Project Run(A)Way: A Hater's Perspective

Hug A Jew, Girls Hatin' On Each Other, And Chris Inspired By Algae: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-11-07T16:11:00.001-08:00

Did you know there's a national "Hug A Jew Day"?

Apparently, last February there was a national movement encouraging Jews -- and I'm guessing maybe even non-Jews as well -- to give other Jews a hug.

So if you have the need to hug a Jew in your life but are afraid to do so, in a few months you'll have an excuse.

I'm a Jew, but if you see me walking down the street in February, don't hug me.

A simple "Hey Nev!!" -- from a safe distance -- will suffice.

:-)

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Althea and Irina are fighting. I told you the hotness poll shakeup would cause waves.

10:01 p.m. Irina looks sad. If you're a Jew, hug her. She'll feel better.

10:02 p.m. I can finally understand what Gordana is saying and she's giving this whole "for my country" speech. I liked it better when she mumbled.

10:03 p.m. Heidi Klum is showing off her shoulders.

Heidi, I'm Jewish. Hug me.

10:03 p.m. OK, explain something to me: Why is Althea wearing heels? She's already insanely tall. Why do you want to be taller? Is she playing hoops later? Ladies, enlighten me.

10:03 p.m. L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa? Is it election time already, Tony?

10:03 p.m. Use the Getty Center to get inspired. I sense a lot of abstract nonsense coming.

10:04 p.m. Sad to say, though I lived in L.A., I've never been to the Getty. I know, I know. It's a sin.

10:06 p.m. If I'm watching these people get a tour of the Getty, does this qualify as me going?

10:06 p.m. Chris is inspired by a fountain. In other words, he's the only one inspired by something that isn't art.

This must be the week he goes.

10:07 p.m. Tim: "Our visit to the Getty was staggering, wasn't it?"

You know what, Tim? It was. It really was.

10:07 p.m. Gordana's mumbling again. And all is right with the world.

10:07 p.m. Althea has gotten rid of that 80s big hair look. She's making a push to be back on top in the hotness poll.

10:10 p.m. Chris: "For someone like me (who sucks)..."

OK, I added the "who sucks." But let's face it: He should've said it.

10:14 p.m. This February, hug a Jew.

10:15 p.m. Althea is feeling "alone." Well Althea, here's something to make you feel better:

You have reclaimed your spot on top of the hotness poll.

Congrats, Althea. Continue to lay off the Fritos.

10:16 p.m. Everyone's getting pissy. They need hugs from a Jew.

10:17 p.m. I have more than one female friend who tell me that they don't have close female friends because they can't really trust other females. And the way that Carol, Irina, Althea and Gordana are bickering at one another, I can see why.

10:17 p.m. Irina's dad is stressed out that she ain't married yet. Well Irina's pappy, with your daughter's bitchy attitude, it ain't happenin' anytime soon.

10:18 p.m. Tim to Carol: "You're going across the boddess?"

OK, that just sounded strange.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Irina and Gordana loves it. It's because they're women and women can't trust other women, according to my women friends.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Althea and Irina smiles.

Damn.

10:20 p.m. Gordana "is a very spiritual person." Which means paintings make her cry.

10:21 p.m. Hey models: This February, find a Jew to hug.

10:21 p.m. Chris: "I'm the odd duck of the group."

Translation: I'm a guy.

10:23 p.m. Althea leans back, accentuating her breasts.

(thumbs up)

10:29 p.m. Chris writes down the following inspiration words:

"It's A Big Day."

(rolls eyes)

10:29 p.m. Now I could've lived the rest of my life without ever seeing Carol curling her eyelashes.

10:29 p.m. Althea and Gordana laugh, pretending they're friends.

10:31 p.m. Gordana: "I believe I definitely hit the challenge on the target."

And that's what they call: Broken English.

10:32 p.m. Chris "has to do what's right for me." After all:

It's A Big Day.

10:37 p.m. Three huge things:

1) Heidi's looking hot.

2) Althea is back to her big-hair thing.

And 3) Two people will be eliminated this week.

Ooooooooooooo.

10:37 p.m. Cindy Crawford is a celebrity judge. Now that's taste.

10:41 p.m. Heidi wants to take several things off Irina's model.

And the mind starts to wander...

10:42 p.m. Do you think Cindy will hug a Jew in February?

10:44 p.m. Chris cries and gives a "no one else but me would see the beauty of rock and algae" speech.

Seriously: Vote this guy off.

10:47 p.m. All the designers talk about why they should move on and who should come with them.

A perfect time to check my e-mail.

10:47 p.m. I've become part of an e-mail string in which two friends of mine are arguing whether a dog peed on my friend's leg last night or simply next to my friend's leg.

10:49 p.m. Now I'm reading about the best way to get ketchup out of a bottle.

10:50 p.m. Hug a Jew in February. It will change your life.

10:54 p.m. Even though I'm Jewish, do you feel offended by my "hug a Jew" references? Let me apologize...with a hug in February.

10:55 p.m. Irina's in. Her dad is no doubt sad since this won't land her a man anytime soon.

10:55 p.m. Chris is out. Thank God.

10:56 p.m. Carol is in. Can she stay clean long enough?

10:57 p.m. Althea is in. Both hotness poll girls are in the final 3!!! That mean's Gordana's gone.

Final thoughts:

Honestly, I could care less who went to the final 3. It's all the same nonsense to me. I'm happy to see both Althea and Irina advance, and thrilled that Chris is finally out so that I don't have to see him cry anymore. But honestly, I have little to say except the following inspirational words:

Althea: Lose the big hair.

Irina: Get a man.

Carol: Get sober.

Chris: Grow a set.

And Gordana, two important words for you:

Wrinkle cream.

Until next time.

Episode 12 Recap To Be Posted Saturday

2009-11-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

Carry on. :-)

Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:

Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!

Mom: No!!

Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!

Mom: No Pamela!!

Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!

Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?

Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!

You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.

No more.

And with that, the show is starting:

10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."

Right. That's the problem.

10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.

And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.

10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...

I don't know. I must ponder.

10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.

I know. Too easy.

10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.

10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.

This should be interesting for about...never.

10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.

10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....

Damn. I don't know.

10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!

10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.

10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?

10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"

Shampoo.

10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.

Go bold, Chris. Go bold.

10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.

10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."

Like her breasts.

10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.

That will take some time.

10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?

10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.

10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.

10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."

Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.

10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."

Um, brother, that's not a good thing.

10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.

10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.

10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.

10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.

IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!

As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."

10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Really?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: You do?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.

Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.

10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.

10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."

Unreal.

10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.

10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.

10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.

Oh wait...

10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.

And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.

10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.

That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.

That's right. I said it.

10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?

10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.

10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.

If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.

10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.

10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.

10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.

10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.

10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.

10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.

10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."

10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.

10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!

10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.

10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.

Final thoughts:

I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?

As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.

That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.

Until next time.

Episode 11 Recap To Be Posted Friday

2009-10-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

Because damn it, I need my sleep. :-)

Episode 10: Charlie Brown Halloween Socks, Chris Cries (Again), And Nicolas' Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, my wife Ramona and I celebrated our two-month anniversary. So I bought her two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

Because hey: Anyone can get flowers or candy or jewelry. But let's face it: It's been done.

Two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

It's the way to go. A tip: From me to you.

My apologies again for the delay on this recap. On with the show. Ramona is watching it with me for the first time in a few weeks:

10:01 p.m. Is it just me, or does every episode seem to start with Carol putting on her whore makeup and Gordana mumbling in the background?

10:01 p.m. Nicolas runs in a circle like a crazy person. Sounds about right.

10:02 p.m. Chris is surprised he's still here. He speaks for all of America.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors' store. I wonder if they sell sweatpants.

10:04 p.m. Michael sounds gay. You know what I mean? I love the gay community -- I have gay friends and family members -- but he definitely has the gay male voice.

Gay people know what I'm talking about.

10:05 p.m. Create a look inspired by a famous locale.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

10:05 p.m. Carol picks Palm Beach. A druggie and party town.

Uh-huh.

10:05 p.m. Althea retains her spot on the hotness poll, with Irina at No. 2.

Shirin is home, no doubt eating bon bons because she no longer has to stay in shape for my hotness meter.

10:06 p.m. Chris picks Santa Fe. God, he even picks boring places.

