9:09 p.m. Jerell is going to make Kenley into Kenley Spears. Kenley can totally pull off Kenley Spears. Kenley is so multi-faceted.

9:10 p.m. OK, so the camera just focused on Korto's ass in jeans, and it's hideous. Here's my "girl's ass in jeans" theory: If a girl's ass don't look good in jeans, dump her. Dump her hard, dump her fast, dump her twice if necessary. Why? Because if her ass don't look good in jeans, her ass don't look good out of those jeans.

You feel me?

9:12 p.m. Pants ain't Kenley's thing. It's OK, Kenley. Pants ain't easy. It requires holes for two legs.

9:16 p.m. Jerell: "Can I get a 'Hip Hip Jerell?'"


9:17 p.m. Kenley is worried that Jerell thinks she has a better body than she really does. Kenley shouldn't worry. Her body is smokin'. She's just insecure.

9:17 p.m. Korto, don't bring Jesus into this. Christ, He has enough on his plate without having to worry about your fat ass.

9:19 p.m. Kenley's boobs look so...naturally refreshing.

(Christ, this "Praise Kenley" thing is difficult.)

9:20 p.m. Does Jerell's design need more?

Tim: "Only if it's the right more."

What does that even mean? I hate soliloquies.

9:22 p.m. Tim: "How's Suede?"

Great Tim. Encourage him.

9:22 p.m. Tim needs to leave Kenley alone. If she says hip-hop isn't oversized, then it isn't oversized. Plus, I'm not into Tim's comments about her "sarcasm and facetiousness." He's just threatened because a woman dares to speak her mind.

(How was that? Was I convincing?)

9:28 p.m. Korto: "So Kenley is a hip-hop designer."



Best to say no more.

9:30 p.m. Kenley seriously looks like a different person without makeup. I'm not saying this in a good or bad way. I'm just pointing out that I honestly didn't recognize her sans Loreal.

9:31 p.m. Korto says the words "butt naked." And despite my better judgment, that image tried to force its way into my head.

I got lucky, though. Her ass wouldn't fit into my thoughts.

9:31 p.m. Jerell points out that Korto has junk in the trunk.

Off camera, he ran like hell. Hence the theory.

9:33 p.m. I am racking my brain trying to come up with a clever way to say all the designers look like total idiots in their hair and makeup, but nothing comes to mind. The best thing I can come up with is "circus people."

9:33 p.m. I just read that last part to my fiancee. Her response:


Not even a pity laugh. I didn't think it was that bad.

9:40 p.m. The last few episodes, Heidi has been doing this "not great in the first outfit but totally smokin' in the second outfit" thing. At least she's ending strong.

9:40 p.m. LL Cool J is a guest judge and he's straight. He's officially been named the coolest guest judge of the season.

9:40 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say it (political correctness be damned): Korto looks like a black person trying to pretend she's country. And she's failing. And she knows it.

It's tough trying to be someone you're not. Ask Closet Gay Joe.

9:41 p.m. I gotta say: Kenley is smokin' in Jerell's outfit. To any straight men reading this: Tell me you did not just say "Whoa."

9:41 p.m. Watching Leanne walk down the aisle and trying to act gangsta was like listening to her rap: Painful.


9:41 p.m. I didn't think it was possible for Suede to look scarier than he did. But give Korto credit: She achieved the impossible.

9:41 p.m. Jerell looks like a cross-dresser. And later, a judge will say that Jerell looks like Jerell.


9:45 p.m. I can't remember a word LL Cool J says, and honestly, I'm too lazy to rewind. But you know what? He sounds like he knows what he's talking about. That's a straight man quality, people.

9:46 p.m. Heidi hates Kenley's pants. But pants are hard, people. You need holes for two legs!!

9:48 p.m. LL to Korto: "If I saw you on an elevator and I didn't see your boots, I'm not sure if I would know that that's a country outfit."

