Season Finale: Kenley's Leaves, Korto's Ugly Mom, And Leanne's Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

As happens every week, my running diary of tonight's season finale will no doubt be filled with criticisms about how dumb this show is (I don't even get to see J-Lo as a celebrity judge. WTF?) so let me take a moment to say something nice:

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)

But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)

So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...

You're stupid.

:-)

And now, the season finale:

9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.

Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.

9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.

9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."

As am I.

9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).

9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."

9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.

9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.

Kenley: "She's insane."

My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."

Me: "She's insane."

(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)

9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.

9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."

There's a contradiction in there somewhere.

9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.

Good dog.

9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.

9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.

OK then.

9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.

While wearing leaves in her hair.

9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!

Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."

9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?

Run, Korto's husband. Run.

Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.

9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.

9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."

9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:

"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."

Uh, ya think?

9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.

I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?

9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?

9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.

Just sayin'.

9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.

9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?

9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.

9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.

9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.

9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:

"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"

9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.

9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?

9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.

9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.

9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.

9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"

Yeah.

Final thoughts:

Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?

And the honest answer is:

Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?

Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog (www.nevdogg.blogspot.com) and my podcast (www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com)

Auf Wiedersehen.

(Kiss. Kiss.)

A Heidi See-Through I Missed, Different Thoughts On Jerell, And A Kenley Fact That Makes Me Feel Better: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

Sorry for the delay in the mailbag. I was up at Stanford for my fiancee's alumni weekend. It gave me an opportunity to remind myself of why I hate sports bars. They're loud, full of drunks, you can't move, and you can't hear the TV.

It's like being at a family function.

Anyways, the final mailbag before the season finale. Kristi isn't happy. Why is that?

If they would have gotten rid of Kenley last week like they were supposed too, my beloved Jerell wouldn't be gone. OK, so his bridesmaid dress was a hot mess, but who cares. He's Jerell. He's fabulous.

And it kills me to admit this, but Kenley's wedding and bridesmaid dress were kinda cute.

I just hope she doesn't win. PR can't disappoint me like that!

P.S. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spend half of your post discussing Heidi's see-through shirt from the beginning of the episode.

Admittedly, I missed that. It's time you know: I'm like most males. After a while, I get bored and need variety.

Jessie wrote:

I'm in agreement with Kristi.... I can't believe you didn't mention Heidi's shirts. I think both of them were see-through.

All right all right. Next time Heidi wears a see-through, I'll write about that and nothing else. Just to keep y'all happy.

Orion wrote:

Jerell's dress was ridiculous. I thought the bridesmaid's dress was quite good. His "love interest" turned my stomach. And the mental image of them together? That was enough for me to want him auf'd.

Leanne's dresses were both really nicely done and it was nice to see Karalyn again. I like how the bridesmaid dress covered up the knife wound scar in Karalyn's back.

Korto's was, disappointing. But I think what was more disappointing was her hair in Little Rock.

Kenley's was awesome but.... She has no friends and family? At all?! Just a picture of gran? That was really, REALLY sad and made me empathize (or is it sympathize) with her all the more.

It's sympathize. I'm an editor. I know these things.

Gay.after.a.few wrote:

Thanks for the updates, Nev. I've ditched the show for baseball. I'll watch the finally (yes "finally," not "finale") with the gf. I did see a picture of Kenley's wedding gown. WTF? All that was missing was a birdcage hat. How'd you like to see your fiancee come down the aisle in that? You're right about one thing: bridesmaids are easy.

Aren't they? And here's the funny thing: Maids of honor are not. They're harder to climb than Everest. But bridesmaids are the opposite. Is it jealousy on their end? Is it because the MOH is too busy keeping the bride in check?

And finally, my good friend Sylvia wrote:

Just had to let you know all you really have in common with Kenley is the grandma reference. She is from Florida and moved to Brooklyn. Hope that makes you feel a little better. =)

Sylvia, you have no idea. :-)

Episode 13: Wedding Dresses, Leanne's Boring Boyfriend, And Jerell's Brief Manly Vibe: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

So one of my loyal readers, Kristi, passed along a link this morning featuring a 90-second clip of the Project Runway final four on Regis and Kelly. Be warned: If you watch it, you will see the following disturbing images:

---Korto and Kenley hugging.

---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.

---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.

Leanne does nothing.

As is the norm.

With that said, Episode 12:

9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.

9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.

9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.

9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.

I'm confused.

9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?

9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.

9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.

9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.

9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.

9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.

9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.

As they show a picture of a tree.

Portland.

They got trees.

9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.

It was nice while it lasted.

9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.

Does Leanne have any friends?

