So I've returned from my honeymoon and we now have the task of sifting through wedding gifts that we have no room for. Never mind the fact that I pleaded with my wife, Ramona, ahead of time that we shouldn't register for too much stuff because we live in a one-bedroom apartment. Like all males during the wedding process, my words fell on death ears. Besides:
"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.
For some reason, I have my doubts.
OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:
10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.
10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:
Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?
But that's just me.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.
10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.
10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.
Need more be said?
10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?
10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.
10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.
Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."
I'm stunned.
10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.
Don't you think?
10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.
10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.
10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?
10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.
That's helpful.
10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".
That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.
10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?
10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?
10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."
10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.
Don't you just love her for her mind?
10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.
10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.
Way to reach there, curtain boy.
10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.
10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.
A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.
10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.
10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?
10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.
I don't know what she's making.
And I don't care.
10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:
How could any guy get it up for Louise?
?????
10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.
Dude...
10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?
A gold tooth.
Now I'm cookin'.
10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?
10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?
10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?
10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.
I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.
10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.
10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.
Bye Malvin.
10:30 p.m. THE MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!
(pumps fist in air)
10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:
These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.
Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.
Just thought I'd share.
10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.
Even Pepsi is not that brazen.
10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.
It's because she's fat.
10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?
10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.
10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!
10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?
10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.
Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?
10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.
She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.
10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."
It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.
10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!
10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"
(Shudders.)
10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!
10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.
10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(
10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."
Yeah. That was it.
10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."
OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.
Final thoughts:
OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.
At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.
Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
'That Crazy, Wacko Designer', Putting Shakopee On The Map, And Suffering For My Fans: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag
Since the season premiere aired, two really cool things have happened to me:
I got married. :-)
And I sat on a heated toilet seat...twice.
Both big events...in their own special way.
And with that mind, here's the first mailbag of the season. John writes:
That crazy, wacko designer chick who got kicked off the episode? What the hell was she wearing throughout the show? And then the dumbass dude who made the see-through dress thing and for some reason wasn't cut, but then bailed on his model and she got tossed? Craziness.
And the best part was when Nina Garcia said that talking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world." That's the reaction you're going to get when you describe your clothing as a cross between "Nobel Peace Prize winner" and "2080".
Stacia writes:
I don't watch the show, but I heard the winner of the (All-Star) challenge was some dude named Christopher from Shakopee, MN...my tiny hometown!
Shakopee is now officially on the map.
And finally, Namratha writes:
Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)
Yes it is, Namratha. And just so you know: I'm going to hate you forever. I tend to hold grudges.
Remember everyone: I'm off for my honeymoon starting tomorrow so the recaps for Episodes 2 and 3 will be late!!
I got married. :-)
And I sat on a heated toilet seat...twice.
Both big events...in their own special way.
And with that mind, here's the first mailbag of the season. John writes:
That crazy, wacko designer chick who got kicked off the episode? What the hell was she wearing throughout the show? And then the dumbass dude who made the see-through dress thing and for some reason wasn't cut, but then bailed on his model and she got tossed? Craziness.
And the best part was when Nina Garcia said that talking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world." That's the reaction you're going to get when you describe your clothing as a cross between "Nobel Peace Prize winner" and "2080".
Stacia writes:
I don't watch the show, but I heard the winner of the (All-Star) challenge was some dude named Christopher from Shakopee, MN...my tiny hometown!
Shakopee is now officially on the map.
And finally, Namratha writes:
Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)
Yes it is, Namratha. And just so you know: I'm going to hate you forever. I tend to hold grudges.
Remember everyone: I'm off for my honeymoon starting tomorrow so the recaps for Episodes 2 and 3 will be late!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Episode 1: Three Hot Women, Transformative Clothing, And A Meth Addict: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective
So despite the fact that I'm getting married in 42 hours, I have somehow managed to sneak away from both mine and my fiancee Ramona's psycho relatives (and I use the word "psycho" with the greatest deal of love and respect. They're all great, but there's a wedding happening and everyone is at their maximum craziness level) to watch the season premiere of Project Runway and start a new season of this blog.
