Sunday, November 22, 2009

Episode 14: A TV In The Bathroom Mirror, An Ugly Fashion Expert, And Michael Kors' Sunglasses: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My wife Ramona and I just came back from Las Vegas, celebrating her friend Lauren's 30th birthday, and we stayed at the Trump International Hotel. The highlight of the hotel room?

There was a television in the bathroom mirror.

I say again:

A television in the bathroom mirror.

Now that's class.

It's also nonsensical.

But still class.

:-)

And with that, the season finale. Ramona is watching with me:

10:01 p.m. Carol looks strung out and talks about "her head in the toilet."

She's screaming for help.

10:01 p.m. Irina says she feels bad for Carol. In other words, she couldn't care less.

10:02 p.m. I'm really annoyed that I have to listen to Logan talk again.

10:02 p.m. You know what the problem with Gordana is? Her chin sags. I mean, it's just odd.

10:03 p.m. Ramona thinks Carol has swine flu. Perhaps she got it with a tainted needle...

10:04 p.m. Althea is talking about smudge, which is sexy to me for some reason.

10:04 p.m. What's up with Althea's big-ass hat? Did Logan help her dress?

10:05 p.m. Speaking of Althea, she's got her "I'm in college and heading to the library" outfit on.

Complete with big-ass hat.

10:05 p.m. Did Tim dye his hair blond? It's weird.

10:06 p.m. I miss my TV in the bathroom mirror. :-(

10:06 p.m. Ramona: "I like Althea's hat. I feel like she stole it from Logan."

The wife and I: We're in sync. :-)

10:07 p.m. Althea is overwhelmed and Tim gives her the "make it work moment" speech that's sure to make anyone move mountains and part seas.

10:07 p.m. Tim to Carol: "I hear you had a relapse."

See?

10:08 p.m. Is it just me, or do this week's models actually have curves to them?

10:15 p.m. Carol took a hit/has more energy today.

10:16 p.m. Jesus. Irina practically threw Gordana to the floor.

10:17 p.m. I watched ESPN in my bathroom this morning.

10:17 p.m. The alarm goes off at 3:15 a.m. That's when Carol usually stammers home and Althea gets up to milk the cows.

10:18 p.m. Carol's dress looks like prom night in the 1980s.

10:19 p.m. OK, I heard before the show on the radio that Tim "loses it." He raises his voice for, like, 10 seconds. Big deal.

10:19 p.m. Ramona is upset that Tim is upset. I'm staying strong for both of them.

10:24 p.m. What's up with Heidi's business suit? Ick.

10:25 p.m. Michael Kors is wearing shades. Dude...

10:25 p.m. Suzy Menkes...Jesus.

10:25 p.m. Awwww!!!! Althea is so shy. So cute.

10:26 p.m. The models are modeling the clothes. This is where I tune out. Gonna check out some fantasy football scores.

10:27 p.m. Let me say one thing about Althea's African-American model: It's weird to see the woman's outlining of her breasts while she wears a coat. It's just...off.

10:28 p.m. Carol walks out to a standing ovation. Is she getting the druggie sympathy vote or something?

10:28 p.m. OK Michael Kors, those glasses have got to go. You ain't cool. And Top Gun was way back in 1985.

10:30 p.m. All these clothes have ruffles.

10:31 p.m. Irina babbles about New York, women, and going at it. Next time, sweetie, prepare your remarks.

10:32 p.m. What's with all these coats and hoods?

10:33 p.m. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the bathroom while watching TV? I have. Thank you, Donald Trump.

10:33 p.m. Epperson is briefly interviewed and is dressed like a train conductor.

10:38 p.m. What's on Suzy's head? Is that hair?

10:40 p.m. Ramona: "What's on the front of her head?"

:-)

10:43 p.m. Someone wake me when they pick a winner.

10:45 p.m. Suzy talks like she has chocolates in her mouth.

10:47 p.m.. I swear to God, every time Suzy speaks, I think of tea.

10:48 p.m. The judges huddle up. As if they haven't already picked a winner.

10:48 p.m. I crack my knuckles.

10:50 p.m. You know what's strange? I think I would take Michael Kors more seriously if I heard him speak with his sunglasses on.

10:55 p.m. Season 7 of Project Runway begins Jan. 14. But I won't be blogging it.

I know you're crushed.

10:56 p.m. Carol won't win. Down to the two hot girls.

10:57 p.m. Ramona: "Are you checking your fantasy football?"

Damn it. Caught in the act.

10:58 p.m. Irina wins. And now she hugs Althea like they'll be friends forever.

Final thoughts:

I just want to thank everyone who read my blog this season. I got more than 5,000 hits this season, which is pretty good for a blog that started solely on word of mouth. That said, this will indeed be the last season I blog about the show. I'm going to focus on my other projects and, quite frankly, two seasons of this show is all I can stand.

Please continue to check out my main blog: nevdogg.blogspot.com It needs your love and support. :-)

Later everybody!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Season Finale Recap To Be Posted Sunday Night

I'll be in Vegas this weekend. :-)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Episode 13: I Join Twitter, Carol Gets Clean And Then Relapses, And The Althea-Irina Feud Continues: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Yesterday, I became one of the millions who have joined Twitter.

Want to know what brand of paper towels I prefer?

Now you'll know.

Twitter.

Full of my many and varied useless facts about my day-to-day life.

:-)

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. By the way, a friend told me a few days ago that this is a two-part season finale. That's some bull**** right there.

10:02 p.m. The designers are getting $9,000 to make their collections. Is it safe to give Carol that much money?

10:02 p.m. Was Heidi grinding on Tim? Whoa...

10:02 p.m. Althea speaks about the tension with Irina. I have the solution:

Mud wrestling.

10:03 p.m. Wow, Carol actually looks fairly normal!! See what rehab can do?

10:04 p.m. If Tim appeared at my apartment in that suit, I'd feel a little uncomfortable. He'd be the nicest thing in my house, I'll tell you that right now.

10:04 p.m. I'm wearing white-colored socks. Find out more on Twitter.

10:05 p.m. Carol is going to have Tim cook some biscuits!! Diggin' the apron, Tim!!

10:05 p.m. A buck says Tim's biscuits will be color-coordinated.

10:07 p.m. Carol's dad gives the "I'm a proud dad" speech to Tim that never, ever works.

10:08 p.m. OK, Althea can gain 45 pounds and still wouldn't overtake Althea on the hotness poll this week. And all because of that damn dog Princess. I love dogs, but not those dogs. Shoot it.

10:08 p.m. And I'm tired of hearing about Irina and her foreign past. Your family are foreigners and struggled. We get it.

10:10 p.m. Now Tim is gonna meet Irina's parents. Now we're going to hear the whole "we're counting on our parents to make a life for themselves in America" speech.

10:10 p.m. Irina's sister is hot.

10:12 p.m. Irina's mom: "As a mother, I'm a winner too. Because I have daughter like her."

Please shut up.

10:12 p.m. Please tell me Tim did not just say "To the American dream." Can we perpetuate the stereotype any further?

10:12 p.m. I went to the gym today. Read more on Twitter.

10:18 p.m. Althea has been inspired by sci-fi movies.

Ob boy.

10:19 p.m. How did Althea get that tan in Ohio?

It's bloggers like me who ask the important questions.

10:19 p.m. Awwwwww!!! Althea has the hometown boyfriend!!!

He'll be replaced as soon as she moves to New York.

Sorry, pal. Better to hear it from me.

10:22 p.m. Irina finds out from Tim that the birds she wants to use on her clothes are copyrighted and can't be used.

And her world begins to crumble.

I'm holding up OK, if you're curious.

10:24 p.m. Althea and Irina give the "Oh my God, let's pretend we're friends and ignore that we absolutely can't stand each other" kind of hug that only females do.

I'm telling you: Mud wrestling.

10:25 p.m. Here's the difference between men and women: If I was forced to be in a hotel suite with a guy I absolutely couldn't stand and wasn't allowed to toss him out the window, we'd stay in our separate rooms and never, ever speak. We would not be talking on a couch.

10:30 p.m. "I gotta pee." My latest Twitter update.

10:30 p.m. Carol is sick.

