Episode 7: Keith Starts Crackin', Leanne's Temporary Hotness And Ratbones (Yes, Ratbones): A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

Following my post a few days ago about the movie "A Clockwork Orange" and my list of great 1970s movies, I received some interesting feedback from some friends of mine:

Friend # 1:

Dude, what are you talking about? Clockwork Orange rocks!!"

Closet Gay. Boy, you think you know somebody.

Friend # 2:

I can't believe you didn't include "Star Wars" in your list of good 1970s movies.

Admittedly, an oversight on my part. Apologies to George Lucas.

And Friend # 3:

I don't get how Sylvester Stallone is boxing in the first movie and then becomes a Vietnam soldier in the sequel. It's just....oh wait. Those are two different movies? Ohhhh!!

That friend likes Project Runway.

FYI.

And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. It better be affordable, that's all I got to say.

9:02 p.m. Heidi in stripes. I think of candy canes.

9:03 p.m. Joe keeps Topacio. For the next five minutes, I won't refer to him as a closet gay.

Topacio.

9:03 p.m. Terri has replaced Stella this week as most hideous person to look at. She looks like the later stages of Whitney Houston during the Bobby Brown era.

9:05 p.m. I see cars. Nev likes cars. Boys play with cars.

9:05 p.m. Blayne: "What are we gonna use a car for?" Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:05 p.m. Chris Webb looks like a skinnier, better-dressed version of that gay guy on Sex and The City.

9:05 p.m. Two things: 1) Stella's black sleeves have once again given her the "top ugly girl" spot. And 2) Why the hell are they forcing them to make an outfit out of car parts? What, seat belts for straps? A bra made out of headlights? Do you get extra points for making the dress more fuel-efficient?

9:06 p.m. Kenley points out that the stuff in the car is stuff that cars are made out of.

You know, now that Daniel is gone, Kenley can't play the "It's OK that I'm stupid, because someone has discovered I have boobies" card."

9:07 p.m. Blayne is getting inspiration from seat belts. Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:07 p.m. Suede has so many whack-a-doodle things that he doesn't know what's he gonna do.

I shiver.

9:08 p.m. Stella's not moving. Stella is taking a stand.

With her ugly sleeves.

9:08 p.m. Leanne has no clue what she's going to do. Like that's unusual.

9:10 p.m. What will Keith do without ruffles? I wonder.

9:10 p.m. Stella is confused and has to let ideas come into her head.

Good luck.

9:10 p.m. In one long monologue, Suede said "whack-a-doodle," referred to himself as Suede, and said "I'm bleedin' it, baby."

God, I hate this show.

9:15 p.m. I'll say this for Stella: I like that hat. That hat works. It's all that hanging out with Jerell. That must be it.

9:16 p.m. I don't mean to insult the dead, but Whack-a-doodle boy has got to stop with all the references to deceased relatives. Last week, it was Grandpa. This week, it was Dad. Next week, it will be Aunt Dottie. The week after, it will be Fido. The week after that, it'll be his aroma-therapist who is "like my little sister. Aroma-therapist person, I love you (blows a kiss to the ceiling)."

9:16 p.m. Is anyone else bored by this episode right now? I mean, no one is saying anything interesting, no one is doing anything interesting, Tim's nowhere to be seen, and we're not gonna see Heidi in anything hot for another 30 minutes. It's a tough time right now.

9:18 p.m. Jerell is "whistlin' Dixie." I'm happy for him.

9:18 p.m. Whoa!! Leanne's dress is hot. And she's wearing makeup this week. She's trying to fill the eye-candy" void since Kelli left. I like that initiative.

9:19 p.m. Terri doesn't want to go back to her old job. Which I'm guessing involves illegal means.

9:20 p.m. Kenley loses her model. Kenley loses her man. Kenley loses her virginity. It's been a busy season for Kenley.

9:26 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Love your face." Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:26 p.m. Tim likes Jerell's design. Let's all whistle Dixie.

9:29 p.m. Keith says he has to show the judges a refined pallet. Tim says he's got to believe in it. Neither is stating the obvious: KEITH NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING!! All he has on his table are strips of car seat. Aren't you, like, supposed to tie something together by this point in the episode? Now, you all know Keith's my boy so it pains me to write this, but it seems like the lack of ruffles is getting to him.

9:29 p.m. Tim: "Don't lose your trajectory."

I won't.

9:30 p.m. Korto's design looks like a psychedelic strait jacket.

9:30 p.m. Jerell: "Terri has two faces." Ugly and horrifying.

9:30 p.m. Keith swore. Twice. Not good.

9:31 p.m. Stella's boyfriend is named Ratbones.

Wow.

9:32 p.m. It's funny watching Korto brush her hair. Like she's hoping it will actually move.

9:33 p.m. Leanne is back to the hand-me-down look and is no longer hot. Well, we'll always have the memories.

9:34 p.m. How dare Keith's model sit down!! I mean, how dare she!!

9:34 p.m. Ratbones.

Jesus.

9:34 p.m. Leanne stuffs her female model's underwear. Well, that's a first.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's got the wind-swept look working. Beats the bun look any day.

9:40 p.m. The guest judge is a stylist named Rachel Zoe. She's not a has-been actress, speed skater or transvestite. How am I supposed to make fun of her?

9:40 p.m. What's up with Jerell's model's eyebrows? See, this is why you need a straight-guy consultant on this show, to avoid things like this.

9:41 p.m. I really wish Terri would stop dancing every time her model walks down the runway. It's creepy.

9:41 p.m. Leanne's dress is hot. Unlike Leanne.

9:42 p.m. Korto loves her seat belt strait jacket. So do the folks at Arkham Asylum.

9:42 p.m. Did Blayne just say "Blayne-guage?" Am I hearing things? Because even for him, that's a little off.

9:42 p.m. Stella's dress is shown.

Ratbones.

Ratbones, people.

9:43 p.m. I just noticed that Terri is wearing a Yoko Ono shirt. That fits.

9:45 p.m. Michael Kors: "I am never a car wash skirt or dress fan." And really, who is?

9:45 p.m. Heidi wagged her finger. Seal's a lucky, lucky man.

9:46 p.m. The judges like Korto's strait jacket? Is this one of those "I'm looking at a piece of art and I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be, so I'm just going to pretend that I love it and that it speaks to me so I don't sound stupid" type deals?

9:47 p.m. The judges think Stella's design is random. Much like Ratbones.

9:48 p.m. Keith is mouthing off to the judges. Another favorite of mine is about to bite the dust.

9:56 p.m. Leanne wins. She should celebrate by wearing her dress and some makeup and dancing on a pole.

At least, that's my opinion.

9:57 p.m. The bottom two: Keith and Stella. The Gay Moron vs. Ratbone's bitch. Who will survive?

9:57 p.m. Stella remains. Ratbones cheers.

Final thoughts:

OK, Ratbones? Seriously? Ratbones? How many of you fell out of your chair? My jaw literally hit the floor. Every week, Stella never ceases to amaze me. Whether it's how she looks when she first wakes up in the morning, or watching her use a hammer like she wields it to keep Ratbones in line, Stella keeps me on my toes every episode. She's never boring, I'll give her that.

As for the episode: Although I liked Keith earlier, he started annoying me the last couple of episodes. What happened to the cool guy who lifted heavy weights and took pictures of himself just because? I liked that Keith. But lately, he was replaced by whiny Ruffle boy. He had to go.

Ratbones.

Ratbones!!

I'm seriously at a loss.

(shakes his head)

Until next time.