---When I spit in the face of a middle school bully who was 60 pounds heavier and six inches taller than me (we had a philosophical difference).
---And when I asked my mom when I was 9 years old whether women were required to cook and clean, and needed special permission from men to have jobs.
That question didn't go over so well.
Nonetheless, here we are. I am mere moments away from the premiere of Project Runway, which means I am moments away from seeing more of this show than I have ever seen before (or want to). I know nothing about this show except for the following:
The name of the show.
The fact that it's about fashion.
And that it's primary audience is straight women and gay men.
(and since I'm a straight man...I guess that puts me on the outs).
Yep: Regret this decision.
But I made a commitment to give a hater's perspective to Project Runway, and a hater's perspective we shall give. So without further ado, the show is about to begin:
9:01 p.m. Stella designs clothes for rockers, hookers and pimps. Well aren't you a productive member of society.
9:02 p.m. OK, we've met about half a dozen contestants thus far, and with the exception of Jerry (whose clothes he designs are the only ones that look semi-normal), our group consists of pimp-dresser-to-the-stars Stella, tanning-obsessive Blayne, and Jennifer, who describes her style as "Holly Go Lightly Goes To Salvador Dali Exhibit."
Note to Jen: The stuff you make looks like something a crack whore would wear. And describing your style in such a way that no one can decipher does not change the fact that your clothes scream "crack whore."
9:03 p.m. "Suede needs to make millions for Suede." And Suede needs someone to tell him that the blue-haired punk look died around the mid 1980s. Seeing him with a pair of scissors is an image that will haunt me in the weeks to come, I'm sure.
9:03 p.m. Korto has been in five scenes so far and I've yet to see her face. Her hair keeps getting in the way. Jesus, it's like Tina Turner is living on her head.
9:04 p.m. Joe says he's on this show because of his daughters. I'm guessing closet gay.
9:05 p.m. OK, so when everyone was on the roof to meet the judges and they did a wide overhead shot, all I could see was Korto's hair. I swear, that thing could block the sun. Where's Suede's scissors?
9:07 p.m. They just did a close-up of Blayne. Christ, he looks hideous. Yet he's so ugly that I actually had to pause my TV and let it sink in (almost as if to punish myself). If he loses here, he should get a job at Sunset Tan.
9:08 p.m. Does Tim always look that good at 4 a.m.?
9:10 p.m. Who the hell is Austin Scarlett and what the hell is he wearing? He looks like Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.9:11 p.m. Watching the contestants running around like morons in a grocery store. Stella says "I'm gonna make what I know how to make" while holding garbage bags.
Yep, that about sums it up.
9:18 p.m. Suede did not just say "whack-a-doodle."
9:19 p.m. Tim: "Make it work." How can you not be inspired?
9:21 p.m. I like Jerry. He insults everybody's stuff and yet does so without moving his head unnecessarily and saying "whack-a-doodle." I respect that.
9:22 p.m. Stella just rolled up her trash bags and proclaimed, "This is the worst fabric." I have no words.
9:23 p.m. Tim has informed Stella that the judges don't want to see a black trash bag down the runway. The wisdom of a professional.
9:25 p.m. How many times an episode does Tim say "make it work"? Christ, that's gonna get old fast.
9:28 p.m. Blayne's garment looks like something from the Wonder Woman superhero outfit reject pile.
9:35 p.m. God, I'm bored. I'm watching everyone walking down the runway and everyone's talking about how great and innovative and bold their stuff is. They all say the same thing and it's making me lose my motivation. I need an inspirational "make it work" from Tim.
9:36 p.m. What the HELL did Blayne make?
9:46 p.m. Austin is back. I'm waiting for him to pass out Wonka Bars.
9:47 p.m. Great. They hate Jerry's design and he's the only guy I like. Please don't tell me they're gonna eliminate him before the garbage bag lady. I need at least one person to try and relate to.
9:48 p.m. Shot of Austin. I've got a golden ticket....
9:49 p.m. The judges ask Blayne: "What is this?" I would've followed up with: "Have you ever considered sunscreen?"
9:51 p.m. The judges deliberate. I pour myself some Diet Pepsi.
9:53 p.m. I just had a thought during the commercial break: Austin gets his fashion ideas from the Oompa Loompas.
It makes sense when you think about it.
9:56 p.m. Korto is safe. Maybe next week, we'll see her face.
9:58 p.m. OH GREAT!!! Jerry is gone even though Stella made a trash bag with tassels and Blayne makes...whatever the hell that was. What am I supposed to for the next three months? Listen to Suede talk about Suede? Sift through Korto's hair? What about me and my needs?
Overall first impressions:
You honestly can make a drinking game out of how many times Tim says "make it work." In fact, this may be the only way I can get through the remaining episodes. Christ, that was boring. Why is watching someone make a dress out of plastic cups interesting? Is there a reason why there wasn't a little voice inside Stella's head telling her that trash bags were maybe, just maybe, not the way to go?
And as for Austin...
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.
I like Jerell's hats, though.
I gotta say: They work.
Until next time.
The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at www.nevdogg.blogspot.com
Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com