Sunday, August 31, 2008

Connecting With My Readers Over The Models' Lack Of Breasts: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

First, let me begin with another shameless promotion of my other blog site,, where this week I write about three things that always happens when you go to the movies. Tell me if you experience the same.

I was happy to see after last week's episode that I'm finally starting to connect with some of my readers. Apparently, we're all in agreement that the models used on Project Runway could use some breasts.

Personally, I think it would liven things up. That's just my opinion.

Faithful reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I think the show would be better if they replaced the models with least they appear to complete the act of digestion once in a while and they all have boobies.Most women in America have tits and I am getting sick of watching the designers squish them away.

Amen, ASM. Amen. Continue to testify.

Also, longtime reader Jessie offered some thoughts on the subject:

I agree about the boob squishing. It's getting a little out of hand.

And really, it is. Without any boobs to look at, it forces to me to look at the clothes. And really, is that right?

I say no.

After all, (straight) man cannot live on camera shots of Heidi Klum alone.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Episode 7: Keith Starts Crackin', Leanne's Temporary Hotness And Ratbones (Yes, Ratbones): A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

Following my post a few days ago about the movie "A Clockwork Orange" and my list of great 1970s movies, I received some interesting feedback from some friends of mine:

Friend # 1:

Dude, what are you talking about? Clockwork Orange rocks!!"

Closet Gay. Boy, you think you know somebody.

Friend # 2:

I can't believe you didn't include "Star Wars" in your list of good 1970s movies.

Admittedly, an oversight on my part. Apologies to George Lucas.

And Friend # 3:

I don't get how Sylvester Stallone is boxing in the first movie and then becomes a Vietnam soldier in the sequel. It's just....oh wait. Those are two different movies? Ohhhh!!

That friend likes Project Runway.


And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. It better be affordable, that's all I got to say.

9:02 p.m. Heidi in stripes. I think of candy canes.

9:03 p.m. Joe keeps Topacio. For the next five minutes, I won't refer to him as a closet gay.


9:03 p.m. Terri has replaced Stella this week as most hideous person to look at. She looks like the later stages of Whitney Houston during the Bobby Brown era.

9:05 p.m. I see cars. Nev likes cars. Boys play with cars.

9:05 p.m. Blayne: "What are we gonna use a car for?" Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:05 p.m. Chris Webb looks like a skinnier, better-dressed version of that gay guy on Sex and The City.

9:05 p.m. Two things: 1) Stella's black sleeves have once again given her the "top ugly girl" spot. And 2) Why the hell are they forcing them to make an outfit out of car parts? What, seat belts for straps? A bra made out of headlights? Do you get extra points for making the dress more fuel-efficient?

9:06 p.m. Kenley points out that the stuff in the car is stuff that cars are made out of.

You know, now that Daniel is gone, Kenley can't play the "It's OK that I'm stupid, because someone has discovered I have boobies" card."

9:07 p.m. Blayne is getting inspiration from seat belts. Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:07 p.m. Suede has so many whack-a-doodle things that he doesn't know what's he gonna do.

I shiver.

9:08 p.m. Stella's not moving. Stella is taking a stand.

With her ugly sleeves.

9:08 p.m. Leanne has no clue what she's going to do. Like that's unusual.

9:10 p.m. What will Keith do without ruffles? I wonder.

9:10 p.m. Stella is confused and has to let ideas come into her head.

Good luck.

9:10 p.m. In one long monologue, Suede said "whack-a-doodle," referred to himself as Suede, and said "I'm bleedin' it, baby."

God, I hate this show.

9:15 p.m. I'll say this for Stella: I like that hat. That hat works. It's all that hanging out with Jerell. That must be it.

9:16 p.m. I don't mean to insult the dead, but Whack-a-doodle boy has got to stop with all the references to deceased relatives. Last week, it was Grandpa. This week, it was Dad. Next week, it will be Aunt Dottie. The week after, it will be Fido. The week after that, it'll be his aroma-therapist who is "like my little sister. Aroma-therapist person, I love you (blows a kiss to the ceiling)."

9:16 p.m. Is anyone else bored by this episode right now? I mean, no one is saying anything interesting, no one is doing anything interesting, Tim's nowhere to be seen, and we're not gonna see Heidi in anything hot for another 30 minutes. It's a tough time right now.

9:18 p.m. Jerell is "whistlin' Dixie." I'm happy for him.

9:18 p.m. Whoa!! Leanne's dress is hot. And she's wearing makeup this week. She's trying to fill the eye-candy" void since Kelli left. I like that initiative.

9:19 p.m. Terri doesn't want to go back to her old job. Which I'm guessing involves illegal means.

9:20 p.m. Kenley loses her model. Kenley loses her man. Kenley loses her virginity. It's been a busy season for Kenley.

9:26 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Love your face." Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:26 p.m. Tim likes Jerell's design. Let's all whistle Dixie.

9:29 p.m. Keith says he has to show the judges a refined pallet. Tim says he's got to believe in it. Neither is stating the obvious: KEITH NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING!! All he has on his table are strips of car seat. Aren't you, like, supposed to tie something together by this point in the episode? Now, you all know Keith's my boy so it pains me to write this, but it seems like the lack of ruffles is getting to him.

9:29 p.m. Tim: "Don't lose your trajectory."

I won't.

9:30 p.m. Korto's design looks like a psychedelic strait jacket.

9:30 p.m. Jerell: "Terri has two faces." Ugly and horrifying.

9:30 p.m. Keith swore. Twice. Not good.

9:31 p.m. Stella's boyfriend is named Ratbones.


9:32 p.m. It's funny watching Korto brush her hair. Like she's hoping it will actually move.

9:33 p.m. Leanne is back to the hand-me-down look and is no longer hot. Well, we'll always have the memories.