Relapse.

10:31 p.m. Althea and Irina tell each other how sorry they are that Carol is sick, but both of them are happy. Men would admit that to each other.

10:32 p.m. Althea is happy that the workroom is blue.

Gotta love Ohio chicks.

10:33 p.m. Carol makes her triumphant return. Check for track marks on her end.

10:34 p.m. Tim is wearing a turtleneck. Time to talk about my turtleneck theory:

Turtlenecks can only be worn by one of two types of men:

Pretty boys.

And:

Gays.

I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

10:35 p.m. Ouch!! Tim described one of Althea's pieces as "borderline Hillary Clinton." Damn, even I felt that one.

10:35 p.m. Irina makes the subtle "Hey Althea, you copied me" reference. Men would just say flat-out, "YOU COPIED ME YOU ******* ASS*****!!!! and then rumble on the ground.

Men are more civilized.

10:39 p.m. I looked up Tim Gunn on Twitter:

"I'm so excited for the next episode of Our Show Project Runway tomorrow. Even though I know what will happen."

Tim, that was just boring.

10:44 p.m. The designers interview the models and the models all look the same: Like sticks.

Women with meat on their bones everywhere are smiling.

:-)

10:45 p.m. Michael Kors and Nina Garcia drop in. It's like your boss coming over for dinner. It's supposed to be light and friendly, but it's so not.

10:46 p.m. I wonder if Althea is finding those blue walls calming.

10:47 p.m. Can I just tell you how mad I am that I have to watch this crap for one more week? Jesus.

10:47 p.m. Just got a text message from my friend, cousin-in-law and podcast partner Mike:

"Just joined Twitter. Mfeldman."

You can't make this stuff up.

10:49 p.m. Heidi drops by and is wearing Maudi Gras beads.

10:53 p.m. Tim and Heidi have one final surprise:

Heidi: "You have one more look to create."

I was really pinning my hopes on "mud wrestling tournament." This is why the show's ratings are down.

10:54 p.m. Logan, Chris and Gordana are here to help. Great, got to deal with these yahoos for another episode.

10:54 p.m. Althea picks Logan, Irina picks Gordana and Carol is stuck with Chris.

Can you feel the worry of Althea's boyfriend back in Ohio? I do. Poor guy.

10:55 p.m. Gordana: "We all need that postivinpoot."

Ever here of Rosetta Stone?

10:56 p.m. The designers go to the New York Mood. Difference? None.

10:57 p.m. I now have four followers on Twitter!!

10:59 p.m. Carol's sick again.

Withdrawals.

Final thoughts:

One more episode and this crap is over. :-)

A couple of things:

1) My season finale recap won't be posted until Nov. 22. I will be in Vegas Nov. 20 and 21.

2) This will be the last season of the Project Runway blog. I really appreciate all the support this season, but the show is waning in the ratings and I want to focus on my other projects.

So next week, this is it.

Try to stay strong.

Until next time.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Hug A Jew, Girls Hatin' On Each Other, And Chris Inspired By Algae: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Did you know there's a national "Hug A Jew Day"?

Apparently, last February there was a national movement encouraging Jews -- and I'm guessing maybe even non-Jews as well -- to give other Jews a hug.

So if you have the need to hug a Jew in your life but are afraid to do so, in a few months you'll have an excuse.

I'm a Jew, but if you see me walking down the street in February, don't hug me.

A simple "Hey Nev!!" -- from a safe distance -- will suffice.

:-)

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Althea and Irina are fighting. I told you the hotness poll shakeup would cause waves.

10:01 p.m. Irina looks sad. If you're a Jew, hug her. She'll feel better.

10:02 p.m. I can finally understand what Gordana is saying and she's giving this whole "for my country" speech. I liked it better when she mumbled.

10:03 p.m. Heidi Klum is showing off her shoulders.

Heidi, I'm Jewish. Hug me.

10:03 p.m. OK, explain something to me: Why is Althea wearing heels? She's already insanely tall. Why do you want to be taller? Is she playing hoops later? Ladies, enlighten me.

10:03 p.m. L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa? Is it election time already, Tony?

10:03 p.m. Use the Getty Center to get inspired. I sense a lot of abstract nonsense coming.

10:04 p.m. Sad to say, though I lived in L.A., I've never been to the Getty. I know, I know. It's a sin.

10:06 p.m. If I'm watching these people get a tour of the Getty, does this qualify as me going?

10:06 p.m. Chris is inspired by a fountain. In other words, he's the only one inspired by something that isn't art.

This must be the week he goes.

10:07 p.m. Tim: "Our visit to the Getty was staggering, wasn't it?"

You know what, Tim? It was. It really was.

10:07 p.m. Gordana's mumbling again. And all is right with the world.

10:07 p.m. Althea has gotten rid of that 80s big hair look. She's making a push to be back on top in the hotness poll.

10:10 p.m. Chris: "For someone like me (who sucks)..."

OK, I added the "who sucks." But let's face it: He should've said it.

10:14 p.m. This February, hug a Jew.

10:15 p.m. Althea is feeling "alone." Well Althea, here's something to make you feel better:

You have reclaimed your spot on top of the hotness poll.

Congrats, Althea. Continue to lay off the Fritos.

10:16 p.m. Everyone's getting pissy. They need hugs from a Jew.

10:17 p.m. I have more than one female friend who tell me that they don't have close female friends because they can't really trust other females. And the way that Carol, Irina, Althea and Gordana are bickering at one another, I can see why.

10:17 p.m. Irina's dad is stressed out that she ain't married yet. Well Irina's pappy, with your daughter's bitchy attitude, it ain't happenin' anytime soon.

10:18 p.m. Tim to Carol: "You're going across the boddess?"

OK, that just sounded strange.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Irina and Gordana loves it. It's because they're women and women can't trust other women, according to my women friends.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Althea and Irina smiles.

Damn.

10:20 p.m. Gordana "is a very spiritual person." Which means paintings make her cry.

10:21 p.m. Hey models: This February, find a Jew to hug.

10:21 p.m. Chris: "I'm the odd duck of the group."

Translation: I'm a guy.

10:23 p.m. Althea leans back, accentuating her breasts.

(thumbs up)

10:29 p.m. Chris writes down the following inspiration words:

"It's A Big Day."

(rolls eyes)

10:29 p.m. Now I could've lived the rest of my life without ever seeing Carol curling her eyelashes.

10:29 p.m. Althea and Gordana laugh, pretending they're friends.

10:31 p.m. Gordana: "I believe I definitely hit the challenge on the target."

And that's what they call: Broken English.

10:32 p.m. Chris "has to do what's right for me." After all:

It's A Big Day.

10:37 p.m. Three huge things:

1) Heidi's looking hot.

2) Althea is back to her big-hair thing.

And 3) Two people will be eliminated this week.

Ooooooooooooo.

10:37 p.m. Cindy Crawford is a celebrity judge. Now that's taste.

10:41 p.m. Heidi wants to take several things off Irina's model.

And the mind starts to wander...

10:42 p.m. Do you think Cindy will hug a Jew in February?

10:44 p.m. Chris cries and gives a "no one else but me would see the beauty of rock and algae" speech.

Seriously: Vote this guy off.

10:47 p.m. All the designers talk about why they should move on and who should come with them.

A perfect time to check my e-mail.

10:47 p.m. I've become part of an e-mail string in which two friends of mine are arguing whether a dog peed on my friend's leg last night or simply next to my friend's leg.

10:49 p.m. Now I'm reading about the best way to get ketchup out of a bottle.

10:50 p.m. Hug a Jew in February. It will change your life.

10:54 p.m. Even though I'm Jewish, do you feel offended by my "hug a Jew" references? Let me apologize...with a hug in February.

10:55 p.m. Irina's in. Her dad is no doubt sad since this won't land her a man anytime soon.

10:55 p.m. Chris is out. Thank God.

10:56 p.m. Carol is in. Can she stay clean long enough?

10:57 p.m. Althea is in. Both hotness poll girls are in the final 3!!! That mean's Gordana's gone.