10:07 p.m. You know what Gordana needs? Subtitles.

10:07 p.m. Gordana buys jewels. At least, I think she's buying jewels. Really woman, learn English.

10:08 p.m. Ramona: "Nicolas is making a white, frilly thing again, like he does every week."

The statement speaks for itself.

10:09 p.m. Althea has fabric in her mouth.

That's hot for some reason.

10:10 p.m. Chris is worried because Michael Kors is judging the challenge and he has to impress Michael, apparently forgetting that Mikey judges every challenge.

10:12 p.m. You know what these designs need? Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:15 p.m. Chris gives his obligatory "this is what I have to do to avoid being axed" speech.

10:16 p.m. Althea is basing her design on a Muslim church.

10:16 p.m. Ramona: "By the way, Nev, it's 'muslin', not 'muslim'".

I swear to God: I hadn't even said a word. The wife simply knows me too well.

10:18 p.m. Logan wants to make something that says "Hollywood" and "California" to him.

Way to reach.

10:19 p.m. Irina's outfit is really not Nicolas' thing. Of course it's not: Irina actually uses colors.

10:20 p.m. Gordana isn't ready for her model. Because, you know, she hasn't made anything.

10:21 p.m. Nicolas doesn't want his design to look Grecian goddess. Because if it does...horrors!!

10:22 p.m. You know what would make Nicolas' design less Grecian goddess?

Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:24 p.m. Bonding session among the designers. Time to vomit.

10:25 p.m. OK, slight revision to the hotness poll: Althea is still No. 1, but she loses ground this week because she's got that 1980s big blond hair thing going on.

10:27 p.m. Gordana makes bacon. And somehow, that makes sense.

10:27 p.m. Nicolas had a little mental breakdown. Par for the course, I'm guessing.

10:28 p.m. Logan is wearing four rings. He's such a douchebag. I mean...dude.

10:29 p.m. Ramona has suddenly discovered that none of the models have boobs.

10:29 p.m. Ramona: "Nevin, don't put that in there!!"

:-)

10:30 p.m. Did Althea just say "weared it"?

10:31 p.m. Chris gives another "this is my life" speech and looks like he's about to cry. Which he does every freakin' week.

10:37 p.m. You think Seal ever bought Heidi Charlie Brown Halloween socks?

10:38 p.m. Milla Jovovich is the guest judge. She could use a spray tan.

10:39 p.m. The models walk down the runway. Time for some Diet coke.

10:39 p.m. Althea is in. I'm pleased.

10:40 p.m. The judges like Irina. The two remaining hot girls are going to be safe.

Time for a fist pump.

10:40 p.m. Milla thinks Chris' belt has "this 1983 kind of charm to it."

How the hell do you pull 1983 out of thin air? I mean, really?

10:42 p.m. Milla moved her hands around 14 times while talking about Nicolas' crap of a design. I know. I counted.

10:43 p.m. Gordana has an ugly chin.

FYI.

10:45 p.m. I've decided that I would be good as a guest judge on this show. I can talk with my hands, I can make random 1983 belt references, and I sure as hell would be better than Lindsay Lohan. She fell off the wagon, according to Star.

10:46 p.m. Heidi didn't mind Logan's outfit.

Milla: "If this was Project 'I Didn't Mind It', Logan would win."

OK, that was funny.

10:54 p.m. Ramona's wearing the Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

:-)

10:54 p.m. Carol's in. Next week's episode: Carol puts on her whore makeup.

10:54 p.m. Irina wins. Beauty and brains. Or at least sewing ability.

10:55 p.m. Gordana is in, but Heidi says she needs to have more confidence in herself.

That's code for: Learn English.

10:55 p.m. Logan is in.

Ramona: "Because he's cute and the show needs the ratings."

A dirty look is coming her way shortly.

10:56 p.m. Nicolas and Chris are in the bottom two. Chris' tears to follow.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Again.

Chris cries.

Again.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is out. He stands there for 45 seconds like an idiot. Not that that's a stretch.

Final thoughts:

Perhaps if Nicolas had used the Charlie Brown Halloween socks in his design -- which featured bright colors -- he could've scooted by. But instead, he's out and Chris remains the annoying cockroach who simply refuses to die.

Chris.

The annoying cockroach.

Who cries.

Every freakin' episode.

Seriously dude, pretend to be a man.

Until next time.

Episode 10 Recap Postponed Until Saturday

2009-10-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks, but the wife is home today after spending a week out of town for work, and I'll be gone all day Friday. So your Project Runway recap will have to wait until Saturday.

Try to deal. :-)

In the meantime, feel free to check out my latest blog at nevdogg.blogspot.com and my latest 10-minute podcast at mikeandnev.blogspot.com

That will lessen the blow.

Episode 9: Bob What's His Name, Nicolas Pisses His Pants, And Gordana Mumbles: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

You know what I miss? Styrofoam. Back in the 80s, styrofoam was like beer ads filled with hot, beautiful women: Everywhere. But then these damn environmentalists started going, "Oh styrofoam is bad for the environment because it doesn't biodegrade, and these beer ads are sexist, so we're going to stop all of this and make the world gender-equal and boring."

And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.

Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?

10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.

????

10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"

Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"

Jesus.

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.

10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.

10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.

10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.

10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.

10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.

10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.

10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.

10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.

10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.

The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.

10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.

10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.

10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.

10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.

10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"

Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.

10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.

Her priorities are way out of whack.

10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?

10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.

10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.

I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?

That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.

10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."

She must be referring to her English skills.

10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?

10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.

10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.

Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.

10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the same...um, circles.

10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.

Can we say double standard?

10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."

Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.

Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?

Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.

10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.

10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.

10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.

10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.

10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!

Final thoughts:

OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.

Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.

Until next time.

Episode 8: Giving To Charity, Shirin's Hotness Downfall, And The Epps Take Their Lumps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

Before I begin this week's episode recap, I'd like to be serious for a minute and talk about an organization that is aiming to help the people of the Philippines who were devastated by the recent Typhoon Ondoy.

HOPE worldwide is an international charity that aims to change lives by harnessing the compassion and commitment of dedicated staff and volunteers to deliver sustainable, high-impact, community-based services to the poor and needy. A good friend of mine who has volunteered all over the world for Hope worldwide helped to build and work in an facility called the Center of HOPE Worldwide Orphanage in Manila. It is a treatment center for abused children in the Philippines, specializing in child sexual and physical abuse cases primarily. The center offers short-term and long-term residential care, treatment and placement, meeting the holistic needs of each child. The center has been completely flooded and destroyed, and they are working to take care of the people who were displaced as a result.

Here is a link to how you can make a donation to helping the victims of this terrible disaster reclaim their lives.

On a personal note: Like many of us, when I initially heard about the typhoon, I admittedly thought little of it. Was it sad to hear? Yes. But was I greatly affected in any way by the news? No. To be frank, I was pretty disconnected from the whole thing. When tragic events like this happen, most of us don't stop to realize just how much people's lives have been affected by this, because simply put we're not the ones being affected.

But when my friend told me about the orphanage in Manila, and that she knows of several people who have perished or are declared missing as a result of the typhoon, I began seeing things in a different light. And I began to think that in these times, we have to look beyond our little bubble. We have to see the world around us and help out -- all of us -- when others are in need.

In addition, a small donation really goes on a long way. Living in America, we don't see how far a little money can go. But in an impoverished nation, a $25 donation -- one donation!! -- can help feed a family for months. All of this -- individually -- can make a big difference with just a small effort.

So please click on the link above and make a donation. You will be changing a life for the better.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Gordana: "When I came to America, I had nothing. Now I have everything."

Except anti-wrinkle cream.

10:01 p.m. Irina's drinking orange juice.

Hot.

10:02 p.m. Ewwwwww!!!! Nicolas is undressing Logan with his eyes!!!

10:03 p.m. The designers get new models and are wearing wedding dresses even though they're already divorced.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

10:04 p.m. I'm glad my wife Ramona is out of town and not listening to how long all these women have been divorced. Don't want her getting ideas.

10:06 p.m. What is an "apple-kay?" Is it a push-up bra?

10:07 p.m. Irina has made another huge push in the hotness pool. She's a solid # 2 now, far outdistancing Shirin -- whose bitchy attitude is making her less attractive -- and Althea continues to pound the oreos. This is getting tight.