9:34 p.m. How dare Keith's model sit down!! I mean, how dare she!!

9:34 p.m. Ratbones.


9:34 p.m. Leanne stuffs her female model's underwear. Well, that's a first.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's got the wind-swept look working. Beats the bun look any day.

9:40 p.m. The guest judge is a stylist named Rachel Zoe. She's not a has-been actress, speed skater or transvestite. How am I supposed to make fun of her?

9:40 p.m. What's up with Jerell's model's eyebrows? See, this is why you need a straight-guy consultant on this show, to avoid things like this.

9:41 p.m. I really wish Terri would stop dancing every time her model walks down the runway. It's creepy.

9:41 p.m. Leanne's dress is hot. Unlike Leanne.

9:42 p.m. Korto loves her seat belt strait jacket. So do the folks at Arkham Asylum.

9:42 p.m. Did Blayne just say "Blayne-guage?" Am I hearing things? Because even for him, that's a little off.

9:42 p.m. Stella's dress is shown.


Ratbones, people.

9:43 p.m. I just noticed that Terri is wearing a Yoko Ono shirt. That fits.

9:45 p.m. Michael Kors: "I am never a car wash skirt or dress fan." And really, who is?

9:45 p.m. Heidi wagged her finger. Seal's a lucky, lucky man.

9:46 p.m. The judges like Korto's strait jacket? Is this one of those "I'm looking at a piece of art and I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be, so I'm just going to pretend that I love it and that it speaks to me so I don't sound stupid" type deals?

9:47 p.m. The judges think Stella's design is random. Much like Ratbones.

9:48 p.m. Keith is mouthing off to the judges. Another favorite of mine is about to bite the dust.

9:56 p.m. Leanne wins. She should celebrate by wearing her dress and some makeup and dancing on a pole.

At least, that's my opinion.

9:57 p.m. The bottom two: Keith and Stella. The Gay Moron vs. Ratbone's bitch. Who will survive?

9:57 p.m. Stella remains. Ratbones cheers.

Final thoughts:

OK, Ratbones? Seriously? Ratbones? How many of you fell out of your chair? My jaw literally hit the floor. Every week, Stella never ceases to amaze me. Whether it's how she looks when she first wakes up in the morning, or watching her use a hammer like she wields it to keep Ratbones in line, Stella keeps me on my toes every episode. She's never boring, I'll give her that.

As for the episode: Although I liked Keith earlier, he started annoying me the last couple of episodes. What happened to the cool guy who lifted heavy weights and took pictures of himself just because? I liked that Keith. But lately, he was replaced by whiny Ruffle boy. He had to go.



I'm seriously at a loss.

(shakes his head)

Until next time.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Straight Guys Don't Watch 'A Clockwork Orange': A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Let me start first by shamelessly promoting my other blog. The Nevin Barich Blog Experience, found at, has a new entry debunking the myths of organic foods. A must read. :-)

I received an interesting comment the other day from an anonymous person following last week's episode of Project Runway:

Dude, I think you were high when you watched this episode. You missed several great parts ... like when Suede went all Clockwork Orange talking about his grandfather sprinkling seeds, and Varla's don't ask, don't tell line. Man up!

To which I accurately responded:

No straight guy has seen A Clockwork Orange.

And that ignited the following reply from my friend Stephanie, a former film student at NYU:

Nev, the Freshman classes of NYU, USC and UCLA film schools just ordered a hit on you. Rent A Clockwork Orange.

To which I will now reply:

No. I will not rent A Clockwork Orange. I'm straight and thus must stay true to my roots. Besides, Orange was made in 1971 and according to the "Straight Guy Code of Ethics," the only good movies from the 1970s were:

The Godfather.

The Godfather, Part II.


Rocky II.

Everything else sucked.

Yes, including Chinatown, which made absolutely no sense.

Furthermore, I wouldn't put it past the NYU or UCLA mob to put a hit on me. That's like them. But USC? No way. They're too drunk to figure out how to load the gun.

Those are my people.

Glad I could clear that up.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Episode 6: Drag Queens In Drag, Drag Queens Not In Drag, And Celebrity Drag Queen Judges: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My friend Elly and I were talking last week about my Project Runway Hater blog and Elly -- who watched the first season of PR -- summed the show up this way:

It both fascinated me and disgusted me at the same time. Like a multi-car pile-up, with glitter and empty personalities and the smell of cheap wine.

Mostly the glitter.

I'd have gone with mostly cheap wine, but the effect is more or less the same.

And speaking of cheap wine, I'm guessing I'll have to down a bottle or two to get through tonight's episode: Drag Queens (I'm fighting the urge to hurl).

On (reluctantly) with the show:

9:01 p.m. Could you imagine being one of Stella's kids and being woken up by her in the morning when she looks like that? Those kids won't have to be coaxed into going to school. They'll be running out of the door, mark my words.

9:01 p.m. Joe doesn't think Keith should've won the last challenge. "It was raw-cut swatches of chiffon. How innovative."

If that doesn't scream "Closet Gay"...

9:01 p.m. Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that Blayne is wearing a shirt that says "Poolboy"?

9:01 p.m. Heidi in a sleek black top and tight pants. To quote Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman: "God must've been a $*&^%$# genius."

By the way: If you're tired of me remarking on how hot Heidi looks during every episode recap...

...too damn bad.

9:02 p.m. We see the shadow of what we know is going to be a drag queen but what looks like a roided-out walrus, and Suede and I both have the same reaction:

"What the %$#%*& is that?"

9:02 p.m. Hold up a sec: This "guy", Chris March, used to be on the show? And people wonder why I can't take this crap seriously.

9:02 p.m. Don't be blowing kisses at Heidi, Chris!! Jesus, now when I try to imagine Heidi kissing the female models, images of this psycho will invade my thoughts.

