Project Run(A)Way: A Hater's Perspective

Episode 14: A TV In The Bathroom Mirror, An Ugly Fashion Expert, And Michael Kors' Sunglasses: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-11-22T16:42:00.000-08:00

My wife Ramona and I just came back from Las Vegas, celebrating her friend Lauren's 30th birthday, and we stayed at the Trump International Hotel. The highlight of the hotel room?

There was a television in the bathroom mirror.

I say again:

A television in the bathroom mirror.

Now that's class.

It's also nonsensical.

But still class.

:-)

And with that, the season finale. Ramona is watching with me:

10:01 p.m. Carol looks strung out and talks about "her head in the toilet."

She's screaming for help.

10:01 p.m. Irina says she feels bad for Carol. In other words, she couldn't care less.

10:02 p.m. I'm really annoyed that I have to listen to Logan talk again.

10:02 p.m. You know what the problem with Gordana is? Her chin sags. I mean, it's just odd.

10:03 p.m. Ramona thinks Carol has swine flu. Perhaps she got it with a tainted needle...

10:04 p.m. Althea is talking about smudge, which is sexy to me for some reason.

10:04 p.m. What's up with Althea's big-ass hat? Did Logan help her dress?

10:05 p.m. Speaking of Althea, she's got her "I'm in college and heading to the library" outfit on.

Complete with big-ass hat.

10:05 p.m. Did Tim dye his hair blond? It's weird.

10:06 p.m. I miss my TV in the bathroom mirror. :-(

10:06 p.m. Ramona: "I like Althea's hat. I feel like she stole it from Logan."

The wife and I: We're in sync. :-)

10:07 p.m. Althea is overwhelmed and Tim gives her the "make it work moment" speech that's sure to make anyone move mountains and part seas.

10:07 p.m. Tim to Carol: "I hear you had a relapse."

See?

10:08 p.m. Is it just me, or do this week's models actually have curves to them?

10:15 p.m. Carol took a hit/has more energy today.

10:16 p.m. Jesus. Irina practically threw Gordana to the floor.

10:17 p.m. I watched ESPN in my bathroom this morning.

10:17 p.m. The alarm goes off at 3:15 a.m. That's when Carol usually stammers home and Althea gets up to milk the cows.

10:18 p.m. Carol's dress looks like prom night in the 1980s.

10:19 p.m. OK, I heard before the show on the radio that Tim "loses it." He raises his voice for, like, 10 seconds. Big deal.

10:19 p.m. Ramona is upset that Tim is upset. I'm staying strong for both of them.

10:24 p.m. What's up with Heidi's business suit? Ick.

10:25 p.m. Michael Kors is wearing shades. Dude...

10:25 p.m. Suzy Menkes...Jesus.

10:25 p.m. Awwww!!!! Althea is so shy. So cute.

10:26 p.m. The models are modeling the clothes. This is where I tune out. Gonna check out some fantasy football scores.

10:27 p.m. Let me say one thing about Althea's African-American model: It's weird to see the woman's outlining of her breasts while she wears a coat. It's just...off.

10:28 p.m. Carol walks out to a standing ovation. Is she getting the druggie sympathy vote or something?

10:28 p.m. OK Michael Kors, those glasses have got to go. You ain't cool. And Top Gun was way back in 1985.

10:30 p.m. All these clothes have ruffles.

10:31 p.m. Irina babbles about New York, women, and going at it. Next time, sweetie, prepare your remarks.

10:32 p.m. What's with all these coats and hoods?

10:33 p.m. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the bathroom while watching TV? I have. Thank you, Donald Trump.

10:33 p.m. Epperson is briefly interviewed and is dressed like a train conductor.

10:38 p.m. What's on Suzy's head? Is that hair?

10:40 p.m. Ramona: "What's on the front of her head?"

:-)

10:43 p.m. Someone wake me when they pick a winner.

10:45 p.m. Suzy talks like she has chocolates in her mouth.

10:47 p.m.. I swear to God, every time Suzy speaks, I think of tea.

10:48 p.m. The judges huddle up. As if they haven't already picked a winner.

10:48 p.m. I crack my knuckles.

10:50 p.m. You know what's strange? I think I would take Michael Kors more seriously if I heard him speak with his sunglasses on.

10:55 p.m. Season 7 of Project Runway begins Jan. 14. But I won't be blogging it.

I know you're crushed.

10:56 p.m. Carol won't win. Down to the two hot girls.

10:57 p.m. Ramona: "Are you checking your fantasy football?"

Damn it. Caught in the act.

10:58 p.m. Irina wins. And now she hugs Althea like they'll be friends forever.

Final thoughts:

I just want to thank everyone who read my blog this season. I got more than 5,000 hits this season, which is pretty good for a blog that started solely on word of mouth. That said, this will indeed be the last season I blog about the show. I'm going to focus on my other projects and, quite frankly, two seasons of this show is all I can stand.

Please continue to check out my main blog: nevdogg.blogspot.com It needs your love and support. :-)

Later everybody!!

Season Finale Recap To Be Posted Sunday Night

2009-11-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'll be in Vegas this weekend. :-)

Episode 13: I Join Twitter, Carol Gets Clean And Then Relapses, And The Althea-Irina Feud Continues: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-11-15T13:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I became one of the millions who have joined Twitter.

Want to know what brand of paper towels I prefer?

Now you'll know.

Twitter.

Full of my many and varied useless facts about my day-to-day life.

:-)

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. By the way, a friend told me a few days ago that this is a two-part season finale. That's some bull**** right there.

10:02 p.m. The designers are getting $9,000 to make their collections. Is it safe to give Carol that much money?

10:02 p.m. Was Heidi grinding on Tim? Whoa...

10:02 p.m. Althea speaks about the tension with Irina. I have the solution:

Mud wrestling.

10:03 p.m. Wow, Carol actually looks fairly normal!! See what rehab can do?

10:04 p.m. If Tim appeared at my apartment in that suit, I'd feel a little uncomfortable. He'd be the nicest thing in my house, I'll tell you that right now.

10:04 p.m. I'm wearing white-colored socks. Find out more on Twitter.

10:05 p.m. Carol is going to have Tim cook some biscuits!! Diggin' the apron, Tim!!

10:05 p.m. A buck says Tim's biscuits will be color-coordinated.

10:07 p.m. Carol's dad gives the "I'm a proud dad" speech to Tim that never, ever works.

10:08 p.m. OK, Althea can gain 45 pounds and still wouldn't overtake Althea on the hotness poll this week. And all because of that damn dog Princess. I love dogs, but not those dogs. Shoot it.

10:08 p.m. And I'm tired of hearing about Irina and her foreign past. Your family are foreigners and struggled. We get it.

10:10 p.m. Now Tim is gonna meet Irina's parents. Now we're going to hear the whole "we're counting on our parents to make a life for themselves in America" speech.

10:10 p.m. Irina's sister is hot.

10:12 p.m. Irina's mom: "As a mother, I'm a winner too. Because I have daughter like her."

Please shut up.

10:12 p.m. Please tell me Tim did not just say "To the American dream." Can we perpetuate the stereotype any further?

10:12 p.m. I went to the gym today. Read more on Twitter.

10:18 p.m. Althea has been inspired by sci-fi movies.

Ob boy.

10:19 p.m. How did Althea get that tan in Ohio?

It's bloggers like me who ask the important questions.

10:19 p.m. Awwwwww!!! Althea has the hometown boyfriend!!!

He'll be replaced as soon as she moves to New York.

Sorry, pal. Better to hear it from me.

10:22 p.m. Irina finds out from Tim that the birds she wants to use on her clothes are copyrighted and can't be used.

And her world begins to crumble.

I'm holding up OK, if you're curious.

10:24 p.m. Althea and Irina give the "Oh my God, let's pretend we're friends and ignore that we absolutely can't stand each other" kind of hug that only females do.

I'm telling you: Mud wrestling.

10:25 p.m. Here's the difference between men and women: If I was forced to be in a hotel suite with a guy I absolutely couldn't stand and wasn't allowed to toss him out the window, we'd stay in our separate rooms and never, ever speak. We would not be talking on a couch.

10:30 p.m. "I gotta pee." My latest Twitter update.

10:30 p.m. Carol is sick.

Relapse.

10:31 p.m. Althea and Irina tell each other how sorry they are that Carol is sick, but both of them are happy. Men would admit that to each other.

10:32 p.m. Althea is happy that the workroom is blue.

Gotta love Ohio chicks.

10:33 p.m. Carol makes her triumphant return. Check for track marks on her end.

10:34 p.m. Tim is wearing a turtleneck. Time to talk about my turtleneck theory:

Turtlenecks can only be worn by one of two types of men:

Pretty boys.

And:

Gays.

I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

10:35 p.m. Ouch!! Tim described one of Althea's pieces as "borderline Hillary Clinton." Damn, even I felt that one.

10:35 p.m. Irina makes the subtle "Hey Althea, you copied me" reference. Men would just say flat-out, "YOU COPIED ME YOU ******* ASS*****!!!! and then rumble on the ground.

Men are more civilized.

10:39 p.m. I looked up Tim Gunn on Twitter:

"I'm so excited for the next episode of Our Show Project Runway tomorrow. Even though I know what will happen."

Tim, that was just boring.

10:44 p.m. The designers interview the models and the models all look the same: Like sticks.

Women with meat on their bones everywhere are smiling.

:-)

10:45 p.m. Michael Kors and Nina Garcia drop in. It's like your boss coming over for dinner. It's supposed to be light and friendly, but it's so not.

10:46 p.m. I wonder if Althea is finding those blue walls calming.

10:47 p.m. Can I just tell you how mad I am that I have to watch this crap for one more week? Jesus.

10:47 p.m. Just got a text message from my friend, cousin-in-law and podcast partner Mike:

"Just joined Twitter. Mfeldman."

You can't make this stuff up.

10:49 p.m. Heidi drops by and is wearing Maudi Gras beads.

10:53 p.m. Tim and Heidi have one final surprise:

Heidi: "You have one more look to create."

I was really pinning my hopes on "mud wrestling tournament." This is why the show's ratings are down.

10:54 p.m. Logan, Chris and Gordana are here to help. Great, got to deal with these yahoos for another episode.

10:54 p.m. Althea picks Logan, Irina picks Gordana and Carol is stuck with Chris.

Can you feel the worry of Althea's boyfriend back in Ohio? I do. Poor guy.

10:55 p.m. Gordana: "We all need that postivinpoot."

Ever here of Rosetta Stone?

10:56 p.m. The designers go to the New York Mood. Difference? None.

10:57 p.m. I now have four followers on Twitter!!

10:59 p.m. Carol's sick again.

Withdrawals.

Final thoughts:

One more episode and this crap is over. :-)

A couple of things:

1) My season finale recap won't be posted until Nov. 22. I will be in Vegas Nov. 20 and 21.

2) This will be the last season of the Project Runway blog. I really appreciate all the support this season, but the show is waning in the ratings and I want to focus on my other projects.

So next week, this is it.

Try to stay strong.

Until next time.

Season Finale Recap To Be Posted Sunday

2009-11-12T20:08:00.000-08:00

Until then. :-)

Hug A Jew, Girls Hatin' On Each Other, And Chris Inspired By Algae: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-11-07T16:11:00.001-08:00

Did you know there's a national "Hug A Jew Day"?

Apparently, last February there was a national movement encouraging Jews -- and I'm guessing maybe even non-Jews as well -- to give other Jews a hug.

So if you have the need to hug a Jew in your life but are afraid to do so, in a few months you'll have an excuse.

I'm a Jew, but if you see me walking down the street in February, don't hug me.

A simple "Hey Nev!!" -- from a safe distance -- will suffice.

:-)

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Althea and Irina are fighting. I told you the hotness poll shakeup would cause waves.

10:01 p.m. Irina looks sad. If you're a Jew, hug her. She'll feel better.

10:02 p.m. I can finally understand what Gordana is saying and she's giving this whole "for my country" speech. I liked it better when she mumbled.

10:03 p.m. Heidi Klum is showing off her shoulders.

Heidi, I'm Jewish. Hug me.

10:03 p.m. OK, explain something to me: Why is Althea wearing heels? She's already insanely tall. Why do you want to be taller? Is she playing hoops later? Ladies, enlighten me.

10:03 p.m. L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa? Is it election time already, Tony?

10:03 p.m. Use the Getty Center to get inspired. I sense a lot of abstract nonsense coming.

10:04 p.m. Sad to say, though I lived in L.A., I've never been to the Getty. I know, I know. It's a sin.

10:06 p.m. If I'm watching these people get a tour of the Getty, does this qualify as me going?

10:06 p.m. Chris is inspired by a fountain. In other words, he's the only one inspired by something that isn't art.

This must be the week he goes.

10:07 p.m. Tim: "Our visit to the Getty was staggering, wasn't it?"

You know what, Tim? It was. It really was.

10:07 p.m. Gordana's mumbling again. And all is right with the world.

10:07 p.m. Althea has gotten rid of that 80s big hair look. She's making a push to be back on top in the hotness poll.

10:10 p.m. Chris: "For someone like me (who sucks)..."

OK, I added the "who sucks." But let's face it: He should've said it.

10:14 p.m. This February, hug a Jew.

10:15 p.m. Althea is feeling "alone." Well Althea, here's something to make you feel better:

You have reclaimed your spot on top of the hotness poll.

Congrats, Althea. Continue to lay off the Fritos.

10:16 p.m. Everyone's getting pissy. They need hugs from a Jew.

10:17 p.m. I have more than one female friend who tell me that they don't have close female friends because they can't really trust other females. And the way that Carol, Irina, Althea and Gordana are bickering at one another, I can see why.

10:17 p.m. Irina's dad is stressed out that she ain't married yet. Well Irina's pappy, with your daughter's bitchy attitude, it ain't happenin' anytime soon.

10:18 p.m. Tim to Carol: "You're going across the boddess?"

OK, that just sounded strange.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Irina and Gordana loves it. It's because they're women and women can't trust other women, according to my women friends.

10:19 p.m. Tim is ripping Althea and Irina smiles.

Damn.

10:20 p.m. Gordana "is a very spiritual person." Which means paintings make her cry.

10:21 p.m. Hey models: This February, find a Jew to hug.

10:21 p.m. Chris: "I'm the odd duck of the group."

Translation: I'm a guy.

10:23 p.m. Althea leans back, accentuating her breasts.

(thumbs up)

10:29 p.m. Chris writes down the following inspiration words:

"It's A Big Day."

(rolls eyes)

10:29 p.m. Now I could've lived the rest of my life without ever seeing Carol curling her eyelashes.