Final thoughts:

Honestly, I could care less who went to the final 3. It's all the same nonsense to me. I'm happy to see both Althea and Irina advance, and thrilled that Chris is finally out so that I don't have to see him cry anymore. But honestly, I have little to say except the following inspirational words:

Althea: Lose the big hair.

Irina: Get a man.

Carol: Get sober.

Chris: Grow a set.

And Gordana, two important words for you:

Wrinkle cream.

Until next time.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:

Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!

Mom: No!!

Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!

Mom: No Pamela!!

Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!

Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?

Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!

You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.

No more.

And with that, the show is starting:

10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."

Right. That's the problem.

10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.

And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.

10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...

I don't know. I must ponder.

10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.

I know. Too easy.

10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.

10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.

This should be interesting for about...never.

10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.

10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....

Damn. I don't know.

10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!

10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.

10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?

10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"

Shampoo.

10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.

Go bold, Chris. Go bold.

10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.

10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."

Like her breasts.

10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.

That will take some time.

10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?

10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.

10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.

10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."

Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.

10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."

Um, brother, that's not a good thing.

10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.

10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.

10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.

10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.

IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!

As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."

10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Really?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: You do?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.

Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.

10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.

10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."

Unreal.

10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.

10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.

10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.

Oh wait...

10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.

And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.

10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.

That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.

That's right. I said it.

10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?

10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.

10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.

If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.

10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.

10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.

10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.

10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.

10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.

10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.

10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."

10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.

10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!

10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.

10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.

Final thoughts:

I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?

As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.

That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.

Until next time.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Episode 11 Recap To Be Posted Friday

Because damn it, I need my sleep. :-)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Episode 10: Charlie Brown Halloween Socks, Chris Cries (Again), And Nicolas' Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Two days ago, my wife Ramona and I celebrated our two-month anniversary. So I bought her two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

Because hey: Anyone can get flowers or candy or jewelry. But let's face it: It's been done.

Two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

It's the way to go. A tip: From me to you.

My apologies again for the delay on this recap. On with the show. Ramona is watching it with me for the first time in a few weeks:

10:01 p.m. Is it just me, or does every episode seem to start with Carol putting on her whore makeup and Gordana mumbling in the background?

10:01 p.m. Nicolas runs in a circle like a crazy person. Sounds about right.

10:02 p.m. Chris is surprised he's still here. He speaks for all of America.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors' store. I wonder if they sell sweatpants.

10:04 p.m. Michael sounds gay. You know what I mean? I love the gay community -- I have gay friends and family members -- but he definitely has the gay male voice.

Gay people know what I'm talking about.

10:05 p.m. Create a look inspired by a famous locale.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

10:05 p.m. Carol picks Palm Beach. A druggie and party town.

Uh-huh.

10:05 p.m. Althea retains her spot on the hotness poll, with Irina at No. 2.

Shirin is home, no doubt eating bon bons because she no longer has to stay in shape for my hotness meter.

10:06 p.m. Chris picks Santa Fe. God, he even picks boring places.

10:07 p.m. You know what Gordana needs? Subtitles.

10:07 p.m. Gordana buys jewels. At least, I think she's buying jewels. Really woman, learn English.

10:08 p.m. Ramona: "Nicolas is making a white, frilly thing again, like he does every week."

The statement speaks for itself.

10:09 p.m. Althea has fabric in her mouth.

That's hot for some reason.

10:10 p.m. Chris is worried because Michael Kors is judging the challenge and he has to impress Michael, apparently forgetting that Mikey judges every challenge.

10:12 p.m. You know what these designs need? Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:15 p.m. Chris gives his obligatory "this is what I have to do to avoid being axed" speech.

10:16 p.m. Althea is basing her design on a Muslim church.

10:16 p.m. Ramona: "By the way, Nev, it's 'muslin', not 'muslim'".

I swear to God: I hadn't even said a word. The wife simply knows me too well.

10:18 p.m. Logan wants to make something that says "Hollywood" and "California" to him.

Way to reach.

10:19 p.m. Irina's outfit is really not Nicolas' thing. Of course it's not: Irina actually uses colors.

10:20 p.m. Gordana isn't ready for her model. Because, you know, she hasn't made anything.

10:21 p.m. Nicolas doesn't want his design to look Grecian goddess. Because if it does...horrors!!

10:22 p.m. You know what would make Nicolas' design less Grecian goddess?

Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:24 p.m. Bonding session among the designers. Time to vomit.

10:25 p.m. OK, slight revision to the hotness poll: Althea is still No. 1, but she loses ground this week because she's got that 1980s big blond hair thing going on.

10:27 p.m. Gordana makes bacon. And somehow, that makes sense.

10:27 p.m. Nicolas had a little mental breakdown. Par for the course, I'm guessing.

10:28 p.m. Logan is wearing four rings. He's such a douchebag. I mean...dude.

10:29 p.m. Ramona has suddenly discovered that none of the models have boobs.

10:29 p.m. Ramona: "Nevin, don't put that in there!!"

:-)

10:30 p.m. Did Althea just say "weared it"?

10:31 p.m. Chris gives another "this is my life" speech and looks like he's about to cry. Which he does every freakin' week.

10:37 p.m. You think Seal ever bought Heidi Charlie Brown Halloween socks?

10:38 p.m. Milla Jovovich is the guest judge. She could use a spray tan.

10:39 p.m. The models walk down the runway. Time for some Diet coke.

10:39 p.m. Althea is in. I'm pleased.

10:40 p.m. The judges like Irina. The two remaining hot girls are going to be safe.

Time for a fist pump.

10:40 p.m. Milla thinks Chris' belt has "this 1983 kind of charm to it."

How the hell do you pull 1983 out of thin air? I mean, really?

10:42 p.m. Milla moved her hands around 14 times while talking about Nicolas' crap of a design. I know. I counted.

10:43 p.m. Gordana has an ugly chin.

FYI.

10:45 p.m. I've decided that I would be good as a guest judge on this show. I can talk with my hands, I can make random 1983 belt references, and I sure as hell would be better than Lindsay Lohan. She fell off the wagon, according to Star.

10:46 p.m. Heidi didn't mind Logan's outfit.

Milla: "If this was Project 'I Didn't Mind It', Logan would win."

OK, that was funny.

10:54 p.m. Ramona's wearing the Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

:-)

10:54 p.m. Carol's in. Next week's episode: Carol puts on her whore makeup.

10:54 p.m. Irina wins. Beauty and brains. Or at least sewing ability.

10:55 p.m. Gordana is in, but Heidi says she needs to have more confidence in herself.

That's code for: Learn English.

10:55 p.m. Logan is in.

Ramona: "Because he's cute and the show needs the ratings."

A dirty look is coming her way shortly.

10:56 p.m. Nicolas and Chris are in the bottom two. Chris' tears to follow.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Again.

Chris cries.

Again.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is out. He stands there for 45 seconds like an idiot. Not that that's a stretch.

Final thoughts:

Perhaps if Nicolas had used the Charlie Brown Halloween socks in his design -- which featured bright colors -- he could've scooted by. But instead, he's out and Chris remains the annoying cockroach who simply refuses to die.

Chris.

The annoying cockroach.

Who cries.

Every freakin' episode.

Seriously dude, pretend to be a man.

Until next time.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Episode 10 Recap Postponed Until Saturday

Sorry folks, but the wife is home today after spending a week out of town for work, and I'll be gone all day Friday. So your Project Runway recap will have to wait until Saturday.

Try to deal. :-)

In the meantime, feel free to check out my latest blog at nevdogg.blogspot.com and my latest 10-minute podcast at mikeandnev.blogspot.com

That will lessen the blow.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Episode 9: Bob What's His Name, Nicolas Pisses His Pants, And Gordana Mumbles: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what I miss? Styrofoam. Back in the 80s, styrofoam was like beer ads filled with hot, beautiful women: Everywhere. But then these damn environmentalists started going, "Oh styrofoam is bad for the environment because it doesn't biodegrade, and these beer ads are sexist, so we're going to stop all of this and make the world gender-equal and boring."

And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.

Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?

10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.

????

10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"

Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"

Jesus.

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.

10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.

10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.

10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.

10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.

10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.

10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.

10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.

10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.

10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.

The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.

10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.

10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.

10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.

10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.

10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"

Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.

10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.

