The Mainstream Media Has Taken Notice!! A Project Run(A)Way Special News Bulletin

After only a few weeks, Project Run(A)way has already proven my theory that this blog will be successful because a) people love to hate things; and b) people love to read about other people hating things.

Bobby Hankinson, whose Project Runway blog for the Houston Chronicle offers lovers of the show a more "earnest approach," has cited projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com on his latest entry.

The Houston Chronicle!!

That's, like, a newspaper.

That people still read!!

Thanks, Bobby, for giving me credibility.

Now the world will do what I say.

Episode 2: Suede On Suede, Natalie Portman Talks Endlessly, And Topacio!! A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

After reading my inaugural recap on last week's season premiere of Project Runway, I enjoyed the following exchange with my mom Joyce, a Project Runway lover:

Joyce: I can't believe you don't like Project Runway!!

Nev: Why? Because I don't enjoy plastic cup dresses, clothes made out of garbage bags and Willy Wonka cross dressers?

Joyce: Austin does not look like Willy Wonka.

Nev: Oh Jesus, Mom, open your eyes. The guy wears top hats, scarves and purple. He's a psycho.

Joyce: (sigh) You like football, but you don't like Project Runway.

Nev: Yeah well...what?

Joyce: Football. You like football!!

(pause)

Nev: And this relates to clothing made out of table cloths...how?

Joyce: (exasperated) Nevin, hello? What do football players wear?

(pause)

Nev: Um...pads?

Joyce: Pads, helmets, UNIFORMS!!

(dead silence)

Joyce: Hello, uniforms? Jerseys? That's fashion. What is Project Runway about? Fashion!! See the connection?

(another pause)

Nev: My God, you're actually serious.

If this is a sign of future Project Runway conversations to come, then someone please repeatedly beat my head against Blayne's tanning bed until I hemorrhage.

Seriously.

With that in mind, Episode 2 is about to begin:

-----

9:01 p.m. Suede: "Any decision with Suede not going home is the right decision." I beg to differ, Whack-A-Doodle.

9:01 p.m. I'm not sure what looks worse: The dark green concoction Stella's drinking or Stella herself. If she loses, she could probably star in "The Nightmare Before Christmas" sequel.

9:02 p.m. So earlier this week, a buddy of mine -- who shall remain nameless in case his wife reads this blog -- says to me, "Yeah Nev, this show sucks. But Heidi Klum is hot. Those legs are awesome, bro." And so when Heidi Klum appears on camera, I look at her legs...

...and see they're covered up.

I guess this show does cater to straight women and gay men.

9:03 p.m. Joe picks Topacio as his model.

Topacio.

Tell me that's a stage name.

9:03 p.m. Jennifer picks Jerell's model and Jerell is "salty." Is that...um, bad?

9:05 p.m. Blayne says Paulina is golden. Much like Blayne.

9:05 p.m. OK, this whole "save the environment" thing has gone too far. First, I found out earlier today that the city of Los Angeles plans to ban shopping bags beginning in 2010. And now Tim says that the cocktail dresses for tonight's episode will be made out of "environmentally responsible textiles." Enough already.

9:05 p.m. Leanne says she always uses environmentally friendly fabric. I want to hit her over the head with styrofoam.

9:06 p.m. Tim is about to announce a Project Runway First. I hope I don't wet my pants.

9:06 p.m. OMG!!! THE MODELS ARE GOING TO DO THE SHOPPING!!! Luckily for them, Stella's garbage bag fiasco from last week sets the bar low.

9:06 p.m. OK I'm sorry, but Stella complaining about someone else picking out her fabric is like listening to someone complain that Bill Gates is investing their money. May she be damned to spend the rest of her life making clothes for pimps and prostitutes!!

Oh wait...

9:06 p.m. Joe to Topacio: "You better get some gooood stuff."

Not very interesting, I know. But I just wanted an excuse to write "Topacio" again.

9:07 p.m. The cover of Elle magazine is shown, with Mary Kate Olsen on it. Now that's just unnecessary.

9:07 p.m. One of the models says to a store clerk: "I'm looking for color."

Wow.

9:08 p.m. Model Runa gets peacock feathers. I feel a Tim "Make it work" moment coming on.

9:09 p.m. Jerell uses the phrase "Remnants of nonsense." You know, that's not bad. I'm gonna steal that.

9:09 p.m. My TV is covered in hair. The camera must be on Korto.