9:02 p.m. Drag Queen question: Shouldn't Chris shave the goatee? I mean, doesn't that kind of ruin the mystique?

9:02 p.m. Chris: "In case you haven't guessed yet, your next challenge is about designing an outfit for a drag queen."

Yes Chris, I gathered.

9:02 p.m. Blayne: "Too much drama."

For once, Poolboy and I are in agreement.

9:02 p.m. Terri loves drag queens.

She loaded up this morning.

9:03 p.m. Oh God, a double hideous moment: The drag queens come out and start talking about romance and eating sequins for breakfast, and Terri licks her lips. Man, that was disgusting. I hope children aren't watching.

9:03 p.m. One of the drag queens is known as New York City's big-titted honky soul momma.

That will keep me up nights.

9:04 p.m. Was it really necessary to show the crotch area of one of the queens? I mean, honestly...

9:04 p.m. I like Varla Jean Merman. She looks the most normal, plus she describes herself as a southern Ann Margaret on steroids. I can buy into that. Maybe it's because I'm a sports fan and the juice is an everyday subject, but it makes sense to me.

9:04 p.m. For the second week in a row, Keith makes a comment about a great set of legs. I'm telling you, he's a straight man in a gay mormon's body.

9:05 p.m. Joe picks Varla because by picking the most normal looking one, he's hoping to hide his gayness for one more week.

You can run, Joe, but you can't hide.

9:05 p.m. The big-titted honky soul momma warns Korto that he may rot her teeth. And honestly, I think that's a threat he can back up.

9:05 p.m. Terri picks Acid Betty.


9:06 p.m. Tim: "Each drag queen has a very particular persona."


9:08 p.m. Blayne pairing with the drag queen who looks like she puts on makeup with a paint roller is a recipe for disaster. You heard it here first.

9:08 p.m. Stella plans to add metal in her outfit. Surprise surprise.

9:08 p.m. Annida Greenkard's hair puts Korto's hair to shame. The cameras aren't showing it, but I know those two are sizing each other up.

9:10 p.m. Korto has a big ass. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

9:11 p.m. A straight man would not be dancing with fake boobies like Joe did just now.

9:11 p.m. Daniel just asked Kenley to take her bra off so he could put it on his mannequin. That's typical of today's men: Showing interest in a girl, ignoring the girl for days, and then paying her attention again when the sap rises.

9:11 p.m. All of this is way out of Korto's comfort zone. Her and me both.

9:12 p.m. Joe is wearing pink.

9:12 p.m. Stella thinks Blayne knows nothing. Stella speaks for all of us.

9:12 p.m. You know what's sad? Blayne is wearing pink fabric in a sort of whacked-out Little Red Riding Hood look, and I'm not even fazed.

9:18 p.m. You know why Jerell's gonna win this challenge? Because he's the only one who hasn't blinked once at this task. Everyone else (except Terri. But she's high.) is like, "Oh my God, I'm making clothes for drag queens!! What do I do?" every other minute, but Jerell is just getting it done.

9:19 p.m. OK, theory on Keith: The whole gay mormon thing is a bunch of B.S. Do you see the way he's pettin' that mannequin? The dude has done this before...with ladies.

I'm not knockin' him for this, mind you. If anything, it makes him my favorite all the more.

9:20 p.m. Tim returns with an old friend.

"Make it work."

Thank you, Tim.

9:20 p.m. Seeing the drag queens without their drag queen wear is almost more disturbing.

Hey, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

9:22 p.m. Stella's drag queen....ewwww!!

9:22 p.m. Dude, I gotta say: Hedda Lettuce is cracking me up.

"Whatever I'm saying is out of love, unconditional and pure. Just get it right."

Sounds like almost everyone of my ex-girlfriends.

9:27 p.m. Chris' hair is fake, right?

9:28 p.m. Tim to Blayne: "It looks like it's a terradactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park."

Is that good or bad here?

9:30 p.m. Daniel loves what Daniel's created. Did you know that Daniel has impeccable taste.

9:30 p.m. Difference between me and Blayne: He tries on Daniel's dress without blinking. If Daniel asked me to do that, he'd be impeccably laid out on the floor.

9:32 p.m. Seeing Keith's drag queen in a bra has created one of those, "I can't look, yet I cannot turn away" moments for me.

9:33 p.m. Hedda Lettuce just wants to let bygones be bygones.

I love spelling Hedda Lettuce. It's fun.

9:34 p.m. Tim asks if we're ready for the most fabulous show in the history of Project Runway.

I gotta admit: I'm not sure.

9:38 p.m. Heidi says hello. I drool.

9:38 p.m. Heidi points out that there are currently 11 designers, and soon there will be 10.

If she was ugly, she'd sound stupid. But since she's hot, she sounds cute.

9:39 p.m. Who the %^$#&$ is Rupaul?

9:39 p.m. Rupaul is really getting into the first drag queen on stage, moving her shoulders like she's watching a stripper.

I will never be the same after this.

9:40 p.m. Blayne's gay Jurassic Park look does scream "drag queen." I'll give him that.

9:40 p.m. Hedda Lettuce walks.

Hedda Lettuce!!

Write it down one time. It will make you smile.

9:41 p.m. To anyone who thinks Terri was sober when she made her outfit, I have some magic beans I want to sell you.

9:42 p.m. Poor Korto's drag queen. He doesn't look good as either a male or female. Must be tough.

9:45 p.m. Must we talk about "candy" during this challenge?

9:46 p.m. Michael Kors is surprised that Jerell's dress looks kind of normal. And you know what else? Jerell is dressed kind of normal, too. No Idi Amin hat. No Robin Hood or medieval ensemble. Spooky.