Before the season premiere starts, know three things:
1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.
Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"
It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.
At least, that's my theory.
2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.
3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.
And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)
And with that in mind, on with the show:
10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.
10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.
Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.
10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.
10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.
10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.
10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.
10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?
10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?
10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.
10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?
10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?
10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!
10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.
10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.
10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.
10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.
Remember the name.
Epperson.
10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.
10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?
10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.
10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.
10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.
10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.
And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.
10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.
Might.
10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.
10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."
It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.
10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."
Uh-huh.
10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.
10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.
10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.
Withdrawals?
10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.
Withdrawals?
10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.
Say it with me now:
Withdrawals?
10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.
10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.
I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.
10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"
Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.
10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."
First "MIW" reference of the season.
10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.
10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.
10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.
His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.
10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"
Ari: "What do you mean?
Oh boy.
10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.
10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?
10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.
10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?
10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!
10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.
10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.
Now go smock.
10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.
10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.
10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?
10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.
10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.
10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.
10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.
10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.
10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.
10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.
10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?
10:48 p.m. Logan.
I have nothing to say about him.
10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.
Phew.
10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.
Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.
Plus he cries.
10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.
Vote. Her (him). Off.
10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."
I chuckle.
10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.
10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."
Pretty much.
10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.
10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?
10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.
10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.
Final thoughts:
We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.
Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.
No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)
Until next time.
Before the season premiere starts, know three things:
1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.
Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"
It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.
At least, that's my theory.
2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.
3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.
And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)
And with that in mind, on with the show:
10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.
10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.
Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.
10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.
10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.
10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.
10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.
10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?
10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?
10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.
10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?
10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?
10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!
10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.
10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.
10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.
10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.
Remember the name.
Epperson.
10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.
10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?
10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.
10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.
10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.
10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.
And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.
10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.
Might.
10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.
10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."
It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.
10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."
Uh-huh.
10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.
10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.
10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.
Withdrawals?
10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.
Withdrawals?
10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.
Say it with me now:
Withdrawals?
10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.
10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.
I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.
10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"
Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.
10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."
First "MIW" reference of the season.
10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.
10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.
10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.
His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.
10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"
Ari: "What do you mean?
Oh boy.
10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.
10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?
10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.
10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?
10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!
10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.
10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.
Now go smock.
10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.
10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.
10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?
10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.
10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.
10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.
10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.
10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.
10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.
10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.
10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?
10:48 p.m. Logan.
I have nothing to say about him.
10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.
Phew.
10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.
Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.
Plus he cries.
10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.
Vote. Her (him). Off.
10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."
I chuckle.
10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.
10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."
Pretty much.
10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.
10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?
10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.
10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.
Final thoughts:
We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.
Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.
No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)
Until next time.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
All Right, I'll Do The Damn Project Runway Hater Blog Again: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
OK, so here's the deal. Last week, I had made the announcement on my main blog -- nevdogg.blogspot.com -- that I wasn't going to continue with my Project Runway hater blog this season (which starts Aug. 20) because I'm getting married on Aug. 22 and will essentially be away for the first three episodes of the season.
Plus: I truly did hate watching the show. :-)
But because so many of you have asked me to continue doing the blog, I have decided that I will in fact by doing the Project Runway Hater blog again this season.
Happy now? :-)
For those of you who don't know, last year my fiancee Ramona (who was my girlfriend at the time) was pushing me to do one of those fan blogs on a show, thinking that I would be good at it. I, however, hesitated. See, I'm not into fan blogs. I've always found them boring. What's the point of writing on a show you love? You'll either a) write about how much you love the show (which is like watching an action movie without a bad guy) or b) you'll rip the show but not really rip the show because you love it so (and if that sounds like it makes no sense, that's because it makes no sense).
But then I got an idea.
"What if I wrote about a show I hated?" I asked Ramona.
I mean, why not? I had never seen a hater blog before, and wouldn't it be funny to read someone's views on a show they absolutely hated? Ripping the show apart. Showing a lack of understanding. Telling fans of the show that they're moronic imbeciles for liking this idiotic piece of television.
Now that I could get into!!
