Today was the first day of the NFL season, and let me tell you: I was happier than a hog in slop. There's nothing like watching a bunch of guys on a field trying to kill each other, while you and your buddies root them on to kill each other while eating fried foods and having multiple TVs and computers (which are keeping track of other games) going on simultaneously.
I tell you, it's American tradition at its finest. :-)
So after a few-week delay, here's the weekly mailbag.
Tiffany writes:
Note to self: Never trust Nev's judgment. Althea looks like a goblin and the other girl (Shirin) has a bad nose job.
I have a theory about women: When a woman makes comments about a woman's lack of hotness, she actually feels that the woman she's putting down is hot and is just lashing out because she's mad that the woman she's putting down is hot and men know it.
It's a defense mechanism, I think.
John writes:
I'm telling you: You need to start blogging about The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
John has actually written this to me more than once. John, no. I'm sorry, but I have no desire to blog about a show dealing with a bunch of spoiled women who pretend they have real problems when in fact their only problem is that they have way more money than they know what to do with and need to create drama in their lives to pretend they have a purpose.
And also: Why Atlanta? The Real Housewives of Orange County? Fine. New York? Makes sense. But Atlanta? All that city has are peaches and a few pro sports franchises. How does this city scream "spoiled housewives?"
And finally, Namratha writes:
Aww I missed you the past few weeks, even though you hate me :)
I completely agree on the Mood front. I sometimes say "You're Welcome" for them, because it's just rude to leave poor Tim hanging, ya know?
Aww. Namratha, I missed you too. :-) Let's put the feuding behind us, at least for this week. And yes, Tim really needs to start getting a few "you're welcome"s for all the love and publicity he gives Mood. I just don't think they're appreciating all he does for him.
Until Thursday!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Episode 4: Michael Mancini, Hotness Rankings And Sexy Backs: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
So let's talk about a show I actually like for a minute. Earlier tonight, I finally got around to watching the series premiere of the new Melrose Place (I was a fan of the show during its first few seasons back in the 90s). Admittedly, the first 20 minutes freakin' bored me, especially when you find out that (spoiler alert) Sydney -- one of the hotties from the original series -- was murdered and lying dead in the pool.
It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.
(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).
Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...
MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!
And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.
How could you not love this man?
So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.
Thank you, Michael.
You never let me down.
And with that, on with Project Runway:
10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?
10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."
Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.
10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."
Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.
10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.
Who the hell loves their back?
10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?
10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."
And the mind begins to wander.
10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?
10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?
No pun intended.
10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?
10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!
:-)
10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"
Does it involve denim?
10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.
10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.
10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.
Epperson.
But he needs to start earning it.
10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"
10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.
Epperson.
10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?
No.
I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.
10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:
If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.
10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.
10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.
10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!
(claps happily)
10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.
10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.
10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?
10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.
10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.
10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.
FYI.
10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.
10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?
10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.
10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.
10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.
I'm not complaining, mind you.
10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.
10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.
The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!
10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.
No, that's not a good thing.
10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."
Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.
10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.
10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.
Epperson.
But dude: You better start showing me something.
10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.
10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.
10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.
10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.
10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.
Final thoughts:
Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.
Until next time.
It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.
(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).
Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...
MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!
And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.
How could you not love this man?
So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.
Thank you, Michael.
You never let me down.
And with that, on with Project Runway:
10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?
10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."
Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.
10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."
Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.
10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.
Who the hell loves their back?
10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?
10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."
And the mind begins to wander.
10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?
10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?
No pun intended.
10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?
10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!
:-)
10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"
Does it involve denim?
10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.
10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.
10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.
Epperson.
But he needs to start earning it.
10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"
10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.
Epperson.
10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?
No.
I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.
10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:
If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.
10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.
10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.
10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!
(claps happily)
10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.
10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.
10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?
10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.
10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.
10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.
FYI.
10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.
10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?
10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.
10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.
10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.
I'm not complaining, mind you.
10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.
10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.
The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!
10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.
No, that's not a good thing.