10:07 p.m. Shirin continues to bitch and moan. She's getting uglier by the second.

10:09 p.m. What does Logan have against us seeing his hair? I swear, that hat takes over half his face.

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

(slaps Mood's ass)

10:11 p.m. Carol says that cutting up a wedding dress is like running into a church and swearing at the top of your lungs.

For Carol, that would be her version of having the holy spirit.

10:11 p.m. Gordana tries to reach her kids on the phone but can't. She cries.

I know I should care, but you know what? I don't. And you know what? You don't care, either. You hate her. She's creepy. Admit it. It's OK.

10:13 p.m. Shut up, Shirin!! Jesus.

10:19 p.m. Tim is worried about Logan's textile. And really, it is a concern. Textile is not Logan's strong suit. We all know this.

10:20 p.m. Shirin whines to Tim. Shirin whines to the camera. Shirin whines to herself. Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. Cry cry cry. Shirin, you want to gain your momentum back on the hotness poll? Stop talking.

10:22 p.m. Logan is freaking out. His hair may be falling out, but we can't see it.

10:24 p.m. This episode is more boring than usual. I mean...yawn.

10:29 p.m. Gordana: "I look like I've been digging holes."

Which is an improvement.

10:29 p.m. Chris: "This is my design and I stand behind it."

Well good for you, Chris!! Now go verbally suck Epperson's penis.

10:31 p.m. Is it just me, or was Tim's "Macy's Accessory Wall" pointing-it-out thing less enthusiastic than usual?

10:32 p.m. I am stunned that Shirin's model got divorced. I mean, what man wouldn't want a woman who questions every little detail of every little thing every five minutes?

10:32 p.m. How revolting is Nicolas' model Stephanie? Steph wants to have Nicolas' child and Nicolas -- not exactly a looker in either the straight or gay community -- looked like he was going to vomit.

10:39 p.m. "There are nine of you here, and after today: They'll be eight."

Don't you just love her for her brains?

10:40 p.m. OK, watching the divorced women walk down the aisle is ridiculously hysterical. Most of them are, like, power walking.

10:40 p.m. Logan designed fat pants.

10:42 p.m. Gordana's divorcee looks like a coked-out Uma Thurman.

10:44 p.m. The judges love Gordana's Uma-on-crack outfit.

10:45 p.m. Chris has been fake-smiling this whole episode, almost like he's trying to make up for crying his eyes out last time.

10:46 p.m. Epperson is getting bashed by the judges. Chris, go verbally down on him. Make him feel better.

10:46 p.m. Shirin'a divorcee -- you know, every man's fantasy if he wants to be ridiculed every eight seconds for the rest of his life -- has bad teeth.

10:56 p.m. Shirin is in. But she's faltering where it counts.

10:57 p.m. Gordana wins. But her kids don't love her.

10:57 p.m. Irina is win. She's hot.

10:58 p.m. Little Epp, aka Chris, is in. Will Big Epp survive? Bottom two: Logan and Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Epperson's gone. But Chris remains to carry on his legacy.

Final thoughts:

This episode sucked.

.....

That's pretty much all I got.

:-)

Until next time.

Episode 8 Recap Postponed Until Friday

2009-10-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

Guys, just a reminder that I'm playing in a charity poker tournament tonight so I will be posting my recap of tonight's episode on Friday night, Oct. 9.

Try to amuse yourselves until then. :-)

Check back tomorrow night!!

Marilyn Manson, Doogie Howser, And Mud Wrestling: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-10-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

At the Nevdogg household, we don't believe in your typical gender roles. Which is why my wife Ramona kindly lets me do the laundry (Yeah. Joy). For those of you who have never lived in an apartment, doing laundry is a pain in the ass because a) you can never find enough quarters to operate the machines, and b) even when you do find the quarters, the damn machines are never free anyway!! To read more about my thoughts on the subject, read my latest blog post at nevdogg.blogspot.com

And now, on with the letters. Pamela writes:

If Nicolas and Louise were to get married and have kids, what do you think they would look like?

They'd look like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Neil Patrick Harris.

I mean: It fits, right?

Jerry writes:

You know what this show needs? A mud wrestling three-way between Althea, Shirin and Irina.

Jerry, I couldn't agree more. Finally, some real perspective from a reader. And in such a three-way, I'd have to put my money on Althea. Shirin simply doesn't have the size, so she's out. Irina, I think, would put up a surprising battle, but I just see Althea wearing her down.

Great, great suggestion.

And finally, LYD writes:

Alright, this might seem strange but I had to leave a comment. I've never been to this website. I didn't even know it existed. Plus I don't even watch the show you posted about. Not a single episode. Ever. But I have to say, just reading this post by random chance was awesome. Hilarious, awesome, and entertaining. So I just wanted to thank you. :)

LYD, it's comments like those that are why I write this blog. Thank you!! :-) And tell all your friends about how much I hate this show.

OK, that's it. A reminder: There's a good chance this week's recap may be postponed until around Friday evening because I'll be playing in a charity poker tourney on Thursday.

Episode 7: My Dad's Movie Remake, Louise-Nicolas Chemistry, And Little Epp: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of hours before tonight's episode, I received the following comment from Elizabeth:

I can't wait to check out your dad's movie MAUSOLEUM, that is right up my b/f's alley...

Did you hear that, Dad? Someone is actually going to watch your movie!!!

Time to bust out the cigars.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Has Gordana's accent gotten thicker? Has she taken more Eastern European accent tablets than usual?

10:02 p.m. Louise wants to go more over the top.

Somebody hold me.

10:02 p.m. Mausoleum was about a hot, curvy blond woman with big natural breasts who was possessed by a demon as a child and is now killing people as an adult. This role was played by actress Bobbie Breese (warning: the upcoming link is a still from the movie and is not suitable for work) who walks around naked for half the film for no real reason. Bobbie, who also had roles in Surf Nazis Must Die and Ghoulies, was nominated for the 1984 Saturn Award for Best Actress for her portrayal as a demonic slut who had sex with her husband, the gardener and the guy who delivered plants (all were eventually killed).

You can't make this stuff up.

10:03 p.m. I'm pegging Heidi Klum to star in the Mausoleum remake.

C'mon. You knew I was going there.

10:03 p.m. Here's what the Mausoleum remake movie poster would say:

Mausoleum: Starring a naked Heidi Klum.

This would so make money.

10:03 p.m. You know why a Mausoleum remake would make money? Because straight guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked, straight women would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they could point out imaginary flaws in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and gay guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they tell their fellow gays: "Nope, she still needs a penis."

You see? It would hit every demographic.

10:04 p.m. OK, totally lost. You make a blue garment from Macys? But it's a different kind of blue from all the other blues out there in the world? And what is Inc?

10:05 p.m. Another team challenge. Will Logan and Carol be a team and hook up? Will Nicolas and Louise be a team...and hook up?

10:05 p.m. Everyone pitches their ideas, goals, dreams, fears, etc. I'm tuning out so let's talk about Mausoleum.

In Mausoleum, the demon woman and her husband had a maid, played by the late LaWanda Page. In the movie, LaWanda drinks generous amounts of gin after seeing the demon woman transforming into her demon-like state with clouds of green smoke emanating all around. She then drinks some more gin, runs upstairs to confirm that, yes, she did indeed see a woman surrounded by a demon surrounded by green smoke, and runs off.

Funny enough: My dad told me recently that during filming of this scene, LaWanda briefly passed out because she was drinking real gin during all the takes.

Me: "Why did you have her drink real liquor?"

Dad: "Because I'm the director, and I wanted my vision to be real."

Says the man who wrote a movie about a woman whose demonic breasts had mouths.

10:06 p.m. Louise talks about "apple-kay rose-ets."

Yeah.

10:07 p.m. Althea picks Logan. The hot girl picks the pretty boy. I roll my eyes and am getting that "I want to chuck something at the TV" urge.

10:07 p.m. Louise picks Nicolas.

I'm telling you...

10:08 p.m. Ramona attempt to stay something interesting for the blog #1:

"Carol and Shirin. Two hot chicks on the same team, Nev."

Nice try, baby. But you've forgotten that Carol is way down on the hotness poll.

10:09 p.m. Are Louise and Nicolas wearing the same jeans?

I'm telling you...

