Episode 9: Learning All About Avant Garde, The Terri-Keith Battle, And Kenley's Ode To Disney On Steroids: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what sucks about writing this blog now? Project Runway is taking time away from shows I actually like. Entourage. 90210. And Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. All three shows are entertaining, feature hot women on a regular basis, and don't have anyone with blue mohawks referring to themselves in the third person.

Three great shows. All of which are sitting in my DVR queue so I can blog about this crap.

For you.

View my sacrifice here.

I hope you appreciate it.

And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Nothing like starting the show by watching Terri dance in her PJs and Blayne and Suede lying in bed. That'll get the creative juices flowin'.

9:02 p.m. Heidi comes out in a hot, sleek black dress, but my fiancee Ramona is watching with me this week.

I'm afraid to say anything more.

9:03 p.m. All the eliminated designers return!! Even Jerry, my Episode 1 favorite!!

9:03 p.m. Daniel winks at Kenley. Feel the sexual tension.

9:04 p.m. Reason # 653,457,391 why I hate this show:

Me: What's avant garde mean?

Ramona: It means cutting edge.

Me: Then why don't they just say cutting edge?

Ramona: Because avant garde is the fashion term. It's trendy.

Jesus.

9:04 p.m. Designing something based on an astrological sign? And I thought making something out of seat belts was dumb.

9:04 p.m. Korto with Kelli (lot of ass in that duo). Kenley with Wesley (scary). Joe with Daniel (closet gay with Kenley's bitch). Leanne with Emily (who's Emily?). Blayne with Stella (what would their kids look like?). Terri with Keith (same question). Jerell with Jennifer (ugly kids). And Suede with JERRY!!! (I still like Jerry. He looks normal).

9:08 p.m. It's so weird watching Stella and Blayne together. It's like watching The Nightmare Before Christmas meet Disney On Ice.

9:08 p.m. Proof that Wesley is gay:

Kenley: "He takes direction really well."

Wesley listens. Definitely not a straight man quality.

9:10 p.m. Suede spoke three consecutive normal sentences. It must be Jerry's influence.

9:10 p.m. Keith to Terri: "Just be gentle with me."

He speaks for all of us.

9:15 p.m. Prediction: Daniel will be Joe's first. I just have a feeling.

9:15 p.m. I like Jerry's definition of avant garde better than Ramona's. If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry.

9:16 p.m. Who's Emily? I swear to you, I don't remember her.

9:17 p.m. Tell me you were also disturbed to hear Blayne say "strapping you down" and Tim say "Do it to it" in the same sequence.

9:17 p.m. Tim hates what Jerell is doing. Yet he's intrigued.

Tim's a complex man.

9:18 p.m. Ramona predicted that Kenley would get knocked out this week and her "good witch of the North" outfit shows that she may be right. Jesus, there are shoulder pads and then there are shoulder pads.

9:19 p.m. I wish Keith and Terri would just slug it out. And you know what? Tim does too. Believe me, we'd both pay to see that brawl.

9:20 p.m. Keith calls Terri a nightmare. As does any man who wakes up to her.

9:21 p.m. Yes!!! Two designers will be eliminated this week. I advocate anything that shortens the season.

9:21 p.m. Suede: "*%$# me."

No.

Hell no.

NO!!!!

9:22 p.m. Jerry is wearing an ugly hat and really gay shorts, and I still think he's cool.

9:23 p.m. Every time I see Keith and Terri, I hear the "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" junior high hallway chant in my head.

9:24 p.m. Kenley thinks her design is the only one that looks avant garde. That's a fashion term. I'm so trendy.

9:29 p.m. Former Project Runway designers will pick the winner. Watching the groups interact reminds me of two women who hate each other all through high school but act like they're best friends when they run into each other at the reunion.

9:30 p.m. Heidi and Kenley compare boobs. And you know what? That's hot.

9:31 p.m. Keith says Terri won't even talk to him. Dude, consider yourself lucky.

9:32 p.m. The former PR designer who spoke to Joe about fire and strength is butt ugly. She makes Stella look like Heidi.

9:32 p.m. OK, that's too far. She makes Stella look like Kelli.

9:32 p.m. OK, still too far. She makes Stella look like Kenley.

9:33 p.m. Ramona: Oh my God!! Christian didn't say "fierce."

Me: Who?

Ramona: Christian. The designer they just showed. He won last year. That was his phrase.

Me: Fierce?

Ramona: Fierce. It was his catchphrase.

Me: I see.

Ramona: He said it all the time.

Me: Gotcha.

Ramona: Every five seconds.

Me: Christ, I get it!!

(pause)

Ramona: I can't believe he didn't say fierce!!

Hate. This. Show.

9:34 p.m. Stella with the hammer. Tim is concerned. Me? I find it rather comforting. Like an old shirt.

9:35 p.m. Kenley's dress gives me the urge to sing "It's A Small World."

9:35 p.m. Tim wakes up Keith. I'd of left him on the couch and let him stammer in halfway through the judging, disheveled and unsure.

9:40 p.m. Heidi goes shoulderless.

The fiancee is near. I will say no more.

9:41 p.m. Kenley's dress. What. The.

9:42 p.m. Topacio looks like something out of "The Lion King" on Broadway. No, that's not a compliment.

Still...

Topacio.

9:43 p.m. Leanne thinks her design is so avant garde. That's a fashion term. Feel my trendiness.

9:43 p.m. Ramona: Rewind!! Rewind!!

Me: What?

Ramona: Suede's hair is not spiked!!!

Next week, I'm going back to watching this solo.

9:44 p.m. I have christened the Korto-Kelli duo: "Arms And Ass." I just come up with this stuff, don't ask me how I do it.

9:46 p.m. Keith and Terri are like an angry couple. Without the sex.

In this case, that's a good thing.

9:47 p.m. How can Kenley's model stand?

9:47 p.m. Michael Kors has seen clothes like Kenley's. Michael Kors and I shop in different stores.

9:48 p.m. Good old Jerry. Suede's taking a beating and he's feeling his pain. That's a partner.

9:49 p.m. Have to agree with the judges that Kenley gets defensive. You should've heard her when Daniel told her, "Your boobs just aren't as good as Heidi's."

9:50 p.m. Did Michael Kors just now notice that Suede refers to himself in the third person? Has he been tuning out for the last two months?

9:55 p.m. Jerell wins.

"Oh me oh my!!"

I could've lived without hearing a grown man say that.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in. That will shut her up for five seconds.

9:57 p.m. Blayne's out. He and Stella are baffled. Not that that's hard.

9:57 p.m. TERRI'S OUT!!! YES!!! The moral here: Don't. Do. Drugs.

Final thoughts:

I'm glad Terri's gone. She's ugly.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Until next time.

Ramona: Wait wait!! You didn't say anything about Blayne.

That's right.

Bye Blayne.

(waves)