9:47 p.m. OK, Korto's dress did not give her drag queen a Heidi Klum body. I mean, that is just not true. Is Seal watching? He should complain.

9:48 p.m. Rupaul puts down Daniel to the point where Daniel basically shuts up.

I like Rupaul.

9:55 p.m. The public has voted. They'd rather see Tim in drag than Michael Kors. Michael has those child-bearing hips, but Tim's facial features would "make it work."

9:56 p.m. Joe wins.

Closet gay.

9:56 p.m. OK, I know there's no way Keith is gonna get voted off before Daniel, but still, I needlessly worry.

9:57 p.m. Daniel's out. 'Bout time.

9:57 p.m. You know what's great here? Daniel, a guy who was really starting to annoy me, gets voted out, and Heidi is the one who says it. I actually rewind to hear Heidi say it three or four times. It makes her hotter in my book.

9:58 p.m. Jesus, Keith is taking this hard.

Maybe he is gay.

Final thoughts:

As far as I'm concerned, Daniel's ousting was a week overdue. Other than lusting over Kenley's breasts here and there, did he really bring anything to the table?

But the real story here is this: I survived the drag queen episode. I know many of you had your doubts. It wasn't easy, but I hung tough, went to my happy place when necessary, and dug deep to pull through.

Now if you excuse me:

I'm off to hurl.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

My Loyal Readers Help Me Fill In The Gaps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So last episode, there were a few times where some of the contestants said words and phrases that flew right over my head (truth be told, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner). Thankfully, some of my loyal readers were there to help in fill in the gaps:

My man Jessie David Ledger, for example, explained that last episode, Terri didn't say that Suede had "the balls of a jj". She said, 'balls or vajayjay', which is the Oprah/Grey's Anatomy word for vagina."

Thank you, Jessie. "Vajayjay" is not something I plan to add to my everyday vocabulary, but it's nice to get some clarification.

Also, loyal reader Namratha explained that Suede wasn't saying "Kel Sarprees" but rather "Quelle Surprise", which is French for "what a surprise." Thank you, Namratha. And to answer your question: No, I was not being sarcastic. I honestly had no clue what Suede was saying; I just figured it was some random designer (or bisexual) term. Besides, the only thing French in my life are fries. I don't even want to learn how to say "nude beaches" in French for fear I'll see hairy female arm pits.

It's just not right.

And finally, thank you to loyal reader RBohemian for reminding me that Keith talked about his struggles being gay while growing up as a Morman in Utah at the beginning of the season (I had admittedly forgotten). This completely explains Keith's love for both ruffles and Brooke Shields' legs.

Both loves may be banned by his church.

We'll look into that.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Episode 5: Hot Professional Women, Perceptions Of Sluttiness, And Other Sexist Remarks: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Before I go into tonight's episode, allow me a few paragraphs to tell you about a kid who -- with your help -- can become the next President of the United States. Or Hugh Hefner.

On June 18, my good friends Elly and Jeremy welcomed a baby boy into the world named Max Orion Treat. Though not even 2 months old, my man Max has already shown himself to be a future raging heterosexual (and thus, by definition, a Project Runway hater.) Apparently, although the kid still isn't quite the age where he can always focus both his eyes on the same object, there's this picture of a hula girl in the living room that little Max is fascinated by. With everything and everyone else, little Max's left and right pupils are all over the place. But with the hula girl, he's locked in, undressing her in his mind and thinking:

"You just wait till I can crawl, sweetheart."

Now the reason I bring all of this up is because Max's parents have entered him into a cutest baby contest, where the winner will receive a $20,000 college scholarship. I ask that you vote for Max to ensure that he undresses hula and other varieties of girls with his eyes in a post-secondary environment. To vote, go here, click on the letter "M" and choose Contestant 40. Then, just enter your e-mail address at the bottom and verify your vote in your Inbox.

Five easy steps. Less than half of an alcohol program. No problem.

So sometime between now and Aug. 17, vote for future Project Runway hater and male heartthrob Max. With your help, his gifted mind will one day go to college and find the cure for cancer.

Or a way to make firmer, longer-lasting breast implants.

Either way, the world's a better place.

With that said, the show is on:


9:01 p.m. Keith hits the weights, lifting what I'm guessing is around 200 pounds. Meanwhile, Daniel, who can't understand why the Lakers wear the same jersey, is lifting 15-pound dumbbells. It's little things like these that make Keith my favorite.

9:01 p.m. Blayne says, "Team (Something) licious." I can't understand if it's drama or drumma. One other thing I'm not understanding: His blinding yellow hoodie. Listen, I wear $5 sandals from Payless that didn't even come in a box -- they were hanging on a rack -- and even I know a fashion faux pas when I see one.

9:01 p.m. You know what? I've accepted Heidi in a bun. She can be my librarian any day.

9:02 p.m. People keep asking me to mention Heidi Klum saying "Auf Wiedersehen" and how annoying it is. Here's the thing: I don't find it annoying at all. In fact, I didn't even notice it until someone pointed it out to me following Episode 3. In fact, every time she says it, it involves her kissing a model so it's actually something I've come to look forward to. It adds to my new librarian fantasy.

9:02 p.m. The designers will be designing for a high-powered, glamourous professional woman. Blayne's hoping it's not Hillary Clinton.

I really wouldn't worry too much.

9:03 p.m. Stella hopes the professional woman is Sharon Osborne. Really, I'm stunned.

9:03 p.m. Brooke Shields? What has she done in her life besides "Suddenly Susan" and Andre Agassi?

9:04 p.m. Watching Suede say "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins" was like watching a gay male friend of mine once stick his tongue in between two cherries. So very, very wrong.

9:04 p.m. Brooke's excited to be here. Of course she is. She now has a job.