10:09 p.m. Jesus, Gordana really needs to dial down the accent. I can practically see her spit.

10:09 p.m. Louise misplaces her cash. She must have sex on the brain.

I'm telling you...

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

Always a pleasure.

10:15 p.m. Shirin doesn't seem enthused about working with Carol. And why should she? Shirin is hot, Carol is not. That makes Shirin better.

And while we're talking about hot women, here's the latest shake-up in the hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot, by virtue of her tank top. Bare shoulders are always a plus.

10:16 p.m. Chris is verbally sucking Epperson's penis. I mean, you think so too, right?

10:17 p.m. Nicolas says Louise "makes really cute, funny noises when she works."

Louise: "It relieves stress."

You know what else relieves stress?

I'm telling you...

10:18 p.m. Gordana talks about how everyone thinks Logan's cute, and Ramona laughs.

I want a divorce.

10:18 p.m. In Mausoleum, there was a psychiatrist named Simon who saw the demon woman halfway transform and watched her eyes glow green. Simon calmed her down by having her count to three.

Tim will play Simon in the remake. And will even find a way to throw in a "make it work."

10:21 p.m. Epperson and Chris are wearing the same color.

For the remainder of the blog, Chris will be referred to as "Little Epp."

10:22 p.m. One of the models looks at all the blue dresses and asks:

"Is the theme blue?"

Guess.

10:22 p.m. Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 2:

"Is Louise trying to be the next Ben Stein? You know what I mean?"

Um...no.

10:23 p.m. Carol always freaks out late at night.

Because she's coming down.

10:24 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills her dowdy aunt. In the remake, Louise will reprise that role.

10:28 p.m. Little Epp will play the demon woman's husband in the Mausoleum remake. He gets killed in the shower near the end when the demon woman gives him a hug.

10:29 p.m. Louise is feeling tense. Nicolas is going to help her as much as he can.

I'm telling you...

10:30 p.m. I hate to say this, but Althea has put on weight. This combined with Irina's bare shoulders...I don't know.

10:30 p.m. Gordana is seriously sounding like cotton's in her mouth.

10:31 p.m. The Macy's accessory wall has been stocked with Inc shoes.

Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 3:

"The designers look oh so excited that there are Inc shoes on the wall."

Baby, I love you for trying.

10:33 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a guy outside a disco by setting his car on fire with her mind while he's in the vehicle.

Sounds like the perfect role for Logan.

10:38 p.m. Heidi: "One...or more...will be out."

Ooooooooohhhhh.

10:38 p.m. Everything is blue. I'm bored. Let's talk about Mausoleum:

In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a mall worker (who refused to sell her a painting) by levitating him off the ground and dropping him over the railing several stories to his death. It wasn't the fall that killed him. It was the fact that he went through a statue of a spike.

Congratulations, Nicolas. You have a role in the remake.

10:40 p.m. Pretty boy Logan and a fatter Althea advance.

But Althea's No. 1 ranking is no longer secure.

10:41 p.m. Team Epp and the "I'm telling you" couple have the lowest scores. Little Epp looks like he's gonna cry.

10:42 p.m. Irina and Gordana aren't acting like a team. Probably because Irina can't understand a word Gordana is saying.

Communication is key, you know?

10:43 p.m. Irina's bare shoulders vs. Shirin's cute glasses look. Thoughts?

10:44 p.m. Louise likes ruffles, but no one else likes Ruffles.

On the bright side, Louise has a nice sex glow going on.

I'm telling you...

10:46 p.m. Heidi and Michael Kors make Little Epp cry. Poor Little Epp.

10:46 p.m. Epperson speaks, so let's talk about his role for the Mausoleum remake:

In Mausoleum,

Hold on:

Jesus, Little Epp, get it together!!! Stop crying!!

OK, so:

At the beginning of Mausoleum, some random guy stumbles into the mausoleum right after the demon possesses the woman (who is a girl at the time). The guy's head then explodes.

Epperson, it's not a great role, but it's all we got left. Sorry.

10:55 p.m. Shirin is in. Still No. 3 on the hotness chart.

10:55 p.m. Irina wins!! Her shoulders should be bare every week.

10:56 p.m. Gordana, Carol and Epperson are in. Nicolas skates by because of his immunity. Louise and Little Epp in the bottom two.

10:57 p.m. One...or both...of them will be out.

(yawns)

10:58 p.m. Louise is out and stays strong. Little Epp is in and cries. And then Little Epp needs to be consoled by Louise.

Do I have to say "be a man, for God's sake!!" or is it really necessary?

Final thoughts:

Louise sucked, and I'm now convinced she was wearing a wig. Her banging Nicolas on the side made for some good writing material, but still: She had to go. Gordana is annoying because she no longer speaks English, and Little Epp needs to grow a set. Sorry but it's true.

Let me finish with a couple of things: 1) See my dad's movie. Our family hearts residuals. And 2) Next week's episode recap may be delayed a day because I'm playing in a poker tournament next Thursday night for charity.

Because I'm a giver. :-)

Until next time.

Thank-You Card Tips, Thank-You Card Advice, And Ra'Mon's Line Of Ties: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-09-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

I chatted recently with my former co-worker at the L.A. Daily News sports department, John Wareham, who informed me that he recently spoke to Project Runway castoff Ra'Mon. Ra'Mon, according to John, "is a super cool dude. He's very nice and might start his own line of ties with one of the actors who is in 'Surrogates' - who also confirmed that."

All great information. But personally, I was really hoping John would've gotten Ra'Mon's thoughts on someone who wrote on a hater blog about his show. And that the one who wrote that blog really thinks he would look good with a gold tooth.

Thanks for the intel, John!! But next time: Ask the tough questions. :-)

And now, here are some letters:

Another Suburban Mom writes:

A tip: Write about five cards a day and then mail them all out at once. Do not stagger the mailing because you will get passive-aggressive phone calls asking if you got the gift because so and so got one and they did not.

Also for cash I go with generous, very generous and extremely generous depending on how much they sent.

Otherwise..."Thanks for the lovely vase, however I did get one just like it. Would you mind sending a receipt so I can exchange it."

Or, you just say" "Thanks for the lovely vase, now Ramona will be able to brandish the vase at me when she complains that I never get her flowers."

All great advice, ASM. I particularly love the five-a-day thing. But let me answer your flower comment with a comment from Ramona:

He gets me flowers all the time ASM :)

Yeah, I'm that type of guy.

Amber writes:

Just get a stamp that says "Thank You", a use that on a generic blank card. Or send out a mass e-mail, even to the grandmas.

Now see: I too was pushing for sending out a mass e-mail, but everyone was shooting me down!! Why is this wrong? It's not being lazy. It's being efficient and embracing technology!! If I was allowed to send out my thank-you cards via e-mail, they'd be done by now. That's a fact.

Plus: I'm saving on paper. Am I the only one who wants to lend Mother Earth a hand?

And finally, newlywed Ivan asks for help:

I have to do thank-you cards soon as well. I'm not looking forward to it. Any advice?

Pay someone to do it for you.

You know Ivan, if you're looking to make some extra money...

Until Thursday.

Episode 6: Thank-You Cards, Ra'Mon's Klingon Name, And A Shake-Up In The Women's Hotness Poll: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-24T19:56:00.001-07:00

You know what sucks about marriage? Thank-you cards. I've written out 16 over the past two days and my hand hurts. I'm sorry, but this is a stupid, stupid practice. Half these people didn't even get us gifts we like and/or going to use. What am I supposed to write? "Thanks for getting us some crappy vase instead of cash like we wanted?" Those who got us money? They deserve a thank-you card. Honeymoon luggage tags or a hot dog toaster? You get a thank-you card (because your gifts were actually useful). Otherwise, I say, you get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, what do you do about the people who came to the wedding but didn't get you a gift? Do they get a thank-you card? And if so, what the hell am I thanking them for? "Thanks for letting us spend $55 so you can attend our meeting and give us nothing in return, you ungrateful mooch?"

You know?

Anyways, on with the show. My wife Ramona is once again watching with me:

8:04 p.m. I'm actually not watching the episode for another 116 minutes, but my friend Tiffany -- whose cable system allows her to see the East Coast version three hours ahead of me -- just informed me that Tim is seduced by ruffles.

Something to look forward to.