So I started thinking about kind of show would be perfect for such a blog. Enter Project Runway. I hate clothes, I had watched approximately 13 minutes of one episode and wanted to throw myself off a cliff during every second of those minutes, and Ramona loved the show so I knew that our arguments over her love and my disdain would make for great copy.
And so it began. :-)
And the funny thing was: The blog was successful. Each week, I did a running commentary of the crap that was on screen (and no, my hatred of the show never wavered) and people came to read!! By season's end, more than 13,600 hits were registered on projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com and I even got a small write-up in the Houston Chronicle.
So bucking under public pressure, I will indeed do the blog again. But please note: For the first three weeks of the season, my posts will be late. I'll do my best to squeeze in the Episode 1 recap before the wedding, but recaps of Episodes 2 and 3 will have to wait until I come back from my honeymoon in early September.
So my hate will just have to wait.
:-)
Plus: I truly did hate watching the show. :-)
But because so many of you have asked me to continue doing the blog, I have decided that I will in fact by doing the Project Runway Hater blog again this season.
Happy now? :-)
For those of you who don't know, last year my fiancee Ramona (who was my girlfriend at the time) was pushing me to do one of those fan blogs on a show, thinking that I would be good at it. I, however, hesitated. See, I'm not into fan blogs. I've always found them boring. What's the point of writing on a show you love? You'll either a) write about how much you love the show (which is like watching an action movie without a bad guy) or b) you'll rip the show but not really rip the show because you love it so (and if that sounds like it makes no sense, that's because it makes no sense).
But then I got an idea.
"What if I wrote about a show I hated?" I asked Ramona.
I mean, why not? I had never seen a hater blog before, and wouldn't it be funny to read someone's views on a show they absolutely hated? Ripping the show apart. Showing a lack of understanding. Telling fans of the show that they're moronic imbeciles for liking this idiotic piece of television.
Now that I could get into!!
So I started thinking about kind of show would be perfect for such a blog. Enter Project Runway. I hate clothes, I had watched approximately 13 minutes of one episode and wanted to throw myself off a cliff during every second of those minutes, and Ramona loved the show so I knew that our arguments over her love and my disdain would make for great copy.
And so it began. :-)
And the funny thing was: The blog was successful. Each week, I did a running commentary of the crap that was on screen (and no, my hatred of the show never wavered) and people came to read!! By season's end, more than 13,600 hits were registered on projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com and I even got a small write-up in the Houston Chronicle.
So bucking under public pressure, I will indeed do the blog again. But please note: For the first three weeks of the season, my posts will be late. I'll do my best to squeeze in the Episode 1 recap before the wedding, but recaps of Episodes 2 and 3 will have to wait until I come back from my honeymoon in early September.
So my hate will just have to wait.
:-)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Season Finale: Kenley's Leaves, Korto's Ugly Mom, And Leanne's Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
As happens every week, my running diary of tonight's season finale will no doubt be filled with criticisms about how dumb this show is (I don't even get to see J-Lo as a celebrity judge. WTF?) so let me take a moment to say something nice:
Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)
But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)
So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...
You're stupid.
:-)
And now, the season finale:
9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.
Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.
9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.
9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."
As am I.
9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).
9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."
9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.
9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.
Kenley: "She's insane."
My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."
Me: "She's insane."
(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)
9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.
9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."
There's a contradiction in there somewhere.
9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.
Good dog.
9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.
9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.
OK then.
9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.
While wearing leaves in her hair.
9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!
Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."
9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?
Run, Korto's husband. Run.
Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.
9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.
9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."
9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:
"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."
Uh, ya think?
9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.
I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?
9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?
9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.
Just sayin'.
9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.
9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?
9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.
9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.
9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.
9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:
"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"
9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.
9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?
9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.
9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.
9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.
9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.
9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"
Yeah.
Final thoughts:
Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?
And the honest answer is:
Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?
Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog (www.nevdogg.blogspot.com) and my podcast (www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com)
Auf Wiedersehen.
(Kiss. Kiss.)
Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)
But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)
So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...
You're stupid.
:-)
And now, the season finale:
9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.
Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.