10:29 p.m. Althea and Gordana laugh, pretending they're friends.

10:31 p.m. Gordana: "I believe I definitely hit the challenge on the target."

And that's what they call: Broken English.

10:32 p.m. Chris "has to do what's right for me." After all:

It's A Big Day.

10:37 p.m. Three huge things:

1) Heidi's looking hot.

2) Althea is back to her big-hair thing.

And 3) Two people will be eliminated this week.

Ooooooooooooo.

10:37 p.m. Cindy Crawford is a celebrity judge. Now that's taste.

10:41 p.m. Heidi wants to take several things off Irina's model.

And the mind starts to wander...

10:42 p.m. Do you think Cindy will hug a Jew in February?

10:44 p.m. Chris cries and gives a "no one else but me would see the beauty of rock and algae" speech.

Seriously: Vote this guy off.

10:47 p.m. All the designers talk about why they should move on and who should come with them.

A perfect time to check my e-mail.

10:47 p.m. I've become part of an e-mail string in which two friends of mine are arguing whether a dog peed on my friend's leg last night or simply next to my friend's leg.

10:49 p.m. Now I'm reading about the best way to get ketchup out of a bottle.

10:50 p.m. Hug a Jew in February. It will change your life.

10:54 p.m. Even though I'm Jewish, do you feel offended by my "hug a Jew" references? Let me apologize...with a hug in February.

10:55 p.m. Irina's in. Her dad is no doubt sad since this won't land her a man anytime soon.

10:55 p.m. Chris is out. Thank God.

10:56 p.m. Carol is in. Can she stay clean long enough?

10:57 p.m. Althea is in. Both hotness poll girls are in the final 3!!! That mean's Gordana's gone.

Final thoughts:

Honestly, I could care less who went to the final 3. It's all the same nonsense to me. I'm happy to see both Althea and Irina advance, and thrilled that Chris is finally out so that I don't have to see him cry anymore. But honestly, I have little to say except the following inspirational words:

Althea: Lose the big hair.

Irina: Get a man.

Carol: Get sober.

Chris: Grow a set.

And Gordana, two important words for you:

Wrinkle cream.

Until next time.

Episode 12 Recap To Be Posted Saturday

2009-11-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

Carry on. :-)

Episode 11: Althea Gets Fat, Logan's Greasy Hair, And A Change In the Hotness Rankings: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I went shopping for my Halloween costume a few days ago and saw a horrible sight. A girl, around the age of 12, shopping with her mom and having the following conversation:

Girl: Mommmmmm!!! I wanna dress like a naughty cop for Halloween!!

Mom: No!!

Girl: But all my other friends are wearing it!!

Mom: No Pamela!!

Girl: You never let me wear anything fun!!

Mom: Pamela, do you want boys to look at you like a slut?

Girl: Yes!! Sluts get to have fun, Mom!!

You know, I used to think that when I have kids, I'd want daughters.

No more.

And with that, the show is starting:

10:01 p.m. Chris: "I've just got to get the judges to get it."

Right. That's the problem.

10:01 p.m. Irina feels that women have a very valid point when it comes to dressing women.

And you know what's sad? That dumb statement makes her hotter. I'm sorry, but it does.

10:02 p.m. Whoa!! Althea looks terrible!! Is that the first signs of a double chin? And what's with this big hair recently? My friend Tiffany argues with me every other week that Althea looks like a "gremloin" (which actually was meant to be "gremlin" but sounded so weird and funny that it just stuck). And with Irina looking good...

I don't know. I must ponder.

10:02 p.m. Gordana's gonna be a witch for Halloween.

I know. Too easy.

10:03 p.m. The designers are facing away from the runway. Oh my stars.

10:03 p.m. The designers turn around to see their winning looks. They must create a companion piece for it.

This should be interesting for about...never.

10:04 p.m. Logan has a massive case of hat head during his interview. All that's missing is a blue blazer and a bow tie.

10:04 p.m. Irina is wearing too much makeup. I....

Damn. I don't know.

10:05 p.m. You know what sucks? I was going to make a bunch of Althea "naught cop for Halloween" references tonight, and now I can't because she looks terrible. Damn it!!

10:05 p.m. Gordana talks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:05 p.m. Chris talks. He's boring. I tune out.

10:06 p.m. Is Carol looking especially drugged out today?

10:06 p.m. Logan: "What do I need?"

Shampoo.

10:07 p.m. Chris initially looks for black. But then he decides to 'change it up" and picks white.

Go bold, Chris. Go bold.

10:07 p.m. Carol should be Tara Reid for Halloween.

10:09 p.m. Carol's concept is "still developing."

Like her breasts.

10:09 p.m. Carol is trying to wrap her brain around things.

That will take some time.

10:09 p.m. Althea's hips have practically doubled in size. Jesus, what happened?

10:09 p.m. And Althea's ass has grown.

10:10 p.m. Gordana speaks. Not getting a word.

10:16 p.m. Because no one can understand what Gordana is saying, they show a picture of her as a kid. There's a caption that says "Age 4."

Because if Gordana said "Age 4", we wouldn't understand it.

10:17 p.m. Christopher thinks that when his design walks down the aisle, the judges will say: "That's a Christopher piece."

Um, brother, that's not a good thing.

10:18 p.m. I'm worried that Tim tells Carol: "Make magic." I'm afraid she'll think that's slang for crack.

10:18 p.m. You know what Irina needs to overtake Althea in the hotness poll on a week where Althea isn't looking good? Tim Gunn. Tim, give Irina some advice on how to be hotter. No one knows female hotness like gay men. Everyone knows this.

10:20 p.m. Tim is looking at Althea with a "damn you got fat" look in his eyes.

10:20 p.m. All right, that's it.

IRINA HAS OVEETAKEN ALTHEA ON THE HOTNESS POLL!!!

As Tim says: "Definitely in the 'wow' category."

10:21 p.m. Conversation between Tim and Gordana:

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Really?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: You do?

Gordana: (mumble mumble mumble)

Tim: Well then, you just have to stand by that.

Good ol' Tim. Pretending he understands.

10:21 p.m. Oh that's just what Althea needs. Fries.

10:22 p.m. Designers to models: "Get naked."

Unreal.

10:23 p.m. Althea, who looks fatter after the fries, is still bitching and moaning about Logan's zipper design. I mean, Jesus you fat ass, let it go.

10:29 p.m. For Halloween, Logan should go as a guy who washes his hair regularly.

10:29 p.m. Gordana should be a woman who doesn't speak English.

Oh wait...

10:30 p.m. Irina has the nickname "Meana Irina" according to greasy-haired Logan.

And when you're called "Meana Irina" by Mr. Greasy Hair, you know you're headed toward rock bottom.

10:33 p.m. This is what I love about women: When Irina and Althea are together, they're the best of friends, eating fries and rippin' on pretty boys with greasy hair. But when they're apart, they rip each other apart. Women just don't trust each other.

That's why there will never be a female president, because y'all won't vote for one another.

That's right. I said it.

10:38 p.m. Heidi is wearing this pink-black-silver combo and it just isn't working. I mean, is that her Halloween costume?

10:39 p.m. Everyone claps for someone named Kerry Washington, like they know who the hell she is.

10:40 p.m. Irina has made a slut dress.

If I were a judge, I'd give her extra points.

10:41 p.m. No one but Chris seems happy about what he made. Poor guy.

10:42 p.m. Chris gets ripped and he wears his "getting ripped" looked on his face, which I have to admit is a look that he's getting better at every week.

10:44 p.m. Heidi thinks Gordana's design is old and drab and sad. Because Gordana is old and drab and sad.

10:47 p.m. This male judge has seriously got to stop saying "chique." Seriously, bro, get a new word.

10:47 p.m. I had to look up how to spell the word "chique." FYI.

10:50 p.m. The judges are doing their "like, don't like" thing. I'm setting my fantasy basketball lineup for tomorrow.

10:56 p.m. Carol's in. She's off to hit the street corners for some "magic."

10:56 p.m. Althea wins. Sweetie, please don't celebrate by eating lard.

10:57 p.m. Irina's in. Don't eat fries!!

10:57 p.m. Chris is in??? Boy, this guy has 18 lives. Bottom two: Logan and Gordana.

10:58 p.m. Logan's out. Probably because his hair stinks.

Final thoughts:

I'm really thrown by Althea's weight gain. Seriously, the scale was climbing as the show went on. What the hell? And the real question: Irina has the top spot in the hotness poll, but can she hold on?

As for everything else: How Chris is still here, I don't know. The dude sucks and...he sucks. I'm glad Logan's gone, though. His hats were driving me nuts and he made Althea fat.

That's right, I'm blaming him. Good riddance, you greasy-haired punk.

Until next time.

Episode 11 Recap To Be Posted Friday

2009-10-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

Because damn it, I need my sleep. :-)

Episode 10: Charlie Brown Halloween Socks, Chris Cries (Again), And Nicolas' Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, my wife Ramona and I celebrated our two-month anniversary. So I bought her two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

Because hey: Anyone can get flowers or candy or jewelry. But let's face it: It's been done.

Two-month-anniversary-Charlie Brown-Halloween socks.

It's the way to go. A tip: From me to you.

My apologies again for the delay on this recap. On with the show. Ramona is watching it with me for the first time in a few weeks:

10:01 p.m. Is it just me, or does every episode seem to start with Carol putting on her whore makeup and Gordana mumbling in the background?

10:01 p.m. Nicolas runs in a circle like a crazy person. Sounds about right.

10:02 p.m. Chris is surprised he's still here. He speaks for all of America.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors' store. I wonder if they sell sweatpants.

10:04 p.m. Michael sounds gay. You know what I mean? I love the gay community -- I have gay friends and family members -- but he definitely has the gay male voice.

Gay people know what I'm talking about.

10:05 p.m. Create a look inspired by a famous locale.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

10:05 p.m. Carol picks Palm Beach. A druggie and party town.

Uh-huh.

10:05 p.m. Althea retains her spot on the hotness poll, with Irina at No. 2.

Shirin is home, no doubt eating bon bons because she no longer has to stay in shape for my hotness meter.

10:06 p.m. Chris picks Santa Fe. God, he even picks boring places.

10:07 p.m. You know what Gordana needs? Subtitles.

10:07 p.m. Gordana buys jewels. At least, I think she's buying jewels. Really woman, learn English.

10:08 p.m. Ramona: "Nicolas is making a white, frilly thing again, like he does every week."

The statement speaks for itself.

10:09 p.m. Althea has fabric in her mouth.

That's hot for some reason.

10:10 p.m. Chris is worried because Michael Kors is judging the challenge and he has to impress Michael, apparently forgetting that Mikey judges every challenge.

10:12 p.m. You know what these designs need? Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:15 p.m. Chris gives his obligatory "this is what I have to do to avoid being axed" speech.

10:16 p.m. Althea is basing her design on a Muslim church.

10:16 p.m. Ramona: "By the way, Nev, it's 'muslin', not 'muslim'".

I swear to God: I hadn't even said a word. The wife simply knows me too well.

10:18 p.m. Logan wants to make something that says "Hollywood" and "California" to him.

Way to reach.

10:19 p.m. Irina's outfit is really not Nicolas' thing. Of course it's not: Irina actually uses colors.

10:20 p.m. Gordana isn't ready for her model. Because, you know, she hasn't made anything.

10:21 p.m. Nicolas doesn't want his design to look Grecian goddess. Because if it does...horrors!!

10:22 p.m. You know what would make Nicolas' design less Grecian goddess?

Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

10:24 p.m. Bonding session among the designers. Time to vomit.

10:25 p.m. OK, slight revision to the hotness poll: Althea is still No. 1, but she loses ground this week because she's got that 1980s big blond hair thing going on.

10:27 p.m. Gordana makes bacon. And somehow, that makes sense.

10:27 p.m. Nicolas had a little mental breakdown. Par for the course, I'm guessing.

10:28 p.m. Logan is wearing four rings. He's such a douchebag. I mean...dude.

10:29 p.m. Ramona has suddenly discovered that none of the models have boobs.

10:29 p.m. Ramona: "Nevin, don't put that in there!!"

:-)

10:30 p.m. Did Althea just say "weared it"?

10:31 p.m. Chris gives another "this is my life" speech and looks like he's about to cry. Which he does every freakin' week.

10:37 p.m. You think Seal ever bought Heidi Charlie Brown Halloween socks?

10:38 p.m. Milla Jovovich is the guest judge. She could use a spray tan.

10:39 p.m. The models walk down the runway. Time for some Diet coke.

10:39 p.m. Althea is in. I'm pleased.

10:40 p.m. The judges like Irina. The two remaining hot girls are going to be safe.

Time for a fist pump.

10:40 p.m. Milla thinks Chris' belt has "this 1983 kind of charm to it."

How the hell do you pull 1983 out of thin air? I mean, really?

10:42 p.m. Milla moved her hands around 14 times while talking about Nicolas' crap of a design. I know. I counted.

10:43 p.m. Gordana has an ugly chin.

FYI.

10:45 p.m. I've decided that I would be good as a guest judge on this show. I can talk with my hands, I can make random 1983 belt references, and I sure as hell would be better than Lindsay Lohan. She fell off the wagon, according to Star.

10:46 p.m. Heidi didn't mind Logan's outfit.

Milla: "If this was Project 'I Didn't Mind It', Logan would win."

OK, that was funny.

10:54 p.m. Ramona's wearing the Charlie Brown Halloween socks.

:-)

10:54 p.m. Carol's in. Next week's episode: Carol puts on her whore makeup.

10:54 p.m. Irina wins. Beauty and brains. Or at least sewing ability.

10:55 p.m. Gordana is in, but Heidi says she needs to have more confidence in herself.

That's code for: Learn English.

10:55 p.m. Logan is in.

Ramona: "Because he's cute and the show needs the ratings."

A dirty look is coming her way shortly.

10:56 p.m. Nicolas and Chris are in the bottom two. Chris' tears to follow.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Again.

Chris cries.

Again.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is out. He stands there for 45 seconds like an idiot. Not that that's a stretch.

Final thoughts:

Perhaps if Nicolas had used the Charlie Brown Halloween socks in his design -- which featured bright colors -- he could've scooted by. But instead, he's out and Chris remains the annoying cockroach who simply refuses to die.

Chris.

The annoying cockroach.

Who cries.

Every freakin' episode.

Seriously dude, pretend to be a man.

Until next time.

Episode 10 Recap Postponed Until Saturday

2009-10-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks, but the wife is home today after spending a week out of town for work, and I'll be gone all day Friday. So your Project Runway recap will have to wait until Saturday.

