Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Episode 6: Drag Queens In Drag, Drag Queens Not In Drag, And Celebrity Drag Queen Judges: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

My friend Elly and I were talking last week about my Project Runway Hater blog and Elly -- who watched the first season of PR -- summed the show up this way:

It both fascinated me and disgusted me at the same time. Like a multi-car pile-up, with glitter and empty personalities and the smell of cheap wine.

Mostly the glitter.

I'd have gone with mostly cheap wine, but the effect is more or less the same.

And speaking of cheap wine, I'm guessing I'll have to down a bottle or two to get through tonight's episode: Drag Queens (I'm fighting the urge to hurl).

On (reluctantly) with the show:

9:01 p.m. Could you imagine being one of Stella's kids and being woken up by her in the morning when she looks like that? Those kids won't have to be coaxed into going to school. They'll be running out of the door, mark my words.

9:01 p.m. Joe doesn't think Keith should've won the last challenge. "It was raw-cut swatches of chiffon. How innovative."

If that doesn't scream "Closet Gay"...

9:01 p.m. Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that Blayne is wearing a shirt that says "Poolboy"?

9:01 p.m. Heidi in a sleek black top and tight pants. To quote Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman: "God must've been a $*&^%$# genius."

By the way: If you're tired of me remarking on how hot Heidi looks during every episode recap...

...too damn bad.

9:02 p.m. We see the shadow of what we know is going to be a drag queen but what looks like a roided-out walrus, and Suede and I both have the same reaction:

"What the %$#%*& is that?"

9:02 p.m. Hold up a sec: This "guy", Chris March, used to be on the show? And people wonder why I can't take this crap seriously.

9:02 p.m. Don't be blowing kisses at Heidi, Chris!! Jesus, now when I try to imagine Heidi kissing the female models, images of this psycho will invade my thoughts.

9:02 p.m. Drag Queen question: Shouldn't Chris shave the goatee? I mean, doesn't that kind of ruin the mystique?

9:02 p.m. Chris: "In case you haven't guessed yet, your next challenge is about designing an outfit for a drag queen."

Yes Chris, I gathered.

9:02 p.m. Blayne: "Too much drama."

For once, Poolboy and I are in agreement.

9:02 p.m. Terri loves drag queens.

She loaded up this morning.

9:03 p.m. Oh God, a double hideous moment: The drag queens come out and start talking about romance and eating sequins for breakfast, and Terri licks her lips. Man, that was disgusting. I hope children aren't watching.

9:03 p.m. One of the drag queens is known as New York City's big-titted honky soul momma.

That will keep me up nights.

9:04 p.m. Was it really necessary to show the crotch area of one of the queens? I mean, honestly...

9:04 p.m. I like Varla Jean Merman. She looks the most normal, plus she describes herself as a southern Ann Margaret on steroids. I can buy into that. Maybe it's because I'm a sports fan and the juice is an everyday subject, but it makes sense to me.

9:04 p.m. For the second week in a row, Keith makes a comment about a great set of legs. I'm telling you, he's a straight man in a gay mormon's body.

9:05 p.m. Joe picks Varla because by picking the most normal looking one, he's hoping to hide his gayness for one more week.

You can run, Joe, but you can't hide.

9:05 p.m. The big-titted honky soul momma warns Korto that he may rot her teeth. And honestly, I think that's a threat he can back up.

9:05 p.m. Terri picks Acid Betty.


9:06 p.m. Tim: "Each drag queen has a very particular persona."


9:08 p.m. Blayne pairing with the drag queen who looks like she puts on makeup with a paint roller is a recipe for disaster. You heard it here first.

9:08 p.m. Stella plans to add metal in her outfit. Surprise surprise.

9:08 p.m. Annida Greenkard's hair puts Korto's hair to shame. The cameras aren't showing it, but I know those two are sizing each other up.

9:10 p.m. Korto has a big ass. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

9:11 p.m. A straight man would not be dancing with fake boobies like Joe did just now.

9:11 p.m. Daniel just asked Kenley to take her bra off so he could put it on his mannequin. That's typical of today's men: Showing interest in a girl, ignoring the girl for days, and then paying her attention again when the sap rises.

9:11 p.m. All of this is way out of Korto's comfort zone. Her and me both.

9:12 p.m. Joe is wearing pink.

9:12 p.m. Stella thinks Blayne knows nothing. Stella speaks for all of us.

9:12 p.m. You know what's sad? Blayne is wearing pink fabric in a sort of whacked-out Little Red Riding Hood look, and I'm not even fazed.

9:18 p.m. You know why Jerell's gonna win this challenge? Because he's the only one who hasn't blinked once at this task. Everyone else (except Terri. But she's high.) is like, "Oh my God, I'm making clothes for drag queens!! What do I do?" every other minute, but Jerell is just getting it done.

9:19 p.m. OK, theory on Keith: The whole gay mormon thing is a bunch of B.S. Do you see the way he's pettin' that mannequin? The dude has done this before...with ladies.

I'm not knockin' him for this, mind you. If anything, it makes him my favorite all the more.

9:20 p.m. Tim returns with an old friend.

"Make it work."