10:02 p.m. Heidi's dress is decidedly unflattering. Note to Heidi: Dark blue looks good on no woman. None.

10:02 p.m. The challenge deals with movie making. You know, my dad made a horror film in the early 1980s called Mausoleum. It was a cheesy B movie, filled with cheap special effects, a dumb plot and half-naked women.

It was awesome!!!

10:03 p.m. Tim: "Welcome to a real Hollywood sound stage!!!"

I half expected him to shake.

10:03 p.m. I don't understand the challenge. Something about making something out of genres.

So in other words: You're making a costume? Why can't you just say "costume"? Let's simplify things, people.

10:04 p.m. Gordana is worried about Westerns because she's not American.

You know what? Love it or leave it.

10:05 p.m. Nicolas picks science fiction. Yeah, that's a stretch.

10:06 p.m. Shirin is going to make a saloon girl prostitute.

YES!!!!!

10:07 p.m. Logan and Carol Hannah are making goo-goo-ly eyes at each other. Logan winks. Carol swoons. I barf. Let's move on.

10:08 p.m. Speaking of Carol: Tiffany and I have been arguing for two weeks about Althea -- I say she's hot as hell, she says she looks like a goblin who chews rocks -- but we both agree that Carol looks like a cigarette chain smoker who hitchhikes.

10:08 p.m. You know what I realized about Gordana? She can't pronounce the letter "s".

10:08 p.m. WE'RE GOING TO MOOD!!!!

(happy dance)

10:09 p.m. Chris wants to go with a "brocade."

??????

10:09 p.m. Say it with me now:

"Thank you, Mood!!!"

Let's all wave.

10:10 p.m. Epperson: "Western really is a period."

Thanks.

10:10 p.m. Gordana lost her scissors. But when she says "scissors", it sounds like the word is filled with Zs.

10:11 p.m. Ra'Mon could totally be a Klingon. Don't you think?

10:16 p.m. I betcha Logan isn't a good-enough person to write thank you cards following his wedding.

Just sayin'.

10:17 p.m. Gordana's dress says 1920s girl who has just discovered oil. And this is her re-release into "zociety."

Uh-huh.

10:18 p.m. I have come up with Ra'Mon's Klingon name:

Mott.

10:19 p.m. Will Louise ever get married and go through the torture of writing thank-you cards?

One wonders...

10:20 p.m. Tim tells Nicolas to be less safe.

Ramona: "That's a really scary thing to tell Nicolas, especially given what he sent down the runway in the Avant Garde challenge. Nev, you should put that statement in the blog. It was actually insightful and not just some random thing ripping the show."

Insightful = boring.

No one insults my rips. Not even my better half. :-)

10:20 p.m. Big shake-up in the women's hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot.

The women's hotness poll: You never know what's gonna happen.

10:22 p.m. Mott is having second thoughts about his jumpsuit.

Mott. Tee hee.

10:23 p.m. Nicolas says he's almost lost it a couple of times. I thought he lost it long ago, personally.

I know, I know. An easy cheap shot. It's OK. I hate Nicolas. I want to make him suffer the ultimate punishment.

Grab a pen, Nic. You're writing my thank-you cards.

10:28 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas and Chris just said to each other. Was that design speak?

10:29 p.m. Mott shaves.

Mott.

:-)

10:29 p.m. Does Epperson have a "Mood" bag?

Whoa. Even I have limits.

10:29 p.m. God, Logan annoys me. Every time he speaks, I want to slug him as hard as humanly possible. To all the female viewers who find him attractive: He's into Carol!! I mean, he loses points for that, doesn't he?

10:30 p.m. Use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully, people. It's not a toy.

10:31 p.m. Which of these women on the show (including the models) would do the wedding thank-you cards themselves and not involve their husbands? Thoughts?

10:34 p.m. Ramona: "Hi husband!!"

:-)

10:37 p.m. Another non-flattering outfit for Heidi. What is she, taking a week off?

10:38 p.m. I like Irina's dress. No. 2 on the women's hotness chart.

10:38 p.m. Carol's dress looks like someone who chain smokes and hitchhikers would wear.

I'm sure Logan likes it.

10:38 p.m. Ramona: "It must be hard to be a fat woman in fashion."

She said it, I didn't.

10:39 p.m. Ramona again:

"OK, if you were a fat lady in fashion, wouldn't you just be hating yourself all the time because you're surrounded by all these skinny people?"

Any answer I give will come back to haunt me later.

10:40 p.m. All three hot women are in.

And none of them are fat.

10:42 p.m. Nicolas' model wants to take over the Earth, says Nicolas.

God, he's a moron.

10:44 p.m. Louise uses the word "flapper" to describe her dress. Chris' dress says "vampire."

Did someone spike the water cooler in the design room or something?

10:45 p.m. Mott names his model Lola.

Mott and Lola, sittin' in a tree...

10:45 p.m. Think Mott would write my thank-you cards in Klingon?

10:48 p.m. What is a flapper?

10:48 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"The term flapper in the 1920s referred to a 'new breed' of young women who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to the new jazz music, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms."

So...1920s slut?

10:53 p.m. Me to Ramona:

"Hey babe, you want to write the rest of the thank-you cards? Your handwriting is much nicer than mine."

Ramona glares.

Sigh.

10:56 p.m. Gordana ("S? What's an S?") and Epperson are in.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas wins. There is no God.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Louise and Mott are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Ramona is really worried that Louise is going to be voted out. She hearts Louise. Lord knows why.

10:58 p.m. Mott's out??? But he's Mott!!!

10:59 p.m. OK, so Ramona went from fearing for Louise's life to booing the decision to vote Mott out. She calls the decision bulls*** and even screams racism.

Me: "But didn't you want Louise to stay?"

Ramona: "But not at the expense of Ra'Mon. Jesus, do you know me at all?"

Women. Don't understand them. Shouldn't try.

Final thoughts:

Another weird elimination. Ra'Mon really didn't deserve to go home. He essentially did the team challenge by himself, he made a lettuce-colored dress look cool, and didn't he win one week? Louise or Gordana definitely should've gone before him.

Also: NICOLAS MUST DIE!!! I mean, c'mon: He's creepy!! Would you want him around your kids? He screams "Columbine". That's right, I said it. And don't tell me you weren't thinking it!! You've been thinking it for weeks and so have I!! Let's get it out in the open.

Nicolas wins and I'm writing wedding thank-you cards.

Life sucks.

Until next time.

'Muslin Clothing', Paper Negligee, And Girly Men: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-09-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in front of my TV screen watching the Baltimore Ravens-San Diego Chargers NFL football game, and I'm biting my nails. Am I a fan of either team? Good God no!! But in one of my fantasy football leagues (I'm in four; I'm a man's man. More on "man's man" in one of my letters), I'm beating one guy by 12 points but he's got two guys on the Chargers, and I've got one guy on the Ravens. So I'm one of those guys you may come across watching TV once in a while, not screaming for one team to win but rather screaming for one or two players to do well, for other players to do worse, and of course there's the occasional "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DOING SO WELL AND I DIDN'T START HIM!!!!"

Yep. I'm one of those guys. :-)

Anyways, onto the letters. Joyce writes:

They weren't saying "Muslim" clothing in last week's episode, it was "muslin" clothing, a type of finely woven cotton fabric. How the hell could you not know that?

Uh, hi Joyce. My name is "Typical Male." I like sports, I scratch myself, and I eat things out of cans. How the hell am I going to know what muslin clothing is? Next, you're gonna ask me for knitting tips and pattern ideas.

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I thought the two of you looked so cute and happy in the wedding video.

And I also enjoyed Ms. Longoria. Clothes out of paper is whack though.

Thanks ASM!! And yeah, paper clothing is nuts. Although I did have this thought: Paper negligee. Now that has possibilities. :-)

And finally, Elizabeth writes:

LOL-i am SO GLAD i found your little dent in the project runway/blogosphere universe. even though you scream "man's man" to me (and true confession, i myself rather tend to like girly men) you are hysterically on point and exceptionally humorous in your candid observations. bravo, sir, bravo.

Thank you, Elizabeth!! And please don't hold my "man's man" status against me. Girly men know muslin clothing and when paper clothing was popular and why certain guys thinks it's OK to wear pink shirts. If I was a girly man, the blog wouldn't have the same pop, you know?