Try to deal. :-)

In the meantime, feel free to check out my latest blog at nevdogg.blogspot.com and my latest 10-minute podcast at mikeandnev.blogspot.com

That will lessen the blow.

Episode 9: Bob What's His Name, Nicolas Pisses His Pants, And Gordana Mumbles: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

You know what I miss? Styrofoam. Back in the 80s, styrofoam was like beer ads filled with hot, beautiful women: Everywhere. But then these damn environmentalists started going, "Oh styrofoam is bad for the environment because it doesn't biodegrade, and these beer ads are sexist, so we're going to stop all of this and make the world gender-equal and boring."

And life has sucked ever since. Let's face it.

Just a thought I wanted to share. :-) And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. OK, who knows how Shirin will fair in this week's hotness poll. But you gotta give her credit: Doing yoga at the beginning of the show definitely helps. She's taking my criticism to heart. Good for her.

10:03 p.m. The designers are going to be meeting someone famous!! Angelina Jolie? Sylvester Stallone? Brad Pitt? Cher?

10:03 p.m. It's Bob Mackie.

????

10:04 p.m. Random dude Bob: "Hello designers!"

Designers: "HELLO!!!!!"

Jesus.

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is going to piss his pants, he's so happy. He's practically hopping.

10:05 p.m. The designers are designing for Christina Aguilera. A dollar for anyone who dresses her like a genie in a bottle.

10:06 p.m. OK, Nicolas is holding his notebook like it's a "this is my make-it-or-break it moment" moment, and it's effin' creepy.

10:07 p.m. Althea has lost weight. She's been reading my blog.

10:08 p.m. Of course Nicolas is ecstatic. He's working with feathers and sequins and lace. He's like a hog in slop.

10:11 p.m. Carol never does things this over the top. Except for her makeup.

10:11 p.m. Carol takes a hit and fools around with Logan and Chris. They didn't actually show Carol taking a snort, but I think we can safely assume here.

10:12 p.m. Gordana speaks. I don't understand a word she says.

10:12 p.m. Gordana is moping.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is on the couch.

10:13 p.m. Gordana is annoying.

10:16 p.m. Back from the commercial break and more Gordana. Can one of the female contestants hit her please? I have the sudden urge to watch her bleed.

10:17 p.m. Althea wants to blow everyone away.

The seven straight men currently watching are all thinking the same thing.

10:17 p.m. That hat that Shirin is wearing isn't helping her cause. She stays at No. 3 on the hotness poll.

10:18 p.m. Tim is not wearing a tie. It's his Sunday-afternoon-and-I've-decided-to-wear-loafers look.

10:18 p.m. Chris hasn't said an interesting thing since...well, never.

10:19 p.m. Althea's wearing her tight jeans. She solidifies her position at the top spot in the hotness poll.

10:22 p.m. If Tim were assessing the sweat pants I was currently wearing -- complete with holes in my pockets -- what do you think he would say? Would he say: "Nevin, we've seen this look before. Do you really want the judges to label you a one-trick pony?"

Then he'd encourage me to use the Macy's accessory wall.

10:22 p.m. Shirin is scraping her design. And still wearing that dumb hat.

Her priorities are way out of whack.

10:22 p.m. OK, question: Christina Aguilera has, you know, a body. The models do not. So how the hell does putting the dresses on the models really help?

10:24 p.m. Carol is distracted by Logan's looks. She's easy and Logan has that "I've got what you need" vibe that druggies love.

10:30 p.m. OK Nicolas, we get it: Bob Mackie -- who I've never heard of -- is your idol. You love sequins. You're super excited. You're gonna piss your pants. We understand.

I love and respect the gay community, but Jesus Christ, Nick: Dial down the homosexuality just a touch, would you?

That's right, I said it. And you were thinking it.

10:32 p.m. The only word I've understood Gordana say is "nothing."

She must be referring to her English skills.

10:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera is a guest judge and everyone's stunned. I mean, you are making her something, guys. Did none of you see this coming?

10:39 p.m. All of these designs say "slut." It just goes to show you what people think of Christina.

10:40 p.m. Irina moves on. Gordana moves on because of the immunity, but Heidi says if she didn't have it, she would've been on the chopping block.

Gordana mumbles more intelligible speech.

10:42 p.m. Christina likes Carol's dress. You know both of them are in the same...um, circles.

10:43 p.m. Heidi calls Shirin's dress a Halloween outfit. Meanwhile, Christina's wearing a wig.

Can we say double standard?

10:44 p.m. Bob-what's-his-name to Chris: "You gotta make a better corset than that."

Seriously Chris. I mean, step it up!! As corsets go, that corset sucked.

Horrible, horrible corset. What the hell were you thinking?

Chris sucks at making corsets. He really does.

10:46 p.m. Bob-whatchamicallit likes Nicolas' dress, and Nicolas has that "I just got patted on the head by my mommy for being such a good boy!!" look.

10:49 p.m. Chris is gonna go. Heidi and Nina don't like it, Bobby boy makes a Pussycat Dolls reference, and Christina nods to pretend she's not stupid. You know she's a "go with the group" kind of girl.

10:56 p.m. Althea's in. Must have been the tight jeans.

10:56 p.m. Christina announces that Carol wins the challenge. They'll celebrate later by doing lines.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas is in. As is Logan. Bottom two: Shirin and Chris.

10:58 p.m. SHIRIN IS OUT?!?! Are you serious??? Chris has been in the bottom two so much, he has a home there!!

Final thoughts:

OK, I am not pleased. I mean, Shirin is hot!! OK sure, she's not quite as hot as she came across when the season began, and maybe that's in part because we actually heard her speak. But there were only three hot ladies on the show and now we're down to two.

Luckily, Althea appears back on track after a two-week Oreo diet, and Irina remains consistently fine. If I had to choose who I wanted to go home next, I'd have to go with Gordana. I mean, she mumbles!! And she flaps her hands weird. She has to go back to where she came from, whether that's Gordana-land or the zoo or whatever.

Until next time.

Episode 8: Giving To Charity, Shirin's Hotness Downfall, And The Epps Take Their Lumps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

Before I begin this week's episode recap, I'd like to be serious for a minute and talk about an organization that is aiming to help the people of the Philippines who were devastated by the recent Typhoon Ondoy.

HOPE worldwide is an international charity that aims to change lives by harnessing the compassion and commitment of dedicated staff and volunteers to deliver sustainable, high-impact, community-based services to the poor and needy. A good friend of mine who has volunteered all over the world for Hope worldwide helped to build and work in an facility called the Center of HOPE Worldwide Orphanage in Manila. It is a treatment center for abused children in the Philippines, specializing in child sexual and physical abuse cases primarily. The center offers short-term and long-term residential care, treatment and placement, meeting the holistic needs of each child. The center has been completely flooded and destroyed, and they are working to take care of the people who were displaced as a result.

Here is a link to how you can make a donation to helping the victims of this terrible disaster reclaim their lives.

On a personal note: Like many of us, when I initially heard about the typhoon, I admittedly thought little of it. Was it sad to hear? Yes. But was I greatly affected in any way by the news? No. To be frank, I was pretty disconnected from the whole thing. When tragic events like this happen, most of us don't stop to realize just how much people's lives have been affected by this, because simply put we're not the ones being affected.

But when my friend told me about the orphanage in Manila, and that she knows of several people who have perished or are declared missing as a result of the typhoon, I began seeing things in a different light. And I began to think that in these times, we have to look beyond our little bubble. We have to see the world around us and help out -- all of us -- when others are in need.

In addition, a small donation really goes on a long way. Living in America, we don't see how far a little money can go. But in an impoverished nation, a $25 donation -- one donation!! -- can help feed a family for months. All of this -- individually -- can make a big difference with just a small effort.

So please click on the link above and make a donation. You will be changing a life for the better.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Gordana: "When I came to America, I had nothing. Now I have everything."

Except anti-wrinkle cream.

10:01 p.m. Irina's drinking orange juice.

Hot.

10:02 p.m. Ewwwwww!!!! Nicolas is undressing Logan with his eyes!!!

10:03 p.m. The designers get new models and are wearing wedding dresses even though they're already divorced.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

10:04 p.m. I'm glad my wife Ramona is out of town and not listening to how long all these women have been divorced. Don't want her getting ideas.

10:06 p.m. What is an "apple-kay?" Is it a push-up bra?

10:07 p.m. Irina has made another huge push in the hotness pool. She's a solid # 2 now, far outdistancing Shirin -- whose bitchy attitude is making her less attractive -- and Althea continues to pound the oreos. This is getting tight.

10:07 p.m. Shirin continues to bitch and moan. She's getting uglier by the second.

10:09 p.m. What does Logan have against us seeing his hair? I swear, that hat takes over half his face.

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

(slaps Mood's ass)

10:11 p.m. Carol says that cutting up a wedding dress is like running into a church and swearing at the top of your lungs.

For Carol, that would be her version of having the holy spirit.

10:11 p.m. Gordana tries to reach her kids on the phone but can't. She cries.

I know I should care, but you know what? I don't. And you know what? You don't care, either. You hate her. She's creepy. Admit it. It's OK.

10:13 p.m. Shut up, Shirin!! Jesus.

10:19 p.m. Tim is worried about Logan's textile. And really, it is a concern. Textile is not Logan's strong suit. We all know this.

10:20 p.m. Shirin whines to Tim. Shirin whines to the camera. Shirin whines to herself. Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. Cry cry cry. Shirin, you want to gain your momentum back on the hotness poll? Stop talking.

10:22 p.m. Logan is freaking out. His hair may be falling out, but we can't see it.

10:24 p.m. This episode is more boring than usual. I mean...yawn.

10:29 p.m. Gordana: "I look like I've been digging holes."

Which is an improvement.

10:29 p.m. Chris: "This is my design and I stand behind it."

Well good for you, Chris!! Now go verbally suck Epperson's penis.

10:31 p.m. Is it just me, or was Tim's "Macy's Accessory Wall" pointing-it-out thing less enthusiastic than usual?

10:32 p.m. I am stunned that Shirin's model got divorced. I mean, what man wouldn't want a woman who questions every little detail of every little thing every five minutes?

10:32 p.m. How revolting is Nicolas' model Stephanie? Steph wants to have Nicolas' child and Nicolas -- not exactly a looker in either the straight or gay community -- looked like he was going to vomit.

10:39 p.m. "There are nine of you here, and after today: They'll be eight."

Don't you just love her for her brains?

10:40 p.m. OK, watching the divorced women walk down the aisle is ridiculously hysterical. Most of them are, like, power walking.

10:40 p.m. Logan designed fat pants.

10:42 p.m. Gordana's divorcee looks like a coked-out Uma Thurman.

10:44 p.m. The judges love Gordana's Uma-on-crack outfit.

10:45 p.m. Chris has been fake-smiling this whole episode, almost like he's trying to make up for crying his eyes out last time.

10:46 p.m. Epperson is getting bashed by the judges. Chris, go verbally down on him. Make him feel better.

10:46 p.m. Shirin'a divorcee -- you know, every man's fantasy if he wants to be ridiculed every eight seconds for the rest of his life -- has bad teeth.

10:56 p.m. Shirin is in. But she's faltering where it counts.

10:57 p.m. Gordana wins. But her kids don't love her.

10:57 p.m. Irina is win. She's hot.

10:58 p.m. Little Epp, aka Chris, is in. Will Big Epp survive? Bottom two: Logan and Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Epperson's gone. But Chris remains to carry on his legacy.

Final thoughts:

This episode sucked.

.....

That's pretty much all I got.

:-)

Until next time.

Episode 8 Recap Postponed Until Friday

2009-10-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

Guys, just a reminder that I'm playing in a charity poker tournament tonight so I will be posting my recap of tonight's episode on Friday night, Oct. 9.

Try to amuse yourselves until then. :-)

Check back tomorrow night!!

Marilyn Manson, Doogie Howser, And Mud Wrestling: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-10-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

At the Nevdogg household, we don't believe in your typical gender roles. Which is why my wife Ramona kindly lets me do the laundry (Yeah. Joy). For those of you who have never lived in an apartment, doing laundry is a pain in the ass because a) you can never find enough quarters to operate the machines, and b) even when you do find the quarters, the damn machines are never free anyway!! To read more about my thoughts on the subject, read my latest blog post at nevdogg.blogspot.com

And now, on with the letters. Pamela writes:

If Nicolas and Louise were to get married and have kids, what do you think they would look like?

They'd look like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Neil Patrick Harris.

I mean: It fits, right?

Jerry writes:

You know what this show needs? A mud wrestling three-way between Althea, Shirin and Irina.

Jerry, I couldn't agree more. Finally, some real perspective from a reader. And in such a three-way, I'd have to put my money on Althea. Shirin simply doesn't have the size, so she's out. Irina, I think, would put up a surprising battle, but I just see Althea wearing her down.

Great, great suggestion.

And finally, LYD writes:

Alright, this might seem strange but I had to leave a comment. I've never been to this website. I didn't even know it existed. Plus I don't even watch the show you posted about. Not a single episode. Ever. But I have to say, just reading this post by random chance was awesome. Hilarious, awesome, and entertaining. So I just wanted to thank you. :)

LYD, it's comments like those that are why I write this blog. Thank you!! :-) And tell all your friends about how much I hate this show.

OK, that's it. A reminder: There's a good chance this week's recap may be postponed until around Friday evening because I'll be playing in a charity poker tourney on Thursday.

Episode 7: My Dad's Movie Remake, Louise-Nicolas Chemistry, And Little Epp: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-10-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of hours before tonight's episode, I received the following comment from Elizabeth:

I can't wait to check out your dad's movie MAUSOLEUM, that is right up my b/f's alley...

Did you hear that, Dad? Someone is actually going to watch your movie!!!

Time to bust out the cigars.

And with that, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. Has Gordana's accent gotten thicker? Has she taken more Eastern European accent tablets than usual?

10:02 p.m. Louise wants to go more over the top.

Somebody hold me.

10:02 p.m. Mausoleum was about a hot, curvy blond woman with big natural breasts who was possessed by a demon as a child and is now killing people as an adult. This role was played by actress Bobbie Breese (warning: the upcoming link is a still from the movie and is not suitable for work) who walks around naked for half the film for no real reason. Bobbie, who also had roles in Surf Nazis Must Die and Ghoulies, was nominated for the 1984 Saturn Award for Best Actress for her portrayal as a demonic slut who had sex with her husband, the gardener and the guy who delivered plants (all were eventually killed).

You can't make this stuff up.

10:03 p.m. I'm pegging Heidi Klum to star in the Mausoleum remake.

C'mon. You knew I was going there.