Now that, people, is feedback for short-attention spans like me: Simple, straight and to the point. LL is awesome. He once played a football star high on cocaine, you know.

9:56 p.m. Korto wins by making Suede look like a psycho. That's like winning at blackjack by being dealt a blackjack. It requires no thought.

9:57 p.m. Kenley survives. As well she should. She has more promise as a designer.

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede's leaving."

Nev: "Nev's happy."

9:59 p.m. Suede has ended his tenure by saying "Suede" five times. Can we seriously get security to lead him off the set?

And kick him in the nuts? And steal his hat?

Final thoughts:

OK, enough with the false Kenley praise. I'm stunned she's still alive. She can't make pants? How hard are pants? They're pants!! It's like making omelettes and not knowing how to add cheese. Jesus, she's a moron. Plus, she's giving Tim attitude? Why don't I just pour milk over my boss' head and say, "Stop telling me how to do my job. And then give me a promotion."

Pouring milk might be smarter.

As for Suede: If Kenley doesn't go, then he's the obvious choice. That third-person nonsense was getting really old (it was hardly worth writing about toward the end) and...he's just weird. He's like one of those guys who sit in the middle of the living room floor naked and eating brownies. You have no idea what's going on inside his head, and it's scary.

Great, now I have Suede eating brownies naked stuck in my head. That combined with Korto's "butt naked" comment would kill lesser men.

Until next time.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Kenley Haters Everywhere: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

OK, first the shameless plugs. Go to to read about how a hopeless romantic (me) proposes marriage to his longtime girlfriend. Check it out. You'll learn something. :-)

Also, I do a weekly podcast called "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," which can be found at Now you don't just get to read about what I have to say on stupid topics. You can hear me too. (!)

A lot of you HATED Kenley after the last episode. Maybe it was jealousy over the fact that her "before" picture wasn't half bad, I don't know. I rip on her, as we all know, but readers showed a downright loathing for "Bitch of Daniel."

Another Suburban Mom writes:

I hate Kenley. I just want to gag her with some leftover fabric, rip that stupid flower out of her hair and shove it up her butt. I wish she would leave my tv.

Geez ASM, tell us how you really feel. If you come across Kenley in a dark alley, I will fear for her life. LOL

Kristi writes:

I used to love Kenley, but the last few episodes have made me want to stick something sharp in her eye!

I advise a knife. Simple, sharp, effective, cheap. And it likely won't break on impact.

Stephanie writes:

Dude, words cannot describe my loathing for Kenley at this point. I can't believe none of the judges confronted her about giggling on the runway when someone else's work was being critiqued. What, is she twelve? She can't control herself? How rude.

In Kenley's defense, I was downright in hysterics when I saw some of the crap that was walking down the runway. Sometimes, it's just too hard to keep a straight face. Especially seeing Joe's fat model.

And speaking of Joe's fat model, Steph also added:

Joe's poor model was not fat, he just dressed her in exceptionally unflattering clothing.

I agree about the clothes. Joe needed to find something better for fat model Laura to wear. Perhaps a tarp?

And finally, on a completely different note, gay.after.a.few writes:

Do you know how many bacteria live in jacuzzi's? You're probably like a hetero-petri dish at this point.

In my defense, it was to win a bet.

I won $5.

And respect.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Episode 10: Ugly Mothers, Their Not-So-Hot Daughters And More Closet Gay Jokes Than Usual: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I'm guessing I'm in the minority when I say that I was bummed to hear Jennifer Lopez would not be the celebrity judge on the season finale of Project Runway. She'd of been a hell of a lot hotter than the other female celebrity judges we've seen this season.

Plus, I loved her in "Selena."

It's my guilty pleasure.

With that said, Episode 10:

9:01 p.m. Suede's got the "I'm an artist and don't care what you think" shades going on. Not workin' for me, Whackadoodle.

9:01 p.m. Good Lord, can Heidi's dress get any shorter?