9:09 p.m. Kenley starts talking about jersey fabric. Now, what the hell is jersey fabric? Is this one of those "all straight women and gay men instinctly know what that is, but straight males don't" things, or are you as lost as I am? You can be honest. We don't judge here.

9:09 p.m. Keith: "What am I gonna do with peacock feathers and peacock trim?" I hear ya, Keith. Peacock feathers are remnants of nonsense.

9:10 p.m. Suede wants to put Suede into his dress. Nev wants to puke in Nev's toilet.

9:10 p.m. Stella's model is earthy, but Stella is urban. How will they co-exist?

9:11 p.m. Stella has no strategy. Yeah, that's a first.

9:16 p.m. Blayne called Heidi Klum "Darthlicious." If George Lucas is watching, please sue him for copyright infringment.

9:17 p.m. Joe is frustrated that Topacio only got him 2 yards of fabric.

Topacio.

9:18 p.m. Stella is aiming to make a dress that looks like her. I weep for her model.

9:18 p.m. Stella: "The judges need to know who I am." Can't they just watch re-runs of Tales From The Crypt?

9:18 p.m. "Suede decides to cut out all these strips. Suede loves that." What else do you love, Suede?

9:18 p.m. Good Lord, he did not just seriously answer my question.

"Suede loves long walks on the beach and loves working with small pieces of fabric."

He also says he's bi-sexual. I refuse to believe he's been with women. I mean...no.

9:19 p.m. Suede: "Suede's really sad."

Keith: "That's great, dude."

I like Keith. He's my new favorite.

9:20 p.m. Korto's hair is concerned.

9:21 p.m. Tim's here. Make it work. Make it work.

9:21 p.m. Tim tells Hair of Korto to work. But not to "make it work."

I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

9:21 p.m. Suede tells Tim he's a little crazy.

Tim: "Crazy how?"

Tim. C'mon.

9:22 p.m. Tim can't hide the truth from me. He tells Suede he's excited about his crepe paper of a dress. But his eyes say "Good Lord, you're a moron. And your blue mohawk is ugly."

9:23 p.m. Camera on Joe.

Topacio.

9:24 p.m. NO IMMUNITY!! WINNER'S DRESS TO BE SOLD!! YET-TO-BE-ANNOUNCED HOLLYWOOD STAR TO BE A JUDGE!!!

I gotta pee.

9:28 p.m. Suede and Blayne are making fun of Stella. It's like watching a science nerd and a math dork make fun of a computer geek.

9:29 p.m. Keith is making Daniel's bed. Mmm-hmm.

9:31 p.m. YES!!! Tim said, "Make it work." My spirits are lifted.

9:31 p.m. Gotta say this about Tim here: Great suit. See how good someone can look when you ignore environmentally responsible textiles?

9:32 p.m. Suede calls his model the "Hostess with the Mostess." Can someone hit him with a Whack-A-Doodle?

9:33 p.m. Wesley and Daniel are concerned. Personally, if one of them went home...I'd get by.

9:33 p.m. I've discovered a vicious cycle. I hate Suede. Suede knows I hate Suede. Yet Suede knows that whenever Suede talks about Suede, I write about it. Which gives Suede the publicity that Suede is looking for.

Suede has me between a rock and a hard place. And Suede knows it.

9:38 p.m. WHOA!!! Heidi looks hot as hell!! Finally, something for the straight guy.

9:39 p.m. Heidi has spoken for a full minute, and I swear I don't hear a word she says. I'm undressing her with my eyes. Damn you, Seal.

9:39 p.m. Guest judge and actress Natalie Portman is also an environmental activist. She puts her plastic diet coke bottles in the blue recycling bins, you see.

9:40 p.m. Joe speaks.

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. Natalie Portman is taking notes like her opinion matters. That's so cute.

9:41 p.m. Topacio goes down the runway.

Topacio.

9:42 p.m. Damn it, Suede's dress isn't hideous. One more week of Suede on Suede, I fear.

9:42 p.m. Stella picks the fabric? Garbage bag dress. Stella's model picks the fabric. Actual dress. Coincidence? You decide.

9:43 p.m. What the hell did Korto make? I think her hair got in the way again.

9:43 p.m. Terri's face looks like she hit the drug scene a smidge too hard during the 80s. C'mon, you're thinking the same thing.

9:44 p.m. Is Wesley wearing boxer shorts with red shoes? If so...why?

9:45 p.m. Natalie speaks. No one listens.

9:46 p.m. Natalie says that Stella's dress fits nicely.

Thanks.