10:03 p.m. Here's what the Mausoleum remake movie poster would say:

Mausoleum: Starring a naked Heidi Klum.

This would so make money.

10:03 p.m. You know why a Mausoleum remake would make money? Because straight guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked, straight women would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they could point out imaginary flaws in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and gay guys would flock to see Heidi Klum naked so they tell their fellow gays: "Nope, she still needs a penis."

You see? It would hit every demographic.

10:04 p.m. OK, totally lost. You make a blue garment from Macys? But it's a different kind of blue from all the other blues out there in the world? And what is Inc?

10:05 p.m. Another team challenge. Will Logan and Carol be a team and hook up? Will Nicolas and Louise be a team...and hook up?

10:05 p.m. Everyone pitches their ideas, goals, dreams, fears, etc. I'm tuning out so let's talk about Mausoleum.

In Mausoleum, the demon woman and her husband had a maid, played by the late LaWanda Page. In the movie, LaWanda drinks generous amounts of gin after seeing the demon woman transforming into her demon-like state with clouds of green smoke emanating all around. She then drinks some more gin, runs upstairs to confirm that, yes, she did indeed see a woman surrounded by a demon surrounded by green smoke, and runs off.

Funny enough: My dad told me recently that during filming of this scene, LaWanda briefly passed out because she was drinking real gin during all the takes.

Me: "Why did you have her drink real liquor?"

Dad: "Because I'm the director, and I wanted my vision to be real."

Says the man who wrote a movie about a woman whose demonic breasts had mouths.

10:06 p.m. Louise talks about "apple-kay rose-ets."

Yeah.

10:07 p.m. Althea picks Logan. The hot girl picks the pretty boy. I roll my eyes and am getting that "I want to chuck something at the TV" urge.

10:07 p.m. Louise picks Nicolas.

I'm telling you...

10:08 p.m. Ramona attempt to stay something interesting for the blog #1:

"Carol and Shirin. Two hot chicks on the same team, Nev."

Nice try, baby. But you've forgotten that Carol is way down on the hotness poll.

10:09 p.m. Are Louise and Nicolas wearing the same jeans?

I'm telling you...

10:09 p.m. Jesus, Gordana really needs to dial down the accent. I can practically see her spit.

10:09 p.m. Louise misplaces her cash. She must have sex on the brain.

I'm telling you...

10:10 p.m. Thank you, Mood!!

Always a pleasure.

10:15 p.m. Shirin doesn't seem enthused about working with Carol. And why should she? Shirin is hot, Carol is not. That makes Shirin better.

And while we're talking about hot women, here's the latest shake-up in the hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot, by virtue of her tank top. Bare shoulders are always a plus.

10:16 p.m. Chris is verbally sucking Epperson's penis. I mean, you think so too, right?

10:17 p.m. Nicolas says Louise "makes really cute, funny noises when she works."

Louise: "It relieves stress."

You know what else relieves stress?

I'm telling you...

10:18 p.m. Gordana talks about how everyone thinks Logan's cute, and Ramona laughs.

I want a divorce.

10:18 p.m. In Mausoleum, there was a psychiatrist named Simon who saw the demon woman halfway transform and watched her eyes glow green. Simon calmed her down by having her count to three.

Tim will play Simon in the remake. And will even find a way to throw in a "make it work."

10:21 p.m. Epperson and Chris are wearing the same color.

For the remainder of the blog, Chris will be referred to as "Little Epp."

10:22 p.m. One of the models looks at all the blue dresses and asks:

"Is the theme blue?"

Guess.

10:22 p.m. Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 2:

"Is Louise trying to be the next Ben Stein? You know what I mean?"

Um...no.

10:23 p.m. Carol always freaks out late at night.

Because she's coming down.

10:24 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills her dowdy aunt. In the remake, Louise will reprise that role.

10:28 p.m. Little Epp will play the demon woman's husband in the Mausoleum remake. He gets killed in the shower near the end when the demon woman gives him a hug.

10:29 p.m. Louise is feeling tense. Nicolas is going to help her as much as he can.

I'm telling you...

10:30 p.m. I hate to say this, but Althea has put on weight. This combined with Irina's bare shoulders...I don't know.

10:30 p.m. Gordana is seriously sounding like cotton's in her mouth.

10:31 p.m. The Macy's accessory wall has been stocked with Inc shoes.

Ramona attempt to say something interesting for the blog # 3:

"The designers look oh so excited that there are Inc shoes on the wall."

Baby, I love you for trying.

10:33 p.m. In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a guy outside a disco by setting his car on fire with her mind while he's in the vehicle.

Sounds like the perfect role for Logan.

10:38 p.m. Heidi: "One...or more...will be out."

Ooooooooohhhhh.

10:38 p.m. Everything is blue. I'm bored. Let's talk about Mausoleum:

In Mausoleum, the demon woman kills a mall worker (who refused to sell her a painting) by levitating him off the ground and dropping him over the railing several stories to his death. It wasn't the fall that killed him. It was the fact that he went through a statue of a spike.

Congratulations, Nicolas. You have a role in the remake.

10:40 p.m. Pretty boy Logan and a fatter Althea advance.

But Althea's No. 1 ranking is no longer secure.

10:41 p.m. Team Epp and the "I'm telling you" couple have the lowest scores. Little Epp looks like he's gonna cry.

10:42 p.m. Irina and Gordana aren't acting like a team. Probably because Irina can't understand a word Gordana is saying.

Communication is key, you know?

10:43 p.m. Irina's bare shoulders vs. Shirin's cute glasses look. Thoughts?

10:44 p.m. Louise likes ruffles, but no one else likes Ruffles.

On the bright side, Louise has a nice sex glow going on.

I'm telling you...

10:46 p.m. Heidi and Michael Kors make Little Epp cry. Poor Little Epp.

10:46 p.m. Epperson speaks, so let's talk about his role for the Mausoleum remake:

In Mausoleum,

Hold on:

Jesus, Little Epp, get it together!!! Stop crying!!

OK, so:

At the beginning of Mausoleum, some random guy stumbles into the mausoleum right after the demon possesses the woman (who is a girl at the time). The guy's head then explodes.

Epperson, it's not a great role, but it's all we got left. Sorry.

10:55 p.m. Shirin is in. Still No. 3 on the hotness chart.

10:55 p.m. Irina wins!! Her shoulders should be bare every week.

10:56 p.m. Gordana, Carol and Epperson are in. Nicolas skates by because of his immunity. Louise and Little Epp in the bottom two.

10:57 p.m. One...or both...of them will be out.

(yawns)

10:58 p.m. Louise is out and stays strong. Little Epp is in and cries. And then Little Epp needs to be consoled by Louise.

Do I have to say "be a man, for God's sake!!" or is it really necessary?

Final thoughts:

Louise sucked, and I'm now convinced she was wearing a wig. Her banging Nicolas on the side made for some good writing material, but still: She had to go. Gordana is annoying because she no longer speaks English, and Little Epp needs to grow a set. Sorry but it's true.

Let me finish with a couple of things: 1) See my dad's movie. Our family hearts residuals. And 2) Next week's episode recap may be delayed a day because I'm playing in a poker tournament next Thursday night for charity.

Because I'm a giver. :-)

Until next time.

Thank-You Card Tips, Thank-You Card Advice, And Ra'Mon's Line Of Ties: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-09-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

I chatted recently with my former co-worker at the L.A. Daily News sports department, John Wareham, who informed me that he recently spoke to Project Runway castoff Ra'Mon. Ra'Mon, according to John, "is a super cool dude. He's very nice and might start his own line of ties with one of the actors who is in 'Surrogates' - who also confirmed that."

All great information. But personally, I was really hoping John would've gotten Ra'Mon's thoughts on someone who wrote on a hater blog about his show. And that the one who wrote that blog really thinks he would look good with a gold tooth.

Thanks for the intel, John!! But next time: Ask the tough questions. :-)

And now, here are some letters:

Another Suburban Mom writes:

A tip: Write about five cards a day and then mail them all out at once. Do not stagger the mailing because you will get passive-aggressive phone calls asking if you got the gift because so and so got one and they did not.

Also for cash I go with generous, very generous and extremely generous depending on how much they sent.

Otherwise..."Thanks for the lovely vase, however I did get one just like it. Would you mind sending a receipt so I can exchange it."

Or, you just say" "Thanks for the lovely vase, now Ramona will be able to brandish the vase at me when she complains that I never get her flowers."

All great advice, ASM. I particularly love the five-a-day thing. But let me answer your flower comment with a comment from Ramona:

He gets me flowers all the time ASM :)

Yeah, I'm that type of guy.

Amber writes:

Just get a stamp that says "Thank You", a use that on a generic blank card. Or send out a mass e-mail, even to the grandmas.

Now see: I too was pushing for sending out a mass e-mail, but everyone was shooting me down!! Why is this wrong? It's not being lazy. It's being efficient and embracing technology!! If I was allowed to send out my thank-you cards via e-mail, they'd be done by now. That's a fact.

Plus: I'm saving on paper. Am I the only one who wants to lend Mother Earth a hand?

And finally, newlywed Ivan asks for help:

I have to do thank-you cards soon as well. I'm not looking forward to it. Any advice?

Pay someone to do it for you.

You know Ivan, if you're looking to make some extra money...

Until Thursday.

Episode 6: Thank-You Cards, Ra'Mon's Klingon Name, And A Shake-Up In The Women's Hotness Poll: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-24T19:56:00.001-07:00

You know what sucks about marriage? Thank-you cards. I've written out 16 over the past two days and my hand hurts. I'm sorry, but this is a stupid, stupid practice. Half these people didn't even get us gifts we like and/or going to use. What am I supposed to write? "Thanks for getting us some crappy vase instead of cash like we wanted?" Those who got us money? They deserve a thank-you card. Honeymoon luggage tags or a hot dog toaster? You get a thank-you card (because your gifts were actually useful). Otherwise, I say, you get nothing.

Speaking of nothing, what do you do about the people who came to the wedding but didn't get you a gift? Do they get a thank-you card? And if so, what the hell am I thanking them for? "Thanks for letting us spend $55 so you can attend our meeting and give us nothing in return, you ungrateful mooch?"

You know?

Anyways, on with the show. My wife Ramona is once again watching with me:

8:04 p.m. I'm actually not watching the episode for another 116 minutes, but my friend Tiffany -- whose cable system allows her to see the East Coast version three hours ahead of me -- just informed me that Tim is seduced by ruffles.

Something to look forward to.

10:02 p.m. Heidi's dress is decidedly unflattering. Note to Heidi: Dark blue looks good on no woman. None.

10:02 p.m. The challenge deals with movie making. You know, my dad made a horror film in the early 1980s called Mausoleum. It was a cheesy B movie, filled with cheap special effects, a dumb plot and half-naked women.

It was awesome!!!

10:03 p.m. Tim: "Welcome to a real Hollywood sound stage!!!"

I half expected him to shake.

10:03 p.m. I don't understand the challenge. Something about making something out of genres.

So in other words: You're making a costume? Why can't you just say "costume"? Let's simplify things, people.

10:04 p.m. Gordana is worried about Westerns because she's not American.

You know what? Love it or leave it.

10:05 p.m. Nicolas picks science fiction. Yeah, that's a stretch.

10:06 p.m. Shirin is going to make a saloon girl prostitute.

YES!!!!!

10:07 p.m. Logan and Carol Hannah are making goo-goo-ly eyes at each other. Logan winks. Carol swoons. I barf. Let's move on.

10:08 p.m. Speaking of Carol: Tiffany and I have been arguing for two weeks about Althea -- I say she's hot as hell, she says she looks like a goblin who chews rocks -- but we both agree that Carol looks like a cigarette chain smoker who hitchhikes.

10:08 p.m. You know what I realized about Gordana? She can't pronounce the letter "s".

10:08 p.m. WE'RE GOING TO MOOD!!!!

(happy dance)

10:09 p.m. Chris wants to go with a "brocade."

??????

10:09 p.m. Say it with me now:

"Thank you, Mood!!!"

Let's all wave.

10:10 p.m. Epperson: "Western really is a period."

Thanks.

10:10 p.m. Gordana lost her scissors. But when she says "scissors", it sounds like the word is filled with Zs.

10:11 p.m. Ra'Mon could totally be a Klingon. Don't you think?

10:16 p.m. I betcha Logan isn't a good-enough person to write thank you cards following his wedding.

Just sayin'.

10:17 p.m. Gordana's dress says 1920s girl who has just discovered oil. And this is her re-release into "zociety."

Uh-huh.

10:18 p.m. I have come up with Ra'Mon's Klingon name:

Mott.

10:19 p.m. Will Louise ever get married and go through the torture of writing thank-you cards?

One wonders...

10:20 p.m. Tim tells Nicolas to be less safe.

Ramona: "That's a really scary thing to tell Nicolas, especially given what he sent down the runway in the Avant Garde challenge. Nev, you should put that statement in the blog. It was actually insightful and not just some random thing ripping the show."

Insightful = boring.

No one insults my rips. Not even my better half. :-)

10:20 p.m. Big shake-up in the women's hotness poll:

Irina has overtaken Shirin for the No. 2 spot.

The women's hotness poll: You never know what's gonna happen.

10:22 p.m. Mott is having second thoughts about his jumpsuit.

Mott. Tee hee.

10:23 p.m. Nicolas says he's almost lost it a couple of times. I thought he lost it long ago, personally.

I know, I know. An easy cheap shot. It's OK. I hate Nicolas. I want to make him suffer the ultimate punishment.

Grab a pen, Nic. You're writing my thank-you cards.

10:28 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas and Chris just said to each other. Was that design speak?

10:29 p.m. Mott shaves.

Mott.

:-)

10:29 p.m. Does Epperson have a "Mood" bag?

Whoa. Even I have limits.

10:29 p.m. God, Logan annoys me. Every time he speaks, I want to slug him as hard as humanly possible. To all the female viewers who find him attractive: He's into Carol!! I mean, he loses points for that, doesn't he?

10:30 p.m. Use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully, people. It's not a toy.

10:31 p.m. Which of these women on the show (including the models) would do the wedding thank-you cards themselves and not involve their husbands? Thoughts?

10:34 p.m. Ramona: "Hi husband!!"

:-)

10:37 p.m. Another non-flattering outfit for Heidi. What is she, taking a week off?

10:38 p.m. I like Irina's dress. No. 2 on the women's hotness chart.

10:38 p.m. Carol's dress looks like someone who chain smokes and hitchhikers would wear.

I'm sure Logan likes it.

10:38 p.m. Ramona: "It must be hard to be a fat woman in fashion."

She said it, I didn't.