9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.
9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."
As am I.
9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).
9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."
9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.
9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.
Kenley: "She's insane."
My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."
Me: "She's insane."
(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)
9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.
9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."
There's a contradiction in there somewhere.
9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.
Good dog.
9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.
9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.
OK then.
9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.
While wearing leaves in her hair.
9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!
Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."
9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?
Run, Korto's husband. Run.
Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.
9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.
9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."
9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:
"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."
Uh, ya think?
9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.
I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?
9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?
9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.
Just sayin'.
9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.
9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?
9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.
9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.
9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.
9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:
"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"
9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.
9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?
9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.
9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.
9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.
9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.
9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"
Yeah.
Final thoughts:
Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?
And the honest answer is:
Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?
Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog (www.nevdogg.blogspot.com) and my podcast (www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com)
Auf Wiedersehen.
(Kiss. Kiss.)
Monday, October 13, 2008
A Heidi See-Through I Missed, Different Thoughts On Jerell, And A Kenley Fact That Makes Me Feel Better: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag
Sorry for the delay in the mailbag. I was up at Stanford for my fiancee's alumni weekend. It gave me an opportunity to remind myself of why I hate sports bars. They're loud, full of drunks, you can't move, and you can't hear the TV.
It's like being at a family function.
Anyways, the final mailbag before the season finale. Kristi isn't happy. Why is that?
If they would have gotten rid of Kenley last week like they were supposed too, my beloved Jerell wouldn't be gone. OK, so his bridesmaid dress was a hot mess, but who cares. He's Jerell. He's fabulous.
And it kills me to admit this, but Kenley's wedding and bridesmaid dress were kinda cute.
I just hope she doesn't win. PR can't disappoint me like that!
P.S. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spend half of your post discussing Heidi's see-through shirt from the beginning of the episode.
Admittedly, I missed that. It's time you know: I'm like most males. After a while, I get bored and need variety.
Jessie wrote:
I'm in agreement with Kristi.... I can't believe you didn't mention Heidi's shirts. I think both of them were see-through.
All right all right. Next time Heidi wears a see-through, I'll write about that and nothing else. Just to keep y'all happy.
Orion wrote:
Jerell's dress was ridiculous. I thought the bridesmaid's dress was quite good. His "love interest" turned my stomach. And the mental image of them together? That was enough for me to want him auf'd.
Leanne's dresses were both really nicely done and it was nice to see Karalyn again. I like how the bridesmaid dress covered up the knife wound scar in Karalyn's back.
Korto's was, disappointing. But I think what was more disappointing was her hair in Little Rock.
Kenley's was awesome but.... She has no friends and family? At all?! Just a picture of gran? That was really, REALLY sad and made me empathize (or is it sympathize) with her all the more.
It's sympathize. I'm an editor. I know these things.
Gay.after.a.few wrote:
Thanks for the updates, Nev. I've ditched the show for baseball. I'll watch the finally (yes "finally," not "finale") with the gf. I did see a picture of Kenley's wedding gown. WTF? All that was missing was a birdcage hat. How'd you like to see your fiancee come down the aisle in that? You're right about one thing: bridesmaids are easy.
Aren't they? And here's the funny thing: Maids of honor are not. They're harder to climb than Everest. But bridesmaids are the opposite. Is it jealousy on their end? Is it because the MOH is too busy keeping the bride in check?
And finally, my good friend Sylvia wrote:
Just had to let you know all you really have in common with Kenley is the grandma reference. She is from Florida and moved to Brooklyn. Hope that makes you feel a little better. =)
Sylvia, you have no idea. :-)
It's like being at a family function.
Anyways, the final mailbag before the season finale. Kristi isn't happy. Why is that?
If they would have gotten rid of Kenley last week like they were supposed too, my beloved Jerell wouldn't be gone. OK, so his bridesmaid dress was a hot mess, but who cares. He's Jerell. He's fabulous.
And it kills me to admit this, but Kenley's wedding and bridesmaid dress were kinda cute.
I just hope she doesn't win. PR can't disappoint me like that!
P.S. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spend half of your post discussing Heidi's see-through shirt from the beginning of the episode.