See ya Thursday!!

Episode 5: Ignoring The Hotness, Paper Clothing, And Origami Exposed: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-17T19:55:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the first time this season that I'll be watching Project Runway with my wife Ramona. Out of respect for Mrs. Nevdogg, I will refrain from making comments about the hotness of certain females this evening.

Because after all, my wife deserves the utmost respect.

Ramona: "That, and you don't want to be sleeping on the futon every night for the remainder of our marriage."

That too. :-)

By the way, here's a link to me and the wifey's grand entrance at our wedding.

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. When you saw Carol leaning over the table, don't tell me you didn't have any "Is she going to take a hit of cocaine?" thoughts floating through your head.

10:02 p.m. Ramona is excited because she thinks Irina and Althea are heading for a cat fight. Personally, I'm not into seeing two young girls fight each other. Disgusting. Not sexy at all.

10:03 p.m. Heidi: "The answers will all be in black and white." Everything pretends to be shocked.

I yawn.

10:04 p.m. The L.A. Times? What the...

10:04 p.m. BOOTH MOORE!!!!

No clue who that is.

10:04 p.m. Funny coincidence: I have a friend named Starr Moore, and her nickname is Boots. Boots Moore. Booth Moore. Strange, huh?

I know you don't care. You know what? I don't care.

10:05 p.m. Create a design using newspaper fabric.

And people wonder why this show is on the verge of cancellation.

10:06 p.m. Ramona, who is a sports columnist for the L.A. Daily News, is thrilled at how a newspaper "is featured so prominently on a hit TV show" and hopes this will be that someone will "buy a newspaper again."

I don't have the heart to tell her "not bloody likely."

10:07 p.m. When the hell was paper clothing ever popular, Tim? The Depression? Seriously.

10:07 p.m. According to my good friend the Internet, paper clothing was popular in the 1960s.

As was acid.

10:08 p.m. Chris rambles. I tune out.

10:08 p.m. Can someone please tell Althea to wear a more conservative top? Kids may be watching, for God's sake.

10:08 p.m. Nicolas thinks he's going home tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

10:09 p.m. Irina came up with the outside-the-box notion that just because she's using newspaper doesn't mean it has to look like newspaper.

God, girls who act dumb look ugly to me.

10:09 p.m. Shirin's nose looks funky. How the hell could I ever think she was hot? Right, my beautiful wife? :-)

10:10 p.m. Shirin talks about groping her mannequin.

Ramona: "I bet you were turned on by that last statement huh, Nev?"

You know what? I'm trying. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Jesus.

10:15 p.m. Ra'Mon talks about cubism and origami. And if you can picture that in your mind, you need a life.

10:16 p.m. Althea's boobs look a bit lopsided. So unsexy.

10:17 p.m. Tim talks to Irina about 1968 and Muslims.

Ramona: "I have no clue what that meant."

You and me both.

10:17 p.m. Tim trashes Johnny's dress and, as a nail in the coffin, when Johnny goes to chuck his dress in the trash, he misses the shot!!

As a man, that hurts. Believe me.

10:19 p.m. Are we not going to Mood today? :-(

10:19 p.m. Johnny also mentions origami. Is that the word of the day?

10:19 p.m. Origami is Japanese paper folding, according to my good friends at Wikipedia.

Well then: Why can't you just call it paper folding? If it were me, I would say "I'm folding paper." I'm not gonna use some fancy word to make it seem like my piece-of-crap dress isn't a piece of crap. It isn't gonna work. It's newspaper!! Giving it a fancy name and/or adding accent marks doesn't change that.

10:19 p.m. Nicolas' younger picture looks like he's a kid who makes bombs.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:20 p.m. The models come in. I really hope we don't see any of them in their undergarments. That wouldn't be tasteful.

10:20 p.m. Just as I write that, we see one of the model's bare backs. Figures.

10:21 p.m. Has Johnny gained weight? Is he stress eating? Is he coping because of the meth?

10:22 p.m. Ramona: "Wait, so everyone wants Johnny off because of his lack of passion? If anything, you should want him on the show because he'll always be in the bottom three!!"

We just watched Survivor. Where you always want to keep weak players.

10:28 p.m. I have seen four ads for the movie "Fame". Now I can't get "I'm gonna learn how to fly" out of my head.

10:29 p.m. Johnny is wearing a pink shirt. And doesn't give a damn.

Good for you!! Be strong in who you are!!

(P.S. You're never getting laid).

10:30 p.m. Please use the Macy's accessory wall, everybody. I mean, for God's sake...

10:31 p.m. Me to Ramona: "Doesn't Gordana look like a Helga?"

Ramona: "I feel like all Eastern European women do."

Ouch.

10:32 p.m. I'm gonna learn how to fly!! FAME!!!

Damn it.

10:33 p.m. Ramona thinks Johnny is going home, but is worried that if he does, he'll turn to crack afterward.

With that pink shirt of his, we may be too late.

10:35 p.m. Fame is in theaters Sept. 25.

10:36 p.m. Watching a tampon commercial. What's the deal with wings?

10:36 p.m. Decided to go on a "tampons with wings" blog.

Blog Commenter 1: "WTF. How do these function. Do they make your vag fly? Apparently they make you feel confident I gotta get me some."

Blog Commenter 2: "I know!!! What the f****?! They look like a bloody umbrella (scuse the pun!)... I honestly don't understand how this is needed? Ladies! Help me out here!!! I mean maybe if you'd popped 11 kids out of your Mickey..."

Wow.

10:39 p.m. Guest judges: Tommy Hilfiger and EVA LONGORIA PARKER!!!!!

Who I find ugly.

10:41 p.m. Johnny hates what Johnny did. Johnny's mad and Johnny's sad.

10:41 p.m. Has Shirin ever heard of the concept of, you know, using colors?

10:42 p.m. I mention to Ramona that I don't like Louise and she starts yelling at me to stop hating on Louise and that the only reason I'm doing so is because she's not hot.

I can't win.

10:42 p.m. Ramona: "You know what? It's OK that there are cute girls on the show. I already got the ring."

Well that's just great. Give me permission 42 minutes in.

10:44 p.m. Eva always accentuates her bum.

Eva: "That's my ass-et."

Some statements speak for themselves.

10:45 p.m. Tommy compares Irina to a bunch of different designers that I've never heard of. Tommy Boy, stop speaking above the viewing public!!

10:47 p.m. Dude, Nicolas is a jerk. If I were Johnny and Nicolas threw me under the bus, I'd choke him out with my pink shirt.

10:47 p.m. What's with Chris' brown jacket? It looks like something out of a second-hand store. It's like what the guys on King of the Hill wear when they dress up.

10:50 p.m. Tommy has big cheeks.

10:52 p.m. FAME!!!!

Sorry. Once it's in your head...

10:56 p.m. Althea's in.

And wear more clothes, woman!!

10:56 p.m. Irina wins.

Ramona: "That means that two of the three hot girls won, right?"

I don't answer. I know when I see a trap.

10:57 p.m. Brown jacket boy and Helga are in. Bottom two: Nicolas and Johnny.

10:58 p.m. Nicolas is in.

10:58 p.m. Ramona: "And Johnny goes back to smoking crack."

It's meth, but you get the point.

10:59 p.m. Tim says that Johnny was "spewing" on the runway. Don't spew on Tim. He has major influence. Johnny will have to wear pink shirts for life now.

11:00 p.m. Ramona: "Nev, do you really think having pretty girls on the show will help ratings? I mean, it doesn't really cater to its target audience. The only people who watch this show are gay guys and women."

I gotta admit: The wife has a point. :-)

Final thoughts:

I really hope that Johnny doesn't have a drug relapse, but if he does, here's hoping the first thing he does in his drug-induced haze is to throw that pink shirt in the fireplace. Speaking of fireplaces, that's where Nicolas should go. I swear, I hate that bomb-boy-who-never-had-any-friends-and-spent-his-formative-years-holed-up-in-his-room-and-or-basement loser. He's a punk, he's bitter, and I want to shave his head so he'll scream like a little girl.

It's always fun watching this show with the wife, because as the show goes on, she keeps making statements with the sole purpose of trying to get me to mention it in the blog.

It's cute.

:-)

Until next time.