:-(

9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:

"From South Central to gay runway designer."

Quite an accomplishment.

9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.

9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.

Jerell cries.

You knew it was only a matter of time.

9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."

It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.

9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.

Uh-huh.

9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.

9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.

9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.

Now the healing can begin.

9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.

9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.

God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.

9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.

Either way, problem solved.

9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.

Win-win for all involved.

9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.

Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"

Trust me: Nathan said that.

9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.

(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)

9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.

9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.

9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:

Topacio.

9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.

Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."

I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.

9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.

9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.

9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.

Final thoughts:

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.

As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.

Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.

It's Official: No One Likes This Show: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag:

If the comments I received after last episode were any indication, I'm not the only one who hates this show (damn, I thought I had the market cornered). Check out what readers had to say:

Another Suburban Mom said:

The ending was lame. I was watching Criminal Minds last night and turned on PR for the last five minutes.

I think they did that because the producers don't want Kenley to go.

If I was Miss Jerrell, I would be pissed!

ASM, I would love nothing more than to only watch the last five minutes of the show, find out who lost, and then bullshit the first 55 minutes of the blog. Hell, I doubt anyone would even notice. Just talk about Korto's ass, Kenley's self-esteem issues, and Jerell's crying and ironing. Who would know the difference?

Kristi said:

I knew they were going to pull a stunt like not eliminating anyone. Last year PR did the same thing.

I can't believe they didn't send Kenley home. I so do not want to watch 12 50s style dresses come down the runway.

And the thing is, Kenley has no endearing qualities. She's not pretty, her voice makes you want to pull out her tongue and strangle her, and her clothes aren't even good enough to be considered bad in a "oh man that's so bad that it's actually funny" kind of way. How hard could it be to tell her to go home and throw her clothes out of the window? I'd of volunteered for luggage tossing duty.

And finally, Stephanie said:

Okay but seriously, Kenley's dress looked so ridiculous, and she needs to shut the fuck up and stop trying to defend herself.

Any artist worth their salt will listen to critique, evaluate it, and then decide whether or not it's something that they should address in their work. Kenley never even listens.

I've never met a woman who listens.

Even the female dog I had growing up would just sit there when I told her to get my slippers.

Damn dog.

Episode 12: Jerell Plays With Syrup, Everyone Hates Kenley, And "Tulle": A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Since I forgot to plug my other blogs during my last mailbag...and because I have nothing interesting to say in the moments prior to tonight's episode, here are my plugs:

www.nevdogg.blogspot.com This week, I talk about the rising prices of double cheeseburgers: How the downfall of the U.S. economy affects me. :-)

And there's my most recent podcast at www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com This week's topics include: A salute to football's barbarism, the cost to pray during Jewish New Year's, and a "shocking" study that says texting while driving is dangerous (yes, millions of dollars were spent figuring this out.)

I offer this guarantee: You'll find at least one of these more entertaining than tonight's episode.

If I don't deliver on this guarantee, I'll send you a personal expired, out-of-state check.

You can take that to the bank.

And with that, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Korto is giving the whole "going after my dreams" speech. Her fat ass needs to go after a cardio bike, that's what I think.

9:01 p.m. Kenley says Leanne made her last outfit look like a fool's outfit. Yeah, that was it.

9:02 p.m. Jerell is playing with syrup and apples.

Now, if you were about to walk into a room and saw someone on the floor playing with syrup and apples, and that person was older than 10, wouldn't you...pause?

9:02 p.m. OK, that is seriously the hottest I have ever seen Heidi. Can we get a "make Heidi wear leopard print in every remaining episode" petition going?

9:03 p.m. Kenley doesn't know where they're going on their field trip. Why is it that every time they venture outside, someone says, "I don't know where we're going." Of course you don't know. That's the point. It's supposed to be a surprise. Like when your parents make you think you're going to Disneyland and they actually drop you off at the dentist.

9:05 p.m. Collier Strong (???) tells the designers to create an evening gown inspired by nature. If I was doing this challenge, I'd gain inspiration by pissing on a tree.

It would take me back to my youth.

9:06 p.m. A bee stings Leanne. When a bee stings someone, doesn't that bee die?

Poor bee. What a waste.

9:07 p.m. Now Korto's giving the whole "win one for my mamma" speech. Christ, shut up and drink a Slim Fast.

9:10 p.m. Now Korto's singing. Everything she does tonight is bugging me. I hope she trips.

9:10 p.m. Jerell is seriously mumbling. I can't understand a word he's saying tonight. Something about "garments" and "low class." Keep him away from my syrup.