Please say yes.

9:02 p.m. OK, this is something called the "Mom Challenge." But they're not designing for them. They're designing for (wait for it) their daughters.

OH. MY. GOD!!!

(yes, I'm being sarcastic)

9:03 p.m. Mom Nancy looks like something out of Nightmare on Elm Street.

9:04 p.m. You know what sucks? These daughters are young 20-something women and most of them aren't cute. It's like...a waste.

9:05 p.m. Joe makes a good point: If the mom likes something, the daughter will hate it.

A straight guy wouldn't be that perceptive.

Just sayin'.

9:06 p.m. Freddy Kruger Nancy likes trendy. I bet she's thinking stripes.

9:07 p.m. OK, Leanne's "model" Holly is kind of cute, and she's going to be an elementary school teacher. That makes her hotter. Ask any straight guy.

9:08 p.m. Yikes!! Avital's mom ain't much of a looker, either. If Nancy is Freddy Kruger, Mom of Avital is the glove.

9:10 p.m. Suede: "Oh my God! Suede found a poochie-esque print in purple!"

It's good to have goals.

9:11 p.m. Leanne's photo of her when she was younger looks like a mousy girl who hasn't yet found her femininity.

Much like Leanne now.

9:12 p.m. Joe's early photo: Totally gay!! C'mon, people. He's even got the subconscious "putting my finger on my chin" gay pose going on.

9:12 p.m. Kenley's "before" photo isn't half bad. What happened?

9:17 p.m. I'm really not into this whole "let me tell you what my first job was" thing. Do you care that my first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog? Would you like me to mention it every five minutes for the remainder of this blog?

9:18 p.m. Laura (Joe's "model") doesn't like pin stripes. Laura (Joe's "model") is fat. Laura (Joe's "model") thinks she may have to get over it. Laura (Joe's "model") is right.

9:19 p.m. Is Nancy a tranny? I mean, it's OK if she is. Whatever works for you. But Christ...

9:21 p.m. Joe is making a 1980s pocket square business suit.

I have no idea what that is, but it sounds closet gay, doesn't it?

Sorry guys, but with Blayne, Stella and Terri gone, Joe becomes my main whipping boy.

9:22 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

Annoying, isn't it?

9:26 p.m. Did Laura get fatter? I think she made a Big Mac run or two in-between fittings.

9:26 p.m. Avital loves Suede's dress. And why shouldn't she? It's a poochie-esque print in purple.

9:26 p.m. Suede: "Bonus!!"

Do shut up, Suede. And chop off your thumbs.

9:27 p.m. I got no clue who this special guest is, but she's Asian and she's cute (bad teeth aside). All straight guys have a thing for Asian women. Write that down.

9:27 p.m. The winning look is going in Elle magazine.

I don't read Elle.

You're stunned, I know.

9:30 p.m. If Tim said "Nevin, talk to me," I honestly wouldn't know what to say.

9:30 p.m. Kenley says that Tim doesn't understand her as a designer. And really, what man truly understands Kenley?

9:31 p.m. Korto's daughter is already starting to grow Mommy's hair. It's cute, in a scary sort of way.

9:32 p.m. Joe didn't even want to talk to his wife.

Add that to the list.

9:33 p.m. Kenley says Suede is a poser.

Living proof that even the dumb ones say something smart every now and again.

9:33 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.


9:35 p.m. Jerell thinks Suede's design is so 1992.

I liked 1992. Me and my friends wore Cross Colors.

Christ, I'm old.

9:41 p.m. You know what's funny about Laura? She's ugly, but I can name about a dozen straight guys right off the top of my head who would do her as either a "rebound" lay or an "I've been out of practice and want to keep my skills sharp" bang.

9:42 p.m. Jerell's hat sense has hit a new low. Where do you get something like that? Target?

9:42 p.m. I like Suede's poochie-purple thing. Makes me want to say "Bonus!!" and chop off his thumbs.

