Episode 5: Hot Professional Women, Perceptions Of Sluttiness, And Other Sexist Remarks: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Before I go into tonight's episode, allow me a few paragraphs to tell you about a kid who -- with your help -- can become the next President of the United States. Or Hugh Hefner.

On June 18, my good friends Elly and Jeremy welcomed a baby boy into the world named Max Orion Treat. Though not even 2 months old, my man Max has already shown himself to be a future raging heterosexual (and thus, by definition, a Project Runway hater.) Apparently, although the kid still isn't quite the age where he can always focus both his eyes on the same object, there's this picture of a hula girl in the living room that little Max is fascinated by. With everything and everyone else, little Max's left and right pupils are all over the place. But with the hula girl, he's locked in, undressing her in his mind and thinking:

"You just wait till I can crawl, sweetheart."

Now the reason I bring all of this up is because Max's parents have entered him into a cutest baby contest, where the winner will receive a $20,000 college scholarship. I ask that you vote for Max to ensure that he undresses hula and other varieties of girls with his eyes in a post-secondary environment. To vote, go here, click on the letter "M" and choose Contestant 40. Then, just enter your e-mail address at the bottom and verify your vote in your Inbox.

Five easy steps. Less than half of an alcohol program. No problem.

So sometime between now and Aug. 17, vote for future Project Runway hater and male heartthrob Max. With your help, his gifted mind will one day go to college and find the cure for cancer.

Or a way to make firmer, longer-lasting breast implants.

Either way, the world's a better place.

With that said, the show is on:

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9:01 p.m. Keith hits the weights, lifting what I'm guessing is around 200 pounds. Meanwhile, Daniel, who can't understand why the Lakers wear the same jersey, is lifting 15-pound dumbbells. It's little things like these that make Keith my favorite.

9:01 p.m. Blayne says, "Team (Something) licious." I can't understand if it's drama or drumma. One other thing I'm not understanding: His blinding yellow hoodie. Listen, I wear $5 sandals from Payless that didn't even come in a box -- they were hanging on a rack -- and even I know a fashion faux pas when I see one.

9:01 p.m. You know what? I've accepted Heidi in a bun. She can be my librarian any day.

9:02 p.m. People keep asking me to mention Heidi Klum saying "Auf Wiedersehen" and how annoying it is. Here's the thing: I don't find it annoying at all. In fact, I didn't even notice it until someone pointed it out to me following Episode 3. In fact, every time she says it, it involves her kissing a model so it's actually something I've come to look forward to. It adds to my new librarian fantasy.

9:02 p.m. The designers will be designing for a high-powered, glamourous professional woman. Blayne's hoping it's not Hillary Clinton.

I really wouldn't worry too much.

9:03 p.m. Stella hopes the professional woman is Sharon Osborne. Really, I'm stunned.

9:03 p.m. Brooke Shields? What has she done in her life besides "Suddenly Susan" and Andre Agassi?

9:04 p.m. Watching Suede say "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins" was like watching a gay male friend of mine once stick his tongue in between two cherries. So very, very wrong.

9:04 p.m. Brooke's excited to be here. Of course she is. She now has a job.

9:04 p.m. So Brooke is on that "Lipstick Jungle" show. A quick Internet search has me come across some rather hot-looking photos of the main cast (Brooke included). I then come to find out that the characters are three of New York's most powerful women, which somehow makes them appear even hotter to me.

Is that sexist?

9:05 p.m. Designers in teams of two? You know what? I want to see Jerell matched up with Joe. If anyone can get Joe out of the closet...

9:06 p.m. Terri's design involves pants. Brooke loves pants.

I love the color blue.

9:07 p.m. I honestly can't figure out whether Keith is gay. Reasons to think he's gay: He's a boutique owner and he's into ruffles. Reasons to think he's straight: He lifts weights in camalflauge shorts and he loves Brooke Shields' legs.

It's really a toss-up.

9:07 p.m. Stella's design involves a corset. Brooke reminds her that a woman still needs to go to work in this. Stella looks confused.

Remember Brooke: Stella works with hookers and pimps. In her world, a corset means you're on the job.

9:08 p.m. Did Korto's hair get bigger? Seriously, that thing has grown two inches from last episode.

9:08 p.m. Joe has come up with a tuxedo-type shirt.

Closet gay.

9:08 p.m. Jerell, on the other hand, is comfortable with his sexual preference. You see the way he sings and bounces? Joe, look how happy he is.

9:10 p.m. Brooke is a little scared of Blayne. You said a mouthful, sister.

9:15 p.m. Keith picks Kenley to be on his team and says if she can keep her mouth shut and stick to sewing, they'll be fine.

He sounded straight there.

9:15 p.m. Ah man, Korto's hair picked Joe. Joe's never gonna announce, "OK fine, I'm gay!! Happy?" with her as a partner.

9:15 p.m. Stella gets picked last despite her obvious charm, wit and willingness to use bright colors.

