Blayne's Tanorexia, The First Straight Male Celebrity Judge, And Jerell's Tribute To Idi Amin: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

To my knowledge, I've done nothing in my life that goes under the category of "moral damnation." So God must be punishing me for prior-life sins. It turns out that this week's episode of Project Runway falls on Aug. 6, my birthday. Now my first instinct is to say: "Screw it, let me enjoy my birthday. The blog can wait a night." But due to my shameless promotion of this blog, people are actually reading it. For which I say thank you...

...and damn you. :-)

Plus, because my birthday falls smack dab in the middle of the work week, drinking large quantities of booze to get me through this episode is also out. So I'm calling on the next-best thing. By my side this evening is a large Meat Lover's Plus pizza from Pizza Hut; the idea being that I'll consume enough grease to put me in enough of an alcohol-like stupor to get me through the episode.

One can only hope.

With that said, here we go:

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9:01 p.m. Few women look good with their hair in a bun, and Heidi Klum is no exception. Women with their hair in a bun makes a man think of librarians. And have you ever seen a hot librarian?

Exactly.

9:02 p.m. Of course Kenley is going to stay with her winning model. Why would anyone not choose their winning model? It's like being a manager of a major league baseball team, having your star pitcher win 20 games for you, and then telling him, "Great job. Now get out my sight. There's a minor leaguer I want to bring up in your place." Tell me you're not seriously on pins and needles during this portion of the episode?

9:02 p.m. Back to the "women with their hair in a bun" thing for a second. You know what the other issue is? A man can't have the "pull the hair" fantasy when he sees a woman with a bun. That's a huge detriment to a woman's sex appeal.

I hope straight women reading this are taking notes. I'm giving you pearls here.

9:03 p.m. Jerell hopes the next challenge has nothing to do with female wrestlers. OK, that's a random concern.

9:03 p.m. Hair of Korto guesses that this will be a "boogie-down challenge."

Suede: "Suede loves that."

Work week be damned, where's the booze?

9:03 p.m. A "can of worms" moment:

Tim to Blayne: "How often do you like to tan?"

I fear the response.

9:03 p.m. Blayne likes to tan every other day. While others go to the gym, he says, he goes tanning.

Blayne: "I just want to go tanning."

(dramatic pause)

"Please."

Somebody help this man.

9:04 p.m. Whoa!! They're on a track. Can this be a sports challenge? I was a sportswriter back in the day, you know. Plus, I'm a straight man. I'm into physicality.

9:04 p.m. Oh Jesus. Just when I think this might actually be a "manly" challenge, they show a speed skater going around the track. Might as well be watching a ballet.

9:04 p.m. Wait, I take it back. It's Apolo Anton Ohno. I remember him from "Dancing With The Stars." He danced with Julianne Hough. She's a hottie. Apollo's OK in my book.

9:05 p.m. The challenge is women's wear for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics.

Tim: "This is an opportunity for you to consider how you would present the United States to the rest of the world."

I shudder to think what Stella will come up with. I'm guessing something involving bats.

9:06 p.m. Insight from Blayne:

"The Olympics are humongous. So big."

Thank you, Blayne.

9:06 p.m. I still can't decide whether Stella looks more or less hideous without makeup. It's like deciding whether to take the nerdy girl or the fat girl to prom. Both are horrific, but in different ways.

9:06 p.m. Apolo will be the guest judge. Finally, someone representing someone like me on some level.

9:07 p.m. Joe has watched every Olympic opening ceremony since he was 12.

Closet gay.

9:07 p.m. Terri's thinking classic Americana sportswear. Let's see what she's thinking after a line or two.

9:07 p.m. Stella -- who has just pointed out that she likes leather (as she's contractually obligated to do in every show) -- is thinking: "Bold. Progressive. Aero-dynamic. That's, like, gladiator."

Yikes.

9:08 p.m. Jennifer is thinking jogging suit. Jerell is thinking hats for women. These should join forces. Make a bold statement.

9:09 p.m. Tim seems stunned that Stella is using black. Tim...c'mon.

9:09 p.m. Did Keith take Terri's fabric? Or did Terri imagine that Keith took her fabric? Are substances involved here?

9:14 p.m. Stella says that representing America is serious business. As she wears spikes.

9:14 p.m. Want proof that there are gays in sports?

Closet Gay Joe: "I played football."

There.

9:15 p.m. Daniel's not really into anything regarding sports. That's a shock.

9:15 p.m. Daniel thinks that sports uniforms make everyone look a bit generic.

Daniel: That's. The. Point.

9:15 p.m. Blayne: "In tanning, I'm an Olympic athlete."

Agreed.

9:16 p.m. Jerell is worried that Blayne is becoming "tanorexic". But luckily, points out Jerell, Blayne has that blond highlighted hair that's keeping him alive.

That helps me sleep at night.

9:17 p.m. Jennifer has decided to stay true to her style and make doll clothes. Good for her.

9:17 p.m. Leanne doesn't think that Stella's outfit has anything to do with the Olympics. Oh gee, you don't think so? I kind of thought the black she was using would tap into the Olympic biker market.

9:18 p.m. Last week, we found out Keith liked taking pictures of himself. This week, we find out Keith was a gymnast. Every week, there's one more thing to like about Keith.