10:39 p.m. Ramona again:

"OK, if you were a fat lady in fashion, wouldn't you just be hating yourself all the time because you're surrounded by all these skinny people?"

Any answer I give will come back to haunt me later.

10:40 p.m. All three hot women are in.

And none of them are fat.

10:42 p.m. Nicolas' model wants to take over the Earth, says Nicolas.

God, he's a moron.

10:44 p.m. Louise uses the word "flapper" to describe her dress. Chris' dress says "vampire."

Did someone spike the water cooler in the design room or something?

10:45 p.m. Mott names his model Lola.

Mott and Lola, sittin' in a tree...

10:45 p.m. Think Mott would write my thank-you cards in Klingon?

10:48 p.m. What is a flapper?

10:48 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"The term flapper in the 1920s referred to a 'new breed' of young women who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to the new jazz music, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms."

So...1920s slut?

10:53 p.m. Me to Ramona:

"Hey babe, you want to write the rest of the thank-you cards? Your handwriting is much nicer than mine."

Ramona glares.

Sigh.

10:56 p.m. Gordana ("S? What's an S?") and Epperson are in.

10:57 p.m. Nicolas wins. There is no God.

10:57 p.m. Chris is in. Louise and Mott are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Ramona is really worried that Louise is going to be voted out. She hearts Louise. Lord knows why.

10:58 p.m. Mott's out??? But he's Mott!!!

10:59 p.m. OK, so Ramona went from fearing for Louise's life to booing the decision to vote Mott out. She calls the decision bulls*** and even screams racism.

Me: "But didn't you want Louise to stay?"

Ramona: "But not at the expense of Ra'Mon. Jesus, do you know me at all?"

Women. Don't understand them. Shouldn't try.

Final thoughts:

Another weird elimination. Ra'Mon really didn't deserve to go home. He essentially did the team challenge by himself, he made a lettuce-colored dress look cool, and didn't he win one week? Louise or Gordana definitely should've gone before him.

Also: NICOLAS MUST DIE!!! I mean, c'mon: He's creepy!! Would you want him around your kids? He screams "Columbine". That's right, I said it. And don't tell me you weren't thinking it!! You've been thinking it for weeks and so have I!! Let's get it out in the open.

Nicolas wins and I'm writing wedding thank-you cards.

Life sucks.

Until next time.

'Muslin Clothing', Paper Negligee, And Girly Men: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-09-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in front of my TV screen watching the Baltimore Ravens-San Diego Chargers NFL football game, and I'm biting my nails. Am I a fan of either team? Good God no!! But in one of my fantasy football leagues (I'm in four; I'm a man's man. More on "man's man" in one of my letters), I'm beating one guy by 12 points but he's got two guys on the Chargers, and I've got one guy on the Ravens. So I'm one of those guys you may come across watching TV once in a while, not screaming for one team to win but rather screaming for one or two players to do well, for other players to do worse, and of course there's the occasional "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DOING SO WELL AND I DIDN'T START HIM!!!!"

Yep. I'm one of those guys. :-)

Anyways, onto the letters. Joyce writes:

They weren't saying "Muslim" clothing in last week's episode, it was "muslin" clothing, a type of finely woven cotton fabric. How the hell could you not know that?

Uh, hi Joyce. My name is "Typical Male." I like sports, I scratch myself, and I eat things out of cans. How the hell am I going to know what muslin clothing is? Next, you're gonna ask me for knitting tips and pattern ideas.

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I thought the two of you looked so cute and happy in the wedding video.

And I also enjoyed Ms. Longoria. Clothes out of paper is whack though.

Thanks ASM!! And yeah, paper clothing is nuts. Although I did have this thought: Paper negligee. Now that has possibilities. :-)

And finally, Elizabeth writes:

LOL-i am SO GLAD i found your little dent in the project runway/blogosphere universe. even though you scream "man's man" to me (and true confession, i myself rather tend to like girly men) you are hysterically on point and exceptionally humorous in your candid observations. bravo, sir, bravo.

Thank you, Elizabeth!! And please don't hold my "man's man" status against me. Girly men know muslin clothing and when paper clothing was popular and why certain guys thinks it's OK to wear pink shirts. If I was a girly man, the blog wouldn't have the same pop, you know?

See ya Thursday!!

Episode 5: Ignoring The Hotness, Paper Clothing, And Origami Exposed: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-17T19:55:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the first time this season that I'll be watching Project Runway with my wife Ramona. Out of respect for Mrs. Nevdogg, I will refrain from making comments about the hotness of certain females this evening.

Because after all, my wife deserves the utmost respect.

Ramona: "That, and you don't want to be sleeping on the futon every night for the remainder of our marriage."

That too. :-)

By the way, here's a link to me and the wifey's grand entrance at our wedding.

And now, on with the show:

10:01 p.m. When you saw Carol leaning over the table, don't tell me you didn't have any "Is she going to take a hit of cocaine?" thoughts floating through your head.

10:02 p.m. Ramona is excited because she thinks Irina and Althea are heading for a cat fight. Personally, I'm not into seeing two young girls fight each other. Disgusting. Not sexy at all.

10:03 p.m. Heidi: "The answers will all be in black and white." Everything pretends to be shocked.

I yawn.

10:04 p.m. The L.A. Times? What the...

10:04 p.m. BOOTH MOORE!!!!

No clue who that is.

10:04 p.m. Funny coincidence: I have a friend named Starr Moore, and her nickname is Boots. Boots Moore. Booth Moore. Strange, huh?

I know you don't care. You know what? I don't care.

10:05 p.m. Create a design using newspaper fabric.

And people wonder why this show is on the verge of cancellation.

10:06 p.m. Ramona, who is a sports columnist for the L.A. Daily News, is thrilled at how a newspaper "is featured so prominently on a hit TV show" and hopes this will be that someone will "buy a newspaper again."

I don't have the heart to tell her "not bloody likely."

10:07 p.m. When the hell was paper clothing ever popular, Tim? The Depression? Seriously.

10:07 p.m. According to my good friend the Internet, paper clothing was popular in the 1960s.

As was acid.

10:08 p.m. Chris rambles. I tune out.

10:08 p.m. Can someone please tell Althea to wear a more conservative top? Kids may be watching, for God's sake.

10:08 p.m. Nicolas thinks he's going home tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

10:09 p.m. Irina came up with the outside-the-box notion that just because she's using newspaper doesn't mean it has to look like newspaper.

God, girls who act dumb look ugly to me.

10:09 p.m. Shirin's nose looks funky. How the hell could I ever think she was hot? Right, my beautiful wife? :-)

10:10 p.m. Shirin talks about groping her mannequin.

Ramona: "I bet you were turned on by that last statement huh, Nev?"

You know what? I'm trying. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Jesus.

10:15 p.m. Ra'Mon talks about cubism and origami. And if you can picture that in your mind, you need a life.

10:16 p.m. Althea's boobs look a bit lopsided. So unsexy.

10:17 p.m. Tim talks to Irina about 1968 and Muslims.

Ramona: "I have no clue what that meant."

You and me both.

10:17 p.m. Tim trashes Johnny's dress and, as a nail in the coffin, when Johnny goes to chuck his dress in the trash, he misses the shot!!

As a man, that hurts. Believe me.

10:19 p.m. Are we not going to Mood today? :-(

10:19 p.m. Johnny also mentions origami. Is that the word of the day?

10:19 p.m. Origami is Japanese paper folding, according to my good friends at Wikipedia.

Well then: Why can't you just call it paper folding? If it were me, I would say "I'm folding paper." I'm not gonna use some fancy word to make it seem like my piece-of-crap dress isn't a piece of crap. It isn't gonna work. It's newspaper!! Giving it a fancy name and/or adding accent marks doesn't change that.

10:19 p.m. Nicolas' younger picture looks like he's a kid who makes bombs.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:20 p.m. The models come in. I really hope we don't see any of them in their undergarments. That wouldn't be tasteful.

10:20 p.m. Just as I write that, we see one of the model's bare backs. Figures.

10:21 p.m. Has Johnny gained weight? Is he stress eating? Is he coping because of the meth?

10:22 p.m. Ramona: "Wait, so everyone wants Johnny off because of his lack of passion? If anything, you should want him on the show because he'll always be in the bottom three!!"

We just watched Survivor. Where you always want to keep weak players.

10:28 p.m. I have seen four ads for the movie "Fame". Now I can't get "I'm gonna learn how to fly" out of my head.

10:29 p.m. Johnny is wearing a pink shirt. And doesn't give a damn.

Good for you!! Be strong in who you are!!

(P.S. You're never getting laid).

10:30 p.m. Please use the Macy's accessory wall, everybody. I mean, for God's sake...

10:31 p.m. Me to Ramona: "Doesn't Gordana look like a Helga?"

Ramona: "I feel like all Eastern European women do."

Ouch.

10:32 p.m. I'm gonna learn how to fly!! FAME!!!

Damn it.

10:33 p.m. Ramona thinks Johnny is going home, but is worried that if he does, he'll turn to crack afterward.

With that pink shirt of his, we may be too late.

10:35 p.m. Fame is in theaters Sept. 25.

10:36 p.m. Watching a tampon commercial. What's the deal with wings?

10:36 p.m. Decided to go on a "tampons with wings" blog.

Blog Commenter 1: "WTF. How do these function. Do they make your vag fly? Apparently they make you feel confident I gotta get me some."

Blog Commenter 2: "I know!!! What the f****?! They look like a bloody umbrella (scuse the pun!)... I honestly don't understand how this is needed? Ladies! Help me out here!!! I mean maybe if you'd popped 11 kids out of your Mickey..."

Wow.

10:39 p.m. Guest judges: Tommy Hilfiger and EVA LONGORIA PARKER!!!!!

Who I find ugly.

10:41 p.m. Johnny hates what Johnny did. Johnny's mad and Johnny's sad.

10:41 p.m. Has Shirin ever heard of the concept of, you know, using colors?

10:42 p.m. I mention to Ramona that I don't like Louise and she starts yelling at me to stop hating on Louise and that the only reason I'm doing so is because she's not hot.

I can't win.

10:42 p.m. Ramona: "You know what? It's OK that there are cute girls on the show. I already got the ring."

Well that's just great. Give me permission 42 minutes in.

10:44 p.m. Eva always accentuates her bum.

Eva: "That's my ass-et."

Some statements speak for themselves.

10:45 p.m. Tommy compares Irina to a bunch of different designers that I've never heard of. Tommy Boy, stop speaking above the viewing public!!

10:47 p.m. Dude, Nicolas is a jerk. If I were Johnny and Nicolas threw me under the bus, I'd choke him out with my pink shirt.

10:47 p.m. What's with Chris' brown jacket? It looks like something out of a second-hand store. It's like what the guys on King of the Hill wear when they dress up.

10:50 p.m. Tommy has big cheeks.

10:52 p.m. FAME!!!!

Sorry. Once it's in your head...

10:56 p.m. Althea's in.

And wear more clothes, woman!!

10:56 p.m. Irina wins.

Ramona: "That means that two of the three hot girls won, right?"

I don't answer. I know when I see a trap.

10:57 p.m. Brown jacket boy and Helga are in. Bottom two: Nicolas and Johnny.

10:58 p.m. Nicolas is in.

10:58 p.m. Ramona: "And Johnny goes back to smoking crack."

It's meth, but you get the point.

10:59 p.m. Tim says that Johnny was "spewing" on the runway. Don't spew on Tim. He has major influence. Johnny will have to wear pink shirts for life now.

11:00 p.m. Ramona: "Nev, do you really think having pretty girls on the show will help ratings? I mean, it doesn't really cater to its target audience. The only people who watch this show are gay guys and women."

I gotta admit: The wife has a point. :-)

Final thoughts:

I really hope that Johnny doesn't have a drug relapse, but if he does, here's hoping the first thing he does in his drug-induced haze is to throw that pink shirt in the fireplace. Speaking of fireplaces, that's where Nicolas should go. I swear, I hate that bomb-boy-who-never-had-any-friends-and-spent-his-formative-years-holed-up-in-his-room-and-or-basement loser. He's a punk, he's bitter, and I want to shave his head so he'll scream like a little girl.

It's always fun watching this show with the wife, because as the show goes on, she keeps making statements with the sole purpose of trying to get me to mention it in the blog.

It's cute.

:-)

Until next time.

Refusing To Accept A Woman's Hotness, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, And Lack Of Love For Tim: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-09-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of the NFL season, and let me tell you: I was happier than a hog in slop. There's nothing like watching a bunch of guys on a field trying to kill each other, while you and your buddies root them on to kill each other while eating fried foods and having multiple TVs and computers (which are keeping track of other games) going on simultaneously.

I tell you, it's American tradition at its finest. :-)

So after a few-week delay, here's the weekly mailbag.

Tiffany writes:

Note to self: Never trust Nev's judgment. Althea looks like a goblin and the other girl (Shirin) has a bad nose job.

I have a theory about women: When a woman makes comments about a woman's lack of hotness, she actually feels that the woman she's putting down is hot and is just lashing out because she's mad that the woman she's putting down is hot and men know it.

It's a defense mechanism, I think.

John writes:

I'm telling you: You need to start blogging about The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

John has actually written this to me more than once. John, no. I'm sorry, but I have no desire to blog about a show dealing with a bunch of spoiled women who pretend they have real problems when in fact their only problem is that they have way more money than they know what to do with and need to create drama in their lives to pretend they have a purpose.

And also: Why Atlanta? The Real Housewives of Orange County? Fine. New York? Makes sense. But Atlanta? All that city has are peaches and a few pro sports franchises. How does this city scream "spoiled housewives?"

And finally, Namratha writes:

Aww I missed you the past few weeks, even though you hate me :)

I completely agree on the Mood front. I sometimes say "You're Welcome" for them, because it's just rude to leave poor Tim hanging, ya know?

Aww. Namratha, I missed you too. :-) Let's put the feuding behind us, at least for this week. And yes, Tim really needs to start getting a few "you're welcome"s for all the love and publicity he gives Mood. I just don't think they're appreciating all he does for him.

Until Thursday!!

Episode 4: Michael Mancini, Hotness Rankings And Sexy Backs: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

So let's talk about a show I actually like for a minute. Earlier tonight, I finally got around to watching the series premiere of the new Melrose Place (I was a fan of the show during its first few seasons back in the 90s). Admittedly, the first 20 minutes freakin' bored me, especially when you find out that (spoiler alert) Sydney -- one of the hotties from the original series -- was murdered and lying dead in the pool.

It's never good when a favorite character gets killed off immediately. Like in the Mortal Kombat movie sequel when Johnny Cage -- the best character by far in the first movie -- bites it in the first nine seconds.

