Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Episode 12: Jerell Plays With Syrup, Everyone Hates Kenley, And "Tulle": A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Since I forgot to plug my other blogs during my last mailbag...and because I have nothing interesting to say in the moments prior to tonight's episode, here are my plugs: This week, I talk about the rising prices of double cheeseburgers: How the downfall of the U.S. economy affects me. :-)

And there's my most recent podcast at This week's topics include: A salute to football's barbarism, the cost to pray during Jewish New Year's, and a "shocking" study that says texting while driving is dangerous (yes, millions of dollars were spent figuring this out.)

I offer this guarantee: You'll find at least one of these more entertaining than tonight's episode.

If I don't deliver on this guarantee, I'll send you a personal expired, out-of-state check.

You can take that to the bank.

And with that, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Korto is giving the whole "going after my dreams" speech. Her fat ass needs to go after a cardio bike, that's what I think.

9:01 p.m. Kenley says Leanne made her last outfit look like a fool's outfit. Yeah, that was it.

9:02 p.m. Jerell is playing with syrup and apples.

Now, if you were about to walk into a room and saw someone on the floor playing with syrup and apples, and that person was older than 10, wouldn't you...pause?

9:02 p.m. OK, that is seriously the hottest I have ever seen Heidi. Can we get a "make Heidi wear leopard print in every remaining episode" petition going?

9:03 p.m. Kenley doesn't know where they're going on their field trip. Why is it that every time they venture outside, someone says, "I don't know where we're going." Of course you don't know. That's the point. It's supposed to be a surprise. Like when your parents make you think you're going to Disneyland and they actually drop you off at the dentist.

9:05 p.m. Collier Strong (???) tells the designers to create an evening gown inspired by nature. If I was doing this challenge, I'd gain inspiration by pissing on a tree.

It would take me back to my youth.

9:06 p.m. A bee stings Leanne. When a bee stings someone, doesn't that bee die?

Poor bee. What a waste.

9:07 p.m. Now Korto's giving the whole "win one for my mamma" speech. Christ, shut up and drink a Slim Fast.

9:10 p.m. Now Korto's singing. Everything she does tonight is bugging me. I hope she trips.

9:10 p.m. Jerell is seriously mumbling. I can't understand a word he's saying tonight. Something about "garments" and "low class." Keep him away from my syrup.

9:10 p.m. Leanne's outfit is "organic." I once wrote a blog talking about this organic myth. Read about it here. The gist: Preservatives and hormones will help you live forever.

9:11 p.m. Kenley asks, "Where's my tool?" Is that a reference to Daniel?

9:11 p.m. Fun little tidbit from fiancee Ramona:

"Tool is actually 'tulle', Nev."

I'll file that under "useless fact."

9:16 p.m. Kenley isn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Which is why she looks at everyone else longingly, with those "I'm so lonely" eyes.

9:17 p.m. Jerell's "tulle" is not for sale.


9:18 p.m. Tim says Kenley can get another "tulle."


9:18 p.m. Korto is stressed. I hope she loses her "tulle."

This is fun.


9:19 p.m. You know it's bad when Jerell is making fun of Kenley to his model. That's like speaking about your ex-girlfriend to your dog. In both scenarios, the response you get is a blank stare and some licks.

9:21 p.m. Kenley has always been left out and she doesn't know why.

Ramona: "You don't know why? It's because you're a bitch. No one likes you."

Couldn't have said it better.

9:22 p.m. Kenley's dad was a tugboat captain. Somehow, that explains a lot.

9:27 p.m. Korto's talking about one-inch trims and she thinks we care.

9:27 p.m. Tim says Kenley's dress looks like fish scales. Kenley takes that as a compliment.

Those two just aren't on the same page. Kind of like North and South Korea.

9:28 p.m. Now Jerell refers to his design as organic. Just once, I'd like someone to refer to their outfit as "greasy."

9:30 p.m. In case you weren't 100 percent sure that Jerell was gay:

He's crying.

As he irons.

9:30 p.m. Korto prays.

And cries.

I hope her ass makes her topple off her chair.

9:31 p.m. Kenley hates what everyone does. Daughter of tugboat captains are pretty negative, I hear.

9:37 p.m. Does Michael Kors ever change his clothes?

9:37 p.m. I have no idea who the guest judge is, but she's hot as hell. That's all that matters.

9:38 p.m. Jerell isn't wearing one of his "psycho, dictator-ish" hats during the judging. Doesn't he know anything about superstition?

9:40 p.m. Hot celebrity judge speaks. Who cares what's she saying? She has pouty lips.

9:40 p.m. Is hot celebrity judge hotter than Heidi? Or is it just me craving a change of pace 12 episodes in? You decide.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's model reminds me of a dog. She doesn't smile, she blinks randomly, and she occassionally tilts her head. It makes make want to throw her a ball and see if she'll run after it.

9:43 p.m. OK, even hot celebrity judge doesn't get a pass for the third "organic" comment of the evening. Christ, what does that even mean? The dress doesn't have that recyclyed, reusable look?

9:43 p.m. Kenley said she wanted to stay away from pretty.

Mission accomplished.

9:43 p.m. Judge Nina just now realizes that Kenley gets defensive. Welcome to the show, sweetheart.

9:44 p.m. You go, Michael Kors (who never changes his clothes). He's the first one to make Kenley shut up.

9:44 p.m. Jerell's about to cry. I'm going to drink some syrup.

9:46 p.m. Korto's a mother and she still has a dream. Jerell cries. I heave.

9:46 p.m. Kenley says she's fought her way through life. What? You had to eat non-organic foods?

9:47 p.m. Kenley insults Korto. Korto fights back. They should battle in a tugboat match. Loser loses their "tulle."


Tee hee.

9:49 p.m. Hot celebrity judge has a British accent. Her hotness factor has risen.

9:50 p.m. Michael Kors: "If a buyer tells Kenley, 'I don't like that sleeve,' what's she going to do? Take a knife and kill them?"

I wouldn't be surprised. That girl has issues.

9:53 p.m. During the commercial, Ramona gives me a rundown of how previous Project Runways did the final episodes. I tune her out.

9:57 p.m. Jerell wins. Jerell cries. Jerell goes off to play with apples.

9:57 p.m. Everybody will make collections for Fashion Week. No one loses. To all you Kenley haters out there: She remains a New York cockroach.

9:58 p.m. Group hug. Sans Kenley. Feel the love and the tension. Like a bad relationship.

Final thoughts:

So following the show, Ramona had to spend 15 minutes explaining to me three things: 1) What collections were. 2) What Fashion Week was. And 3) The fact that this last challenge was essentially pointless because Jerell got nothing for winning and no one got eliminated.

So essentially, I just wasted an hour of my life. While baseball playoffs are on.


You're all "tulles."




Another Suburban Mom said...

The ending was lame. I was watching Criminal Minds last night and turned on PR for the last five minutes.

I think they did that because the producers don't want Kenley to go.

If I was Miss Jerrell, I would be pissed!

Kristi said...

I knew they were going to pull a stunt like not eliminating anyone. Last year PR did the same thing.

I can't believe they didn't send Kenley home. I so do not want to watch 12 50s style dresses come down the runway.

Stephanie said...

Okay but seriously, Kenley's dress looked so ridiculous, and she needs to shut the fuck up and stop trying to defend herself.

Any artist worth their salt will listen to critique, evaluate it, and then decide whether or not it's something that they should address in their work. Kenley never even listens.

Ryan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.