Episode 2: Suede On Suede, Natalie Portman Talks Endlessly, And Topacio!! A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

After reading my inaugural recap on last week's season premiere of Project Runway, I enjoyed the following exchange with my mom Joyce, a Project Runway lover:

Joyce: I can't believe you don't like Project Runway!!

Nev: Why? Because I don't enjoy plastic cup dresses, clothes made out of garbage bags and Willy Wonka cross dressers?

Joyce: Austin does not look like Willy Wonka.

Nev: Oh Jesus, Mom, open your eyes. The guy wears top hats, scarves and purple. He's a psycho.

Joyce: (sigh) You like football, but you don't like Project Runway.

Nev: Yeah well...what?

Joyce: Football. You like football!!

(pause)

Nev: And this relates to clothing made out of table cloths...how?

Joyce: (exasperated) Nevin, hello? What do football players wear?

(pause)

Nev: Um...pads?

Joyce: Pads, helmets, UNIFORMS!!

(dead silence)

Joyce: Hello, uniforms? Jerseys? That's fashion. What is Project Runway about? Fashion!! See the connection?

(another pause)

Nev: My God, you're actually serious.

If this is a sign of future Project Runway conversations to come, then someone please repeatedly beat my head against Blayne's tanning bed until I hemorrhage.

Seriously.

With that in mind, Episode 2 is about to begin:

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9:01 p.m. Suede: "Any decision with Suede not going home is the right decision." I beg to differ, Whack-A-Doodle.

9:01 p.m. I'm not sure what looks worse: The dark green concoction Stella's drinking or Stella herself. If she loses, she could probably star in "The Nightmare Before Christmas" sequel.

9:02 p.m. So earlier this week, a buddy of mine -- who shall remain nameless in case his wife reads this blog -- says to me, "Yeah Nev, this show sucks. But Heidi Klum is hot. Those legs are awesome, bro." And so when Heidi Klum appears on camera, I look at her legs...

...and see they're covered up.

I guess this show does cater to straight women and gay men.

9:03 p.m. Joe picks Topacio as his model.

Topacio.

Tell me that's a stage name.

9:03 p.m. Jennifer picks Jerell's model and Jerell is "salty." Is that...um, bad?

9:05 p.m. Blayne says Paulina is golden. Much like Blayne.

9:05 p.m. OK, this whole "save the environment" thing has gone too far. First, I found out earlier today that the city of Los Angeles plans to ban shopping bags beginning in 2010. And now Tim says that the cocktail dresses for tonight's episode will be made out of "environmentally responsible textiles." Enough already.

9:05 p.m. Leanne says she always uses environmentally friendly fabric. I want to hit her over the head with styrofoam.

9:06 p.m. Tim is about to announce a Project Runway First. I hope I don't wet my pants.

9:06 p.m. OMG!!! THE MODELS ARE GOING TO DO THE SHOPPING!!! Luckily for them, Stella's garbage bag fiasco from last week sets the bar low.

9:06 p.m. OK I'm sorry, but Stella complaining about someone else picking out her fabric is like listening to someone complain that Bill Gates is investing their money. May she be damned to spend the rest of her life making clothes for pimps and prostitutes!!

Oh wait...

9:06 p.m. Joe to Topacio: "You better get some gooood stuff."

Not very interesting, I know. But I just wanted an excuse to write "Topacio" again.

9:07 p.m. The cover of Elle magazine is shown, with Mary Kate Olsen on it. Now that's just unnecessary.

9:07 p.m. One of the models says to a store clerk: "I'm looking for color."

Wow.

9:08 p.m. Model Runa gets peacock feathers. I feel a Tim "Make it work" moment coming on.

9:09 p.m. Jerell uses the phrase "Remnants of nonsense." You know, that's not bad. I'm gonna steal that.

9:09 p.m. My TV is covered in hair. The camera must be on Korto.

9:09 p.m. Kenley starts talking about jersey fabric. Now, what the hell is jersey fabric? Is this one of those "all straight women and gay men instinctly know what that is, but straight males don't" things, or are you as lost as I am? You can be honest. We don't judge here.

9:09 p.m. Keith: "What am I gonna do with peacock feathers and peacock trim?" I hear ya, Keith. Peacock feathers are remnants of nonsense.

9:10 p.m. Suede wants to put Suede into his dress. Nev wants to puke in Nev's toilet.

9:10 p.m. Stella's model is earthy, but Stella is urban. How will they co-exist?

9:11 p.m. Stella has no strategy. Yeah, that's a first.

9:16 p.m. Blayne called Heidi Klum "Darthlicious." If George Lucas is watching, please sue him for copyright infringment.

9:17 p.m. Joe is frustrated that Topacio only got him 2 yards of fabric.

Topacio.

9:18 p.m. Stella is aiming to make a dress that looks like her. I weep for her model.

9:18 p.m. Stella: "The judges need to know who I am." Can't they just watch re-runs of Tales From The Crypt?