(Note: I know no one reading this blog has ever seen the Mortal Kombat movies. Bitch and moan to someone who cares).

Anyways, back to Melrose Place. The first 20 minutes totally blew, until one of the new characters -- whose name I've already forgotten -- accepts a ride from his father, who turns out to be none other than...

MICHAEL %$#*&%$#% MANCINI!!!!

And suddenly, the show is awesome again. I heart Michael Mancini. He's one of my two man crushes (the other is Pierce Brosnan). He was by far my favorite character on the original Melrose. He slept with every woman in the building, no one blamed him for anything, he killed a woman (yet she lived), he killed Sydney (except you found out her death was staged), and because he was a doctor, every time you were about to revolt against him, he'd save some random person's life so you'd feel guilty for your hateful feelings.

How could you not love this man?

So anyways, Melrose Place -- starring man crush Double M -- is officially a a part of my television watching lineup.

Thank you, Michael.

You never let me down.

And with that, on with Project Runway:

10:02 p.m. OK, I don't get it. The models are the clients for the challenge? Like...who cares?

10:02 p.m. Tim gives everyone 30 minutes to "caucus."

Michael Mancini never needed to use million-dollar words to sound cool.

10:04 p.m. Johnny feels like he's designing something for himself "if he were a black girl."

Yes, ladies. All of us males ponder what we'd want to wear if we were African American women at one time or another.

10:05 p.m. Irina'a model loves her back.

Who the hell loves their back?

10:05 p.m. You know why Louise doesn't like red? Because red is bright and colorful. Does Louise look bright and colorful to you?

10:06 p.m. Shirin said the words "gold rope."

And the mind begins to wander.

10:08 p.m. Did this week's "Thank you Mood!" seem particularly short this week to anyone else?

10:08 p.m. Johnny and Louise should totally hook up. This thought just came to me by watching them talk. Wouldn't they, like, fill each other's gaps?

No pun intended.

10:08 p.m. Does Chris ever say anything remotely interesting?

10:09 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

:-)

10:15 p.m. Me and Tim: "What's a cigarette jacket?"

Does it involve denim?

10:16 p.m. Hotness ranking thus far into the season: Althea, Shirin, with Irina a distant third. Althea and Shirin are neck-and-neck.

10:16 p.m. Here's the problem with Epperson talking more: He's really boring. I don't even feel like writing "Epperson" as a single sentence.

10:17 p.m. Oh, all right.

Epperson.

But he needs to start earning it.

10:18 p.m. Is Carol's eye makeup color called "drugged-out hooker?"

10:19 p.m. OK, not helping Epperson's cause is the whole "I miss my family and I'm gonna cry over the phone while I'm talking to them" bit. He's this close to losing his "single name as a single sentence" bit.

Epperson.

10:20 p.m. Speaking of people whose loved ones are away, my wife Ramona left today for Ohio on business. She had to travel less than three weeks after we got married, but am I blubbering like an idiot over the phone on national television?

No.

I do my blubbering over the phone with my wife in private.

10:21 p.m. You can just tell that when Johnny was helping his model with his dress, he was thinking to himself:

If I was a female black girl, I'd want to show this much cleavage.

10:23 p.m. You want to talk about sexy backs? Nicolas' model, the Asian woman, has a sexy back. As backs go, her back is hot.

10:23 p.m. Logan is babbling, so it's a perfect time for a quick Althea-Shirin hotness comparison: Althea has the better body and the blond hair. But Shirin has two things in her favor: She looks good without makeup and she's got that "I'm just hot enough to make average guys think that they maybe have a chance with me, even though they really don't" thing.

10:28 p.m. MICHAEL MANCINI!!!!

(claps happily)

10:29 p.m. You know what was great about last season's Project Runway? I never had to sit through a shot of a half-naked guy like I had to do just now with Logan. We already know this show caters to women. Jesus, we get it.

10:30 p.m. Qristal sounds the same every week. Insert "this isn't what I would do, but I'm gonna do it because I'm tough and I can do anything" comment here.

10:31 p.m. What would happen if someone didn't use the Macys Accesory Wall? Would the world spin off its axis? Dare we take the chance?

10:32 p.m. You know why I don't like Nicolas? Because he doesn't appreciate getting to work with a hot Asian model who has a sexy back. This gift that God dropped into his lap is just not sinking in for him.

10:34 p.m. If this were Melrose Place, Michael Mancini would've slept with Althea, Shirin and Irina by episode 6. His "I was totally drunk and didn't know what the hell I was doing or who I was with" episode would've involved Louise. He would've slept with Gordana to advance his career.

10:36 p.m. Army Wives is all new this Sunday.

FYI.

10:37 p.m. Just checked out my back in the mirror. It's decent. I wouldn't say sexy. But there's potential there.

10:38 p.m. No cool judges this week. Just as well. How can you top Rachel Bilson?

10:39 p.m. Qritstal's model has a sexy back. Not as sexy as the Asian girl's back, but pretty damn good.

10:40 p.m. Another point in Shirin's favor in her hotness battle with Althea: She looks hot as hell in glasses. Guys like that.

10:41 p.m. The skirt Althea designed is so short that the model might as well have walked out in her panties.

I'm not complaining, mind you.

10:44 p.m. Logan's design is being ridiculed for being a prom dress. Good. Maybe they'll vote him off. I don't need to see him with his shirt off, and with the way he dresses, someone needs to let him know that the Fame movie has already been made so he won't be cast.

10:46 p.m. One of those judges says the most interesting thing about Johnny's dress is the purse.

The purse was courtesy of...the MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!

10:47 p.m. The curly haired female judge reminds me of Kathy Griffin.

No, that's not a good thing.

10:50 p.m. Heidi: "I'm obsessed about boobs."

Ladies and gentlemen: The perfect woman.

10:55 p.m. Michael Mancini slept with at least three of the women in this photo. He may have also slept with Heather Locklear, but I don't remember.

10:56 p.m. Epperson's in.

Epperson.

But dude: You better start showing me something.

10:57 p.m. Althea wins. And when a hot girl is given immunity, we all win.

10:57 p.m. Tara Reid...oh sorry, Carol, is in.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's in. Bottom two: Qristal and Logan. I want Logan gone. He wears silver pants.

10:58 p.m. Logan's in. I never get what I want. :-( That means Qristal's out.

10:59 p.m. Qristal gives a final "I will overcome" speech. Can't say I'll miss those.

Final thoughts:

Great, thanks to this episode I'm gonna start checking out women's backs for the next three days. Brilliant. Qristal's out, which is an OK consolation prize because I couldn't stand her, and because I couldn't think of a possible scenario where Michael Mancini would've slept with her. And if Irina wants to get back into the hotness race, she better start wearing sexier clothing and/or make "gold rope" references at random intervals. Because right now, Althea and Shirin lead the race.

Until next time.

Episode 3: No More Qristal Fat Jokes, Epperson's Learning Tree, And The Meaning Of Avant Garde: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

My wife Ramona says I have to cool it with the fat jokes about Qristal.

"It isn't nice," she said.

This is the first time my wife has told me to do something since we've been married.

Married life.

It officially begins.

And with that, episode 3:

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is "worried", he's "concerned", and he's "frustrated". He's either talking about getting eliminated or a penis malfunction.

Or perhaps both.

10:02 p.m. Hot-as-hell Heidi reminds hot-as-hell Shirin that she cannot be eliminated because she won immunity last time. So for guys across the nation being forced to watch this show -- like my sister's boyfriend -- take a moment to rejoice.

10:02 p.m. OK, last episode it was the striped socks, and today it's these weird-ass white-rimmed glasses. Ra'Mon, take it down a notch. You're edgy. We get it.

10:03 p.m. The designers get to take a field trip to the beach and they jump up and down like happy-go-lucky bobbleheads. I guess for those who have never seen the ocean, it's a thrill. It's hard for me to relate. I live in Cali. I'm spoiled.

10:03 p.m. Gotta say this for Tim: The dude pulls off the blazer-and-sandals look nicely.

10:04 p.m. The challenge: Create a fun and fashionable surfwear look. If I were participating, I would get inspiration from the movie Point Break. Love that movie.

10:04 p.m. Designers will be in teams of two. Now c'mon: You wish Malvin was here right now just to see what would happen.

10:04 p.m. Mitchell looks pained.

Penis malfunction.

10:06 p.m. Qristal chooses Epperson.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:06 p.m. Six minutes in. Notice no fat jokes about Qristal.

10:06 p.m. Meth boy Johnny gets to work with Irina.

And all of his dreams have come true.

10:06 p.m. Question for the guys being forced to watch this episode: What are your thoughts on seeing hot-as-hell Althea and scary-looking Louise on the screen at the same time? My body, personally, is making weird sounds.

10:07 p.m. Mitchell cops a feel with his model.

If that don't get your little friend workin'...

10:07 p.m. Qristal doesn't like that Epperson is treating her like a student.

Me? I'm just glad Epperson spoke.

10:08 p.m. How could anyone clash with Epperson? He's Epperson!! The man screams "learning tree." Just sit underneath it, Qristal, and grow.

(Note: That wasn't a fat joke there. I meant grow as a person. Just wanted to clarify for when my wife reads this.)

10:09 p.m. Tim: "Thank you, Mood."

Designers: "Thank you."

Like a shepherd herding sheep.

10:09 p.m. Johnny and Irina's look is bohemian chic.

I would ask someone to explain that to me, but honestly: I'd stop listening about a third of the way into the explanation.

10:10 p.m. I have no idea what Nicolas just said.

10:10 p.m. Epperson would never use green.

I'm gonna go throw away all my green clothes.

Epperson.

10:11 p.m. Mitchell to Ra'Mon: "In our relationship, I can't always tell you that you're perfect."

I've told many an ex-girlfriend the same thing.

10:12 p.m. Note from the judges: The designers must create a second look.

Ra'Mon: "What the capital WTF?"

Dude, just throw together a tank top and shorts.

Oh wait: Mitchell can't make shorts.

Or...anything.

10:17 p.m. We're going back to Mood!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:19 p.m. TIM!!! TIM!!!! LET ME!!!! LET ME!!!!

Me: "Thank you, Mood!!"

(waves)

10:20 p.m. Epperson to Qristal: "We have to understand each other."

I understand you, Epperson. You have dreadlocks and go by one name, yet you're cool and composed and have a learning tree.

Epperson.

10:22 p.m. Every time I hear Gordana speak, I think of some mean-looking nurse named Helga with her hair in a bun and a white uniform on and a dough roller in her hand.

10:23 p.m. I don't know about you, but when I get my hair cut, my hair stylist Sylvia doesn't have preliminary sketches of how my hair might look after the fact. We just talk as we go. And you know what? It works out fine. So basically you're paying this celebrity hair stylist thousands of dollars to draw when you can go to my girl and get the same thing for $25.

Just sayin'.

10:25 p.m. Tim to Ra'Mon and Mitchell: "I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a superhero and a Greek goddess."

Yep, that about sums up their relationship.

10:26 p.m. If Epperson says he's not putting on a show, then Epperson is not putting on a show.

Epperson.

10:31 p.m. Number of fat jokes about Qristal this recap: 0.

Just pointing that out.

10:32 p.m. All together now:

Please use the...MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

Where would we be without it?

10:39 p.m. Johnny and me when we see Heidi:

"Wow."

10:39 p.m. Heidi: "One day you're in, and the next day you're out."

Epperson nods.

He gets it.

Epperson.

10:40 p.m. Rachel Bilson is a guest judge!!! Finally: Someone I like. I heart The OC.

10:40 p.m. For your listening pleasure: The OC theme music.

10:41 p.m. That is a big-ass flower on Johnny and Irina's Avant Garde look.

Now ladies, c'mon: None of you would seriously wear something like that, would you?

10:41 p.m. What does Avant Garde mean?

10:42 p.m. Wow!! Louise and Althea really did combine their styles. It's sexy, and yet there's a part of me that wants to run out of the room in terror.

10:43 p.m. Does Avant Garde mean poofy? Everything's poofy.

10:43 p.m. From Wikipedia:

"Avant-garde represents a pushing of the boundaries of what is accepted as the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm."

So...poofy?

10:44 p.m. The Nicolas-Gordana and Epperson-Qristal teams have the lowest scores. Gordana looks like she wants to beat someone with a dough roller.

10:44 p.m. Rachel Bilson, on Johnny and Irina's look:

"I have to say that that's my favorite look out of all the looks because, you know, I would definitely wear that."

Isn't she cute when she speaks?

10:46 p.m. Mitchell's screwed.

10:46 p.m. Heidi to Rachel: "Which one would you wear?"

Rachel: "That one."

And then Rachel points.

So cute.

10:47 p.m. Epperson and Qristal are snappin' at each other.

Are they married?

10:47 p.m. Qristal: "It was a bad marriage."

See? I'm locked in.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge whose name I forget:

"If you can't be a team player, you can't be a designer."

Complete with subtitles.

10:48 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say this because white straight guys being forced to watch this show will agree:

The only reason why Nicolas and Gordana's Avant Garde piece is not that horrible is because their model is Asian.

All white straight guys love Asian women.

It's just our thing.

10:48 p.m. Old guy judge mumbles.

10:50 p.m. Old guy judge says Qristal was weak and Epperson took advantage.

That's because he's...

Epperson.

10:56 p.m. Ra'Mon wins!!! All hail last-minute dye jobs!!!

10:57 p.m. Meth boy and hot girl are in, as are Nicolas and Gordana. See? The old white guy judge loves Asian women. I'm telling you.

10:57 p.m. Epperson's in!!

Epperson.

10:58 p.m. Mitchell (big shock) and Qristal (who has been wearing a quite slimming blue dress for the second half of the episode) are in the bottom 2. I'd say Mitchell's chances of going home are about...oh, I don't know...CERTAIN!!!!

10:58 p.m. Mitchell is voted out (finally) and becomes the first person in Project Runway history to get eliminated despite being part of a winning team.

Mitchell: "In the end, I'm going home with a smile on my face."

He shouldn't. Because he sucks.

Final thoughts:

Finally!!! Good Lord, my fashion sense is about zilch (I just recently got a new pair of sneakers for the first time in nearly four years) but even I knew that the boy was God-awful and had to go. Rachel Bilson as a guest judge was a pleasant surprise -- I even liked her in the movie Jumper -- and how great of a husband am I for not making one fat joke about Qristal the entire episode? I mean, that deserves brownie points, does it not?

OK, so I'm all caught up now. Thank you for your patience while I was away. See you Thursday night!!