Admittedly, I missed that. It's time you know: I'm like most males. After a while, I get bored and need variety.
Jessie wrote:
I'm in agreement with Kristi.... I can't believe you didn't mention Heidi's shirts. I think both of them were see-through.
All right all right. Next time Heidi wears a see-through, I'll write about that and nothing else. Just to keep y'all happy.
Orion wrote:
Jerell's dress was ridiculous. I thought the bridesmaid's dress was quite good. His "love interest" turned my stomach. And the mental image of them together? That was enough for me to want him auf'd.
Leanne's dresses were both really nicely done and it was nice to see Karalyn again. I like how the bridesmaid dress covered up the knife wound scar in Karalyn's back.
Korto's was, disappointing. But I think what was more disappointing was her hair in Little Rock.
Kenley's was awesome but.... She has no friends and family? At all?! Just a picture of gran? That was really, REALLY sad and made me empathize (or is it sympathize) with her all the more.
It's sympathize. I'm an editor. I know these things.
Gay.after.a.few wrote:
Thanks for the updates, Nev. I've ditched the show for baseball. I'll watch the finally (yes "finally," not "finale") with the gf. I did see a picture of Kenley's wedding gown. WTF? All that was missing was a birdcage hat. How'd you like to see your fiancee come down the aisle in that? You're right about one thing: bridesmaids are easy.
Aren't they? And here's the funny thing: Maids of honor are not. They're harder to climb than Everest. But bridesmaids are the opposite. Is it jealousy on their end? Is it because the MOH is too busy keeping the bride in check?
And finally, my good friend Sylvia wrote:
Just had to let you know all you really have in common with Kenley is the grandma reference. She is from Florida and moved to Brooklyn. Hope that makes you feel a little better. =)
Sylvia, you have no idea. :-)
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Episode 13: Wedding Dresses, Leanne's Boring Boyfriend, And Jerell's Brief Manly Vibe: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
So one of my loyal readers, Kristi, passed along a link this morning featuring a 90-second clip of the Project Runway final four on Regis and Kelly. Be warned: If you watch it, you will see the following disturbing images:
---Korto and Kenley hugging.
---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.
---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.
Leanne does nothing.
As is the norm.
With that said, Episode 12:
9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.
9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.
9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.
9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.
I'm confused.
9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?
9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.
9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.
9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.
9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.
9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.
9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.
As they show a picture of a tree.
Portland.
They got trees.
9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.
It was nice while it lasted.
9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.
Does Leanne have any friends?
:-(
9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:
"From South Central to gay runway designer."
Quite an accomplishment.
9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.
9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.
Jerell cries.
You knew it was only a matter of time.
9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."
It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.
9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.
Uh-huh.
9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.
9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.
9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.
Now the healing can begin.
9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.
9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.
God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.
9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.
Either way, problem solved.
9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.
Win-win for all involved.
9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.
Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"
Trust me: Nathan said that.
9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.
(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)
9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.
9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.
9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:
Topacio.
9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.
Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."
I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.
9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.
9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.
9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.
Final thoughts:
I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.
As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.
Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.
---Korto and Kenley hugging.
---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.
---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.
Leanne does nothing.
As is the norm.
With that said, Episode 12:
9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.
9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.
9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.
9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.
I'm confused.
9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?
9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.
9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.
9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.
9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.
9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.
9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.
As they show a picture of a tree.
Portland.
They got trees.
9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.
It was nice while it lasted.
9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.
Does Leanne have any friends?
:-(
9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:
"From South Central to gay runway designer."
Quite an accomplishment.
9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.
9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.
Jerell cries.
You knew it was only a matter of time.
9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."
It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.
9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.
Uh-huh.
9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.
9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.
9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.
Now the healing can begin.
9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.
9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.
God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.
9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.
Either way, problem solved.
9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.
Win-win for all involved.
9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.
Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"
Trust me: Nathan said that.
9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.
(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)
9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.
9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.
9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:
Topacio.
9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.
Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."
I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.
9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.
9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.
9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.
Final thoughts:
I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.
As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.
Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.
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