10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."
Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.
10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.
10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.
Epperson.
But dude: You better start showing me something.
10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.
10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.
10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.
10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.
10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.
Final thoughts:
Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.
Until next time.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Episode 3: No More Qristal Fat Jokes, Epperson's Learning Tree, And The Meaning Of Avant Garde: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
My wife Ramona says I have to cool it with the fat jokes about Qristal.
"It isn't nice," she said.
This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.
Married life.
It officially begins.
And with that, episode 3:
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.
Or perhaps both.
10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.
10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.
10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.
10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.
10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.
10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.
10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.
Penis malfunction.
10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.
10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.
And all of his dreams have come true.
10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.
10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.
If that don't get your little friend workin'...
10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.
Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.
10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.
(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)
10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."
Designers: "Thank you."
Like a shepherd herding sheep.
10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.
I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.
10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.
10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.
I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.
Epperson.
10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."
I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.
10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.
Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"
Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.
Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.
Or...anything.
10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!
(pumps fist in air)
10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!
Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"
(waves)
10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."
I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.
Epperson.
10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.
10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.
Just sayin'.
10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."
Yep, that about sums up their relationship.
10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.
Epperson.
10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.
Just pointing that out.
10:32 p.m. All together now:
Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!
Where would we be without it?
10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:
"Wow."
10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."
Epperson nods.
He gets it.
Epperson.
10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.
10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.
10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.
Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?
10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?
10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.
10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.
10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:
"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."
So...poofy?
10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.
10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:
"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."
Isn't she cute when she speaks?
10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.
10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"
Rachel: "That one."
And then Rachel points.
So cute.
10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.
Are they married?
10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."
See? I'm locked in.
10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:
"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."
Complete with subtitles.
10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:
The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.
All white straight guys love Asian women.
It's just our thing.
10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.
10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.
That's because he's...
Epperson.
10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!
10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.
10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!
Epperson.
10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!
10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.
Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."
He shouldn't. Because he sucks.
Final thoughts:
Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?
OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!
"It isn't nice," she said.
This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.
Married life.
It officially begins.
And with that, episode 3:
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.
Or perhaps both.
10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.
10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.
10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.
10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.
10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.
10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.
10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.
Penis malfunction.
10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.
10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.
And all of his dreams have come true.
10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.
10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.
If that don't get your little friend workin'...
10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.
Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.
10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.
(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)
10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."
Designers: "Thank you."
Like a shepherd herding sheep.
10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.
I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.
10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.
10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.
I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.
Epperson.
10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."
I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.
10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.
Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"
Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.
Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.
Or...anything.
10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!
(pumps fist in air)
10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!
Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"
(waves)
10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."
I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.
Epperson.
10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.
10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.
Just sayin'.
10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."
Yep, that about sums up their relationship.
10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.
Epperson.
10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.
Just pointing that out.
10:32 p.m. All together now:
Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!
Where would we be without it?
10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:
"Wow."
10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."
Epperson nods.
He gets it.
Epperson.
10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.
10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.
10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.
Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?
10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?
10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.
10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.
10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:
"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."
So...poofy?
10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.
10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:
"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."
Isn't she cute when she speaks?
10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.
10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"
Rachel: "That one."
And then Rachel points.
So cute.
10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.
Are they married?
10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."
See? I'm locked in.
10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:
"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."
Complete with subtitles.
10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:
The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.
All white straight guys love Asian women.
It's just our thing.
10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.
10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.
That's because he's...
Epperson.
10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!
10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.
10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!
Epperson.
10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!
10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.
Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."
He shouldn't. Because he sucks.
Final thoughts:
Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?
OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Episode 2: Wrapping Yourself Up In A Curtain, Pregnant Designs, And The Truth Underneath Models' Bras: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
So I've returned from my honeymoon and we now have the task of sifting through wedding gifts that we have no room for. Never mind the fact that I pleaded with my wife, Ramona, ahead of time that we shouldn't register for too much stuff because we live in a one-bedroom apartment. Like all males during the wedding process, my words fell on death ears. Besides:
"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.