Refusing To Accept A Woman's Hotness, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, And Lack Of Love For Tim: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-09-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of the NFL season, and let me tell you: I was happier than a hog in slop. There's nothing like watching a bunch of guys on a field trying to kill each other, while you and your buddies root them on to kill each other while eating fried foods and having multiple TVs and computers (which are keeping track of other games) going on simultaneously.

I tell you, it's American tradition at its finest. :-)

So after a few-week delay, here's the weekly mailbag.

Tiffany writes:

Note to self: Never trust Nev's judgment. Althea looks like a goblin and the other girl (Shirin) has a bad nose job.

I have a theory about women: When a woman makes comments about a woman's lack of hotness, she actually feels that the woman she's putting down is hot and is just lashing out because she's mad that the woman she's putting down is hot and men know it.

It's a defense mechanism, I think.

John writes:

I'm telling you: You need to start blogging about The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

John has actually written this to me more than once. John, no. I'm sorry, but I have no desire to blog about a show dealing with a bunch of spoiled women who pretend they have real problems when in fact their only problem is that they have way more money than they know what to do with and need to create drama in their lives to pretend they have a purpose.

And also: Why Atlanta? The Real Housewives of Orange County? Fine. New York? Makes sense. But Atlanta? All that city has are peaches and a few pro sports franchises. How does this city scream "spoiled housewives?"

And finally, Namratha writes:

Aww I missed you the past few weeks, even though you hate me :)

I completely agree on the Mood front. I sometimes say "You're Welcome" for them, because it's just rude to leave poor Tim hanging, ya know?

Aww. Namratha, I missed you too. :-) Let's put the feuding behind us, at least for this week. And yes, Tim really needs to start getting a few "you're welcome"s for all the love and publicity he gives Mood. I just don't think they're appreciating all he does for him.

Until Thursday!!

Episode 4: Michael Mancini, Hotness Rankings And Sexy Backs: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

So let's talk about a show I actually like for a minute. Earlier tonight, I finally got around to watching the series premiere of the new Melrose Place (I was a fan of the show during its first few seasons back in the 90s). Admittedly, the first 20 minutes freakin' bored me, especially when you find out that (spoiler alert) Sydney -- one of the hotties from the original series -- was murdered and lying dead in the pool.

It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.

(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).

Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...

MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!

And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.

How could you not love this man?

So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.

Thank you, Michael.

You never let me down.

And with that, on with Project Runway:

10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?

10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."

Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.

10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."

Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.

10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.

Who the hell loves their back?

10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?

10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."

And the mind begins to wander.

10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?

10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?

No pun intended.

10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?

10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

:-)

10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"

Does it involve denim?

10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.

10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.

10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.

Epperson.

But he needs to start earning it.

10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"

10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.

Epperson.

10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?

No.

I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.

10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:

If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.

10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.

10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.

10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

(claps happily)

10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.

10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.

10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?

10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.

10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.

10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.

FYI.

10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.

10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?

10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.

10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.

10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.

10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.

The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!

10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.

No, that's not a good thing.

10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."

Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.

10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.

10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.

Epperson.

But dude: You better start showing me something.

10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.

10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.

10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.

10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.

Final thoughts:

Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.

Until next time.

Episode 3: No More Qristal Fat Jokes, Epperson's Learning Tree, And The Meaning Of Avant Garde: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

My wife Ramona says I have to cool it with the fat jokes about Qristal.

"It isn't nice," she said.

This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.

Married life.

It officially begins.

And with that, episode 3:

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.

Or perhaps both.

10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.

10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.

10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.

10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.

10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.

10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.

10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.

Penis malfunction.

10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.

10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.

And all of his dreams have come true.

10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.

10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.

If that don't get your little friend workin'...

10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.

Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.

10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.

(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)

10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."

Designers: "Thank you."

Like a shepherd herding sheep.

10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.

I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.

10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.

10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.

I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.

Epperson.

10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."

I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.

10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.

Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"

Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.

Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.

Or...anything.

10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!

Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"

(waves)

10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."

I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.

Epperson.

10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.

10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.

Just sayin'.

10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."

Yep, that about sums up their relationship.

10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.

Epperson.

10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.

Just pointing that out.

10:32 p.m. All together now:

Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

Where would we be without it?

10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:

"Wow."

10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."

Epperson nods.

He gets it.

Epperson.

10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.

10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.

10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.

Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?

10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?

10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.

10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.

10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."

So...poofy?

10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.

10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:

"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."

Isn't she cute when she speaks?

10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.

10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"

Rachel: "That one."

And then Rachel points.

So cute.

10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.

Are they married?

10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."

See? I'm locked in.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:

"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."

Complete with subtitles.

10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:

The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.

All white straight guys love Asian women.

It's just our thing.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.

10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.

That's because he's...

Epperson.

10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!

10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.

10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!

Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!

10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.

Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."

He shouldn't. Because he sucks.

Final thoughts:

Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?

OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!

Episode 2: Wrapping Yourself Up In A Curtain, Pregnant Designs, And The Truth Underneath Models' Bras: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

So I've returned from my honeymoon and we now have the task of sifting through wedding gifts that we have no room for. Never mind the fact that I pleaded with my wife, Ramona, ahead of time that we shouldn't register for too much stuff because we live in a one-bedroom apartment. Like all males during the wedding process, my words fell on death ears. Besides:

"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.

For some reason, I have my doubts.

OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:

10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.

10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:

Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?

But that's just me.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.

10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.

10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.

Need more be said?

10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?

10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.

10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.

Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."

I'm stunned.

10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.

Don't you think?

10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.

10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.

10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?

10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.

That's helpful.

10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".

That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.

10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?

10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?

10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."

10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.

Don't you just love her for her mind?

10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.

10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.

Way to reach there, curtain boy.

10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.

10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.

A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.

10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.

10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?

10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.

I don't know what she's making.

And I don't care.

10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:

How could any guy get it up for Louise?

?????

10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.

Dude...

10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?

A gold tooth.

Now I'm cookin'.

10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?

10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?

10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?

10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.

10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.

10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.

Bye Malvin.

10:30 p.m. THE MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:

These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.

Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.

Just thought I'd share.

10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.

Even Pepsi is not that brazen.

10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.

It's because she's fat.

10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?

10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.

10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!

10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?

10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.

Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?

10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.

She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.

10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."

It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.

10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!

10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"

(Shudders.)

10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!

10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."

Yeah. That was it.

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."

OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.

Final thoughts:

OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.

At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.

Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.

'That Crazy, Wacko Designer', Putting Shakopee On The Map, And Suffering For My Fans: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-08-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Since the season premiere aired, two really cool things have happened to me:

I got married. :-)

And I sat on a heated toilet seat...twice.

Both big events...in their own special way.

And with that mind, here's the first mailbag of the season. John writes:

That crazy, wacko designer chick who got kicked off the episode? What the hell was she wearing throughout the show? And then the dumbass dude who made the see-through dress thing and for some reason wasn't cut, but then bailed on his model and she got tossed? Craziness.

And the best part was when Nina Garcia said that talking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world." That's the reaction you're going to get when you describe your clothing as a cross between "Nobel Peace Prize winner" and "2080".

Stacia writes:

I don't watch the show, but I heard the winner of the (All-Star) challenge was some dude named Christopher from Shakopee, MN...my tiny hometown!

Shakopee is now officially on the map.

And finally, Namratha writes:

Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)

Yes it is, Namratha. And just so you know: I'm going to hate you forever. I tend to hold grudges.

Remember everyone: I'm off for my honeymoon starting tomorrow so the recaps for Episodes 2 and 3 will be late!!

Episode 1: Three Hot Women, Transformative Clothing, And A Meth Addict: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

2009-08-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

So despite the fact that I'm getting married in 42 hours, I have somehow managed to sneak away from both mine and my fiancee Ramona's psycho relatives (and I use the word "psycho" with the greatest deal of love and respect. They're all great, but there's a wedding happening and everyone is at their maximum craziness level) to watch the season premiere of Project Runway and start a new season of this blog.

Before the season premiere starts, know three things:

1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.

Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"

It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.

At least, that's my theory.

2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.

3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.

And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)

And with that in mind, on with the show:

10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.

10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.

Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.

10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.

10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.

10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.

10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.

10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?

10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.

10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?

10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?

10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!

10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.

10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.

10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.

10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.

Remember the name.

Epperson.

10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.

10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?

10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.