9:10 p.m. Leanne's outfit is "organic." I once wrote a blog talking about this organic myth. Read about it here. The gist: Preservatives and hormones will help you live forever.

9:11 p.m. Kenley asks, "Where's my tool?" Is that a reference to Daniel?

9:11 p.m. Fun little tidbit from fiancee Ramona:

"Tool is actually 'tulle', Nev."

I'll file that under "useless fact."

9:16 p.m. Kenley isn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Which is why she looks at everyone else longingly, with those "I'm so lonely" eyes.

9:17 p.m. Jerell's "tulle" is not for sale.

"Tulle."

9:18 p.m. Tim says Kenley can get another "tulle."

"Tulle."

9:18 p.m. Korto is stressed. I hope she loses her "tulle."

This is fun.

"Tulle."

9:19 p.m. You know it's bad when Jerell is making fun of Kenley to his model. That's like speaking about your ex-girlfriend to your dog. In both scenarios, the response you get is a blank stare and some licks.

9:21 p.m. Kenley has always been left out and she doesn't know why.

Ramona: "You don't know why? It's because you're a bitch. No one likes you."

Couldn't have said it better.

9:22 p.m. Kenley's dad was a tugboat captain. Somehow, that explains a lot.

9:27 p.m. Korto's talking about one-inch trims and she thinks we care.

9:27 p.m. Tim says Kenley's dress looks like fish scales. Kenley takes that as a compliment.

Those two just aren't on the same page. Kind of like North and South Korea.

9:28 p.m. Now Jerell refers to his design as organic. Just once, I'd like someone to refer to their outfit as "greasy."

9:30 p.m. In case you weren't 100 percent sure that Jerell was gay:

He's crying.

As he irons.

9:30 p.m. Korto prays.

And cries.

I hope her ass makes her topple off her chair.

9:31 p.m. Kenley hates what everyone does. Daughter of tugboat captains are pretty negative, I hear.

9:37 p.m. Does Michael Kors ever change his clothes?

9:37 p.m. I have no idea who the guest judge is, but she's hot as hell. That's all that matters.

9:38 p.m. Jerell isn't wearing one of his "psycho, dictator-ish" hats during the judging. Doesn't he know anything about superstition?

9:40 p.m. Hot celebrity judge speaks. Who cares what's she saying? She has pouty lips.

9:40 p.m. Is hot celebrity judge hotter than Heidi? Or is it just me craving a change of pace 12 episodes in? You decide.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's model reminds me of a dog. She doesn't smile, she blinks randomly, and she occassionally tilts her head. It makes make want to throw her a ball and see if she'll run after it.

9:43 p.m. OK, even hot celebrity judge doesn't get a pass for the third "organic" comment of the evening. Christ, what does that even mean? The dress doesn't have that recyclyed, reusable look?

9:43 p.m. Kenley said she wanted to stay away from pretty.

Mission accomplished.

9:43 p.m. Judge Nina just now realizes that Kenley gets defensive. Welcome to the show, sweetheart.

9:44 p.m. You go, Michael Kors (who never changes his clothes). He's the first one to make Kenley shut up.

9:44 p.m. Jerell's about to cry. I'm going to drink some syrup.

9:46 p.m. Korto's a mother and she still has a dream. Jerell cries. I heave.

9:46 p.m. Kenley says she's fought her way through life. What? You had to eat non-organic foods?

9:47 p.m. Kenley insults Korto. Korto fights back. They should battle in a tugboat match. Loser loses their "tulle."

"Tulle."

Tee hee.

9:49 p.m. Hot celebrity judge has a British accent. Her hotness factor has risen.

9:50 p.m. Michael Kors: "If a buyer tells Kenley, 'I don't like that sleeve,' what's she going to do? Take a knife and kill them?"

I wouldn't be surprised. That girl has issues.

9:53 p.m. During the commercial, Ramona gives me a rundown of how previous Project Runways did the final episodes. I tune her out.

9:57 p.m. Jerell wins. Jerell cries. Jerell goes off to play with apples.

9:57 p.m. Everybody will make collections for Fashion Week. No one loses. To all you Kenley haters out there: She remains a New York cockroach.

9:58 p.m. Group hug. Sans Kenley. Feel the love and the tension. Like a bad relationship.

Final thoughts:

So following the show, Ramona had to spend 15 minutes explaining to me three things: 1) What collections were. 2) What Fashion Week was. And 3) The fact that this last challenge was essentially pointless because Jerell got nothing for winning and no one got eliminated.

So essentially, I just wasted an hour of my life. While baseball playoffs are on.

Thanks.

You're all "tulles."

"Tulles."

:-)