Her priorities are way out of whack.

10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?

10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.

10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.

I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?

That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.

10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."

She must be referring to her English skills.

10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?

10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.

10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.

Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.

10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the same...um, circles.

10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.

Can we say double standard?

10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."

Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.

Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?

Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.

10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.

10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.

10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.

10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.

10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!

Final thoughts:

OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.

Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.

Until next time.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Episode 8: Giving To Charity, Shirin's Hotness Downfall, And The Epps Take Their Lumps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Before I begin this week's episode recap, I'd like to be serious for a minute and talk about an organization that is aiming to help the people of the Philippines who were devastated by the recent Typhoon Ondoy.

HOPE worldwide is an international charity that aims to change lives by harnessing the compassion and commitment of dedicated staff and volunteers to deliver sustainable, high-impact, community-based services to the poor and needy. A good friend of mine who has volunteered all over the world for Hope worldwide helped to build and work in an facility called the Center of HOPE Worldwide Orphanage in Manila. It is a treatment center for abused children in the Philippines, specializing in child sexual and physical abuse cases primarily. The center offers short-term and long-term residential care, treatment and placement, meeting the holistic needs of each child. The center has been completely flooded and destroyed, and they are working to take care of the people who were displaced as a result.

Here is a link to how you can make a donation to helping the victims of this terrible disaster reclaim their lives.

On a personal note: Like many of us, when I initially heard about the typhoon, I admittedly thought little of it. Was it sad to hear? Yes. But was I greatly affected in any way by the news? No. To be frank, I was pretty disconnected from the whole thing. When tragic events like this happen, most of us don't stop to realize just how much people's lives have been affected by this, because simply put we're not the ones being affected.

But when my friend told me about the orphanage in Manila, and that she knows of several people who have perished or are declared missing as a result of the typhoon, I began seeing things in a different light. And I began to think that in these times, we have to look beyond our little bubble. We have to see the world around us and help out -- all of us -- when others are in need.

In addition, a small donation really goes on a long way. Living in America, we don't see how far a little money can go. But in an impoverished nation, a $25 donation -- one donation!! -- can help feed a family for months. All of this -- individually -- can make a big difference with just a small effort.

So please click on the link above and make a donation. You will be changing a life for the better.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Gordana: "When I came to America, I had nothing. Now I have everything."

Except anti-wrinkle cream.

10:01 p.m. Irina's drinking orange juice.

Hot.

10:02 p.m. Ewwwwww!!!! Nicolas is undressing Logan with his eyes!!!

10:03 p.m. The designers get new models and are wearing wedding dresses even though they're already divorced.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

10:04 p.m. I'm glad my wife Ramona is out of town and not listening to how long all these women have been divorced. Don't want her getting ideas.

10:06 p.m. What is an "apple-kay?" Is it a push-up bra?

10:07 p.m. Irina has made another huge push in the hotness pool. She's a solid # 2 now, far outdistancing Shirin -- whose bitchy attitude is making her less attractive -- and Althea continues to pound the oreos. This is getting tight.

10:07 p.m. Shirin continues to bitch and moan. She's getting uglier by the second.

10:09 p.m. What does Logan have against us seeing his hair? I swear, that hat takes over half his face.

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

(slaps Mood's ass)

10:11 p.m. Carol says that cutting up a wedding dress is like running into a church and swearing at the top of your lungs.

For Carol, that would be her version of having the holy spirit.

10:11 p.m. Gordana tries to reach her kids on the phone but can't. She cries.

I know I should care, but you know what? I don't. And you know what? You don't care, either. You hate her. She's creepy. Admit it. It's OK.

10:13 p.m. Shut up, Shirin!! Jesus.

10:19 p.m. Tim is worried about Logan's textile. And really, it is a concern. Textile is not Logan's strong suit. We all know this.

10:20 p.m. Shirin whines to Tim. Shirin whines to the camera. Shirin whines to herself. Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. Cry cry cry. Shirin, you want to gain your momentum back on the hotness poll? Stop talking.

10:22 p.m. Logan is freaking out. His hair may be falling out, but we can't see it.

10:24 p.m. This episode is more boring than usual. I mean...yawn.

10:29 p.m. Gordana: "I look like I've been digging holes."

Which is an improvement.

10:29 p.m. Chris: "This is my design and I stand behind it."

Well good for you, Chris!! Now go verbally suck Epperson's penis.

10:31 p.m. Is it just me, or was Tim's "Macy's Accessory Wall" pointing-it-out thing less enthusiastic than usual?

10:32 p.m. I am stunned that Shirin's model got divorced. I mean, what man wouldn't want a woman who questions every little detail of every little thing every five minutes?

10:32 p.m. How revolting is Nicolas' model Stephanie? Steph wants to have Nicolas' child and Nicolas -- not exactly a looker in either the straight or gay community -- looked like he was going to vomit.

10:39 p.m. "There are nine of you here, and after today: They'll be eight."

Don't you just love her for her brains?

10:40 p.m. OK, watching the divorced women walk down the aisle is ridiculously hysterical. Most of them are, like, power walking.

10:40 p.m. Logan designed fat pants.

10:42 p.m. Gordana's divorcee looks like a coked-out Uma Thurman.

10:44 p.m. The judges love Gordana's Uma-on-crack outfit.

10:45 p.m. Chris has been fake-smiling this whole episode, almost like he's trying to make up for crying his eyes out last time.

10:46 p.m. Epperson is getting bashed by the judges. Chris, go verbally down on him. Make him feel better.

10:46 p.m. Shirin'a divorcee -- you know, every man's fantasy if he wants to be ridiculed every eight seconds for the rest of his life -- has bad teeth.

10:56 p.m. Shirin is in. But she's faltering where it counts.

10:57 p.m. Gordana wins. But her kids don't love her.

10:57 p.m. Irina is win. She's hot.

10:58 p.m. Little Epp, aka Chris, is in. Will Big Epp survive? Bottom two: Logan and Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Epperson's gone. But Chris remains to carry on his legacy.

Final thoughts:

This episode sucked.

.....

That's pretty much all I got.

:-)

Until next time.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Episode 8 Recap Postponed Until Friday

Guys, just a reminder that I'm playing in a charity poker tournament tonight so I will be posting my recap of tonight's episode on Friday night, Oct. 9.

Try to amuse yourselves until then. :-)

Check back tomorrow night!!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Marilyn Manson, Doogie Howser, And Mud Wrestling: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

At the Nevdogg household, we don't believe in your typical gender roles. Which is why my wife Ramona kindly lets me do the laundry (Yeah. Joy). For those of you who have never lived in an apartment, doing laundry is a pain in the ass because a) you can never find enough quarters to operate the machines, and b) even when you do find the quarters, the damn machines are never free anyway!! To read more about my thoughts on the subject, read my latest blog post at nevdogg.blogspot.com

And now, on with the letters. Pamela writes:

If Nicolas and Louise were to get married and have kids, what do you think they would look like?

They'd look like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Neil Patrick Harris.

I mean: It fits, right?

Jerry writes:

You know what this show needs? A mud wrestling three-way between Althea, Shirin and Irina.

Jerry, I couldn't agree more. Finally, some real perspective from a reader. And in such a three-way, I'd have to put my money on Althea. Shirin simply doesn't have the size, so she's out. Irina, I think, would put up a surprising battle, but I just see Althea wearing her down.

Great, great suggestion.

And finally, LYD writes:

Alright, this might seem strange but I had to leave a comment. I've never been to this website. I didn't even know it existed. Plus I don't even watch the show you posted about. Not a single episode. Ever. But I have to say, just reading this post by random chance was awesome. Hilarious, awesome, and entertaining. So I just wanted to thank you. :)

LYD, it's comments like those that are why I write this blog. Thank you!! :-) And tell all your friends about how much I hate this show.

OK, that's it. A reminder: There's a good chance this week's recap may be postponed until around Friday evening because I'll be playing in a charity poker tourney on Thursday.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Episode 7: My Dad's Movie Remake, Louise-Nicolas Chemistry, And Little Epp: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

A couple of hours before tonight's episode, I received the following comment from Elizabeth:

I can't wait to check out your dad's movie MAUSOLEUM, that is right up my b/f's alley...