Episode 2: Wrapping Yourself Up In A Curtain, Pregnant Designs, And The Truth Underneath Models' Bras: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-09-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

So I've returned from my honeymoon and we now have the task of sifting through wedding gifts that we have no room for. Never mind the fact that I pleaded with my wife, Ramona, ahead of time that we shouldn't register for too much stuff because we live in a one-bedroom apartment. Like all males during the wedding process, my words fell on death ears. Besides:

"We'll need a meat tenderizer one day," Ramona says.

For some reason, I have my doubts.

OK, so I'm back. Here's the recap from Episode 2. Episode 3 recap to follow soon:

10:01 p.m. Althea didn't realize that Ari was going to go home, providing another boost to the "dumb blonde" theory.

10:02 p.m. You know why you need blogs like mine? Malvin has wrapped himself up in a curtain and everyone accepts this as normal behavior. I don't know about you, but if I saw a guy wrapped up in a curtain, I would ask:

Why the hell are you wrapped up in a curtain?

But that's just me.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is going on and on about how thankful he is that he's still here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell thinks he deserves to be here.

10:02 p.m. Mitchell is ready to rekindle his dream.

10:02 p.m. I want to kill Mitchell.

10:03 p.m. Heidi wears leopard print.

Need more be said?

10:03 p.m. Does Chris look roided to anyone else? How did this escape my notice last week?

10:03 p.m. Irina would be much hotter if she never, ever spoke.

10:04 p.m. The designers will have to make something for a pregnant lady.

Nicolas: "I have never done a pregnancy outfit before in my life."

I'm stunned.

10:04 p.m. Did anyone ever see that movie "Wedding Crashers?" Nicolas looks just like the gay artist who played Christopher Walken's son and tried to sleep with Vince Vaughn and thought Will Farrell was hitting on him.

Don't you think?

10:04 p.m. Here's the difference between Heidi Klum and Rebecca Romijn. Heidi looked hot pregnant. Rebecca does not. Plus, I never heard Rebecca speak until now, and you know what? She has a fat voice. You know what I mean? If I heard her on the phone, I'd think she'd weigh 320 pounds.

10:05 p.m. Fat voice goes on and on about what she's looking for. Short version: She's looking for something to wear that will fit her fat, not-hot-at-all pregnant ass.

10:05 p.m. Did Rebecca dump John Stamos, or was it the other way around?

10:06 p.m. Irina has no idea where the pregnant belly is supposed to go. Gordana informs her that it's under the boob area.

That's helpful.

10:06 p.m. You know what's great about Epperson? He hardly talks, he looks cool, he's got a great nod, and he hardly talks (worth mentioning twice). He's totally worthy of the whole one-name thing.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:07 p.m. Pregnant women are not Logan's "deal".

That sound you're hearing is the sound of single moms' hearts breaking everywhere.

10:07 p.m. Not that I was ever listening to what he was saying anyway, but every time I look at Malvin now, I think of that damn curtain. I mean...can someone explain that to me?

10:08 p.m. How can Qristal possibly have a problem with staying centered? With those hips, it is humanly possible for her to sway?

10:09 p.m. Wouldn't it be funny if after Tim said "Thank you, Mood" some voice in the distance would say: "You're welcome."

10:09 p.m. Irina is just now realizing that her pregnant model dummy is pregnant.

Don't you just love her for her mind?

10:10 p.m. Louise is known for 1920s negligee-styled cocktail dresses. So beware of Louise if you ever wish to tackle that niche market.

10:10 p.m. Malvin's concept of his pregnant design revolves around fertility.

Way to reach there, curtain boy.

10:15 p.m. God, Louise is ugly.

10:17 p.m. Mitchell makes fat shorts for Rebecca's fat ass.

A dollar says Qristal can't fit in them.

10:17 p.m. Shirin just did this Russian/Middle Eastern accent thing that moves her up on the hotness chart.

10:18 p.m. You know what Ra'Mon needs? A gap in his tooth. Wouldn't that just, you know, fit?

10:19 p.m. Althea in a tight white tank top.

I don't know what she's making.

And I don't care.

10:19 p.m. I ask this in a very objective, heterosexual male way:

How could any guy get it up for Louise?

?????

10:20 p.m. Malvin is making an outfit meant to make a woman's hips look wider.

Dude...

10:21 p.m. You know what else Ra'Mon needs?

A gold tooth.

Now I'm cookin'.

10:21 p.m. Don't you just love how when Tim talked about "cuckoo", the camera panned to Malvin?

10:22 p.m. What's with Ra'Mon's striped socks? What are we saying here?

10:23 p.m. Is it weird of me to say that seeing the models strip down to their bras and panties and then putting on the pregnancy bubble was kind of sexy?

10:23 p.m. Johnny is giving his model runway-walk lessons.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I think he's relapsed too.

10:24 p.m. OK, Qristal should not be allowed to wear short-shorts. There needs to be a weight limit for those things.

10:29 p.m. Malvin is having doubts, and he feels the best way to relieve those doubts is to make his egg design more literal.

Bye Malvin.

10:30 p.m. THE MACYS ACCESSORY WALL!!!!!

(pumps fist in air)

10:30 p.m. I just had this thought about seeing these models in their bras:

These models may look great in their bras, but once they take those bras off and you see they have no boobs, it just ruins it for the guy.

Case in point: Back in college, I fooled around with a girl who looked great in her undergarments. But our relationship ended shortly after seeing her without a bra. I mean, I'm a fan of rolling hills, not a flat, barren field.

Just thought I'd share.

10:31 p.m. In a 30-second span, I saw eight L'Oreal references.

Even Pepsi is not that brazen.

10:32 p.m. Qristal's needle broke.

It's because she's fat.

10:32 p.m. Oh my God!! Malvin looks like an Asian Michael Jackson!! How did I not make this connection before?

10:32 p.m. Malvin did not just make a "crack the egg" reference. C'mon, bro.

10:38 p.m. I don't know who Monique Lhuilller is, but she is hot as hell!! Fill in for Michael Kors anytime!!

10:40 p.m. Does anyone else find it funny that the models do their model swagger while pretending to be pregnant?

10:46 p.m. Malvin uses the words "cocoon" and "nest" when describing his dress.

Regardless of whether he was gay or straight, who the hell would find this guy attractive?

10:49 p.m. Heidi can't sew.

She doesn't need to sew. She's hot.

10:49 p.m. Nina Garcia says Malvin's design was "bizarre."

It's such an obvious statement, I honestly don't have a witty response.

10:57 p.m. Shirin wins!! One of the hot girls can't be eliminated in the next round!!

10:57 p.m. Qristal to Shirin: "Come to Mama!!"

(Shudders.)

10:57 p.m. Althea's in!!!

10:57 p.m. Ra'Mon is in, which means that Mitchell and Curtain Boy are in the bottom two.

10:58 p.m. Malvin's out??? But we've hardly been able to make fun of him yet!! So many curtain references yet to be used!! :-(

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "I'm too conceptual for America."

Yeah. That was it.

10:59 p.m. Malvin: "One of the best things about this experience is that I've learned how strong I am grounded as a designer, as a philosopher, and as a person."

OK seriously: Can we have a re-vote? Malvin is doing my job for me. These statements are gold.

Final thoughts:

OK I confess: I was stunned Malvin was eliminated. Yeah, he's an idiot. But think of the ratings he would've given the show in the weeks to come!! Now we won't see him wrap himself up in tin foil, paper bags, and God knows what else. Plus he's one of those guys who can say random nonsense and I don't even have to have a response to it. Big, big loss for me. Besides, Mitchell is boring. He can't even make shorts.

At least the hot girls are still here. And I'd like to see Epperson get some more camera time so I can write "Epperson" in more places.

Episode 3 recap to come soon. Until next time.

'That Crazy, Wacko Designer', Putting Shakopee On The Map, And Suffering For My Fans: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2009-08-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Since the season premiere aired, two really cool things have happened to me:

I got married. :-)

And I sat on a heated toilet seat...twice.

Both big events...in their own special way.

And with that mind, here's the first mailbag of the season. John writes:

That crazy, wacko designer chick who got kicked off the episode? What the hell was she wearing throughout the show? And then the dumbass dude who made the see-through dress thing and for some reason wasn't cut, but then bailed on his model and she got tossed? Craziness.

And the best part was when Nina Garcia said that talking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world." That's the reaction you're going to get when you describe your clothing as a cross between "Nobel Peace Prize winner" and "2080".

Stacia writes:

I don't watch the show, but I heard the winner of the (All-Star) challenge was some dude named Christopher from Shakopee, MN...my tiny hometown!

Shakopee is now officially on the map.

And finally, Namratha writes:

Is it wrong that I'm so pleased you're willing to suffer another season's worth of torture for little ol' us? :)

Yes it is, Namratha. And just so you know: I'm going to hate you forever. I tend to hold grudges.

Remember everyone: I'm off for my honeymoon starting tomorrow so the recaps for Episodes 2 and 3 will be late!!

Episode 1: Three Hot Women, Transformative Clothing, And A Meth Addict: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

2009-08-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

So despite the fact that I'm getting married in 42 hours, I have somehow managed to sneak away from both mine and my fiancee Ramona's psycho relatives (and I use the word "psycho" with the greatest deal of love and respect. They're all great, but there's a wedding happening and everyone is at their maximum craziness level) to watch the season premiere of Project Runway and start a new season of this blog.

Before the season premiere starts, know three things:

1) No, I am not blogging about the Project Runway All-Star Challenge because, honestly, I don't care. But I did catch the last 10 minutes of it and (spoiler alert) Korto from last season was beaten by some ugly dude in an uglier jacket named Daniel.

Korto: "Why do I never seem to win?"

It's because your ass got fatter and Heidi Klum looks 10 times as hot as you even though she's totally preggo.

At least, that's my theory.

2) I don't care that the show is now on Lifetime.

3) I don't care that the show is now filmed in Los Angeles.

And if you do care, please send me comments telling me how much you care and I'll make fun of you in a future blog. :-)

And with that in mind, on with the show:

10 p.m. Some dude named Ra'Mon used to study neurosurgery. We will no doubt make fun of this a lot as the season goes on.

10:01 p.m. Johnny has tried out for the show numerous times but has never made it, and he realized it was because he used to be addicted to crystal meth.

Glad to see he managed to diagnose the source of the problem.

10:02 p.m. Gordana is 44 and looks 90. The shot of her in a spaghetti strap dress will give me nightmares tonight.

10:02 p.m. I would make fun of Malvin's hair now, but let's face it: There's plenty of time.

10:02 p.m. Carol is hot as hell. I want her to win.

10:02 p.m. Qristal is probably what Korto will look like in 15 years.

10:03 p.m. Shirin. Damn. Two beautiful female contestants this year? Did Lifetime actually read my suggestion letters?

10:04 p.m. Nicolas is known as the "feather prince." Gee, you think he's gay?

10:04 p.m. Mitchell says he knows what a woman likes. I have my doubts. Not sure why.

10:05 p.m. Is Ari a guy or a girl?

10:05 p.m. Speaking of Ari: "Transformative clothing?" What is that? Clothing for hermaphrodites?

10:05 p.m. Althea!!! Three hot women!!!

10:05 p.m. Make that four!!! (Irina) Plus, she said the word "leather" as we got a boob shot. I can even forgive that damn foofy dog. Heidi Klum has got some competition for my attention this year.

10:05 p.m. Louise: This season's psycho chick.

10:06 p.m. You know what? Carol looks a little trashy (not unlike Tara Reid). She's off the hot list.

10:06 p.m. Ladies and gentlemen: Epperson.

Remember the name.

Epperson.

10:06 p.m. Can you guess who Epperson reminds me of? The obvious answer is here.

10:06 p.m. Ya think Epperson is jammin'?

10:06 p.m. Tim Gunn is like that teacher in high school that you hate so much during the season, don't see him all summer, like him on the first day of school, and then quickly realize why you hated him.

10:07 p.m. Louise likes garage sales...oh, I mean vintage.

10:07 p.m. Is Malvin a guy or a girl? Seriously.

10:08 p.m. Althea thinks she can be the best designer in the world.

And if you can't, sweetie, there's always pole dancing. Noble profession.

10:10 p.m. The challenge is a "red carpet" challenge. Which means we might actually see clothes that make sense.

Might.

10:11 p.m. Is Qristal Korto's mom? C'mon, some of you have already asked this question.

10:11 p.m. Malvin doesn't "watch the red carpet." Ari "doesn't sketch."

It's probably a hermaphrodite thing.

10:13 p.m. Ari: "I think the style I'm going for is this weird, bolbus, hexagonal tesilation forms that catch the light."

Uh-huh.

10:14 p.m. Qristal has the worst kind of big boobs. The ones that make you sick when you look at them.

10:15 p.m. Mitchell is "smocking." As am I.

10:15 p.m. Johnny feels completely lost.

Withdrawals?

10:15 p.m. Johnny wants to go to sleep for a while.

Withdrawals?

10:16 p.m. Johnny feels like he's reached his limit...16 minutes into the show.

Say it with me now:

Withdrawals?

10:20 p.m. OK you know what: Let Johnny leave. I'm already tired of the whole "I'm a former addict and I want sympathy" thing.

10:21 p.m. Johnny doesn't want to fail. Tim doesn't want Johnny to fail. Me? I'll give Johnny some meth right now just to watch him fail and laugh about it.

I'm just saying what everyone is thinking.

10:21 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "You can do it!!"

Seriously: I half-expected a fist bump.

10:22 p.m. Tim to Johnny: "Make it work."

First "MIW" reference of the season.

10:22 p.m. Malvin says that no one ever understands what Malvin does. No argument there.

10:23 p.m. We see Epperson.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:23 p.m. Johnny speaks. I tune out.

10:24 p.m. Christopher talks a lot about what he doesn't know and never heard of.

His mind, no doubt, is a blank slate.

10:24 p.m. Tim to Ari: "Where is this going?"

Ari: "What do you mean?

Oh boy.

10:24 p.m. Tim has "halter diaper" fears about Ari's design. Personally, it would be better than I'd expect.

10:26 p.m. Dude, shouldn't Mitchell make something where the person wearing it could actually breathe through the neck?

10:31 p.m. Ari feels she'll have to explain what she does. You know what? Don't bother. It won't help.

10:31 p.m. We have to find a better nickname for Qristal than "Korto's mom." Suggestions?

10:32 p.m. Be sure to use the Macy's accessory wall!!

10:33 p.m. Tim says the words "hard out" and for some reason, I got a creepy feeling.

10:35 p.m. Mitchell, your "naked model" is not naked. She doesn't look naked nor do I conjure up naked thoughts when I see her.

Now go smock.

