Episode 11: Designers Designing For Designers, And Refusing To Buckle Under The 'Hate Kenley' Pressure: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

It's been a week since the last episode and I'm still getting comments (both written and verbal) displaying intense hatred for Kenley. Yes, she's strange. Yes, her clothes are Disney/acid trip-ish. Yes, she thinks she walks on water. But damn, it's like y'all are marines and she's Osama. Get some perspective, for crying out loud.

That said, far it be from me not to listen to the people. You all have risen as one voice and declared, "BASH KENLEY!!" As a result, this week there's only thing to do:

Praise Kenley at every opportunity.

:-)

For this week's episode, every time I speak about Kenley, I'm going to be full of glowing praise. Her crappy clothes will be declared colorful. Her snide remarks about her fellow designers will be deemed quirky. Her weird-shaped boobs will be looked upon as naturally refreshing.

Why?

It gives me something to do.

:-)

With that said, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Suede's wearing a hat. It makes him look like one of those weird guys you see at the park, trying to lure small children into his car with sweets.

9:02 p.m. Heidi's in a long skirt.

:-(

9:02 p.m. Kenley picks Topacio!!! Hell, this isn't even false praise. Kenley is awesome awesome awesome!! Topacio survives!!

Topacio.

9:03 p.m. Leanne takes Suede's model. And personally, I like that viciousness. Next thing she should do is kick Suede in the nuts. Then steal his hat.

Just throwing out ideas.

9:04 p.m. The designers have to design for each other. Suede designs for Jerell ("Suede's OK with this," says Suede). Kenley's designing for Leanne (Leanne is going to look hotter than ever before because Kenley's designs are awesome!!). Korto for Suede (how will Suede look in neon yellow?). Jerell for Kenley (I sense a psycho hat in Kenley's future). And Leanne for Korto (if Leanne was really vicious, she'd insist that Korto cut her hair).

9:06 p.m. The designers have to design based on a musical genre. Kenley thinks pop is cheesy.

She's so perceptive.

9:07 p.m. Korto's design is country. Leanne's is hip-hop. Just ask them to cure cancer while you're at it.

9:08 p.m. Leanne raps like all white people rap. Badly. Seriously, that was painful. Word.

9:09 p.m. Jerell is going to make Kenley into Kenley Spears. Kenley can totally pull off Kenley Spears. Kenley is so multi-faceted.

9:10 p.m. OK, so the camera just focused on Korto's ass in jeans, and it's hideous. Here's my "girl's ass in jeans" theory: If a girl's ass don't look good in jeans, dump her. Dump her hard, dump her fast, dump her twice if necessary. Why? Because if her ass don't look good in jeans, her ass don't look good out of those jeans.

You feel me?

9:12 p.m. Pants ain't Kenley's thing. It's OK, Kenley. Pants ain't easy. It requires holes for two legs.

9:16 p.m. Jerell: "Can I get a 'Hip Hip Jerell?'"

No.

9:17 p.m. Kenley is worried that Jerell thinks she has a better body than she really does. Kenley shouldn't worry. Her body is smokin'. She's just insecure.

9:17 p.m. Korto, don't bring Jesus into this. Christ, He has enough on his plate without having to worry about your fat ass.

9:19 p.m. Kenley's boobs look so...naturally refreshing.

(Christ, this "Praise Kenley" thing is difficult.)

9:20 p.m. Does Jerell's design need more?

Tim: "Only if it's the right more."

What does that even mean? I hate soliloquies.

9:22 p.m. Tim: "How's Suede?"

Great Tim. Encourage him.

9:22 p.m. Tim needs to leave Kenley alone. If she says hip-hop isn't oversized, then it isn't oversized. Plus, I'm not into Tim's comments about her "sarcasm and facetiousness." He's just threatened because a woman dares to speak her mind.

(How was that? Was I convincing?)

9:28 p.m. Korto: "So Kenley is a hip-hop designer."

(pause)

"Yeah."

Best to say no more.

9:30 p.m. Kenley seriously looks like a different person without makeup. I'm not saying this in a good or bad way. I'm just pointing out that I honestly didn't recognize her sans Loreal.

9:31 p.m. Korto says the words "butt naked." And despite my better judgment, that image tried to force its way into my head.

I got lucky, though. Her ass wouldn't fit into my thoughts.

9:31 p.m. Jerell points out that Korto has junk in the trunk.

Off camera, he ran like hell. Hence the theory.

9:33 p.m. I am racking my brain trying to come up with a clever way to say all the designers look like total idiots in their hair and makeup, but nothing comes to mind. The best thing I can come up with is "circus people."

9:33 p.m. I just read that last part to my fiancee. Her response:

"Huh."

Not even a pity laugh. I didn't think it was that bad.

9:40 p.m. The last few episodes, Heidi has been doing this "not great in the first outfit but totally smokin' in the second outfit" thing. At least she's ending strong.

9:40 p.m. LL Cool J is a guest judge and he's straight. He's officially been named the coolest guest judge of the season.

9:40 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say it (political correctness be damned): Korto looks like a black person trying to pretend she's country. And she's failing. And she knows it.

It's tough trying to be someone you're not. Ask Closet Gay Joe.

9:41 p.m. I gotta say: Kenley is smokin' in Jerell's outfit. To any straight men reading this: Tell me you did not just say "Whoa."

9:41 p.m. Watching Leanne walk down the aisle and trying to act gangsta was like listening to her rap: Painful.

Word.

9:41 p.m. I didn't think it was possible for Suede to look scarier than he did. But give Korto credit: She achieved the impossible.

9:41 p.m. Jerell looks like a cross-dresser. And later, a judge will say that Jerell looks like Jerell.

Hmm.

9:45 p.m. I can't remember a word LL Cool J says, and honestly, I'm too lazy to rewind. But you know what? He sounds like he knows what he's talking about. That's a straight man quality, people.

9:46 p.m. Heidi hates Kenley's pants. But pants are hard, people. You need holes for two legs!!

9:48 p.m. LL to Korto: "If I saw you on an elevator and I didn't see your boots, I'm not sure if I would know that that's a country outfit."

Now that, people, is feedback for short-attention spans like me: Simple, straight and to the point. LL is awesome. He once played a football star high on cocaine, you know.

9:56 p.m. Korto wins by making Suede look like a psycho. That's like winning at blackjack by being dealt a blackjack. It requires no thought.

9:57 p.m. Kenley survives. As well she should. She has more promise as a designer.

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede's leaving."

Nev: "Nev's happy."

9:59 p.m. Suede has ended his tenure by saying "Suede" five times. Can we seriously get security to lead him off the set?

And kick him in the nuts? And steal his hat?

Final thoughts:

OK, enough with the false Kenley praise. I'm stunned she's still alive. She can't make pants? How hard are pants? They're pants!! It's like making omelettes and not knowing how to add cheese. Jesus, she's a moron. Plus, she's giving Tim attitude? Why don't I just pour milk over my boss' head and say, "Stop telling me how to do my job. And then give me a promotion."

Pouring milk might be smarter.

As for Suede: If Kenley doesn't go, then he's the obvious choice. That third-person nonsense was getting really old (it was hardly worth writing about toward the end) and...he's just weird. He's like one of those guys who sit in the middle of the living room floor naked and eating brownies. You have no idea what's going on inside his head, and it's scary.

Great, now I have Suede eating brownies naked stuck in my head. That combined with Korto's "butt naked" comment would kill lesser men.

Until next time.