9:47 p.m. We've finally able to pull ourselves away from Korto's hair, but she's covered her face because her dress sucks!! Oh Noes!!

9:48 p.m. Natalie would wear Suede's dress. Natalie is on my list.

9:56 p.m. Suede wins. God's punishing me for previous sins.

9:56 p.m. Was Natalie giving Suede the eye? Ewwwww!!!

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede %%$#&* rocked it!!" And then he starts talking about how proud his mom would be, as if he's trying to end the episode by getting on my good side. No way, pal. Nev does not get manipulated that easily. Nev's too smart for you.

9:58 p.m. Wesley is in the bottom two. And his outfit can't be helping him right now.

9:58 p.m. Wesley's out.

Note to Wesley:

Next time, wear pants.

Final thoughts:

The only good things about this episode were a) Heidi Klum's black dress; and b) that Wesley forgot to wear matching clothes, which no doubt led to his getting voted out (trust me on this one, people). Other that, listening to Suede on Suede was akin to getting Chinese water torture. And Tim's gonna have to throw out some more "Make it work"s at me to keep me going.

And it wouldn't hurt if Leanne wore makeup and Stella...looked less like Stella.

Until next time:

Topacio!!

--------

The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/

Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at http://www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com/

Prince Gomolvilas: He's gay, he's Asian, he's a playright and he has a cat named Pork Chop that weighs 19.8 pounds. What more need be said? Get his perspective at http://www.bamboonation.blogspot.com/

Episode 1: Trash Bags, A Willy Wonka Wannabe And A Drinking Game For How Many Times Tim Says "Make It Work": A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

I want to go on record right now: I think this is a bad idea. In fact, I am convinced that I will immediately regret this decision. There have been only two times in my life when I've felt this "immediate decision regret":

---When I spit in the face of a middle school bully who was 60 pounds heavier and six inches taller than me (we had a philosophical difference).

---And when I asked my mom when I was 9 years old whether women were required to cook and clean, and needed special permission from men to have jobs.

That question didn't go over so well.

Nonetheless, here we are. I am mere moments away from the premiere of Project Runway, which means I am moments away from seeing more of this show than I have ever seen before (or want to). I know nothing about this show except for the following:

The name of the show.

The fact that it's about fashion.

And that it's primary audience is straight women and gay men.

(and since I'm a straight man...I guess that puts me on the outs).

Yep: Regret this decision.

But I made a commitment to give a hater's perspective to Project Runway, and a hater's perspective we shall give. So without further ado, the show is about to begin:

9:01 p.m. Stella designs clothes for rockers, hookers and pimps. Well aren't you a productive member of society.

9:02 p.m. OK, we've met about half a dozen contestants thus far, and with the exception of Jerry (whose clothes he designs are the only ones that look semi-normal), our group consists of pimp-dresser-to-the-stars Stella, tanning-obsessive Blayne, and Jennifer, who describes her style as "Holly Go Lightly Goes To Salvador Dali Exhibit."

Note to Jen: The stuff you make looks like something a crack whore would wear. And describing your style in such a way that no one can decipher does not change the fact that your clothes scream "crack whore."

9:03 p.m. "Suede needs to make millions for Suede." And Suede needs someone to tell him that the blue-haired punk look died around the mid 1980s. Seeing him with a pair of scissors is an image that will haunt me in the weeks to come, I'm sure.

9:03 p.m. Korto has been in five scenes so far and I've yet to see her face. Her hair keeps getting in the way. Jesus, it's like Tina Turner is living on her head.

9:04 p.m. Joe says he's on this show because of his daughters. I'm guessing closet gay.

9:05 p.m. OK, so when everyone was on the roof to meet the judges and they did a wide overhead shot, all I could see was Korto's hair. I swear, that thing could block the sun. Where's Suede's scissors?

9:07 p.m. They just did a close-up of Blayne. Christ, he looks hideous. Yet he's so ugly that I actually had to pause my TV and let it sink in (almost as if to punish myself). If he loses here, he should get a job at Sunset Tan.

9:08 p.m. Does Tim always look that good at 4 a.m.?

9:10 p.m. Who the hell is Austin Scarlett and what the hell is he wearing? He looks like Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

9:11 p.m. Watching the contestants running around like morons in a grocery store. Stella says "I'm gonna make what I know how to make" while holding garbage bags.

Yep, that about sums it up.

9:18 p.m. Suede did not just say "whack-a-doodle."

9:19 p.m. Tim: "Make it work." How can you not be inspired?