9:16 p.m. Keith hates Kenley's fabric choices. Tim hates Kenley's fabric choices. Kenley will either put her foot down and demand her way, or say nothing, let it fester and blow up later at the worst possible time.

I'm guessing the latter.

9:17 p.m. Daniel's not a fan of leopard, black and lace. In short, everything partner Kelli is currently wearing.

Yeah, this pairing will work out just fine.

9:17 p.m. Tim underscores what an opportunity it is for the winner to have their design be worn on Lipstick Jungle. I, too, would be motivated if something I created was worn by a powerful, professional woman who made me want to make wild animal noises.

Is that sexist?

9:19 p.m. I have never seen Suede look this scared. He looks like he just saw the neighborhood bully come around the corner. Even Terri notices. She thinks he has "balls of a JJ." I got no clue what that is, but it sounds bad.

9:19 p.m. Blayne grew up in a small hometown and he stood out.

I know. I know.

9:20 p.m. Keith and Kenley remind me of a guy-girl pair who bicker like they're in a relationship, only without the sex.

In other words: A married couple.

9:21 p.m. Am I the only one fearful that Stella has a hammer in her hand? I mean, was that wise?

9:22 p.m. According to Kelli, Daniel made the skirt half "rooched" and the zipper all "swably."

This must be what it feels like when a woman who has zero interest in sports watches football. Just a bunch of weird phrases and whistles.

9:23 p.m. OK, Kelli has got to stop saying "Make it work." It's not your line, sweetheart. Next time Tim sees her, he should whack her on the back of the head and shout, "Make that work, $^*%$#$!!"

9:23 p.m. Suede: "Kel saprees."

Are those words?

9:24 p.m. Terri announces to everyone that Suede's shirt is horrible.

Kel saprees.

9:28 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Holla atcha boy."

Tim laughs.

They had a moment. How cute.

9:29 p.m. Tim is dubious over Kelli's design. Tim knows about her line stealing. It's etched on his face.

9:29 p.m. Tim likes the Suede-Terri design.

Kel saprees.

9:30 p.m. While Korto's hair is talking, I can swear that Tim steals a look at Joe that almost says: "He's gay, right?"

9:31 p.m. If Joe would just say, "Listen, I'm gay and I'm struggling to deal with it," I betcha Korto's hair would lay off on him a bit.

9:32 p.m. Kelli: "Make it work."

STOP IT!!!

9:33 p.m. Stella's wearing pink? I'm shocked. Honestly shocked.

9:33 p.m. Kenley is bagging on Daniel. Apparently, they haven't spoken since Daniel noticed she has breasts, and this is Kenley's way of dealing with the rejection.

9:33 p.m. Terri and Suede are now the best of friends. Must have been the group hug with Tim that bonded them.

9:35 p.m. Here's why I like Tim: He can say things like, "Some of you are still sewing, question mark" and still sound cool. I say things like that and I sound drunk.

9:41 p.m. Heidi. Hair down. Pink top.

An image of paddles just entered my thoughts.

Is that sexist?

9:44 p.m. Nice to see that Leanne is continuing the "hand-me-down look" tradition that Jennifer started.

9:46 p.m. What is it with Jerell's clothes when he meets the judges? Last week, it was Robin Hood. This week, he looks like he's auditioning to be a waiter at Medieval Times.

9:47 p.m. The judges hate the fact that Kelli and Daniel's design looks slutty. The sluttiness actually makes it my top choice. Me and Michael Kors should do a show together entitled "Perceptions."

9:47 p.m. Daniel has impeccable taste, according to Daniel. Kenley laughs hysterically. Daniel, lesson learned: Next time, call the girl the following day.

9:49 p.m. The judges rip Leanne and Blayne, and Blayne tries to defend himself by basically telling the judges, "Hey, you guys know I'm a psycho and haven't tanned in weeks."

Classic. Absolutely classic.

9:51 p.m. Brooke gets on the "is that a word" bandwagon:

"Labretti."

????

9:56 p.m. Keith and Kenley win!! Ruffles prevail!!

9:57 p.m. Jerell and Stella move on. Jerell is off to joust.

9:57 p.m. Blayne has left Heidi speechless. Like that's a first.

9:58 p.m. Blayne is in, and he actually looks disappointed. For Christ's sake, just put a tanning bed into his room and make his day.

9:59 p.m. Kelli's out. Jerell looks like his dog died. Pull it together, man. Jesus.

Final thoughts:

Kelli didn't deserve to go home. Forget the facts that she won once in the past and got unfairly blamed for Daniel's "swably" zippers. Kelli was the closest thing to "hot as hell" female on this show, huge tattoo on her right arm aside. What am I supposed to do now?

Beyond that, a particularly boring episode this week. Usually, I can find one main thing to harp on -- Suede on Suede, Joe's inner struggles, Stella ... (that's it. Just Stella) -- that will kill 30 minutes. But this episode was all over the place. That, combined with Tim's lack of "make it work"(s) in recent weeks, made Episode 5 a tough one to get through.

I need some bones here, people!! Perhaps Heidi can start wearing leather.

Is that sexist?

Until next time.