9:04 p.m. So Brooke is on that "Lipstick Jungle" show. A quick Internet search has me come across some rather hot-looking photos of the main cast (Brooke included). I then come to find out that the characters are three of New York's most powerful women, which somehow makes them appear even hotter to me.

Is that sexist?

9:05 p.m. Designers in teams of two? You know what? I want to see Jerell matched up with Joe. If anyone can get Joe out of the closet...

9:06 p.m. Terri's design involves pants. Brooke loves pants.

I love the color blue.

9:07 p.m. I honestly can't figure out whether Keith is gay. Reasons to think he's gay: He's a boutique owner and he's into ruffles. Reasons to think he's straight: He lifts weights in camalflauge shorts and he loves Brooke Shields' legs.

It's really a toss-up.

9:07 p.m. Stella's design involves a corset. Brooke reminds her that a woman still needs to go to work in this. Stella looks confused.

Remember Brooke: Stella works with hookers and pimps. In her world, a corset means you're on the job.

9:08 p.m. Did Korto's hair get bigger? Seriously, that thing has grown two inches from last episode.

9:08 p.m. Joe has come up with a tuxedo-type shirt.

Closet gay.

9:08 p.m. Jerell, on the other hand, is comfortable with his sexual preference. You see the way he sings and bounces? Joe, look how happy he is.

9:10 p.m. Brooke is a little scared of Blayne. You said a mouthful, sister.

9:15 p.m. Keith picks Kenley to be on his team and says if she can keep her mouth shut and stick to sewing, they'll be fine.

He sounded straight there.

9:15 p.m. Ah man, Korto's hair picked Joe. Joe's never gonna announce, "OK fine, I'm gay!! Happy?" with her as a partner.

9:15 p.m. Stella gets picked last despite her obvious charm, wit and willingness to use bright colors.

9:16 p.m. Keith hates Kenley's fabric choices. Tim hates Kenley's fabric choices. Kenley will either put her foot down and demand her way, or say nothing, let it fester and blow up later at the worst possible time.

I'm guessing the latter.

9:17 p.m. Daniel's not a fan of leopard, black and lace. In short, everything partner Kelli is currently wearing.

Yeah, this pairing will work out just fine.

9:17 p.m. Tim underscores what an opportunity it is for the winner to have their design be worn on Lipstick Jungle. I, too, would be motivated if something I created was worn by a powerful, professional woman who made me want to make wild animal noises.

Is that sexist?

9:19 p.m. I have never seen Suede look this scared. He looks like he just saw the neighborhood bully come around the corner. Even Terri notices. She thinks he has "balls of a JJ." I got no clue what that is, but it sounds bad.

9:19 p.m. Blayne grew up in a small hometown and he stood out.

I know. I know.

9:20 p.m. Keith and Kenley remind me of a guy-girl pair who bicker like they're in a relationship, only without the sex.

In other words: A married couple.

9:21 p.m. Am I the only one fearful that Stella has a hammer in her hand? I mean, was that wise?

9:22 p.m. According to Kelli, Daniel made the skirt half "rooched" and the zipper all "swably."

This must be what it feels like when a woman who has zero interest in sports watches football. Just a bunch of weird phrases and whistles.

9:23 p.m. OK, Kelli has got to stop saying "Make it work." It's not your line, sweetheart. Next time Tim sees her, he should whack her on the back of the head and shout, "Make that work, $^*%$#$!!"

9:23 p.m. Suede: "Kel saprees."

Are those words?

9:24 p.m. Terri announces to everyone that Suede's shirt is horrible.

Kel saprees.

9:28 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Holla atcha boy."

Tim laughs.

They had a moment. How cute.

9:29 p.m. Tim is dubious over Kelli's design. Tim knows about her line stealing. It's etched on his face.

9:29 p.m. Tim likes the Suede-Terri design.

Kel saprees.

9:30 p.m. While Korto's hair is talking, I can swear that Tim steals a look at Joe that almost says: "He's gay, right?"

9:31 p.m. If Joe would just say, "Listen, I'm gay and I'm struggling to deal with it," I betcha Korto's hair would lay off on him a bit.

9:32 p.m. Kelli: "Make it work."


9:33 p.m. Stella's wearing pink? I'm shocked. Honestly shocked.

9:33 p.m. Kenley is bagging on Daniel. Apparently, they haven't spoken since Daniel noticed she has breasts, and this is Kenley's way of dealing with the rejection.

9:33 p.m. Terri and Suede are now the best of friends. Must have been the group hug with Tim that bonded them.

9:35 p.m. Here's why I like Tim: He can say things like, "Some of you are still sewing, question mark" and still sound cool. I say things like that and I sound drunk.

9:41 p.m. Heidi. Hair down. Pink top.

An image of paddles just entered my thoughts.

Is that sexist?

9:44 p.m. Nice to see that Leanne is continuing the "hand-me-down look" tradition that Jennifer started.

9:46 p.m. What is it with Jerell's clothes when he meets the judges? Last week, it was Robin Hood. This week, he looks like he's auditioning to be a waiter at Medieval Times.

9:47 p.m. The judges hate the fact that Kelli and Daniel's design looks slutty. The sluttiness actually makes it my top choice. Me and Michael Kors should do a show together entitled "Perceptions."

9:47 p.m. Daniel has impeccable taste, according to Daniel. Kenley laughs hysterically. Daniel, lesson learned: Next time, call the girl the following day.

9:49 p.m. The judges rip Leanne and Blayne, and Blayne tries to defend himself by basically telling the judges, "Hey, you guys know I'm a psycho and haven't tanned in weeks."

Classic. Absolutely classic.

9:51 p.m. Brooke gets on the "is that a word" bandwagon:



9:56 p.m. Keith and Kenley win!! Ruffles prevail!!