And I mean that as a compliment.

9:43 p.m. I must be tired. I just now noticed Heidi's one-bare-shoulder look. Forgive me, it's been a long day.

9:44 p.m. Did Kenley try to make a twin?

9:44 p.m. Heidi: "You found a little mini me!!"

Beautiful people like me and Heidi think alike.

9:45 p.m. Laura is gaining weight before my eyes. Is it my TV?

9:45 p.m. You know what's wrong with Joe's design? He's gay, but he's not ready to admit it. So he tried to keep his design conservative to hide his true self.

Plus, his model is fat.

9:46 p.m. Dude, Holly's male students are going to have wet dreams early. Lucky bastards. My female elementary school teachers were no younger than 86.

9:48 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

I also used to sometimes dunk my head in the jacuzzis. When no one was around.

9:56 p.m. Jerell wins. Makers of feather hats rejoice.

9:57 p.m. Joe's out. The run of closet gay jokes is over.

9:57 p.m. One last Joe "closet gay" dig: When he kissed Heidi, he didn't look like he enjoyed it.

The defense rests.

Final thoughts:

Losing Joe is tough, as that's the fourth whipping boy of mine that's fallen in the last three weeks. Still, it's hard to disagree with the decision. His outfit was stupid, his model was fat and everyone else's design was simply better.

I have to think that this competition will come down to Jerell and Korto. You know why? Because they're both secure in themselves. Jerell wears dumb hats during judging and is still around, and Korto has that "I don't give a damn what the hell you think" vibe.

As for the rest: Leanne doesn't think she's pretty, Kenley's surly attitude is overcompensating for her lack of perky boobs, and Suede...has issues.

And finally:

My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

Just in case you forgot.


Until next time.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Mail's Here!! It's The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

First, to maintain good karma, let me start by shamelessly plugging my other blog site,, where this week I write about shopping for an engagement ring (it wasn't fun).

And now, let's get to the letters:

Gay.After.A.Few writes:

9:15 p.m. . . . "If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry." If? (Closet gay. That's all I'm saying.)

OK, this is the latest in a series of recent comments questioning whether I'm a closet gay. Let me be clear: I am not a closet gay. If I was gay, I wouldn't be in the closet about it. I live in Los Angeles, where gayness is flaunted. In fact, as a straight guy, I'm in the minority in some areas around here.

And staying on the "Is Nev a closet gay" line of questioning, my friend Stephanie writes:

Nev, I think your love of Jerry actually solidifies your heterosexuality. Jerry is the wussiest gay whose ever been on the show. He might as well be a woman. An annoying one at that.

And let me add: He obviously spends a ton of time styling his hair. Definitely a wuss.

He's still my favorite, though. He wears normal shirts (usually).

Speaking of Jerry's hair, my beautiful fiancee Ramona writes:

Guys have bad taste in men. Jerry? Seriously? His hair is enough to make me run away. Maybe that weird comb-over thing he's got going on in the front distracted the judges into voting Terri off. She's been one of the two or three top designers this whole season and that should've counted for something. Plus, her dress really wasn't that bad.

Relationships, people, are all about compromise. The compromise here: We agree that Jerry's hair sucks and Terri the crack whore is gone. You give a little, you get a little.

Switching topics, loyal reader Another Suburban Mom talked about Avant Garde:

I don't understand 'Avant Guarde' either, and I am a chick.

Glad that "Avant Garde" confusions crosses both genders.

And finally, Orion writes:

9:55pm Jerell wins:"Oh me oh my!"You forgot the "well who woulda thunk it?"I'm gay and I don't even condone that reaction.

Nor do I, Orion. In fact, he could've balled his eyes out like he does whenever someone gets elimimated, and that would've been a more acceptable reaction than "me-my" and "thunk."

I mean Jesus, Jerell, pretend to be a man. You're not appealing to either straights or gays. And you know what that makes you?