Did you hear that, Dad? Someone is actually going to watch your movie!!!

Time to bust out the cigars.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Has Gordana's accent gotten thicker? Has she taken more Eastern European accent tablets than usual?

10:02 p.m. Louise wants to go more over the top.

Somebody hold me.

10:02 p.m. Mausoleum was about a hot, curvy blond woman with big natural breasts who was possessed by a demon as a child and is now killing people as an adult. This role was played by actress Bobbie Breese (warning: the upcoming link is a still from the movie and is not suitable for work) who walks around naked for half the film for no real reason. Bobbie, who also had roles in Surf Nazis Must Die and Ghoulies, was nominated for the 1984 Saturn Award for Best Actress for her portrayal as a demonic slut who had sex with her husband, the gardener and the guy who delivered plants (all were eventually killed).

You can't make this stuff up.

10:03 p.m. I'm pegging Heidi Klum to star in the Mausoleum remake.

C'mon. You knew I was going there.

10:03 p.m. Here's what the Mausoleum remake movie poster would say:

Mausoleum: Starring a naked Heidi Klum.

This would so make money.

10:03 p.m. You know why a Mausoleum remake would make money? Because straight guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked, straight women would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they could point out imaginary flaws in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and gay guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they tell their fellow gays: "Nope, she still needs a penis."

You see? It would hit every demographic.

10:04 p.m. OK, totally lost. You make a blue garment from Macys? But it's a different kind of blue from all the other blues out there in the world? And what is Inc?

10:05 p.m. Another team challenge. Will Logan and Carol be a team and hook up? Will Nicolas and Louise be a team...and hook up?

10:05 p.m. Everyone pitches their ideas, goals, dreams, fears, etc. I'm tuning out so let's talk about Mausoleum.

In Mausoleum, the demon woman and her husband had a maid, played by the late LaWanda Page. In the movie, LaWanda drinks generous amounts of gin after seeing the demon woman transforming into her demon-like state with clouds of green smoke emanating all around. She then drinks some more gin, runs upstairs to confirm that, yes, she did indeed see a woman surrounded by a demon surrounded by green smoke, and runs off.

Funny enough: My dad told me recently that during filming of this scene, LaWanda briefly passed out because she was drinking real gin during all the takes.

Me: "Why did you have her drink real liquor?"

Dad: "Because I'm the director, and I wanted my vision to be real."

Says the man who wrote a movie about a woman whose demonic breasts had mouths.

10:06 p.m. Louise talks about "apple-kay rose-ets."

Yeah.

10:07 p.m. Althea picks Logan. The hot girl picks the pretty boy. I roll my eyes and am getting that "I want to chuck something at the TV" urge.

10:07 p.m. Louise picks Nicolas.

I'm telling you...

10:08 p.m. Ramona attempt to stay something interesting for the blog #1:

"Carol and Shirin. Two hot chicks on the same team, Nev."

Nice try, baby. But you've forgotten that Carol is way down on the hotness poll.

10:09 p.m. Are Louise and Nicolas wearing the same jeans?

I'm telling you...

10:09 p.m. Jesus, Gordana really needs to dial down the accent. I can practically see her spit.

10:09 p.m. Louise misplaces her cash. She must have sex on the brain.

I'm telling you...

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

Always a pleasure.

10:15 p.m. Shirin doesn't seem enthused about working with Carol. And why should she? Shirin is hot, Carol is not. That makes Shirin better.

And while we're talking about hot women, here's the latest shake-up in the hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot, by virtue of her tank top. Bare shoulders are always a plus.

10:16 p.m. Chris is verbally sucking Epperson's penis. I mean, you think so too, right?

10:17 p.m. Nicolas says Louise "makes really cute, funny noises when she works."

Louise: "It relieves stress."

You know what else relieves stress?

I'm telling you...

10:18 p.m. Gordana talks about how everyone thinks Logan's cute, and Ramona laughs.

I want a divorce.

10:18 p.m. In Mausoleum, there was a psychiatrist named Simon who saw the demon woman halfway transform and watched her eyes glow green. Simon calmed her down by having her count to three.

Tim will play Simon in the remake. And will even find a way to throw in a "make it work."

10:21 p.m. Epperson and Chris are wearing the same color.

For the remainder of the blog, Chris will be referred to as "Little Epp."

10:22 p.m. One of the models looks at all the blue dresses and asks:

"Is the theme blue?"

Guess.

10:22 p.m. Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 2:

"Is Louise trying to be the next Ben Stein? You know what I mean?"

Um...no.

10:23 p.m. Carol always freaks out late at night.

Because she's coming down.

10:24 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills her dowdy aunt. In the remake, Louise will reprise that role.

10:28 p.m. Little Epp will play the demon woman's husband in the Mausoleum remake. He gets killed in the shower near the end when the demon woman gives him a hug.

10:29 p.m. Louise is feeling tense. Nicolas is going to help her as much as he can.

I'm telling you...

10:30 p.m. I hate to say this, but Althea has put on weight. This combined with Irina's bare shoulders...I don't know.

10:30 p.m. Gordana is seriously sounding like cotton's in her mouth.

10:31 p.m. The Macy's accessory wall has been stocked with Inc shoes.

Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 3:

"The designers look oh so excited that there are Inc shoes on the wall."

Baby, I love you for trying.

10:33 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a guy outside a disco by setting his car on fire with her mind while he's in the vehicle.

Sounds like the perfect role for Logan.

10:38 p.m. Heidi: "One...or more...will be out."

Ooooooooohhhhh.

10:38 p.m. Everything is blue. I'm bored. Let's talk about Mausoleum:

In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a mall worker (who refused to sell her a painting) by levitating him off the ground and dropping him over the railing several stories to his death. It wasn't the fall that killed him. It was the fact that he went through a statue of a spike.

Congratulations, Nicolas. You have a role in the remake.

10:40 p.m. Pretty boy Logan and a fatter Althea advance.

But Althea's No. 1 ranking is no longer secure.

10:41 p.m. Team Epp and the "I'm telling you" couple have the lowest scores. Little Epp looks like he's gonna cry.

10:42 p.m. Irina and Gordana aren't acting like a team. Probably because Irina can't understand a word Gordana is saying.

Communication is key, you know?

10:43 p.m. Irina's bare shoulders vs. Shirin's cute glasses look. Thoughts?

10:44 p.m. Louise likes ruffles, but no one else likes Ruffles.

On the bright side, Louise has a nice sex glow going on.

I'm telling you...

10:46 p.m. Heidi and Michael Kors make Little Epp cry. Poor Little Epp.

10:46 p.m. Epperson speaks, so let's talk about his role for the Mausoleum remake:

In Mausoleum,

Hold on:

Jesus, Little Epp, get it together!!! Stop crying!!

OK, so:

At the beginning of Mausoleum, some random guy stumbles into the mausoleum right after the demon possesses the woman (who is a girl at the time). The guy's head then explodes.

Epperson, it's not a great role, but it's all we got left. Sorry.

10:55 p.m. Shirin is in. Still No. 3 on the hotness chart.

10:55 p.m. Irina wins!! Her shoulders should be bare every week.

10:56 p.m. Gordana, Carol and Epperson are in. Nicolas skates by because of his immunity. Louise and Little Epp in the bottom two.

10:57 p.m. One...or both...of them will be out.

(yawns)

10:58 p.m. Louise is out and stays strong. Little Epp is in and cries. And then Little Epp needs to be consoled by Louise.

Do I have to say "be a man, for God's sake!!" or is it really necessary?

Final thoughts:

Louise sucked, and I'm now convinced she was wearing a wig. Her banging Nicolas on the side made for some good writing material, but still: She had to go. Gordana is annoying because she no longer speaks English, and Little Epp needs to grow a set. Sorry but it's true.

Let me finish with a couple of things: 1) See my dad's movie. Our family hearts residuals. And 2) Next week's episode recap may be delayed a day because I'm playing in a poker tournament next Thursday night for charity.