9:18 p.m. "Suede decides to cut out all these strips. Suede loves that." What else do you love, Suede?

9:18 p.m. Good Lord, he did not just seriously answer my question.

"Suede loves long walks on the beach and loves working with small pieces of fabric."

He also says he's bi-sexual. I refuse to believe he's been with women. I mean...no.

9:19 p.m. Suede: "Suede's really sad."

Keith: "That's great, dude."

I like Keith. He's my new favorite.

9:20 p.m. Korto's hair is concerned.

9:21 p.m. Tim's here. Make it work. Make it work.

9:21 p.m. Tim tells Hair of Korto to work. But not to "make it work."

I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

9:21 p.m. Suede tells Tim he's a little crazy.

Tim: "Crazy how?"

Tim. C'mon.

9:22 p.m. Tim can't hide the truth from me. He tells Suede he's excited about his crepe paper of a dress. But his eyes say "Good Lord, you're a moron. And your blue mohawk is ugly."

9:23 p.m. Camera on Joe.

Topacio.

9:24 p.m. NO IMMUNITY!! WINNER'S DRESS TO BE SOLD!! YET-TO-BE-ANNOUNCED HOLLYWOOD STAR TO BE A JUDGE!!!

I gotta pee.

9:28 p.m. Suede and Blayne are making fun of Stella. It's like watching a science nerd and a math dork make fun of a computer geek.

9:29 p.m. Keith is making Daniel's bed. Mmm-hmm.

9:31 p.m. YES!!! Tim said, "Make it work." My spirits are lifted.

9:31 p.m. Gotta say this about Tim here: Great suit. See how good someone can look when you ignore environmentally responsible textiles?

9:32 p.m. Suede calls his model the "Hostess with the Mostess." Can someone hit him with a Whack-A-Doodle?

9:33 p.m. Wesley and Daniel are concerned. Personally, if one of them went home...I'd get by.

9:33 p.m. I've discovered a vicious cycle. I hate Suede. Suede knows I hate Suede. Yet Suede knows that whenever Suede talks about Suede, I write about it. Which gives Suede the publicity that Suede is looking for.

Suede has me between a rock and a hard place. And Suede knows it.

9:38 p.m. WHOA!!! Heidi looks hot as hell!! Finally, something for the straight guy.

9:39 p.m. Heidi has spoken for a full minute, and I swear I don't hear a word she says. I'm undressing her with my eyes. Damn you, Seal.

9:39 p.m. Guest judge and actress Natalie Portman is also an environmental activist. She puts her plastic diet coke bottles in the blue recycling bins, you see.

9:40 p.m. Joe speaks.

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. Natalie Portman is taking notes like her opinion matters. That's so cute.

9:41 p.m. Topacio goes down the runway.

Topacio.

9:42 p.m. Damn it, Suede's dress isn't hideous. One more week of Suede on Suede, I fear.

9:42 p.m. Stella picks the fabric? Garbage bag dress. Stella's model picks the fabric. Actual dress. Coincidence? You decide.

9:43 p.m. What the hell did Korto make? I think her hair got in the way again.

9:43 p.m. Terri's face looks like she hit the drug scene a smidge too hard during the 80s. C'mon, you're thinking the same thing.

9:44 p.m. Is Wesley wearing boxer shorts with red shoes? If so...why?

9:45 p.m. Natalie speaks. No one listens.

9:46 p.m. Natalie says that Stella's dress fits nicely.

Thanks.

9:47 p.m. We've finally able to pull ourselves away from Korto's hair, but she's covered her face because her dress sucks!! Oh Noes!!

9:48 p.m. Natalie would wear Suede's dress. Natalie is on my list.

9:56 p.m. Suede wins. God's punishing me for previous sins.

9:56 p.m. Was Natalie giving Suede the eye? Ewwwww!!!

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede %%$#&* rocked it!!" And then he starts talking about how proud his mom would be, as if he's trying to end the episode by getting on my good side. No way, pal. Nev does not get manipulated that easily. Nev's too smart for you.

9:58 p.m. Wesley is in the bottom two. And his outfit can't be helping him right now.

9:58 p.m. Wesley's out.

Note to Wesley:

Next time, wear pants.

Final thoughts:

The only good things about this episode were a) Heidi Klum's black dress; and b) that Wesley forgot to wear matching clothes, which no doubt led to his getting voted out (trust me on this one, people). Other that, listening to Suede on Suede was akin to getting Chinese water torture. And Tim's gonna have to throw out some more "Make it work"s at me to keep me going.

And it wouldn't hurt if Leanne wore makeup and Stella...looked less like Stella.

Until next time:

Topacio!!

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The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/

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Prince Gomolvilas: He's gay, he's Asian, he's a playright and he has a cat named Pork Chop that weighs 19.8 pounds. What more need be said? Get his perspective at http://www.bamboonation.blogspot.com/