9:57 p.m. Jerell and Stella move on. Jerell is off to joust.

9:57 p.m. Blayne has left Heidi speechless. Like that's a first.

9:58 p.m. Blayne is in, and he actually looks disappointed. For Christ's sake, just put a tanning bed into his room and make his day.

9:59 p.m. Kelli's out. Jerell looks like his dog died. Pull it together, man. Jesus.

Final thoughts:

Kelli didn't deserve to go home. Forget the facts that she won once in the past and got unfairly blamed for Daniel's "swably" zippers. Kelli was the closest thing to "hot as hell" female on this show, huge tattoo on her right arm aside. What am I supposed to do now?

Beyond that, a particularly boring episode this week. Usually, I can find one main thing to harp on -- Suede on Suede, Joe's inner struggles, Stella ... (that's it. Just Stella) -- that will kill 30 minutes. But this episode was all over the place. That, combined with Tim's lack of "make it work"(s) in recent weeks, made Episode 5 a tough one to get through.

I need some bones here, people!! Perhaps Heidi can start wearing leather.

Is that sexist?

Until next time.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A Straight Man Analyzing The Looks Of The Project Runway Men: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

I was having lunch today with my good friend Stephanie and she was talking about how, when she runs on the streets of West Hollywood (Steph's an avid runner) she likes to take in the eye candy that consists of the gay men that populate the city. West Hollywood, as many of you know, is considered to be a predominantly gay area and -- according to Steph -- many of them keep themselves in great shape.

This reminded me of a conversation I once had with another friend of mine, a gay male, who told me that the one similarity between gay and straight guys is that both are visual beings. In other words, neither gives a damn about all that "emotional connection" nonsense that women seem to love. Both gay and straight men base much of a mate's sex appeal on their physical apperance.

So, my gay friend told me, in many respects it's more difficult for gay men. Because unlike straight guys, who have the "emotional connection" felt by their female companions to fall back on, gay guys have only their looks and thus can never let themselves go without suffering the consequences.

So this begs the question:

Why are all the gay guys on Project Runway ugly?

I mean, if you take the facts that a) gay men need to keep up their physical apperance for the above-mentioned reasons, and b) that Project Runway is (God knows why) watched by millions, you would think the gays on the show would be compelled to look their West Hollywood eye-candy best.

Except they're ugly.

Let's review:

Blayne. The dude looks like a tanorexic clay figure who would melt if left out in the sun too long. He's ugly.

Suede. His blue mohawk makes him look like a reject for a "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" remake. He's ugly.

Jerell. His Idi Amin hat on the last episode lowered his rating. He's ugly.

Joe. That whole "I always look like I'm brooding because I'm trying to show that I'm straight, but in reality I'm overcompensating because I'm homosexual but not ready to come out of the closet yet" is downright scary. He's ugly.

And then there's Austen.

Need I say more?

Now, since I'm straight, perhaps my views are skewed. Maybe other gays find the Project Runway gays attractive. Maybe the clothes they make are a substitute for an emotional connection and thus they can get away with letting themselves go.

Or maybe Blayne needs to ditch the tanning beds, Suede needs to get his fat carcass to the gym, Jerell needs to lose the "cruel, relentless dictator" ensemble, Joe needs to lighten up, and Austen...

...needs help.

Professional help.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Blayne's Tanorexia, The First Straight Male Celebrity Judge, And Jerell's Tribute To Idi Amin: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

To my knowledge, I've done nothing in my life that goes under the category of "moral damnation." So God must be punishing me for prior-life sins. It turns out that this week's episode of Project Runway falls on Aug. 6, my birthday. Now my first instinct is to say: "Screw it, let me enjoy my birthday. The blog can wait a night." But due to my shameless promotion of this blog, people are actually reading it. For which I say thank you...

...and damn you. :-)

Plus, because my birthday falls smack dab in the middle of the work week, drinking large quantities of booze to get me through this episode is also out. So I'm calling on the next-best thing. By my side this evening is a large Meat Lover's Plus pizza from Pizza Hut; the idea being that I'll consume enough grease to put me in enough of an alcohol-like stupor to get me through the episode.

One can only hope.

With that said, here we go:


9:01 p.m. Few women look good with their hair in a bun, and Heidi Klum is no exception. Women with their hair in a bun makes a man think of librarians. And have you ever seen a hot librarian?


9:02 p.m. Of course Kenley is going to stay with her winning model. Why would anyone not choose their winning model? It's like being a manager of a major league baseball team, having your star pitcher win 20 games for you, and then telling him, "Great job. Now get out my sight. There's a minor leaguer I want to bring up in your place." Tell me you're not seriously on pins and needles during this portion of the episode?

9:02 p.m. Back to the "women with their hair in a bun" thing for a second. You know what the other issue is? A man can't have the "pull the hair" fantasy when he sees a woman with a bun. That's a huge detriment to a woman's sex appeal.

I hope straight women reading this are taking notes. I'm giving you pearls here.

9:03 p.m. Jerell hopes the next challenge has nothing to do with female wrestlers. OK, that's a random concern.

9:03 p.m. Hair of Korto guesses that this will be a "boogie-down challenge."

Suede: "Suede loves that."

Work week be damned, where's the booze?

9:03 p.m. A "can of worms" moment:

Tim to Blayne: "How often do you like to tan?"

I fear the response.

9:03 p.m. Blayne likes to tan every other day. While others go to the gym, he says, he goes tanning.

Blayne: "I just want to go tanning."

(dramatic pause)


Somebody help this man.

9:04 p.m. Whoa!! They're on a track. Can this be a sports challenge? I was a sportswriter back in the day, you know. Plus, I'm a straight man. I'm into physicality.