Because I'm a giver. :-)

Until next time.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thank-You Card Tips, Thank-You Card Advice, And Ra'Mon's Line Of Ties: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

I chatted recently with my former co-worker at the L.A. Daily News sports department, John Wareham, who informed me that he recently spoke to Project Runway castoff Ra'Mon. Ra'Mon, according to John, "is a super cool dude. He's very nice and might start his own line of ties with one of the actors who is in 'Surrogates' - who also confirmed that."

All great information. But personally, I was really hoping John would've gotten Ra'Mon's thoughts on someone who wrote on a hater blog about his show. And that the one who wrote that blog really thinks he would look good with a gold tooth.

Thanks for the intel, John!! But next time: Ask the tough questions. :-)

And now, here are some letters:

Another Suburban Mom writes:

A tip: Write about five cards a day and then mail them all out at once. Do not stagger the mailing because you will get passive-aggressive phone calls asking if you got the gift because so and so got one and they did not.

Also for cash I go with generous, very generous and extremely generous depending on how much they sent.

Otherwise..."Thanks for the lovely vase, however I did get one just like it. Would you mind sending a receipt so I can exchange it."

Or, you just say" "Thanks for the lovely vase, now Ramona will be able to brandish the vase at me when she complains that I never get her flowers."

All great advice, ASM. I particularly love the five-a-day thing. But let me answer your flower comment with a comment from Ramona:

He gets me flowers all the time ASM :)

Yeah, I'm that type of guy.

Amber writes:

Just get a stamp that says "Thank You", a use that on a generic blank card. Or send out a mass e-mail, even to the grandmas.

Now see: I too was pushing for sending out a mass e-mail, but everyone was shooting me down!! Why is this wrong? It's not being lazy. It's being efficient and embracing technology!! If I was allowed to send out my thank-you cards via e-mail, they'd be done by now. That's a fact.

Plus: I'm saving on paper. Am I the only one who wants to lend Mother Earth a hand?

And finally, newlywed Ivan asks for help:

I have to do thank-you cards soon as well. I'm not looking forward to it. Any advice?

Pay someone to do it for you.

You know Ivan, if you're looking to make some extra money...

Until Thursday.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Episode 6: Thank-You Cards, Ra'Mon's Klingon Name, And A Shake-Up In The Women's Hotness Poll: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what sucks about marriage? Thank-you cards. I've written out 16 over the past two days and my hand hurts. I'm sorry, but this is a stupid, stupid practice. Half these people didn't even get us gifts we like and/or going to use. What am I supposed to write? "Thanks for getting us some crappy vase instead of cash like we wanted?" Those who got us money? They deserve a thank-you card. Honeymoon luggage tags or a hot dog toaster? You get a thank-you card (because your gifts were actually useful). Otherwise, I say, you get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, what do you do about the people who came to the wedding but didn't get you a gift? Do they get a thank-you card? And if so, what the hell am I thanking them for? "Thanks for letting us spend $55 so you can attend our meeting and give us nothing in return, you ungrateful mooch?"

You know?

Anyways, on with the show. My wife Ramona is once again watching with me:

8:04 p.m. I'm actually not watching the episode for another 116 minutes, but my friend Tiffany -- whose cable system allows her to see the East Coast version three hours ahead of me -- just informed me that Tim is seduced by ruffles.

Something to look forward to.

10:02 p.m. Heidi's dress is decidedly unflattering. Note to Heidi: Dark blue looks good on no woman. None.

10:02 p.m. The challenge deals with movie making. You know, my dad made a horror film in the early 1980s called Mausoleum. It was a cheesy B movie, filled with cheap special effects, a dumb plot and half-naked women.

It was awesome!!!

10:03 p.m. Tim: "Welcome to a real Hollywood sound stage!!!"

I half expected him to shake.

10:03 p.m. I don't understand the challenge. Something about making something out of genres.

So in other words: You're making a costume? Why can't you just say "costume"? Let's simplify things, people.

10:04 p.m. Gordana is worried about Westerns because she's not American.

You know what? Love it or leave it.

10:05 p.m. Nicolas picks science fiction. Yeah, that's a stretch.

10:06 p.m. Shirin is going to make a saloon girl prostitute.

YES!!!!!

10:07 p.m. Logan and Carol Hannah are making goo-goo-ly eyes at each other. Logan winks. Carol swoons. I barf. Let's move on.

10:08 p.m. Speaking of Carol: Tiffany and I have been arguing for two weeks about Althea -- I say she's hot as hell, she says she looks like a goblin who chews rocks -- but we both agree that Carol looks like a cigarette chain smoker who hitchhikes.

10:08 p.m. You know what I realized about Gordana? She can't pronounce the letter "s".

10:08 p.m. WE'RE GOING TO MOOD!!!!

(happy dance)

10:09 p.m. Chris wants to go with a "brocade."

??????

10:09 p.m. Say it with me now:

"Thank you, Mood!!!"

Let's all wave.

10:10 p.m. Epperson: "Western really is a period."

Thanks.

10:10 p.m. Gordana lost her scissors. But when she says "scissors", it sounds like the word is filled with Zs.

10:11 p.m. Ra'Mon could totally be a Klingon. Don't you think?

10:16 p.m. I betcha Logan isn't a good-enough person to write thank you cards following his wedding.

Just sayin'.

10:17 p.m. Gordana's dress says 1920s girl who has just discovered oil. And this is her re-release into "zociety."

Uh-huh.

10:18 p.m. I have come up with Ra'Mon's Klingon name:

Mott.

10:19 p.m. Will Louise ever get married and go through the torture of writing thank-you cards?

One wonders...

10:20 p.m. Tim tells Nicolas to be less safe.

Ramona: "That's a really scary thing to tell Nicolas, especially given what he sent down the runway in the Avant Garde challenge. Nev, you should put that statement in the blog. It was actually insightful and not just some random thing ripping the show."

Insightful = boring.

No one insults my rips. Not even my better half. :-)

10:20 p.m. Big shake-up in the women's hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot.

The women's hotness poll: You never know what's gonna happen.

10:22 p.m. Mott is having second thoughts about his jumpsuit.

Mott. Tee hee.

10:23 p.m. Nicolas says he's almost lost it a couple of times. I thought he lost it long ago, personally.

I know, I know. An easy cheap shot. It's OK. I hate Nicolas. I want to make him suffer the ultimate punishment.

Grab a pen, Nic. You're writing my thank-you cards.

10:28 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas and Chris just said to each other. Was that design speak?

10:29 p.m. Mott shaves.

Mott.

:-)

10:29 p.m. Does Epperson have a "Mood" bag?

Whoa. Even I have limits.

10:29 p.m. God, Logan annoys me. Every time he speaks, I want to slug him as hard as humanly possible. To all the female viewers who find him attractive: He's into Carol!! I mean, he loses points for that, doesn't he?

10:30 p.m. Use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully, people. It's not a toy.

10:31 p.m. Which of these women on the show (including the models) would do the wedding thank-you cards themselves and not involve their husbands? Thoughts?

10:34 p.m. Ramona: "Hi husband!!"

:-)

10:37 p.m. Another non-flattering outfit for Heidi. What is she, taking a week off?

10:38 p.m. I like Irina's dress. No. 2 on the women's hotness chart.

10:38 p.m. Carol's dress looks like someone who chain smokes and hitchhikers would wear.

I'm sure Logan likes it.

10:38 p.m. Ramona: "It must be hard to be a fat woman in fashion."

She said it, I didn't.

10:39 p.m. Ramona again:

"OK, if you were a fat lady in fashion, wouldn't you just be hating yourself all the time because you're surrounded by all these skinny people?"

Any answer I give will come back to haunt me later.

10:40 p.m. All three hot women are in.

And none of them are fat.

10:42 p.m. Nicolas' model wants to take over the Earth, says Nicolas.

God, he's a moron.

10:44 p.m. Louise uses the word "flapper" to describe her dress. Chris' dress says "vampire."

Did someone spike the water cooler in the design room or something?

10:45 p.m. Mott names his model Lola.

Mott and Lola, sittin' in a tree...

10:45 p.m. Think Mott would write my thank-you cards in Klingon?

10:48 p.m. What is a flapper?

10:48 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"The term flapper in the 1920s referred to a 'new breed' of young women who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to the new jazz music, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms."

So...1920s slut?

