You know what sucks about marriage? Thank-you cards. I've written out 16 over the past two days and my hand hurts. I'm sorry, but this is a stupid, stupid practice. Half these people didn't even get us gifts we like and/or going to use. What am I supposed to write? "Thanks for getting us some crappy vase instead of cash like we wanted?" Those who got us money? They deserve a thank-you card. Honeymoon luggage tags or a hot dog toaster? You get a thank-you card (because your gifts were actually useful). Otherwise, I say, you get nothing.
Speaking of nothing, what do you do about the people who came to the wedding but didn't get you a gift? Do they get a thank-you card? And if so, what the hell am I thanking them for? "Thanks for letting us spend $55 so you can attend our meeting and give us nothing in return, you ungrateful mooch?"
You know?
Anyways, on with the show. My wife Ramona is once again watching with me:
8:04 p.m. I'm actually not watching the episode for another 116 minutes, but my friend Tiffany -- whose cable system allows her to see the East Coast version three hours ahead of me -- just informed me that Tim is seduced by ruffles.
Something to look forward to.
10:02 p.m. Heidi's dress is decidedly unflattering. Note to Heidi: Dark blue looks good on no woman. None.
10:02 p.m. The challenge deals with movie making. You know, my dad made a horror film in the early 1980s called Mausoleum. It was a cheesy B movie, filled with cheap special effects, a dumb plot and half-naked women.
It was awesome!!!
10:03 p.m. Tim: "Welcome to a real Hollywood sound stage!!!"
I half expected him to shake.
10:03 p.m. I don't understand the challenge. Something about making something out of genres.
So in other words: You're making a costume? Why can't you just say "costume"? Let's simplify things, people.
10:04 p.m. Gordana is worried about Westerns because she's not American.
You know what? Love it or leave it.
10:05 p.m. Nicolas picks science fiction. Yeah, that's a stretch.
10:06 p.m. Shirin is going to make a saloon girl prostitute.
YES!!!!!
10:07 p.m. Logan and Carol Hannah are making goo-goo-ly eyes at each other. Logan winks. Carol swoons. I barf. Let's move on.
10:08 p.m. Speaking of Carol: Tiffany and I have been arguing for two weeks about Althea -- I say she's hot as hell, she says she looks like a goblin who chews rocks -- but we both agree that Carol looks like a cigarette chain smoker who hitchhikes.
10:08 p.m. You know what I realized about Gordana? She can't pronounce the letter "s".
10:08 p.m. WE'RE GOING TO MOOD!!!!
(happy dance)
10:09 p.m. Chris wants to go with a "brocade."
??????
10:09 p.m. Say it with me now:
"Thank you, Mood!!!"
Let's all wave.
10:10 p.m. Epperson: "Western really is a period."
Thanks.
10:10 p.m. Gordana lost her scissors. But when she says "scissors", it sounds like the word is filled with Zs.
10:11 p.m. Ra'Mon could totally be a Klingon. Don't you think?
10:16 p.m. I betcha Logan isn't a good-enough person to write thank you cards following his wedding.
Just sayin'.
10:17 p.m. Gordana's dress says 1920s girl who has just discovered oil. And this is her re-release into "zociety."
Uh-huh.
10:18 p.m. I have come up with Ra'Mon's Klingon name:
Mott.
10:19 p.m. Will Louise ever get married and go through the torture of writing thank-you cards?
One wonders...
10:20 p.m. Tim tells Nicolas to be less safe.
Ramona: "That's a really scary thing to tell Nicolas, especially given what he sent down the runway in the Avant Garde challenge. Nev, you should put that statement in the blog. It was actually insightful and not just some random thing ripping the show."
Insightful = boring.
No one insults my rips. Not even my better half. :-)
10:20 p.m. Big shake-up in the women's hotness poll:
Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot.
The women's hotness poll: You never know what's gonna happen.
10:22 p.m. Mott is having second thoughts about his jumpsuit.
Mott. Tee hee.
10:23 p.m. Nicolas says he's almost lost it a couple of times. I thought he lost it long ago, personally.
I know, I know. An easy cheap shot. It's OK. I hate Nicolas. I want to make him suffer the ultimate punishment.
Grab a pen, Nic. You're writing my thank-you cards.
10:28 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas and Chris just said to each other. Was that design speak?
10:29 p.m. Mott shaves.
Mott.
:-)
10:29 p.m. Does Epperson have a "Mood" bag?
Whoa. Even I have limits.