9:04 p.m. Oh Jesus. Just when I think this might actually be a "manly" challenge, they show a speed skater going around the track. Might as well be watching a ballet.

9:04 p.m. Wait, I take it back. It's Apolo Anton Ohno. I remember him from "Dancing With The Stars." He danced with Julianne Hough. She's a hottie. Apollo's OK in my book.

9:05 p.m. The challenge is women's wear for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics.

Tim: "This is an opportunity for you to consider how you would present the United States to the rest of the world."

I shudder to think what Stella will come up with. I'm guessing something involving bats.

9:06 p.m. Insight from Blayne:

"The Olympics are humongous. So big."

Thank you, Blayne.

9:06 p.m. I still can't decide whether Stella looks more or less hideous without makeup. It's like deciding whether to take the nerdy girl or the fat girl to prom. Both are horrific, but in different ways.

9:06 p.m. Apolo will be the guest judge. Finally, someone representing someone like me on some level.

9:07 p.m. Joe has watched every Olympic opening ceremony since he was 12.

Closet gay.

9:07 p.m. Terri's thinking classic Americana sportswear. Let's see what she's thinking after a line or two.

9:07 p.m. Stella -- who has just pointed out that she likes leather (as she's contractually obligated to do in every show) -- is thinking: "Bold. Progressive. Aero-dynamic. That's, like, gladiator."


9:08 p.m. Jennifer is thinking jogging suit. Jerell is thinking hats for women. These should join forces. Make a bold statement.

9:09 p.m. Tim seems stunned that Stella is using black. Tim...c'mon.

9:09 p.m. Did Keith take Terri's fabric? Or did Terri imagine that Keith took her fabric? Are substances involved here?

9:14 p.m. Stella says that representing America is serious business. As she wears spikes.

9:14 p.m. Want proof that there are gays in sports?

Closet Gay Joe: "I played football."


9:15 p.m. Daniel's not really into anything regarding sports. That's a shock.

9:15 p.m. Daniel thinks that sports uniforms make everyone look a bit generic.

Daniel: That's. The. Point.

9:15 p.m. Blayne: "In tanning, I'm an Olympic athlete."


9:16 p.m. Jerell is worried that Blayne is becoming "tanorexic". But luckily, points out Jerell, Blayne has that blond highlighted hair that's keeping him alive.

That helps me sleep at night.

9:17 p.m. Jennifer has decided to stay true to her style and make doll clothes. Good for her.

9:17 p.m. Leanne doesn't think that Stella's outfit has anything to do with the Olympics. Oh gee, you don't think so? I kind of thought the black she was using would tap into the Olympic biker market.

9:18 p.m. Last week, we found out Keith liked taking pictures of himself. This week, we find out Keith was a gymnast. Every week, there's one more thing to like about Keith.

9:18 p.m. Daniel looks at Kenley's breasts. Kenley laughs. It's the first time Daniel's looked at breasts. It's the first Kenley's had her breasts looked at.

9:18 p.m. OK, at the risk of getting too graphic: Was Daniel feeling Kenley's...privates?
9:19 p.m. A serious thing for a second. Kudos to Korto for making a life for herself here in America following her hard upbringing in Liberia. Seriously, I think that's awesome and it's nice to hear that this country really is a dream for a lot of people.

9:25 p.m. Blayne and I have something in common. Tim said his design was looking a bit "Sargeant Pepper" and neither of us have a clue what that is. A generational gap, apparently.

9:27 p.m. You know what? Jerell needs to go back to wearing hats. He looks good in hats. Hats work for him. Jerell: Hats.

9:27 p.m. Jennifer's design looks like something from "Leave It To Beaver." Maybe she's aiming to impress the judges with a "I'm gonna make you homemade cookies" vibe.

9:28 p.m. Did Tim's "Make It Work" work for you this week? Because I'll be honest: I didn't feel the energy this time. I hope he's not sick.

9:28 p.m. Kenley thinks that Daniel's design doesn't need a bolero. Daniel's wondering whether the bolero really works.

What's a bolero? Is it a pepper?

9:29 p.m. You know what's sad? Suede says that Joe's obsession with someone else using his sewing machine -- when there are 12 others available -- is "whack-a-doodle" and I actually agree. Personally, I think the strain of being in the closet so long is getting to Joe. Just come out, son. Your daughters will still love you.

9:30 p.m. Joe says there's too many queens around, and that proves my point. Him outing gays is just a defense mechanism to try and make himself feel and appear more straight. C'mon, my gay readers, tell me I'm onto something here.

9:30 p.m. Joe is ironing, for cryin' out loud!!

9:31 p.m. Kenley appears much more worried about Daniel ever since he noticed she had breasts. Kenley found a man who focuses on her boobies and she doesn't want to let him go.

9:32 p.m. Joe thinks the judges are looking for red, white and blue in clothes that represent the U.S. Olympics.

I concur.

9:32 p.m. Jerell made a hat for his model. Jerell needs to make a hat for himself. Jerell looks good in hats.

9:33 p.m. Understatement of the episode, from Terri:

"I think Jennifer is in trouble."


9:38 p.m. Even with the short black dress, Heidi Klum doesn't do it for me when her hair's in a bun. See ladies, that's how much a bun can hurt you.

9:38 p.m. So for the last 20 minutes, I talk about how Jerell should go back to wearing hats, and what does he do? He picks something out of the Idi Amin collection. It's like he's trying to spite me.

9:40 p.m. Someone needs to tell Kelli that the competition wasn't supposed to represent "Live At The USO." Her design looks like something you'd see on a 1940s pinup calendar for boys going off to war.

9:40 p.m. Say this for Joe's design: It's American. He's got the USA logo and everything.

Speaking of Joe, guess who's wearing his clothes?


