Saturday, August 2, 2008

Trying To Find My Inner Homosexual To Better Understand My Project Runway Readers: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

The majority of my Project Run(A)Way readers are gay (I know, I'm as shocked as you are). Because I've been straight for all of the nearly 29 years of my life, there can't help but be a bit of a mind-set gap between myself and my gay brethren.

With that in mind, my girlfriend Ramona suggested to me that -- in an attempt to better understand my audience (and perhaps even understand the appeal of Project Runway a little more) -- I find a way to tap into my inner gay spirit that she believes all men inherently have.

Needless to say: I was dead-set against this. There are just certain things I don't want to discover, certain places of my soul I don't want to go to. I'm an "on the surface" kind of guy. I get twitchy when dealing with "deep feelings."

I'm straight. It's how God made me. Why must you judge?

Besides...

"I AM NOT WATCHING GAY PORN!!" I announced to Ramona.

Luckily, that's not what she had in mind. So after much back-and-forth, last night she took me (i.e., dragged me) to see the movie "Mamma Mia", where men who like men can watch various topless men sing and dance for no apparent reason.

And even with that, it was extraordinarily difficult to tap into my inner homosexual. At one point in the movie, Amanda Seyfried was sliding chest-first across the sand in this hot-as-hell one-piece bathing suit. Now, a little straight-man info for gay guys (straight women, too, can learn from this): In this bikini- and G-string-clad age of ours, it is ridiculously difficult to get a man foaming at the mouth wearing a one-piece. But Amanda Seyfried pulled it off like she was wearing nothing but pasties.

In fact, it stuns me that she plays a Mormon daughter on HBO's "Big Love." Were it not for the fact that I was in a happy, committed relationship (and/or didn't believe in bigamy) I'd leave my current life behind and become a grad student at BYU.

But despite these and other obstacles, I managed by the end of the movie to find a little of my deeply buried gayness (which, for the remainder of this blog, I will refer to as DBG) and made the following discovery:

If you put a loaded gun to my head and said I had to sex with a man if I didn't want my brains blow off (and came to the conclusion that this was not a fate worse than death), the man I'd choose to avoid this fate would be Pierce Bronsnan.

After all these years, the man's still got it. He's got those piercing eyes (no pun intended) that just look right through you. He meets my DBG height requirements, he's not bulky (my DBG isn't into the huge muscular look) and he still pulls off the whole "open collar, no tie" look that you just don't see anymore.

And when he took off his shirt at the end of Mamma Mia, my DBG joined the female members of the movie audience in the chorus entitled:

Damn.

Besides, Pierce also passes the "alley test."

The alley test is a test that straight men give in the rare (rare!!) times we judge the sex appeal of other men. The thinking is this: If you faced the man in question in the back of an alley, and you weren't afraid, then he ain't right for your DBG.

Brad Pitt? I could beat him senseless inside of 12 seconds. He fails the alley test.

John Stamos? Something tells me he can't take it to the body. He fails the alley test.

George Clooney? Close. But he's a bit too metrosexual. I can take him. He fails the alley test.

But Pierce Brosnan? Man, I gotta admit: I don't know. He's the thing that a lot of men fear most: The guy who doesn't look all that tough but nonetheless has a look about him that says "I know something you don't." Pierce in an alley would make me think, give me pause. And I believe he'd use that to his advantage and ram my head into a dumpster and take my wallet.

And according to my DBG: That's sexy.

So congratulations, Pierce. I would consider having sex with you if my life depended on it.

With that in mind:

I'm off to find doctored nude photos of Amanda. Cheers.

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