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Episode 9: Learning All About Avant Garde, The Terri-Keith Battle, And Kenley's Ode To Disney On Steroids: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what sucks about writing this blog now? Project Runway is taking time away from shows I actually like. Entourage. 90210. And Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. All three shows are entertaining, feature hot women on a regular basis, and don't have anyone with blue mohawks referring to themselves in the third person.

Three great shows. All of which are sitting in my DVR queue so I can blog about this crap.

For you.

View my sacrifice here.

I hope you appreciate it.

And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Nothing like starting the show by watching Terri dance in her PJs and Blayne and Suede lying in bed. That'll get the creative juices flowin'.

9:02 p.m. Heidi comes out in a hot, sleek black dress, but my fiancee Ramona is watching with me this week.

I'm afraid to say anything more.

9:03 p.m. All the eliminated designers return!! Even Jerry, my Episode 1 favorite!!

9:03 p.m. Daniel winks at Kenley. Feel the sexual tension.

9:04 p.m. Reason # 653,457,391 why I hate this show:

Me: What's avant garde mean?

Ramona: It means cutting edge.

Me: Then why don't they just say cutting edge?

Ramona: Because avant garde is the fashion term. It's trendy.


9:04 p.m. Designing something based on an astrological sign? And I thought making something out of seat belts was dumb.

9:04 p.m. Korto with Kelli (lot of ass in that duo). Kenley with Wesley (scary). Joe with Daniel (closet gay with Kenley's bitch). Leanne with Emily (who's Emily?). Blayne with Stella (what would their kids look like?). Terri with Keith (same question). Jerell with Jennifer (ugly kids). And Suede with JERRY!!! (I still like Jerry. He looks normal).

9:08 p.m. It's so weird watching Stella and Blayne together. It's like watching The Nightmare Before Christmas meet Disney On Ice.

9:08 p.m. Proof that Wesley is gay:

Kenley: "He takes direction really well."

Wesley listens. Definitely not a straight man quality.

9:10 p.m. Suede spoke three consecutive normal sentences. It must be Jerry's influence.

9:10 p.m. Keith to Terri: "Just be gentle with me."

He speaks for all of us.

9:15 p.m. Prediction: Daniel will be Joe's first. I just have a feeling.

9:15 p.m. I like Jerry's definition of avant garde better than Ramona's. If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry.

9:16 p.m. Who's Emily? I swear to you, I don't remember her.

9:17 p.m. Tell me you were also disturbed to hear Blayne say "strapping you down" and Tim say "Do it to it" in the same sequence.

9:17 p.m. Tim hates what Jerell is doing. Yet he's intrigued.

Tim's a complex man.

9:18 p.m. Ramona predicted that Kenley would get knocked out this week and her "good witch of the North" outfit shows that she may be right. Jesus, there are shoulder pads and then there are shoulder pads.

9:19 p.m. I wish Keith and Terri would just slug it out. And you know what? Tim does too. Believe me, we'd both pay to see that brawl.

9:20 p.m. Keith calls Terri a nightmare. As does any man who wakes up to her.

9:21 p.m. Yes!!! Two designers will be eliminated this week. I advocate anything that shortens the season.

9:21 p.m. Suede: "*%$# me."


Hell no.


9:22 p.m. Jerry is wearing an ugly hat and really gay shorts, and I still think he's cool.

9:23 p.m. Every time I see Keith and Terri, I hear the "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" junior high hallway chant in my head.

9:24 p.m. Kenley thinks her design is the only one that looks avant garde. That's a fashion term. I'm so trendy.

9:29 p.m. Former Project Runway designers will pick the winner. Watching the groups interact reminds me of two women who hate each other all through high school but act like they're best friends when they run into each other at the reunion.

9:30 p.m. Heidi and Kenley compare boobs. And you know what? That's hot.

9:31 p.m. Keith says Terri won't even talk to him. Dude, consider yourself lucky.

