Episode 13: Wedding Dresses, Leanne's Boring Boyfriend, And Jerell's Brief Manly Vibe: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So one of my loyal readers, Kristi, passed along a link this morning featuring a 90-second clip of the Project Runway final four on Regis and Kelly. Be warned: If you watch it, you will see the following disturbing images:

---Korto and Kenley hugging.

---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.

---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.

Leanne does nothing.

As is the norm.

With that said, Episode 12:

9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.

9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.

9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.

9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.

I'm confused.

9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?

9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.

9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.

9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.

9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.

9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.

9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.

As they show a picture of a tree.

Portland.

They got trees.

9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.

It was nice while it lasted.

9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.

Does Leanne have any friends?

:-(

9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:

"From South Central to gay runway designer."

Quite an accomplishment.

9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.

9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.

Jerell cries.

You knew it was only a matter of time.

9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."

It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.

9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.

Uh-huh.

9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.

9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.

9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.

Now the healing can begin.

9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.

9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.

God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.

9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.

Either way, problem solved.

9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.

Win-win for all involved.

9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.

Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"

Trust me: Nathan said that.

9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.

(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)

9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.

9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.

9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:

Topacio.

9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.

Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."

I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.

9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.

9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.

9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.

Final thoughts:

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.

As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.

Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.