9:18 p.m. Daniel looks at Kenley's breasts. Kenley laughs. It's the first time Daniel's looked at breasts. It's the first Kenley's had her breasts looked at.

9:18 p.m. OK, at the risk of getting too graphic: Was Daniel feeling Kenley's...privates? Um...um...
9:19 p.m. A serious thing for a second. Kudos to Korto for making a life for herself here in America following her hard upbringing in Liberia. Seriously, I think that's awesome and it's nice to hear that this country really is a dream for a lot of people.

9:25 p.m. Blayne and I have something in common. Tim said his design was looking a bit "Sargeant Pepper" and neither of us have a clue what that is. A generational gap, apparently.

9:27 p.m. You know what? Jerell needs to go back to wearing hats. He looks good in hats. Hats work for him. Jerell: Hats.

9:27 p.m. Jennifer's design looks like something from "Leave It To Beaver." Maybe she's aiming to impress the judges with a "I'm gonna make you homemade cookies" vibe.

9:28 p.m. Did Tim's "Make It Work" work for you this week? Because I'll be honest: I didn't feel the energy this time. I hope he's not sick.

9:28 p.m. Kenley thinks that Daniel's design doesn't need a bolero. Daniel's wondering whether the bolero really works.

What's a bolero? Is it a pepper?

9:29 p.m. You know what's sad? Suede says that Joe's obsession with someone else using his sewing machine -- when there are 12 others available -- is "whack-a-doodle" and I actually agree. Personally, I think the strain of being in the closet so long is getting to Joe. Just come out, son. Your daughters will still love you.

9:30 p.m. Joe says there's too many queens around, and that proves my point. Him outing gays is just a defense mechanism to try and make himself feel and appear more straight. C'mon, my gay readers, tell me I'm onto something here.

9:30 p.m. Joe is ironing, for cryin' out loud!!

9:31 p.m. Kenley appears much more worried about Daniel ever since he noticed she had breasts. Kenley found a man who focuses on her boobies and she doesn't want to let him go.

9:32 p.m. Joe thinks the judges are looking for red, white and blue in clothes that represent the U.S. Olympics.

I concur.

9:32 p.m. Jerell made a hat for his model. Jerell needs to make a hat for himself. Jerell looks good in hats.

9:33 p.m. Understatement of the episode, from Terri:

"I think Jennifer is in trouble."

Uh...yeah.

9:38 p.m. Even with the short black dress, Heidi Klum doesn't do it for me when her hair's in a bun. See ladies, that's how much a bun can hurt you.

9:38 p.m. So for the last 20 minutes, I talk about how Jerell should go back to wearing hats, and what does he do? He picks something out of the Idi Amin collection. It's like he's trying to spite me.

9:40 p.m. Someone needs to tell Kelli that the competition wasn't supposed to represent "Live At The USO." Her design looks like something you'd see on a 1940s pinup calendar for boys going off to war.

9:40 p.m. Say this for Joe's design: It's American. He's got the USA logo and everything.

Speaking of Joe, guess who's wearing his clothes?

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. I can't decide which is worse: Jerell's Idi Amin hat or his design? In either case, what the...

9:41 p.m. You know what? I rag on Stella endlessly, but I'll say this: For the past three weeks, her finished product hasn't been nearly as hideous as her garbage bag dress. That's not saying much, I know, but still.

9:42 p.m. Doesn't Blayne's outfit look like something you'd wear to the tanning salon?

9:43 p.m. OK, here's why I worry about Jennifer this week. She's wearing a bulky sweater, ugly shirt, red heels and no makeup. I know she's a "sympathy vote" expert, but you can only go to the well so many times.

9:45 p.m. Man, even Apolo's rippin' on Jen's design. Now you know it's bad.

9:46 p.m. Daniel and the judges argue whether Daniel's blue is blue. And people wonder why I hate this show.

9:48 p.m. Daniel to Korto's hair: "The linen is very unique."

He has no idea what he's saying. He's just trying to sound like he does. It works, mind you. But I just wanted to point that out.

9:48 p.m. Jerell's design. Good. Lord. Me and Michael Kors start laughing.

9:50 p.m. Apolo thinks Jerell had a hard time grasping the whole "athletic" thing. Jerell's just having a bad week all around. His outfit sucks. The hat he's wearing sucks. And looking at what he's wearing a bit more closely, the words "Robin Hood" come to mind.

9:56 p.m. Korto's hair prevails. Yippee.

9:57 p.m. Jerell survives, and even he looks stunned. Now he's off to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Start with that hat.

9:57 p.m. Heidi says Daniel's dress is purple. The whole "blue" debate continues.

9:57 p.m. Jen's gone. And the fans of doll clothes mourn.

Final thoughts:

I wish they would let Blayne tan during one of these episodes, so he'll stop talking for a half-hour. Plus, I wouldn't mind if Joe ended up winning it all, if only because he'll use the stage to announce his true sexual preference. But I'm really disappointed with Jerell and Tim. Neither brought their A-game this week. Jerell's Hat-Dar was way off on all levels, and Tim's "Make It Work" just didn't give me the inspiration I was looking for on my birthday.

And you know what else? As much as I like Apolo, it's more fun to have a celebrity judge I can make fun of. Here's hoping we have no more straight male judges. Cuz it just don't work.

Until next time.