Thursday, August 20, 2009

Episode 1: Three Hot Women, Transformative Clothing, And A Meth Addict: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

So despite the fact that I'm getting married in 42 hours, I have somehow managed to sneak away from both mine and my fiancee Ramona's psycho relatives (and I use the word "psycho" with the greatest deal of love and respect. They're all great, but there's a wedding happening and everyone is at their maximum craziness level) to watch the season premiere of Project Runway and start a new season of this blog.

Before the season premiere starts, know three things:

1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.

Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"

It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.

At least, that's my theory.

2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.

3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.

And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)

And with that in mind, on with the show:

10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.

10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.

Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.

10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.

10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.

10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.

10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.

10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?

10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.

10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?

10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?

10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!

10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.

10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.

10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.

10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.

Remember the name.

Epperson.

10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.

10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?

10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.

10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.

10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.

10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.

And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.

10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.

Might.

10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.

10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."

It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.

10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."

Uh-huh.

10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.

10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.

10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.

Withdrawals?

10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.

Withdrawals?

10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.

Say it with me now:

Withdrawals?

10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.

10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"

Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.

10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."

First "MIW" reference of the season.

10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.

10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.

10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.

His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.

10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"

Ari: "What do you mean?

Oh boy.

10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.

10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?

10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.

10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?

10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!

10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.

10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.

Now go smock.

10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.

10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.

10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?

10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.

10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.

10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.

10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.

10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.

10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.

10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.

10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?

10:48 p.m. Logan.

I have nothing to say about him.

10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.

Phew.

10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.

Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.

Plus he cries.

10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.

Vote. Her (him). Off.

10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."

I chuckle.

10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.

10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."

Pretty much.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.

10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?

10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.

10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.

Final thoughts:

We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.

Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.

No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)

Until next time.

7 comments:

hedrives said...

Welcome back. This group has more material waiting than MOOD. Congrats on the wedding, too.

Amber said...

I've never watched this show. I never intend to watch this show. But this is still hilarious!

Namratha said...

Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)

And 42 hours before your wedding. If you were in my family, you'd have countless aunts and their children screaming at you right about now :P

But congratulations!

Another Suburban Mom said...

Yay! I am so glad you are back and posting.

Love the 1st recap!

Jessie said...

Oh my dog! I didn't think you were coming back this season and now... here you are!

Props on the wedding, now I gotta go catch up on the rest of your posts.

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