10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.

10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.

10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.

And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.

10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.

Might.

10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.

10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."

It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.

10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."

Uh-huh.

10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.

10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.

10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.

Withdrawals?

10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.

Withdrawals?

10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.

Say it with me now:

Withdrawals?

10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.

10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"

Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.

10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."

First "MIW" reference of the season.

10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.

10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.

10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.

His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.

10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"

Ari: "What do you mean?

Oh boy.

10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.

10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?

10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.

10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?

10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!

10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.

10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.

Now go smock.

10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.

10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.

10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?

10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.

10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.

10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.

10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.

10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.

10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.

10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.

10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?

10:48 p.m. Logan.

I have nothing to say about him.

10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.

Phew.

10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.

Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.

Plus he cries.

10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.

Vote. Her (him). Off.

10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."

I chuckle.

10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.

10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."

Pretty much.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.

10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?

10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.

10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.

Final thoughts:

We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.

Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.

No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)

Until next time.

All Right, I'll Do The Damn Project Runway Hater Blog Again: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-08-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

OK, so here's the deal. Last week, I had made the announcement on my main blog -- nevdogg.blogspot.com -- that I wasn't going to continue with my Project Runway hater blog this season (which starts Aug. 20) because I'm getting married on Aug. 22 and will essentially be away for the first three episodes of the season.

Plus: I truly did hate watching the show. :-)

But because so many of you have asked me to continue doing the blog, I have decided that I will in fact by doing the Project Runway Hater blog again this season.

Happy now? :-)

For those of you who don't know, last year my fiancee Ramona (who was my girlfriend at the time) was pushing me to do one of those fan blogs on a show, thinking that I would be good at it. I, however, hesitated. See, I'm not into fan blogs. I've always found them boring. What's the point of writing on a show you love? You'll either a) write about how much you love the show (which is like watching an action movie without a bad guy) or b) you'll rip the show but not really rip the show because you love it so (and if that sounds like it makes no sense, that's because it makes no sense).

But then I got an idea.

"What if I wrote about a show I hated?" I asked Ramona.

I mean, why not? I had never seen a hater blog before, and wouldn't it be funny to read someone's views on a show they absolutely hated? Ripping the show apart. Showing a lack of understanding. Telling fans of the show that they're moronic imbeciles for liking this idiotic piece of television.

Now that I could get into!!

So I started thinking about kind of show would be perfect for such a blog. Enter Project Runway. I hate clothes, I had watched approximately 13 minutes of one episode and wanted to throw myself off a cliff during every second of those minutes, and Ramona loved the show so I knew that our arguments over her love and my disdain would make for great copy.

And so it began. :-)

And the funny thing was: The blog was successful. Each week, I did a running commentary of the crap that was on screen (and no, my hatred of the show never wavered) and people came to read!! By season's end, more than 13,600 hits were registered on projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com and I even got a small write-up in the Houston Chronicle.

So bucking under public pressure, I will indeed do the blog again. But please note: For the first three weeks of the season, my posts will be late. I'll do my best to squeeze in the Episode 1 recap before the wedding, but recaps of Episodes 2 and 3 will have to wait until I come back from my honeymoon in early September.

So my hate will just have to wait.

:-)

Season Finale: Kenley's Leaves, Korto's Ugly Mom, And Leanne's Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-10-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

As happens every week, my running diary of tonight's season finale will no doubt be filled with criticisms about how dumb this show is (I don't even get to see J-Lo as a celebrity judge. WTF?) so let me take a moment to say something nice:

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)

But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)

So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...

You're stupid.

:-)

And now, the season finale:

9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.

Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.

9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.

9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."

As am I.

9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).

9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."

9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.

9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.

Kenley: "She's insane."

My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."

Me: "She's insane."

(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)

9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.

9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."

There's a contradiction in there somewhere.

9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.

Good dog.

9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.

9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.

OK then.

9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.

While wearing leaves in her hair.

9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!

Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."

9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?

Run, Korto's husband. Run.

Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.

9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.

9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."

9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:

"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."

Uh, ya think?

9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.

I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?

9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?

9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.

Just sayin'.

9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.

9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?

9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.

9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.

9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.

9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:

"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"

9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.

9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?

9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.

9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.

9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.

9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"

Yeah.

Final thoughts:

Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?

And the honest answer is:

Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?

Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog (www.nevdogg.blogspot.com) and my podcast (www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com)

Auf Wiedersehen.

(Kiss. Kiss.)

A Heidi See-Through I Missed, Different Thoughts On Jerell, And A Kenley Fact That Makes Me Feel Better: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

2008-10-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in the mailbag. I was up at Stanford for my fiancee's alumni weekend. It gave me an opportunity to remind myself of why I hate sports bars. They're loud, full of drunks, you can't move, and you can't hear the TV.

It's like being at a family function.

Anyways, the final mailbag before the season finale. Kristi isn't happy. Why is that?

If they would have gotten rid of Kenley last week like they were supposed too, my beloved Jerell wouldn't be gone. OK, so his bridesmaid dress was a hot mess, but who cares. He's Jerell. He's fabulous.

And it kills me to admit this, but Kenley's wedding and bridesmaid dress were kinda cute.

I just hope she doesn't win. PR can't disappoint me like that!

P.S. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spend half of your post discussing Heidi's see-through shirt from the beginning of the episode.

Admittedly, I missed that. It's time you know: I'm like most males. After a while, I get bored and need variety.

Jessie wrote:

I'm in agreement with Kristi.... I can't believe you didn't mention Heidi's shirts. I think both of them were see-through.

All right all right. Next time Heidi wears a see-through, I'll write about that and nothing else. Just to keep y'all happy.

Orion wrote:

Jerell's dress was ridiculous. I thought the bridesmaid's dress was quite good. His "love interest" turned my stomach. And the mental image of them together? That was enough for me to want him auf'd.

Leanne's dresses were both really nicely done and it was nice to see Karalyn again. I like how the bridesmaid dress covered up the knife wound scar in Karalyn's back.

Korto's was, disappointing. But I think what was more disappointing was her hair in Little Rock.

Kenley's was awesome but.... She has no friends and family? At all?! Just a picture of gran? That was really, REALLY sad and made me empathize (or is it sympathize) with her all the more.

It's sympathize. I'm an editor. I know these things.

Gay.after.a.few wrote:

Thanks for the updates, Nev. I've ditched the show for baseball. I'll watch the finally (yes "finally," not "finale") with the gf. I did see a picture of Kenley's wedding gown. WTF? All that was missing was a birdcage hat. How'd you like to see your fiancee come down the aisle in that? You're right about one thing: bridesmaids are easy.

Aren't they? And here's the funny thing: Maids of honor are not. They're harder to climb than Everest. But bridesmaids are the opposite. Is it jealousy on their end? Is it because the MOH is too busy keeping the bride in check?

And finally, my good friend Sylvia wrote:

Just had to let you know all you really have in common with Kenley is the grandma reference. She is from Florida and moved to Brooklyn. Hope that makes you feel a little better. =)

Sylvia, you have no idea. :-)

Episode 13: Wedding Dresses, Leanne's Boring Boyfriend, And Jerell's Brief Manly Vibe: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-10-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

So one of my loyal readers, Kristi, passed along a link this morning featuring a 90-second clip of the Project Runway final four on Regis and Kelly. Be warned: If you watch it, you will see the following disturbing images:

---Korto and Kenley hugging.

---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.

---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.

Leanne does nothing.

As is the norm.

With that said, Episode 12:

9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.

9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.

9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.

9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.

I'm confused.

9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?

9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.

9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.

9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.

9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.

9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.

9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.

As they show a picture of a tree.

Portland.

They got trees.

9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.

It was nice while it lasted.

9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.

Does Leanne have any friends?

:-(

9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:

"From South Central to gay runway designer."

Quite an accomplishment.

9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.

9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.

Jerell cries.

You knew it was only a matter of time.

9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."

It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.

9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.

Uh-huh.

9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.

9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.

9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.

Now the healing can begin.

9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.

9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.

God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.

9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.

Either way, problem solved.

9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.

Win-win for all involved.

9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.

Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"

Trust me: Nathan said that.

9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.

(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)

9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.

9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.

9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:

Topacio.

9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.

Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."

I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.

9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.

9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.

9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.

Final thoughts:

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.

As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.

Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.