For some reason, I have my doubts.
OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:
10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.
10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:
Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?
But that's just me.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.
10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.
10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.
Need more be said?
10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?
10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.
10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.
Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."
I'm stunned.
10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.
Don't you think?
10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.
10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.
10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?
10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.
That's helpful.
10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".
That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.
10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?
10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?
10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."
10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.
Don't you just love her for her mind?
10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.
10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.
Way to reach there, curtain boy.
10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.
10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.
A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.
10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.
10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?
10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.
I don't know what she's making.
And I don't care.
10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:
How could any guy get it up for Louise?
?????
10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.
Dude...
10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?
A gold tooth.
Now I'm cookin'.
10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?
10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?
10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?
10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.
I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.
10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.
10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.
Bye Malvin.
10:30 p.m. THE MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!
(pumps fist in air)
10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:
These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.
Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.
Just thought I'd share.
10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.
Even Pepsi is not that brazen.
10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.
It's because she's fat.
10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?
10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.
10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!
10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?
10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.
Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?
10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.
She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.
10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."
It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.
10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!
10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"
(Shudders.)
10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!
10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.
10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(
10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."
Yeah. That was it.
10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."
OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.
Final thoughts:
OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.
At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.
Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.
"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.
For some reason, I have my doubts.
OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:
10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.
10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:
Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?
But that's just me.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.
10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.
10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.
10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.
Need more be said?
10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?
10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.
10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.
Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."
I'm stunned.
10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.
Don't you think?
10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.
10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.
10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?
10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.
That's helpful.
10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".
That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.
10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?
10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?
10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."
10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.
Don't you just love her for her mind?
10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.
10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.
Way to reach there, curtain boy.
10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.
10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.
A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.
10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.
10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?
10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.
I don't know what she's making.
And I don't care.
10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:
How could any guy get it up for Louise?
?????
10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.
Dude...
10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?
A gold tooth.
Now I'm cookin'.
10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?
10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?
10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?
10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.
I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.
10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.
10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.
Bye Malvin.
10:30 p.m. THE MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!
(pumps fist in air)
10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:
These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.
Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.
Just thought I'd share.
10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.
Even Pepsi is not that brazen.
10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.
It's because she's fat.
10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?
10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.
10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!
10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?
10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.
Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?
10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.
She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.
10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."
It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.
10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!
10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"
(Shudders.)
10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!
10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.
10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(
10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."
Yeah. That was it.
10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."
OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.
Final thoughts:
OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.
At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.
Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.
Monday, August 24, 2009
'That Crazy, Wacko Designer', Putting Shakopee On The Map, And Suffering For My Fans: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag
Since the season premiere aired, two really cool things have happened to me:
I got married. :-)
And I sat on a heated toilet seat...twice.
Both big events...in their own special way.
And with that mind, here's the first mailbag of the season. John writes:
That crazy, wacko designer chick who got kicked off the episode? What the hell was she wearing throughout the show? And then the dumbass dude who made the see-through dress thing and for some reason wasn't cut, but then bailed on his model and she got tossed? Craziness.
And the best part was when Nina Garcia said that talking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world." That's the reaction you're going to get when you describe your clothing as a cross between "Nobel Peace Prize winner" and "2080".
Stacia writes:
I don't watch the show, but I heard the winner of the (All-Star) challenge was some dude named Christopher from Shakopee, MN...my tiny hometown!
Shakopee is now officially on the map.
And finally, Namratha writes:
Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)
Yes it is, Namratha. And just so you know: I'm going to hate you forever. I tend to hold grudges.
Remember everyone: I'm off for my honeymoon starting tomorrow so the recaps for Episodes 2 and 3 will be late!!
I got married. :-)
And I sat on a heated toilet seat...twice.
Both big events...in their own special way.
And with that mind, here's the first mailbag of the season. John writes:
That crazy, wacko designer chick who got kicked off the episode? What the hell was she wearing throughout the show? And then the dumbass dude who made the see-through dress thing and for some reason wasn't cut, but then bailed on his model and she got tossed? Craziness.