Thank you, Tim.

9:20 p.m. Seeing the drag queens without their drag queen wear is almost more disturbing.

Hey, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

9:22 p.m. Stella's drag queen....ewwww!!

9:22 p.m. Dude, I gotta say: Hedda Lettuce is cracking me up.

"Whatever I'm saying is out of love, unconditional and pure. Just get it right."

Sounds like almost everyone of my ex-girlfriends.

9:27 p.m. Chris' hair is fake, right?

9:28 p.m. Tim to Blayne: "It looks like it's a terradactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park."

Is that good or bad here?

9:30 p.m. Daniel loves what Daniel's created. Did you know that Daniel has impeccable taste.

9:30 p.m. Difference between me and Blayne: He tries on Daniel's dress without blinking. If Daniel asked me to do that, he'd be impeccably laid out on the floor.

9:32 p.m. Seeing Keith's drag queen in a bra has created one of those, "I can't look, yet I cannot turn away" moments for me.

9:33 p.m. Hedda Lettuce just wants to let bygones be bygones.

I love spelling Hedda Lettuce. It's fun.

9:34 p.m. Tim asks if we're ready for the most fabulous show in the history of Project Runway.

I gotta admit: I'm not sure.

9:38 p.m. Heidi says hello. I drool.

9:38 p.m. Heidi points out that there are currently 11 designers, and soon there will be 10.

If she was ugly, she'd sound stupid. But since she's hot, she sounds cute.

9:39 p.m. Who the %^$#&$ is Rupaul?

9:39 p.m. Rupaul is really getting into the first drag queen on stage, moving her shoulders like she's watching a stripper.

I will never be the same after this.

9:40 p.m. Blayne's gay Jurassic Park look does scream "drag queen." I'll give him that.

9:40 p.m. Hedda Lettuce walks.

Hedda Lettuce!!

Write it down one time. It will make you smile.

9:41 p.m. To anyone who thinks Terri was sober when she made her outfit, I have some magic beans I want to sell you.

9:42 p.m. Poor Korto's drag queen. He doesn't look good as either a male or female. Must be tough.

9:45 p.m. Must we talk about "candy" during this challenge?

9:46 p.m. Michael Kors is surprised that Jerell's dress looks kind of normal. And you know what else? Jerell is dressed kind of normal, too. No Idi Amin hat. No Robin Hood or medieval ensemble. Spooky.

9:47 p.m. OK, Korto's dress did not give her drag queen a Heidi Klum body. I mean, that is just not true. Is Seal watching? He should complain.

9:48 p.m. Rupaul puts down Daniel to the point where Daniel basically shuts up.

I like Rupaul.

9:55 p.m. The public has voted. They'd rather see Tim in drag than Michael Kors. Michael has those child-bearing hips, but Tim's facial features would "make it work."

9:56 p.m. Joe wins.

Closet gay.

9:56 p.m. OK, I know there's no way Keith is gonna get voted off before Daniel, but still, I needlessly worry.

9:57 p.m. Daniel's out. 'Bout time.

9:57 p.m. You know what's great here? Daniel, a guy who was really starting to annoy me, gets voted out, and Heidi is the one who says it. I actually rewind to hear Heidi say it three or four times. It makes her hotter in my book.

9:58 p.m. Jesus, Keith is taking this hard.

Maybe he is gay.

Final thoughts:

As far as I'm concerned, Daniel's ousting was a week overdue. Other than lusting over Kenley's breasts here and there, did he really bring anything to the table?

But the real story here is this: I survived the drag queen episode. I know many of you had your doubts. It wasn't easy, but I hung tough, went to my happy place when necessary, and dug deep to pull through.

Now if you excuse me:

I'm off to hurl.


Another Suburban Mom said...

I am glad you made it through. I will send you some chocolate chip cookies with m&m's in them to make it all better.

I too found the DQ's scary w/o their makeup. It was like seeing Oz behind the curtain.

I too am glad that Daniel went home. Not having to see that mopey mug again until the reunion show makes my day.

You can expound on Heidi's hotness all you want. Heck, write an essay comparing her hotness to Nina Garcia, or any of the other Victoria Secret models.

Jessie David Leger said...

I think Rupaul should be the guest judge every week. She's fabulous and catty. Do you really not know who she is??? Hint: "Supermodel (You Better Work)" Look it up. Put it on your iPod. Dance to it naked. You'll feel great.

Hedda Lettuce.

Side-note: My husband is in agreement with you. No drag queen has the body of Mrs. Seal.

Anonymous said...

dude, I think you were high when you watched this episode. You missed several great parts ... like when Suede went all clockwork orange talking about his grandfather sprinkling seeds, and Varla's don't ask, don't tell line. Man up!

Nev said...

No straight guy has seen Clockwork Orange

Stephanie said...

Nev, the Freshman classes of NYU, USC and UCLA film schools just ordered a hit on you. Rent A Clockwork Orange.

Hedda Lettuce.

I love Rupaul too. She looked fantastic last night.

And judging by Keith's reaction to not getting eliminated, I can't wait to see him get Auf'd. I've got five bucks that says he has a complete mental breakdown.