10:53 p.m. Me to Ramona:

"Hey babe, you want to write the rest of the thank-you cards? Your handwriting is much nicer than mine."

Ramona glares.

Sigh.

10:56 p.m. Gordana ("S? What's an S?") and Epperson are in.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas wins. There is no God.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Louise and Mott are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Ramona is really worried that Louise is going to be voted out. She hearts Louise. Lord knows why.

10:58 p.m. Mott's out??? But he's Mott!!!

10:59 p.m. OK, so Ramona went from fearing for Louise's life to booing the decision to vote Mott out. She calls the decision bulls*** and even screams racism.

Me: "But didn't you want Louise to stay?"

Ramona: "But not at the expense of Ra'Mon. Jesus, do you know me at all?"

Women. Don't understand them. Shouldn't try.

Final thoughts:

Another weird elimination. Ra'Mon really didn't deserve to go home. He essentially did the team challenge by himself, he made a lettuce-colored dress look cool, and didn't he win one week? Louise or Gordana definitely should've gone before him.

Also: NICOLAS MUST DIE!!! I mean, c'mon: He's creepy!! Would you want him around your kids? He screams "Columbine". That's right, I said it. And don't tell me you weren't thinking it!! You've been thinking it for weeks and so have I!! Let's get it out in the open.

Nicolas wins and I'm writing wedding thank-you cards.

Life sucks.

Until next time.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

'Muslin Clothing', Paper Negligee, And Girly Men: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

I'm currently in front of my TV screen watching the Baltimore Ravens-San Diego Chargers NFL football game, and I'm biting my nails. Am I a fan of either team? Good God no!! But in one of my fantasy football leagues (I'm in four; I'm a man's man. More on "man's man" in one of my letters), I'm beating one guy by 12 points but he's got two guys on the Chargers, and I've got one guy on the Ravens. So I'm one of those guys you may come across watching TV once in a while, not screaming for one team to win but rather screaming for one or two players to do well, for other players to do worse, and of course there's the occasional "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DOING SO WELL AND I DIDN'T START HIM!!!!"

Yep. I'm one of those guys. :-)

Anyways, onto the letters. Joyce writes:

They weren't saying "Muslim" clothing in last week's episode, it was "muslin" clothing, a type of finely woven cotton fabric. How the hell could you not know that?

Uh, hi Joyce. My name is "Typical Male." I like sports, I scratch myself, and I eat things out of cans. How the hell am I going to know what muslin clothing is? Next, you're gonna ask me for knitting tips and pattern ideas.

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I thought the two of you looked so cute and happy in the wedding video.

And I also enjoyed Ms. Longoria. Clothes out of paper is whack though.


Thanks ASM!! And yeah, paper clothing is nuts. Although I did have this thought: Paper negligee. Now that has possibilities. :-)

And finally, Elizabeth writes:

LOL-i am SO GLAD i found your little dent in the project runway/blogosphere universe. even though you scream "man's man" to me (and true confession, i myself rather tend to like girly men) you are hysterically on point and exceptionally humorous in your candid observations. bravo, sir, bravo.


Thank you, Elizabeth!! And please don't hold my "man's man" status against me. Girly men know muslin clothing and when paper clothing was popular and why certain guys thinks it's OK to wear pink shirts. If I was a girly man, the blog wouldn't have the same pop, you know?

See ya Thursday!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Episode 5: Ignoring The Hotness, Paper Clothing, And Origami Exposed: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Tonight is the first time this season that I'll be watching Project Runway with my wife Ramona. Out of respect for Mrs. Nevdogg, I will refrain from making comments about the hotness of certain females this evening.

Because after all, my wife deserves the utmost respect.

Ramona: "That, and you don't want to be sleeping on the futon every night for the remainder of our marriage."

That too. :-)

By the way, here's a link to me and the wifey's grand entrance at our wedding.

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. When you saw Carol leaning over the table, don't tell me you didn't have any "Is she going to take a hit of cocaine?" thoughts floating through your head.

10:02 p.m. Ramona is excited because she thinks Irina and Althea are heading for a cat fight. Personally, I'm not into seeing two young girls fight each other. Disgusting. Not sexy at all.

10:03 p.m. Heidi: "The answers will all be in black and white." Everything pretends to be shocked.

I yawn.

10:04 p.m. The L.A. Times? What the...

10:04 p.m. BOOTH MOORE!!!!

No clue who that is.

10:04 p.m. Funny coincidence: I have a friend named Starr Moore, and her nickname is Boots. Boots Moore. Booth Moore. Strange, huh?

I know you don't care. You know what? I don't care.

10:05 p.m. Create a design using newspaper fabric.

And people wonder why this show is on the verge of cancellation.

10:06 p.m. Ramona, who is a sports columnist for the L.A. Daily News, is thrilled at how a newspaper "is featured so prominently on a hit TV show" and hopes this will be that someone will "buy a newspaper again."

I don't have the heart to tell her "not bloody likely."

10:07 p.m. When the hell was paper clothing ever popular, Tim? The Depression? Seriously.

10:07 p.m. According to my good friend the Internet, paper clothing was popular in the 1960s.

As was acid.

10:08 p.m. Chris rambles. I tune out.

10:08 p.m. Can someone please tell Althea to wear a more conservative top? Kids may be watching, for God's sake.

10:08 p.m. Nicolas thinks he's going home tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

10:09 p.m. Irina came up with the outside-the-box notion that just because she's using newspaper doesn't mean it has to look like newspaper.

God, girls who act dumb look ugly to me.

10:09 p.m. Shirin's nose looks funky. How the hell could I ever think she was hot? Right, my beautiful wife? :-)

10:10 p.m. Shirin talks about groping her mannequin.

Ramona: "I bet you were turned on by that last statement huh, Nev?"

You know what? I'm trying. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Jesus.

10:15 p.m. Ra'Mon talks about cubism and origami. And if you can picture that in your mind, you need a life.

10:16 p.m. Althea's boobs look a bit lopsided. So unsexy.

10:17 p.m. Tim talks to Irina about 1968 and Muslims.

Ramona: "I have no clue what that meant."

You and me both.

10:17 p.m. Tim trashes Johnny's dress and, as a nail in the coffin, when Johnny goes to chuck his dress in the trash, he misses the shot!!

As a man, that hurts. Believe me.

10:19 p.m. Are we not going to Mood today? :-(

10:19 p.m. Johnny also mentions origami. Is that the word of the day?

10:19 p.m. Origami is Japanese paper folding, according to my good friends at Wikipedia.

Well then: Why can't you just call it paper folding? If it were me, I would say "I'm folding paper." I'm not gonna use some fancy word to make it seem like my piece-of-crap dress isn't a piece of crap. It isn't gonna work. It's newspaper!! Giving it a fancy name and/or adding accent marks doesn't change that.

10:19 p.m. Nicolas' younger picture looks like he's a kid who makes bombs.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:20 p.m. The models come in. I really hope we don't see any of them in their undergarments. That wouldn't be tasteful.

10:20 p.m. Just as I write that, we see one of the model's bare backs. Figures.

10:21 p.m. Has Johnny gained weight? Is he stress eating? Is he coping because of the meth?

10:22 p.m. Ramona: "Wait, so everyone wants Johnny off because of his lack of passion? If anything, you should want him on the show because he'll always be in the bottom three!!"

We just watched Survivor. Where you always want to keep weak players.

10:28 p.m. I have seen four ads for the movie "Fame". Now I can't get "I'm gonna learn how to fly" out of my head.

10:29 p.m. Johnny is wearing a pink shirt. And doesn't give a damn.

Good for you!! Be strong in who you are!!

(P.S. You're never getting laid).

10:30 p.m. Please use the Macy's accessory wall, everybody. I mean, for God's sake...

10:31 p.m. Me to Ramona: "Doesn't Gordana look like a Helga?"

Ramona: "I feel like all Eastern European women do."

Ouch.

10:32 p.m. I'm gonna learn how to fly!! FAME!!!

Damn it.

10:33 p.m. Ramona thinks Johnny is going home, but is worried that if he does, he'll turn to crack afterward.

With that pink shirt of his, we may be too late.

10:35 p.m. Fame is in theaters Sept. 25.