And the best part was when Nina Garcia said that talking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world." That's the reaction you're going to get when you describe your clothing as a cross between "Nobel Peace Prize winner" and "2080".
Stacia writes:
I don't watch the show, but I heard the winner of the (All-Star) challenge was some dude named Christopher from Shakopee, MN...my tiny hometown!
Shakopee is now officially on the map.
And finally, Namratha writes:
Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)
Yes it is, Namratha. And just so you know: I'm going to hate you forever. I tend to hold grudges.
Remember everyone: I'm off for my honeymoon starting tomorrow so the recaps for Episodes 2 and 3 will be late!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Episode 1: Three Hot Women, Transformative Clothing, And A Meth Addict: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective
So despite the fact that I'm getting married in 42 hours, I have somehow managed to sneak away from both mine and my fiancee Ramona's psycho relatives (and I use the word "psycho" with the greatest deal of love and respect. They're all great, but there's a wedding happening and everyone is at their maximum craziness level) to watch the season premiere of Project Runway and start a new season of this blog.
Before the season premiere starts, know three things:
1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.
Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"
It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.
At least, that's my theory.
2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.
3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.
And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)
And with that in mind, on with the show:
10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.
10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.
Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.
10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.
10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.
10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.
10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.
10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?
10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?
10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.
10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?
10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?
10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!
10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.
10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.
10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.
10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.
Remember the name.
Epperson.
10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.
10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?
10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.
10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.
10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.
10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.
And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.
10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.
Might.
10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.
10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."
It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.
10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."
Uh-huh.
10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.
10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.
10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.
Withdrawals?
10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.
Withdrawals?
10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.
Say it with me now:
Withdrawals?
10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.
10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.
I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.
10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"
Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.
10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."
First "MIW" reference of the season.
10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.
10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.
10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.
His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.
10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"
Ari: "What do you mean?
Oh boy.
10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.
10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?
10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.
10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?
10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!
10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.
10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.
Now go smock.
10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.
10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.
10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?
10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.
10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.
10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.
10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.
10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.
10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.
10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.
10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?
10:48 p.m. Logan.
I have nothing to say about him.
10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.
Phew.
10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.
Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.
Plus he cries.
10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.
Vote. Her (him). Off.
10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."
I chuckle.
10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.
10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."
Pretty much.
10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.
10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?
10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.
10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.
Final thoughts:
We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.
Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.
No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)
Until next time.
Before the season premiere starts, know three things:
1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.
Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"
It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.
At least, that's my theory.
2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.
3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.
And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)
And with that in mind, on with the show:
10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.
10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.
Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.
10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.
10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.
10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.
10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.
10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?
10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?
10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.
10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?
10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?
10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!
10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.
10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.
10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.
10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.
Remember the name.
Epperson.
10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.
10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?
10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.
10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.
10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.
10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.
And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.
10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.
Might.
10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.
10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."
It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.
10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."
Uh-huh.
10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.
10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.
10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.
Withdrawals?
10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.
Withdrawals?
10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.
Say it with me now:
Withdrawals?
10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.
10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.
I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.
10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"
Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.
10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."
First "MIW" reference of the season.
10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.
10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.
10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.
His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.
10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"
Ari: "What do you mean?
Oh boy.
10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.
10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?
10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.
10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?
10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!
10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.
10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.
Now go smock.
10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.
10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.
10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?
10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.
10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.
10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.
10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.
10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.
Remember the name:
Epperson.
10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.
10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.
10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.
10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?
10:48 p.m. Logan.
I have nothing to say about him.
10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.
Phew.
10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.
Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.
Plus he cries.
10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.
Vote. Her (him). Off.
10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."
I chuckle.
10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.
10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."
Pretty much.
10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.
10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?
10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.
10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.
Final thoughts:
We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.
Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.
