Episode 9: Bob What's His Name, Nicolas Pisses His Pants, And Gordana Mumbles: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

You know what I miss? Styrofoam. Back in the 80s, styrofoam was like beer ads filled with hot, beautiful women: Everywhere. But then these damn environmentalists started going, "Oh styrofoam is bad for the environment because it doesn't biodegrade, and these beer ads are sexist, so we're going to stop all of this and make the world gender-equal and boring."

And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.

Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?

10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.

????

10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"

Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"

Jesus.

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.

10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.

10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.

10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.

10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.

10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.

10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.

10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.

10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.

10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.

The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.

10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.

10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.

10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.

10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.

10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"

Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.

10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.

Her priorities are way out of whack.

10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?

10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.

10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.

I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?

That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.

10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."

She must be referring to her English skills.

10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?

10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.

10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.

Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.

10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the same...um, circles.

10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.

Can we say double standard?

10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."

Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.

Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?

Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.

10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.

10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.

10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.

10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.

10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!

Final thoughts:

OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.

Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.

Until next time.