Thursday, September 17, 2009

Episode 5: Ignoring The Hotness, Paper Clothing, And Origami Exposed: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Tonight is the first time this season that I'll be watching Project Runway with my wife Ramona. Out of respect for Mrs. Nevdogg, I will refrain from making comments about the hotness of certain females this evening.

Because after all, my wife deserves the utmost respect.

Ramona: "That, and you don't want to be sleeping on the futon every night for the remainder of our marriage."

That too. :-)

By the way, here's a link to me and the wifey's grand entrance at our wedding.

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. When you saw Carol leaning over the table, don't tell me you didn't have any "Is she going to take a hit of cocaine?" thoughts floating through your head.

10:02 p.m. Ramona is excited because she thinks Irina and Althea are heading for a cat fight. Personally, I'm not into seeing two young girls fight each other. Disgusting. Not sexy at all.

10:03 p.m. Heidi: "The answers will all be in black and white." Everything pretends to be shocked.

I yawn.

10:04 p.m. The L.A. Times? What the...

10:04 p.m. BOOTH MOORE!!!!

No clue who that is.

10:04 p.m. Funny coincidence: I have a friend named Starr Moore, and her nickname is Boots. Boots Moore. Booth Moore. Strange, huh?

I know you don't care. You know what? I don't care.

10:05 p.m. Create a design using newspaper fabric.

And people wonder why this show is on the verge of cancellation.

10:06 p.m. Ramona, who is a sports columnist for the L.A. Daily News, is thrilled at how a newspaper "is featured so prominently on a hit TV show" and hopes this will be that someone will "buy a newspaper again."

I don't have the heart to tell her "not bloody likely."

10:07 p.m. When the hell was paper clothing ever popular, Tim? The Depression? Seriously.

10:07 p.m. According to my good friend the Internet, paper clothing was popular in the 1960s.

As was acid.

10:08 p.m. Chris rambles. I tune out.

10:08 p.m. Can someone please tell Althea to wear a more conservative top? Kids may be watching, for God's sake.

10:08 p.m. Nicolas thinks he's going home tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

10:09 p.m. Irina came up with the outside-the-box notion that just because she's using newspaper doesn't mean it has to look like newspaper.

God, girls who act dumb look ugly to me.

10:09 p.m. Shirin's nose looks funky. How the hell could I ever think she was hot? Right, my beautiful wife? :-)

10:10 p.m. Shirin talks about groping her mannequin.

Ramona: "I bet you were turned on by that last statement huh, Nev?"

You know what? I'm trying. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Jesus.

10:15 p.m. Ra'Mon talks about cubism and origami. And if you can picture that in your mind, you need a life.

10:16 p.m. Althea's boobs look a bit lopsided. So unsexy.

10:17 p.m. Tim talks to Irina about 1968 and Muslims.

Ramona: "I have no clue what that meant."

You and me both.

10:17 p.m. Tim trashes Johnny's dress and, as a nail in the coffin, when Johnny goes to chuck his dress in the trash, he misses the shot!!

As a man, that hurts. Believe me.

10:19 p.m. Are we not going to Mood today? :-(

10:19 p.m. Johnny also mentions origami. Is that the word of the day?

10:19 p.m. Origami is Japanese paper folding, according to my good friends at Wikipedia.

Well then: Why can't you just call it paper folding? If it were me, I would say "I'm folding paper." I'm not gonna use some fancy word to make it seem like my piece-of-crap dress isn't a piece of crap. It isn't gonna work. It's newspaper!! Giving it a fancy name and/or adding accent marks doesn't change that.

10:19 p.m. Nicolas' younger picture looks like he's a kid who makes bombs.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:20 p.m. The models come in. I really hope we don't see any of them in their undergarments. That wouldn't be tasteful.

10:20 p.m. Just as I write that, we see one of the model's bare backs. Figures.

10:21 p.m. Has Johnny gained weight? Is he stress eating? Is he coping because of the meth?

10:22 p.m. Ramona: "Wait, so everyone wants Johnny off because of his lack of passion? If anything, you should want him on the show because he'll always be in the bottom three!!"

We just watched Survivor. Where you always want to keep weak players.

10:28 p.m. I have seen four ads for the movie "Fame". Now I can't get "I'm gonna learn how to fly" out of my head.

10:29 p.m. Johnny is wearing a pink shirt. And doesn't give a damn.