No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)
Until next time.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
All Right, I'll Do The Damn Project Runway Hater Blog Again: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective
OK, so here's the deal. Last week, I had made the announcement on my main blog -- nevdogg.blogspot.com -- that I wasn't going to continue with my Project Runway hater blog this season (which starts Aug. 20) because I'm getting married on Aug. 22 and will essentially be away for the first three episodes of the season.
Plus: I truly did hate watching the show. :-)
But because so many of you have asked me to continue doing the blog, I have decided that I will in fact by doing the Project Runway Hater blog again this season.
Happy now? :-)
For those of you who don't know, last year my fiancee Ramona (who was my girlfriend at the time) was pushing me to do one of those fan blogs on a show, thinking that I would be good at it. I, however, hesitated. See, I'm not into fan blogs. I've always found them boring. What's the point of writing on a show you love? You'll either a) write about how much you love the show (which is like watching an action movie without a bad guy) or b) you'll rip the show but not really rip the show because you love it so (and if that sounds like it makes no sense, that's because it makes no sense).
But then I got an idea.
"What if I wrote about a show I hated?" I asked Ramona.
I mean, why not? I had never seen a hater blog before, and wouldn't it be funny to read someone's views on a show they absolutely hated? Ripping the show apart. Showing a lack of understanding. Telling fans of the show that they're moronic imbeciles for liking this idiotic piece of television.
Now that I could get into!!
So I started thinking about kind of show would be perfect for such a blog. Enter Project Runway. I hate clothes, I had watched approximately 13 minutes of one episode and wanted to throw myself off a cliff during every second of those minutes, and Ramona loved the show so I knew that our arguments over her love and my disdain would make for great copy.
And so it began. :-)
And the funny thing was: The blog was successful. Each week, I did a running commentary of the crap that was on screen (and no, my hatred of the show never wavered) and people came to read!! By season's end, more than 13,600 hits were registered on projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com and I even got a small write-up in the Houston Chronicle.
So bucking under public pressure, I will indeed do the blog again. But please note: For the first three weeks of the season, my posts will be late. I'll do my best to squeeze in the Episode 1 recap before the wedding, but recaps of Episodes 2 and 3 will have to wait until I come back from my honeymoon in early September.
So my hate will just have to wait.
:-)
Plus: I truly did hate watching the show. :-)
But because so many of you have asked me to continue doing the blog, I have decided that I will in fact by doing the Project Runway Hater blog again this season.
Happy now? :-)
For those of you who don't know, last year my fiancee Ramona (who was my girlfriend at the time) was pushing me to do one of those fan blogs on a show, thinking that I would be good at it. I, however, hesitated. See, I'm not into fan blogs. I've always found them boring. What's the point of writing on a show you love? You'll either a) write about how much you love the show (which is like watching an action movie without a bad guy) or b) you'll rip the show but not really rip the show because you love it so (and if that sounds like it makes no sense, that's because it makes no sense).
But then I got an idea.
"What if I wrote about a show I hated?" I asked Ramona.
I mean, why not? I had never seen a hater blog before, and wouldn't it be funny to read someone's views on a show they absolutely hated? Ripping the show apart. Showing a lack of understanding. Telling fans of the show that they're moronic imbeciles for liking this idiotic piece of television.
Now that I could get into!!
So I started thinking about kind of show would be perfect for such a blog. Enter Project Runway. I hate clothes, I had watched approximately 13 minutes of one episode and wanted to throw myself off a cliff during every second of those minutes, and Ramona loved the show so I knew that our arguments over her love and my disdain would make for great copy.
And so it began. :-)
And the funny thing was: The blog was successful. Each week, I did a running commentary of the crap that was on screen (and no, my hatred of the show never wavered) and people came to read!! By season's end, more than 13,600 hits were registered on projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com and I even got a small write-up in the Houston Chronicle.
So bucking under public pressure, I will indeed do the blog again. But please note: For the first three weeks of the season, my posts will be late. I'll do my best to squeeze in the Episode 1 recap before the wedding, but recaps of Episodes 2 and 3 will have to wait until I come back from my honeymoon in early September.
So my hate will just have to wait.
:-)
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