9:32 p.m. The former PR designer who spoke to Joe about fire and strength is butt ugly. She makes Stella look like Heidi.

9:32 p.m. OK, that's too far. She makes Stella look like Kelli.

9:32 p.m. OK, still too far. She makes Stella look like Kenley.

9:33 p.m. Ramona: Oh my God!! Christian didn't say "fierce."

Me: Who?

Ramona: Christian. The designer they just showed. He won last year. That was his phrase.

Me: Fierce?

Ramona: Fierce. It was his catchphrase.

Me: I see.

Ramona: He said it all the time.

Me: Gotcha.

Ramona: Every five seconds.

Me: Christ, I get it!!


Ramona: I can't believe he didn't say fierce!!

Hate. This. Show.

9:34 p.m. Stella with the hammer. Tim is concerned. Me? I find it rather comforting. Like an old shirt.

9:35 p.m. Kenley's dress gives me the urge to sing "It's A Small World."

9:35 p.m. Tim wakes up Keith. I'd of left him on the couch and let him stammer in halfway through the judging, disheveled and unsure.

9:40 p.m. Heidi goes shoulderless.

The fiancee is near. I will say no more.

9:41 p.m. Kenley's dress. What. The.

9:42 p.m. Topacio looks like something out of "The Lion King" on Broadway. No, that's not a compliment.



9:43 p.m. Leanne thinks her design is so avant garde. That's a fashion term. Feel my trendiness.

9:43 p.m. Ramona: Rewind!! Rewind!!

Me: What?

Ramona: Suede's hair is not spiked!!!

Next week, I'm going back to watching this solo.

9:44 p.m. I have christened the Korto-Kelli duo: "Arms And Ass." I just come up with this stuff, don't ask me how I do it.

9:46 p.m. Keith and Terri are like an angry couple. Without the sex.

In this case, that's a good thing.

9:47 p.m. How can Kenley's model stand?

9:47 p.m. Michael Kors has seen clothes like Kenley's. Michael Kors and I shop in different stores.

9:48 p.m. Good old Jerry. Suede's taking a beating and he's feeling his pain. That's a partner.

9:49 p.m. Have to agree with the judges that Kenley gets defensive. You should've heard her when Daniel told her, "Your boobs just aren't as good as Heidi's."

9:50 p.m. Did Michael Kors just now notice that Suede refers to himself in the third person? Has he been tuning out for the last two months?

9:55 p.m. Jerell wins.

"Oh me oh my!!"

I could've lived without hearing a grown man say that.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in. That will shut her up for five seconds.

9:57 p.m. Blayne's out. He and Stella are baffled. Not that that's hard.

9:57 p.m. TERRI'S OUT!!! YES!!! The moral here: Don't. Do. Drugs.

Final thoughts:

I'm glad Terri's gone. She's ugly.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Until next time.

Ramona: Wait wait!! You didn't say anything about Blayne.

That's right.

Bye Blayne.


Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's Official: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag!!!

Since I've gotten so much positive response from making references to readers' comments, I've decided to make it a weekly thing. Also a weekly thing: The shameless promotion of my other blog!! My longtime girlfriend Ramona is now my fiancee. :-) Go to and read about me trying to figure out her ring size.

And now, let's see what some readers have to say:

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I am bereft over Stella's aufing. She was the most consistently entertaining person on the show, and she remained true to herself in the end and had a classy exit.

Have to agree with you there, ASM. And yes, you have cute boobs. Happy now? My fiancee will be reading this and treating me to an indeterminable period of stony silence.

Texas cutie Kristi writes:

I'm surprised I feel this way, but I'm going to miss her (Stella) too. I agree with suburban mom. I like the way she left. I'm sad there will be no more stories about Ratbones.

Ah, Ratbones. We hardly knew ye. That seriously was my favorite Stella moment, with her banging a hammer a close second.