9:41 p.m. I can't decide which is worse: Jerell's Idi Amin hat or his design? In either case, what the...

9:41 p.m. You know what? I rag on Stella endlessly, but I'll say this: For the past three weeks, her finished product hasn't been nearly as hideous as her garbage bag dress. That's not saying much, I know, but still.

9:42 p.m. Doesn't Blayne's outfit look like something you'd wear to the tanning salon?

9:43 p.m. OK, here's why I worry about Jennifer this week. She's wearing a bulky sweater, ugly shirt, red heels and no makeup. I know she's a "sympathy vote" expert, but you can only go to the well so many times.

9:45 p.m. Man, even Apolo's rippin' on Jen's design. Now you know it's bad.

9:46 p.m. Daniel and the judges argue whether Daniel's blue is blue. And people wonder why I hate this show.

9:48 p.m. Daniel to Korto's hair: "The linen is very unique."

He has no idea what he's saying. He's just trying to sound like he does. It works, mind you. But I just wanted to point that out.

9:48 p.m. Jerell's design. Good. Lord. Me and Michael Kors start laughing.

9:50 p.m. Apolo thinks Jerell had a hard time grasping the whole "athletic" thing. Jerell's just having a bad week all around. His outfit sucks. The hat he's wearing sucks. And looking at what he's wearing a bit more closely, the words "Robin Hood" come to mind.

9:56 p.m. Korto's hair prevails. Yippee.

9:57 p.m. Jerell survives, and even he looks stunned. Now he's off to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Start with that hat.

9:57 p.m. Heidi says Daniel's dress is purple. The whole "blue" debate continues.

9:57 p.m. Jen's gone. And the fans of doll clothes mourn.

Final thoughts:

I wish they would let Blayne tan during one of these episodes, so he'll stop talking for a half-hour. Plus, I wouldn't mind if Joe ended up winning it all, if only because he'll use the stage to announce his true sexual preference. But I'm really disappointed with Jerell and Tim. Neither brought their A-game this week. Jerell's Hat-Dar was way off on all levels, and Tim's "Make It Work" just didn't give me the inspiration I was looking for on my birthday.

And you know what else? As much as I like Apolo, it's more fun to have a celebrity judge I can make fun of. Here's hoping we have no more straight male judges. Cuz it just don't work.

Until next time.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Trying To Find My Inner Homosexual To Better Understand My Project Runway Readers: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

The majority of my Project Run(A)Way readers are gay (I know, I'm as shocked as you are). Because I've been straight for all of the nearly 29 years of my life, there can't help but be a bit of a mind-set gap between myself and my gay brethren.

With that in mind, my girlfriend Ramona suggested to me that -- in an attempt to better understand my audience (and perhaps even understand the appeal of Project Runway a little more) -- I find a way to tap into my inner gay spirit that she believes all men inherently have.

Needless to say: I was dead-set against this. There are just certain things I don't want to discover, certain places of my soul I don't want to go to. I'm an "on the surface" kind of guy. I get twitchy when dealing with "deep feelings."

I'm straight. It's how God made me. Why must you judge?


"I AM NOT WATCHING GAY PORN!!" I announced to Ramona.

Luckily, that's not what she had in mind. So after much back-and-forth, last night she took me (i.e., dragged me) to see the movie "Mamma Mia", where men who like men can watch various topless men sing and dance for no apparent reason.

And even with that, it was extraordinarily difficult to tap into my inner homosexual. At one point in the movie, Amanda Seyfried was sliding chest-first across the sand in this hot-as-hell one-piece bathing suit. Now, a little straight-man info for gay guys (straight women, too, can learn from this): In this bikini- and G-string-clad age of ours, it is ridiculously difficult to get a man foaming at the mouth wearing a one-piece. But Amanda Seyfried pulled it off like she was wearing nothing but pasties.

In fact, it stuns me that she plays a Mormon daughter on HBO's "Big Love." Were it not for the fact that I was in a happy, committed relationship (and/or didn't believe in bigamy) I'd leave my current life behind and become a grad student at BYU.

But despite these and other obstacles, I managed by the end of the movie to find a little of my deeply buried gayness (which, for the remainder of this blog, I will refer to as DBG) and made the following discovery:

If you put a loaded gun to my head and said I had to sex with a man if I didn't want my brains blow off (and came to the conclusion that this was not a fate worse than death), the man I'd choose to avoid this fate would be Pierce Bronsnan.

After all these years, the man's still got it. He's got those piercing eyes (no pun intended) that just look right through you. He meets my DBG height requirements, he's not bulky (my DBG isn't into the huge muscular look) and he still pulls off the whole "open collar, no tie" look that you just don't see anymore.

And when he took off his shirt at the end of Mamma Mia, my DBG joined the female members of the movie audience in the chorus entitled:


Besides, Pierce also passes the "alley test."

The alley test is a test that straight men give in the rare (rare!!) times we judge the sex appeal of other men. The thinking is this: If you faced the man in question in the back of an alley, and you weren't afraid, then he ain't right for your DBG.

Brad Pitt? I could beat him senseless inside of 12 seconds. He fails the alley test.

John Stamos? Something tells me he can't take it to the body. He fails the alley test.

George Clooney? Close. But he's a bit too metrosexual. I can take him. He fails the alley test.

But Pierce Brosnan? Man, I gotta admit: I don't know. He's the thing that a lot of men fear most: The guy who doesn't look all that tough but nonetheless has a look about him that says "I know something you don't." Pierce in an alley would make me think, give me pause. And I believe he'd use that to his advantage and ram my head into a dumpster and take my wallet.

And according to my DBG: That's sexy.

So congratulations, Pierce. I would consider having sex with you if my life depended on it.

With that in mind:

I'm off to find doctored nude photos of Amanda. Cheers.