Good for you!! Be strong in who you are!!

(P.S. You're never getting laid).

10:30 p.m. Please use the Macy's accessory wall, everybody. I mean, for God's sake...

10:31 p.m. Me to Ramona: "Doesn't Gordana look like a Helga?"

Ramona: "I feel like all Eastern European women do."


10:32 p.m. I'm gonna learn how to fly!! FAME!!!

Damn it.

10:33 p.m. Ramona thinks Johnny is going home, but is worried that if he does, he'll turn to crack afterward.

With that pink shirt of his, we may be too late.

10:35 p.m. Fame is in theaters Sept. 25.

10:36 p.m. Watching a tampon commercial. What's the deal with wings?

10:36 p.m. Decided to go on a "tampons with wings" blog.

Blog Commenter 1: "WTF. How do these function. Do they make your vag fly? Apparently they make you feel confident I gotta get me some."

Blog Commenter 2: "I know!!! What the f****?! They look like a bloody umbrella (scuse the pun!)... I honestly don't understand how this is needed? Ladies! Help me out here!!! I mean maybe if you'd popped 11 kids out of your Mickey..."


10:39 p.m. Guest judges: Tommy Hilfiger and EVA LONGORIA PARKER!!!!!

Who I find ugly.

10:41 p.m. Johnny hates what Johnny did. Johnny's mad and Johnny's sad.

10:41 p.m. Has Shirin ever heard of the concept of, you know, using colors?

10:42 p.m. I mention to Ramona that I don't like Louise and she starts yelling at me to stop hating on Louise and that the only reason I'm doing so is because she's not hot.

I can't win.

10:42 p.m. Ramona: "You know what? It's OK that there are cute girls on the show. I already got the ring."

Well that's just great. Give me permission 42 minutes in.

10:44 p.m. Eva always accentuates her bum.

Eva: "That's my ass-et."

Some statements speak for themselves.

10:45 p.m. Tommy compares Irina to a bunch of different designers that I've never heard of. Tommy Boy, stop speaking above the viewing public!!

10:47 p.m. Dude, Nicolas is a jerk. If I were Johnny and Nicolas threw me under the bus, I'd choke him out with my pink shirt.

10:47 p.m. What's with Chris' brown jacket? It looks like something out of a second-hand store. It's like what the guys on King of the Hill wear when they dress up.

10:50 p.m. Tommy has big cheeks.

10:52 p.m. FAME!!!!

Sorry. Once it's in your head...

10:56 p.m. Althea's in.

And wear more clothes, woman!!

10:56 p.m. Irina wins.

Ramona: "That means that two of the three hot girls won, right?"

I don't answer. I know when I see a trap.

10:57 p.m. Brown jacket boy and Helga are in. Bottom two: Nicolas and Johnny.

10:58 p.m. Nicolas is in.

10:58 p.m. Ramona: "And Johnny goes back to smoking crack."

It's meth, but you get the point.

10:59 p.m. Tim says that Johnny was "spewing" on the runway. Don't spew on Tim. He has major influence. Johnny will have to wear pink shirts for life now.

11:00 p.m. Ramona: "Nev, do you really think having pretty girls on the show will help ratings? I mean, it doesn't really cater to its target audience. The only people who watch this show are gay guys and women."

I gotta admit: The wife has a point. :-)

Final thoughts:

I really hope that Johnny doesn't have a drug relapse, but if he does, here's hoping the first thing he does in his drug-induced haze is to throw that pink shirt in the fireplace. Speaking of fireplaces, that's where Nicolas should go. I swear, I hate that bomb-boy-who-never-had-any-friends-and-spent-his-formative-years-holed-up-in-his-room-and-or-basement loser. He's a punk, he's bitter, and I want to shave his head so he'll scream like a little girl.

It's always fun watching this show with the wife, because as the show goes on, she keeps making statements with the sole purpose of trying to get me to mention it in the blog.

It's cute.


Until next time.


Ramona said...

I thought Eva Longoria was a damn good judge. Better than that chick from Marie Claire. She actually had interesting things to say. And, as a celebrity, it was cool to here what she's actually wear on a red carpet.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I thought the two of you looked so cute and happy in the wedding video.

And I also enjoyed Ms. Longoria. Clothes out of paper is wack though.

Jessie said...

On an unrelated to PR side note.... I love how much you use the word "wife". It's endearing.