Switching topics away from Stella, Jessie writes:

Yes, models take off their clothes in front of rooms full of people. They weigh four pounds, what do they care?

I am now, as of this moment, looking for jobs where female models are aplenty.

Commenting on the fact that I've never seen the movie "A Foreign Affair," my good friend Stephanie writes:

Nev, if you're not careful, I'm going to have to make a mandatory movie list for you.

This coming from the NYU film student who has yet to see "The Godfather." Bet you thought I forgot that, huh Steph? :-)

And finally, an anonymous reader writes:

Fuck you, Nev. I'm straight & I read your blog. I'd probably do you after a few drinks, though ...

Thanks, I think you're nice too. Don't forget to tell all your other "I'm straight but I become gay after a few alcoholic concoctions" friends about my blog.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Episode 8: A Fashion Legend I Never Heard Of And A Movie I Never Heard Of. Won't This Be Fun: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My oldest friend's brother's wife (try saying that three times fast) recently presented her animated short film, The Dollhouse, at a film festival in San Francisco. The film, made by Tara Beyhm, is about a girl who becomes obsessed with a dollhouse her rich classmate received as a gift. You can view the 10-minute film here.

What this has to with Project Runway, I don't know. But the way I see it, this is a film about a dollhouse that I'm mentioning on a blog that's read by straight women and gay men.

Straight women.

Gay men.


Surely you can find some parallels.

Did I mention the obsessed girl's dad looks like Closet Gay Joe?


And with that, Episode 8:

9:01 p.m. Korto's hair looks exactly the same whether she first wakes up, is out on the town or (I'm guessing) gets it wet.

9:01 p.m. Can't make fun of Stella for not knowing how many tablespoons of coffee to put into the coffee maker. Christ, I can't even make instant. So we'll just make fun of the fact that she looks like Skeletor when only wearing a bra.

9:01 p.m. Speaking of Stella:

"I almost %$#*$ my pants."

Now that's an image I didn't need.

9:01 p.m. Now come on. You know Terri was doing lines the night before. Jesus, the woman is swaying as she walks. These are warning signs, people. Pretty soon, we're going to see the junkie itch.

9:02 p.m. I'm not huge on Heidi's outfit. No skin showing. Plus, her sparkling top reminds me of Robin Wright-Penn during her disco scenes in the movie "Forrest Gump." I hate disco. It's like the music industry's cruel joke.

9:03 p.m. The designers are going to be designing for a fashion legend. Blayne thinks it's Mary Kate Olsen. I'm thinking no.

9:04 p.m. Blayne: "I want to marry Mary Kate."

Of course.

9:04 p.m. Blayne again: "Who doesn't?"

Straight guys. And butchy lesbians.

9:05 p.m. Did you see the huge grin on Joe's face in the seconds before he meets this "fashion legend"? The dude doesn't smile nearly as brightly when Heidi Klum walks in the room. Yet some of you still insist he's straight. The evidence is right in front of you, people!!

9:05 p.m. OK, this will no doubt shock some of you, but I don't have the first damn clue who Diane von Furstenburg is. Does she make sweat pants for the big and tall?

9:05 p.m. Kenley hasn't cried that much since she finally had enough cleavage to buy a bra.

9:06 p.m. Damn it, everyone's gushing over this woman. I have to do some research.

Me to my better half Ramona:

"Babe, who's Diane von Furstenburg?"


"She's a famous designer."

Glad we cleared that up.

9:06 p.m. Oh Jesus, shoot me now. Design something based on the movie "A Foreign Affair?" Does it stun you to hear that I've never seen the movie? Do films made pre-1960 really count as films? Ponder that.

9:06 p.m. Can't we design something from, like, Rambo? I just wish someone would think of me once in a while.

9:07 p.m. Diane the Legend I never heard of is talking, and everyone is hanging on her every word. She said the word "the" and Jerell is shaking his head yes like he's listening to Dr. King.

9:07 p.m. Joe's heard of Diane.