10:36 p.m. Watching a tampon commercial. What's the deal with wings?

10:36 p.m. Decided to go on a "tampons with wings" blog.

Blog Commenter 1: "WTF. How do these function. Do they make your vag fly? Apparently they make you feel confident I gotta get me some."

Blog Commenter 2: "I know!!! What the f****?! They look like a bloody umbrella (scuse the pun!)... I honestly don't understand how this is needed? Ladies! Help me out here!!! I mean maybe if you'd popped 11 kids out of your Mickey..."

Wow.

10:39 p.m. Guest judges: Tommy Hilfiger and EVA LONGORIA PARKER!!!!!

Who I find ugly.

10:41 p.m. Johnny hates what Johnny did. Johnny's mad and Johnny's sad.

10:41 p.m. Has Shirin ever heard of the concept of, you know, using colors?

10:42 p.m. I mention to Ramona that I don't like Louise and she starts yelling at me to stop hating on Louise and that the only reason I'm doing so is because she's not hot.

I can't win.

10:42 p.m. Ramona: "You know what? It's OK that there are cute girls on the show. I already got the ring."

Well that's just great. Give me permission 42 minutes in.

10:44 p.m. Eva always accentuates her bum.

Eva: "That's my ass-et."

Some statements speak for themselves.

10:45 p.m. Tommy compares Irina to a bunch of different designers that I've never heard of. Tommy Boy, stop speaking above the viewing public!!

10:47 p.m. Dude, Nicolas is a jerk. If I were Johnny and Nicolas threw me under the bus, I'd choke him out with my pink shirt.

10:47 p.m. What's with Chris' brown jacket? It looks like something out of a second-hand store. It's like what the guys on King of the Hill wear when they dress up.

10:50 p.m. Tommy has big cheeks.

10:52 p.m. FAME!!!!

Sorry. Once it's in your head...

10:56 p.m. Althea's in.

And wear more clothes, woman!!

10:56 p.m. Irina wins.

Ramona: "That means that two of the three hot girls won, right?"

I don't answer. I know when I see a trap.

10:57 p.m. Brown jacket boy and Helga are in. Bottom two: Nicolas and Johnny.

10:58 p.m. Nicolas is in.

10:58 p.m. Ramona: "And Johnny goes back to smoking crack."

It's meth, but you get the point.

10:59 p.m. Tim says that Johnny was "spewing" on the runway. Don't spew on Tim. He has major influence. Johnny will have to wear pink shirts for life now.

11:00 p.m. Ramona: "Nev, do you really think having pretty girls on the show will help ratings? I mean, it doesn't really cater to its target audience. The only people who watch this show are gay guys and women."

I gotta admit: The wife has a point. :-)

Final thoughts:

I really hope that Johnny doesn't have a drug relapse, but if he does, here's hoping the first thing he does in his drug-induced haze is to throw that pink shirt in the fireplace. Speaking of fireplaces, that's where Nicolas should go. I swear, I hate that bomb-boy-who-never-had-any-friends-and-spent-his-formative-years-holed-up-in-his-room-and-or-basement loser. He's a punk, he's bitter, and I want to shave his head so he'll scream like a little girl.

It's always fun watching this show with the wife, because as the show goes on, she keeps making statements with the sole purpose of trying to get me to mention it in the blog.

It's cute.

:-)

Until next time.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Refusing To Accept A Woman's Hotness, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, And Lack Of Love For Tim: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

Today was the first day of the NFL season, and let me tell you: I was happier than a hog in slop. There's nothing like watching a bunch of guys on a field trying to kill each other, while you and your buddies root them on to kill each other while eating fried foods and having multiple TVs and computers (which are keeping track of other games) going on simultaneously.

I tell you, it's American tradition at its finest. :-)

So after a few-week delay, here's the weekly mailbag.

Tiffany writes:

Note to self: Never trust Nev's judgment. Althea looks like a goblin and the other girl (Shirin) has a bad nose job.

I have a theory about women: When a woman makes comments about a woman's lack of hotness, she actually feels that the woman she's putting down is hot and is just lashing out because she's mad that the woman she's putting down is hot and men know it.

It's a defense mechanism, I think.

John writes:

I'm telling you: You need to start blogging about The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

John has actually written this to me more than once. John, no. I'm sorry, but I have no desire to blog about a show dealing with a bunch of spoiled women who pretend they have real problems when in fact their only problem is that they have way more money than they know what to do with and need to create drama in their lives to pretend they have a purpose.

And also: Why Atlanta? The Real Housewives of Orange County? Fine. New York? Makes sense. But Atlanta? All that city has are peaches and a few pro sports franchises. How does this city scream "spoiled housewives?"

And finally, Namratha writes:

Aww I missed you the past few weeks, even though you hate me :)

I completely agree on the Mood front. I sometimes say "You're Welcome" for them, because it's just rude to leave poor Tim hanging, ya know?

Aww. Namratha, I missed you too. :-) Let's put the feuding behind us, at least for this week. And yes, Tim really needs to start getting a few "you're welcome"s for all the love and publicity he gives Mood. I just don't think they're appreciating all he does for him.

Until Thursday!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Episode 4: Michael Mancini, Hotness Rankings And Sexy Backs: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So let's talk about a show I actually like for a minute. Earlier tonight, I finally got around to watching the series premiere of the new Melrose Place (I was a fan of the show during its first few seasons back in the 90s). Admittedly, the first 20 minutes freakin' bored me, especially when you find out that (spoiler alert) Sydney -- one of the hotties from the original series -- was murdered and lying dead in the pool.

It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.

(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).

Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...

MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!


And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.

How could you not love this man?

So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.

Thank you, Michael.

You never let me down.

And with that, on with Project Runway:

10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?

10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."

Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.

10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."

Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.

10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.

Who the hell loves their back?

10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?

10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."

And the mind begins to wander.

10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?

10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?

No pun intended.

10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?

10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

:-)

10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"

Does it involve denim?

10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.

10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.

10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.

Epperson.

But he needs to start earning it.

10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"

10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.

Epperson.

10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?

No.

I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.

10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:

If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.

10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.

10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.

10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

(claps happily)

10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.

10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.

10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?

10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.

10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.

10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.

FYI.

10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.

10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?

10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.

10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.

10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.

10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.

The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!

10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.

No, that's not a good thing.

10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."

Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.

10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.

10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.

Epperson.

But dude: You better start showing me something.

10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.

10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.

10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.

10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.

Final thoughts:

Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.

Until next time.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Episode 3: No More Qristal Fat Jokes, Epperson's Learning Tree, And The Meaning Of Avant Garde: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My wife Ramona says I have to cool it with the fat jokes about Qristal.

"It isn't nice," she said.

This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.

Married life.

It officially begins.

And with that, episode 3:

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.

Or perhaps both.

10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.

10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.

10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.

10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.

10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.

10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.

10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.

Penis malfunction.

10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.

10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.

And all of his dreams have come true.

10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.

10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.

If that don't get your little friend workin'...

10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.

Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.

10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.

(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)

10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."

Designers: "Thank you."

Like a shepherd herding sheep.

10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.

I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.

10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.

10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.

I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.

Epperson.

10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."

I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.

10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.

Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"

Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.

Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.

Or...anything.

10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!

Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"

(waves)

10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."

I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.

Epperson.

10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.

10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.

Just sayin'.

10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."

Yep, that about sums up their relationship.

10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.

Epperson.

10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.

Just pointing that out.

10:32 p.m. All together now:

Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

Where would we be without it?

10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:

"Wow."

10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."

Epperson nods.

He gets it.

Epperson.

10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.

10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.

10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.

Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?

10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?

10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.

10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.

10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."

So...poofy?

10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.

10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:

"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."

Isn't she cute when she speaks?

10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.

10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"

Rachel: "That one."

And then Rachel points.

So cute.

10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.

Are they married?

10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."

See? I'm locked in.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:

"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."

Complete with subtitles.

10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:

The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.

All white straight guys love Asian women.

It's just our thing.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.

10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.

That's because he's...

Epperson.

10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!

10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.

10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!

Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!

10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.

Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."

He shouldn't. Because he sucks.

Final thoughts:

Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?

OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!