Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Season Finale: Kenley's Leaves, Korto's Ugly Mom, And Leanne's Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

As happens every week, my running diary of tonight's season finale will no doubt be filled with criticisms about how dumb this show is (I don't even get to see J-Lo as a celebrity judge. WTF?) so let me take a moment to say something nice:

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)

But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)

So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...

You're stupid.


And now, the season finale:

9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.

Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.

9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.

9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."

As am I.

9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).

9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."

9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.

9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.

Kenley: "She's insane."

My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."

Me: "She's insane."

(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)

9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.

9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."

There's a contradiction in there somewhere.

9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.

Good dog.

9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.

9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.

OK then.

9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.

While wearing leaves in her hair.

9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!

Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."

9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?

Run, Korto's husband. Run.

Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.

9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.

9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."

9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:

"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."

Uh, ya think?

9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.

I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?

9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?

9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.

Just sayin'.

9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.

9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?

9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.

9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.

9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.

9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:

"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"

9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.

9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?

9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.

9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.

9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.

9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"


Final thoughts:

Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?

And the honest answer is:

Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?

Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog ( and my podcast (

Auf Wiedersehen.

(Kiss. Kiss.)


Another Suburban Mom said...

Nev sweetie you can't leave us. You must blog Top Chef now. Its like Project Runway but with food.

Ramona, make him do it. You don't have to wait for the wedding to let him know who the boss is.

Anonymous said...

Nev, no mention of the almost naked Tback and the breast flash? What the hell?

I'm with another suburban mom, blog Top Chef... there is so much to hate and you get to glom on the beautiful Padma Lakshmi.

Kristi said...

I'm with the group. How can you leave us now. I need mockery of my fav reality shows to live!!

I suggest Stylista!! The name tempts you, doesn't it? It's brand new, and starting next Wednesday on CW!! Overly emotional fashionistas competing for a spot working at Elle magazine and a bitchy editor!! What could be better than that!!

gay.after.a.few said...

Sorry about your Dodgers. I was in another room watching the game so I missed the poop. Soylent Green? I didn't think you liked 70's movies. Good job on the blog ... now ask your fiancee for your 'nads back.

Stephanie said...

Dude, I can't believe you missed near bare ass model.

Nev, you may not think you like Project Runway, but it has changed you.

Ramona said...

I vote for Top Chef too you guys... Lets see what I can do :)

If not Top Chef, what else do you all watch?

Jessie said...

I agree. You need to anti-blog something else. I don't watch TopChef, but I might if you blog it!

My DVR didn't record this episode so I am thankful for your recap.