You know where I'm going with this.

9:07 p.m. Tim: "Diane's our guest judge."


9:08 p.m. Kenley's crying again. She loves Diane the Legend I never heard of's prints. Either that, or Daniel put her in a family way and she's a little emotional.

9:10 p.m. Jerell informs Kenley the crying machine that while she's only making a dress, he's making a dress, a jacket and a skirt.


9:11 p.m. Suede just referred to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:12 p.m. Gotta defend Terri here for probably the first time this season. Blayne and Joe rag on her "one trick pony" show, but the fact is: She's never on the chopping block. Blayne and Joe are just getting defensive. It's what men (in this case, Blayne is close enough) do when they feel threatened by the opposite sex.

9:13 p.m. In the "coming up" scenes, Kenley cries. Can't wait.

9:18 p.m. Jerell describes the plot of "A Foreign Affair." I tune out.

9:20 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:20 p.m. Does watching Leanne talk about her secret desires to be a spy and an animal make you think that in about five years, she's gonna snap and go on a killing spree? Seriously, I got a chill.

9:22 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:23 p.m. Tim to Leanne: "You have thinking to do."

You said a mouthful, brotha.

9:24 p.m. Tim hates Korto's yellow as a bra strap but loves it under the skirt. There's meaning somewhere in there.

9:24 p.m. OK, Stella just totally cracked me up here. According to her, the judges are clueless and it's not necessary to know the details of the movie that Diane the Legend I never heard of is basing her collection on. This is how I would act were I on this show.

9:25 p.m. It's been eight episodes and only know do we have proof that the designers eat. I was wondering why Korto's ass never got smaller.

9:26 p.m. Kenley cries. Moving on.

9:32 p.m. Am I the only one who notices that the models are taking their tops off in front of everybody? Is this a standard industry practice? Should I pretend to be gay and know who Diane the Legend I never heard of is?

9:33 p.m. We see Topacio's belly button.


9:34 p.m. You may disagree, but I happen to love Stella's "my outfit makes my model's boobies pop out" design. It speaks to me.

9:34 p.m. You know how you can tell that Jerell and Blayne are gay? When they high five, they wiggle their fingers. Straight men keep their hands steady during such gestures.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's back to her hot "drool over my body" look. Thank you, Heidi. Way to rebound.

9:40 p.m. Can you not see Diane the Legend I never heard of as a James Bond villain? Just throwing that out there.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's spreading his love of hats to his models. Now that's nice to see.

9:41 p.m. Blayne says that Diane the Legend I never heard of loves his tan. Wouldn't be surprised. She's looking a little withered herself.

9:44 p.m. Joe's design looks bad from the back, says the judges.

Diane the Legend I never heard of: "So don't show your back."

Everyone pretends it's funny.

9:46 p.m. Heidi's not huge on Kenley's efforts, but Diane the Legend I never heard of likes the dress. Heidi looks mad. Not even Seal is allowed to disagree with her in public, my sources inform me.

9:47 pm. Stella's cape is not a 1940s cape, the Legend decrees. We're nitpicking just a smidge, ain't we D?

9:57 p.m. Wow, Diane must be a legend. They let her announce that Leanne won. Lifetime highlights for both.

9:57 p.m. You know what sucks about the bottom two? No matter what, I lose someone I routinely make fun of. Not fair.

9:58 p.m. Stella's out. Back to pimpin' the hoes.

9:58 p.m. Kenley cries. Is there a quota she's supposed to make?

Final thoughts:

What the hell am I supposed to say? I never heard of the legend, I never heard of the movie, and I lost one of my favorite people to ridicule. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to miss Stella. Every week, she gave me at least three or four pieces of material. From her leather fetish for classy dresses. to using a hammer to make her clothes, to Ratbones, you just never knew what she was going to throw at you next.

The show just lost its resident psychopath. Never an easy thing to get over.

Until next time.