10:29 p.m. God, Logan annoys me. Every time he speaks, I want to slug him as hard as humanly possible. To all the female viewers who find him attractive: He's into Carol!! I mean, he loses points for that, doesn't he?
10:30 p.m. Use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully, people. It's not a toy.
10:31 p.m. Which of these women on the show (including the models) would do the wedding thank-you cards themselves and not involve their husbands? Thoughts?
10:34 p.m. Ramona: "Hi husband!!"
:-)
10:37 p.m. Another non-flattering outfit for Heidi. What is she, taking a week off?
10:38 p.m. I like Irina's dress. No. 2 on the women's hotness chart.
10:38 p.m. Carol's dress looks like someone who chain smokes and hitchhikers would wear.
I'm sure Logan likes it.
10:38 p.m. Ramona: "It must be hard to be a fat woman in fashion."
She said it, I didn't.
10:39 p.m. Ramona again:
"OK, if you were a fat lady in fashion, wouldn't you just be hating yourself all the time because you're surrounded by all these skinny people?"
Any answer I give will come back to haunt me later.
10:40 p.m. All three hot women are in.
And none of them are fat.
10:42 p.m. Nicolas' model wants to take over the Earth, says Nicolas.
God, he's a moron.
10:44 p.m. Louise uses the word "flapper" to describe her dress. Chris' dress says "vampire."
Did someone spike the water cooler in the design room or something?
10:45 p.m. Mott names his model Lola.
Mott and Lola, sittin' in a tree...
10:45 p.m. Think Mott would write my thank-you cards in Klingon?
10:48 p.m. What is a flapper?
10:48 p.m. From Wikipedia:
"The term flapper in the 1920s referred to a 'new breed' of young women who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to the new jazz music, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms."
So...1920s slut?
10:53 p.m. Me to Ramona:
"Hey babe, you want to write the rest of the thank-you cards? Your handwriting is much nicer than mine."
Ramona glares.
Sigh.
10:56 p.m. Gordana ("S? What's an S?") and Epperson are in.
10:57 p.m. Nicolas wins. There is no God.
10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Louise and Mott are in the bottom two.
10:58 p.m. Ramona is really worried that Louise is going to be voted out. She hearts Louise. Lord knows why.
10:58 p.m. Mott's out??? But he's Mott!!!
10:59 p.m. OK, so Ramona went from fearing for Louise's life to booing the decision to vote Mott out. She calls the decision bulls*** and even screams racism.
Me: "But didn't you want Louise to stay?"
Ramona: "But not at the expense of Ra'Mon. Jesus, do you know me at all?"
Women. Don't understand them. Shouldn't try.
Final thoughts:
Another weird elimination. Ra'Mon really didn't deserve to go home. He essentially did the team challenge by himself, he made a lettuce-colored dress look cool, and didn't he win one week? Louise or Gordana definitely should've gone before him.
Also: NICOLAS MUST DIE!!! I mean, c'mon: He's creepy!! Would you want him around your kids? He screams "Columbine". That's right, I said it. And don't tell me you weren't thinking it!! You've been thinking it for weeks and so have I!! Let's get it out in the open.
Nicolas wins and I'm writing wedding thank-you cards.
Life sucks.
Until next time.
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6 comments:
A tip,, write about five cards a day and then mail them all out at once. Do not stagger the mailing because you will get passive agressive phone calls asking if you got the gift because so and so got one and they did not.
Also for cash I go with generous, very generous and extremely generous depending on how much they sent.
Otherwise...thanks for the lovely vase, however I did get one just like it, would you mind sending a recipt so I can exchange it.
Or, you just say Thanks for the lovely vase, now Ramona will be able to brandish the vase at me when she complains that I never get her flowers.
He gets me flowers all the time ASM :)
My husband didn't write one damned note! However, he does get me flowers... can't win 'em all!
nicolas took the white witch's dress from the latest remake of The Lion, Witch, & Wardrobe down a notch--HOW IS THIS AWESOMELY CREATIVE? i feel the hate, my friends, the hate's comin' on...you disappoint me, P.R., NO, NOT MY PRECIOUS MOTT! he was one of the prettiest girl's THERE, for crying out loud! and he had drama school wanna-be brittish/overly-thought out diction! along with his rail thin exotic comeliness! what more do you need to succeed in fashion, please-what more do you need? mott-ramone, you will be missed-remember, better to die in battle than be taken prisoner, bud...p.s. can't wait to check out MAUSOLEUM, that is right up my b/f's alley...
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