9:21 p.m. I like Jerry. He insults everybody's stuff and yet does so without moving his head unnecessarily and saying "whack-a-doodle." I respect that.

9:22 p.m. Stella just rolled up her trash bags and proclaimed, "This is the worst fabric." I have no words.

9:23 p.m. Tim has informed Stella that the judges don't want to see a black trash bag down the runway. The wisdom of a professional.

9:25 p.m. How many times an episode does Tim say "make it work"? Christ, that's gonna get old fast.

9:28 p.m. Blayne's garment looks like something from the Wonder Woman superhero outfit reject pile.

9:35 p.m. God, I'm bored. I'm watching everyone walking down the runway and everyone's talking about how great and innovative and bold their stuff is. They all say the same thing and it's making me lose my motivation. I need an inspirational "make it work" from Tim.

9:36 p.m. What the HELL did Blayne make?

9:46 p.m. Austin is back. I'm waiting for him to pass out Wonka Bars.

9:47 p.m. Great. They hate Jerry's design and he's the only guy I like. Please don't tell me they're gonna eliminate him before the garbage bag lady. I need at least one person to try and relate to.

9:48 p.m. Shot of Austin. I've got a golden ticket....

9:49 p.m. The judges ask Blayne: "What is this?" I would've followed up with: "Have you ever considered sunscreen?"

9:51 p.m. The judges deliberate. I pour myself some Diet Pepsi.

9:53 p.m. I just had a thought during the commercial break: Austin gets his fashion ideas from the Oompa Loompas.

It makes sense when you think about it.

9:56 p.m. Korto is safe. Maybe next week, we'll see her face.

9:58 p.m. OH GREAT!!! Jerry is gone even though Stella made a trash bag with tassels and Blayne makes...whatever the hell that was. What am I supposed to for the next three months? Listen to Suede talk about Suede? Sift through Korto's hair? What about me and my needs?

Overall first impressions:

You honestly can make a drinking game out of how many times Tim says "make it work." In fact, this may be the only way I can get through the remaining episodes. Christ, that was boring. Why is watching someone make a dress out of plastic cups interesting? Is there a reason why there wasn't a little voice inside Stella's head telling her that trash bags were maybe, just maybe, not the way to go?

And as for Austin...

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.

I like Jerell's hats, though.

I gotta say: They work.

Until next time.

--------

The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at www.nevdogg.blogspot.com

Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com

Writing A Blog On A Show You Hate. Now That's Different: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Anybody can write a blog on a show they like.

That's easy. You're a fan of a show. You love a show. You refuse not only to miss an episode, but insist that you watch it when it first airs (TIVO and DVR be damned). You watch every move, nuance, flaw. Nothing escapes your eye. Then, you excitedly go onto your computer and share your thoughts with the world via your "enter your favorite show here and let me tell you what I think" blog and then proceed to read 5,000 other "enter your favorite show here and let me tell you what I think" blogs that essentially say the same thing.

If you're a fan of a show, you will involve yourself in this scenario every single week, and happily so. It's not work. It's a hobby. And you love it.

Fan blogs: It's been done the world over.

This is what I was in the process of explaining to my girlfriend, L.A. Daily News sports columnist Ramona Shelburne, recently when she suggested that I start a fan blog on a TV show I like. I'm a writer and editor and already host a blog (http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/) and podcast (http://www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com/), so this idea of me writing a fan blog wasn't a bad one. But I hesitated. What could I possibly say that hasn't been said? What approach could I possibly take that hadn't been done?

And then...

"Hey babe," I said, "when does Project Runway start?"

"Project Runway?" she replied. "I thought you hated that show."

"Exactly," I said. "It's boring, pretentious, snobbish, deals with ugly fashion and stupid hairdos, and it would be a miracle if I was able to watch an entire episode without wanting to chuck my head through the television set.

"Now that would be a blog."

And here we are.

My name is Nevin Barich. I'm from Los Angeles and grew up in California's San Fernando Valley. I enjoy chili cheeseburgers and anything wrapped in bacon. I like sports, action movies, and the only reality shows I like are Survivor, Apprentice and Hogan Knows Best. My fashion sense includes holes in my socks and shirts I still own from the seventh grade. To this day, I wear my high school gym shorts to sleep because they're roomy and I look good in them.

I've seen approximately 13 minutes of Project Runway in my lifetime and hated every second of it. Nonetheless, I am going to watch every episode this season and give you an entirely new perspective: The Hater's Perspective.

This...is Project Run(A)way.

God help us all.

--------

(The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/)

(Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/)