10:39 p.m. Is it just me, or is Heidi looking hotter this year? Is it because she's wearing her hair down more? I'm into the hair-down look. Not a big bun fan.

10:40 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is the guest judge. She's an actress, singer and fashion designer. She's also a former lesbo.

10:40 p.m. What do you think the odds are that Johnny will hit up Lindsay for crystal meth connections after the show?

10:40 p.m. I don't think Lindsay has heard that much clapping since her last AA meeting.

10:40 p.m. Althea's dress is awesome!! Perhaps I'm a little biased.

10:43 p.m. I still don't see why Mitchell is so concerned with the "naked" factor. This is Hollywood, for God's sake. Maybe you should worry a bit more about the fact that your dress has this neck ring thing going on.

10:44 p.m. Chris cries. I think he realized how boring he is to write about.

10:45 p.m. Epperson talks about pressure. Mad pressure.

Remember the name:

Epperson.

10:46 p.m. Lindsay looks confused about Ari's dress. She's obviously never heard of transformative clothing.

10:46 p.m. Johnny's dress screams "naked" to me more than Mitchell's dress does. Score one for meth use.

10:47 p.m. Qristal's model walks down the runway like she's being paid per hip bounce.

10:47 p.m. You think Nicolas got beat up a lot in school?

10:48 p.m. Logan.

I have nothing to say about him.

10:48 p.m. All three hot women are safe.

Phew.

10:50 p.m. Christopher's dress is for the video music awards.

Chris knows nothing nor has ever heard of anything.

Plus he cries.

10:51 p.m. Ari has just used the words "2080" and "Nobel Peace Prize" while describing her dress.

Vote. Her (him). Off.

10:51 p.m. Lindsay talks about being "acceptable" and "appropriate."

I chuckle.

10:52 p.m. Mitchell says "smocking" and the judges don't blink. I mean...c'mon.

10:54 p.m. Nina Garcia says that speaking to Ari was like "speaking to someone in another world."

Pretty much.

10:57 p.m. Johnny's safe. More meth references next week.

10:57 p.m. Chris wins. Who says you need to know anything about anything to win something?

10:58 p.m. Bottom two: Ari and Mitchell. Transformative Nonsense vs. Smocking.

10:59 p.m. Ari's gone. Big blow to the transformative clothing movement.

Final thoughts:

We got three hot women in Shirin, Althea and Irina, so right away the move to Los Angeles is paying dividends. Plus, we've been given another week to make fun of Malvin's hair, Johnny's meth addiction, and to come up with a suitable nickname for Qristal. I would've rather seen Mitchell go because I was pegging Ari to be my Stella this season -- the one I make fun of the most week in and week out -- but we can't have everything.

Please note: I will be on my honeymoon the next two episodes so it's very likely that my next episode recaps will be delayed until just before Labor Day.

No doubt you'll miss me immensely. :-)

Until next time.

All Right, I'll Do The Damn Project Runway Hater Blog Again: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2009-08-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

OK, so here's the deal. Last week, I had made the announcement on my main blog -- nevdogg.blogspot.com -- that I wasn't going to continue with my Project Runway hater blog this season (which starts Aug. 20) because I'm getting married on Aug. 22 and will essentially be away for the first three episodes of the season.

Plus: I truly did hate watching the show. :-)

But because so many of you have asked me to continue doing the blog, I have decided that I will in fact by doing the Project Runway Hater blog again this season.

Happy now? :-)

For those of you who don't know, last year my fiancee Ramona (who was my girlfriend at the time) was pushing me to do one of those fan blogs on a show, thinking that I would be good at it. I, however, hesitated. See, I'm not into fan blogs. I've always found them boring. What's the point of writing on a show you love? You'll either a) write about how much you love the show (which is like watching an action movie without a bad guy) or b) you'll rip the show but not really rip the show because you love it so (and if that sounds like it makes no sense, that's because it makes no sense).

But then I got an idea.

"What if I wrote about a show I hated?" I asked Ramona.

I mean, why not? I had never seen a hater blog before, and wouldn't it be funny to read someone's views on a show they absolutely hated? Ripping the show apart. Showing a lack of understanding. Telling fans of the show that they're moronic imbeciles for liking this idiotic piece of television.

Now that I could get into!!

So I started thinking about kind of show would be perfect for such a blog. Enter Project Runway. I hate clothes, I had watched approximately 13 minutes of one episode and wanted to throw myself off a cliff during every second of those minutes, and Ramona loved the show so I knew that our arguments over her love and my disdain would make for great copy.

And so it began. :-)

And the funny thing was: The blog was successful. Each week, I did a running commentary of the crap that was on screen (and no, my hatred of the show never wavered) and people came to read!! By season's end, more than 13,600 hits were registered on projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com and I even got a small write-up in the Houston Chronicle.

So bucking under public pressure, I will indeed do the blog again. But please note: For the first three weeks of the season, my posts will be late. I'll do my best to squeeze in the Episode 1 recap before the wedding, but recaps of Episodes 2 and 3 will have to wait until I come back from my honeymoon in early September.

So my hate will just have to wait.

:-)

Season Finale: Kenley's Leaves, Korto's Ugly Mom, And Leanne's Fear Of Colors: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-10-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

As happens every week, my running diary of tonight's season finale will no doubt be filled with criticisms about how dumb this show is (I don't even get to see J-Lo as a celebrity judge. WTF?) so let me take a moment to say something nice:

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog this season. It's funny: Many of you love the show yet love the fact that I bash it. I never got that. But hey, whatever works for you. :-)

But seriously, going into tonight this blog has been read by more than 6,300 people, which is pretty good considering we only got one major write-up from an outside source (thank you Bobby Hankinson from the Houston Chronicle.)

So to those who told me that a hater blog would never fly...

You're stupid.

:-)

And now, the season finale:

9 p.m. Leanne says it's a Project Runway first to have all women in the final.

Somewhere, Hillary Clinton is pumping her fist.

9:02 p.m. The women look over the models with John, the token gay man on the panel. Nice work if you can get it.

9:03 p.m. Tim to Kenley, regarding one of her designs: "I guess I'm perplexed how this rope wrangles the organic nature of what's happening here."

As am I.

9:04 p.m. Kenley disagrees (shock of shocks). She likes the rope (shock of shocks).

9:04 p.m. Kenley throws down the gauntlet at Tim and Tim responds with a look that literally made me bowl over in laughter. It's a look that says, "God you're such a bitch and I so hope you lose so that afterwards, I can tell you what a bitch you are. Bitch bitch bitch."

9:06 p.m. Tim and Kenley compromise. Like the U.S. and North Korea, I doubt the truce will last long.

9:07 p.m. Korto is making two new looks.

Kenley: "She's insane."

My fiancee Ramona: "She's insane."

Me: "She's insane."

(Note: I don't know why she's insane, but I just wanted to feel part of the group)

9:10 p.m. Leanne laughs behind Kenley's back. It's like the town shrew laughing at the town whore.

9:15 p.m. You know why I like Topacio? She's the only model who looks normal. And she's got that "Deep down, you know I'm out of your league but I have that cute little smile that makes you think that maybe you have a chance" thing going on. Kind of like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

9:16 p.m. Korto: "Thank God, Jesus."

There's a contradiction in there somewhere.

9:17 p.m. A random dog poops near the clothes.

Good dog.

9:20 p.m. Kenley's parents haven't been a part of her life the past few years. She was probably disowned.

9:20 p.m. Kenley is wearing leaves in her hair.

OK then.

9:20 p.m. Kenley tells her student helpers that she doesn't need help.

While wearing leaves in her hair.

9:21 p.m. Kenley is wearing freakin' leaves in her hair!!

Somewhere, Jerell is laughing. And saying: "As if."

9:22 p.m. You know how they say that you can tell how a woman will look in 30 years by looking at her mom?

Run, Korto's husband. Run.

Seriously, that woman could make the Grim Reaper pause.

9:26 p.m. Heidi is in conservative wear. Talk about going out on a whimper.

9:27 p.m. Heidi explains how J-Lo ditched the guest judge spot at the last minute. Then they introduce Tim, like a bad twist at the end of the movie. It ranks right up there with "Soylent Green is made of people."

9:27 p.m. Kenley after the Tim announcement:

"Maybe I should've improved my attitude."

Uh, ya think?

9:28 p.m. Kenley grabs the mike. With leaves in her hair.

I mean, that's gotta dock her points, right?

9:31 p.m. What designs of Korto's aren't inspired by nature? What exactly does that mean? She likes camping? She gets off looking at trees?

9:32 p.m. In 28 minutes, I can stop watching this stupid show.

Just sayin'.

9:33 p.m. Korto brings her daughter on stage. Playing the family card. A move inspired by nature, no doubt.

9:34 p.m. Did Leanne know she was allowed to use actual colors?

9:38 p.m. Previous PR designers give their views. I tune out. My rule of thumb: The only opinion that matters is mine. Everyone else's thoughts are just background noise.

9:42 p.m. Christ Kenley, can we ditch the leaves? It's making me want to prune something.

9:43 p.m. I didn't know Tim had an actual job. I always pictured him pacing around clothing stores, pointing at things at random, before being plucked by PR producers.

9:44 p.m. Kenley and the judges fight to the very end. Judge Nina gives her a look that says:

"What the fuck's up with those leaves?"

9:45 p.m. Of course Michael Kors loves Leanne. It's not like he has a large color spectrum.

9:47 p.m. I hate the whole "Why do you deserve to win" question. There's no good answer and everyone cries. Unless someone says, "Because these other morons aren't good enough to pass me the yarn," then who really cares?

9:51 p.m. Fiancee Ramona is picking Korto. She likes the underdog. Ramona is loved by Vegas sportsbooks the world over.

9:55 p.m. Kenley's out. Michael Kors smirks.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in pain. You don't care.

9:57 p.m. Leanne wins. Time for her to go crazy. Maybe when she gets home, she'll add chocolate syrup to milk.

9:59 p.m. Leanne: "$100,000!! Drinks are on this brotha!!"

Yeah.

Final thoughts:

Many of you asked me the same question throughout the year: Did the show ever grow on me?

And the honest answer is:

Hell no!! Christ, every time Wednesday came around, I wanted to cry, knowing an hour of my life was going to be spent watching this crap. I mean, it was all the same. Stupid people, stupid clothes, stupid no-ass models, stupid hats. I swear, if they had just played the season premiere over and over each week, would you have really known the difference?

Nonetheless, I made it through the whole season. And for that, I should be considered one of God's special people. :-) Thanks again for reading, and please continue to check out my regular blog (www.nevdogg.blogspot.com) and my podcast (www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com)

Auf Wiedersehen.

(Kiss. Kiss.)

A Heidi See-Through I Missed, Different Thoughts On Jerell, And A Kenley Fact That Makes Me Feel Better: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

2008-10-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in the mailbag. I was up at Stanford for my fiancee's alumni weekend. It gave me an opportunity to remind myself of why I hate sports bars. They're loud, full of drunks, you can't move, and you can't hear the TV.

It's like being at a family function.

Anyways, the final mailbag before the season finale. Kristi isn't happy. Why is that?

If they would have gotten rid of Kenley last week like they were supposed too, my beloved Jerell wouldn't be gone. OK, so his bridesmaid dress was a hot mess, but who cares. He's Jerell. He's fabulous.

And it kills me to admit this, but Kenley's wedding and bridesmaid dress were kinda cute.

I just hope she doesn't win. PR can't disappoint me like that!

P.S. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spend half of your post discussing Heidi's see-through shirt from the beginning of the episode.

Admittedly, I missed that. It's time you know: I'm like most males. After a while, I get bored and need variety.

Jessie wrote:

I'm in agreement with Kristi.... I can't believe you didn't mention Heidi's shirts. I think both of them were see-through.

All right all right. Next time Heidi wears a see-through, I'll write about that and nothing else. Just to keep y'all happy.

Orion wrote:

Jerell's dress was ridiculous. I thought the bridesmaid's dress was quite good. His "love interest" turned my stomach. And the mental image of them together? That was enough for me to want him auf'd.

Leanne's dresses were both really nicely done and it was nice to see Karalyn again. I like how the bridesmaid dress covered up the knife wound scar in Karalyn's back.

Korto's was, disappointing. But I think what was more disappointing was her hair in Little Rock.

Kenley's was awesome but.... She has no friends and family? At all?! Just a picture of gran? That was really, REALLY sad and made me empathize (or is it sympathize) with her all the more.

It's sympathize. I'm an editor. I know these things.

Gay.after.a.few wrote:

Thanks for the updates, Nev. I've ditched the show for baseball. I'll watch the finally (yes "finally," not "finale") with the gf. I did see a picture of Kenley's wedding gown. WTF? All that was missing was a birdcage hat. How'd you like to see your fiancee come down the aisle in that? You're right about one thing: bridesmaids are easy.

Aren't they? And here's the funny thing: Maids of honor are not. They're harder to climb than Everest. But bridesmaids are the opposite. Is it jealousy on their end? Is it because the MOH is too busy keeping the bride in check?

And finally, my good friend Sylvia wrote:

Just had to let you know all you really have in common with Kenley is the grandma reference. She is from Florida and moved to Brooklyn. Hope that makes you feel a little better. =)

Sylvia, you have no idea. :-)

Episode 13: Wedding Dresses, Leanne's Boring Boyfriend, And Jerell's Brief Manly Vibe: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-10-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

So one of my loyal readers, Kristi, passed along a link this morning featuring a 90-second clip of the Project Runway final four on Regis and Kelly. Be warned: If you watch it, you will see the following disturbing images:

---Korto and Kenley hugging.

---Jerell wearing a jacket with mirrors on it.

---And everyone giving Regis a group hug.

Leanne does nothing.

As is the norm.

With that said, Episode 12:

9:01 p.m. Starting the show off with Heidi is like starting dinner off with cookies and cream cheesecake. So good and yet so bad.

9:01 p.m. They have to design a wedding dress as part of their collection. Prediction: Kenley's dress will be black. Or have purple ruffles.

9:02 p.m. Kenley leaves without saying goodbye. I, for one, would've at least liked a, "Hey Nev, thanks for writing about me for the past three months." Apparently, I don't matter.

9:03 p.m. Tim goes to visit Korto in Little Rock and her hair is covered.

I'm confused.

9:06 p.m. Korto has a drumming partner named...Ginseng? They're actually really good, but...Ginseng? Did I hear right?

9:07 p.m. Korto's daughter is so cute!! I want to pinch her cheeks. Unlike Korto's ass.

9:08 p.m. Leanne's boyfriend Nathan is actually as I pictured him. Skinny, dorky, boring. They'll have ordinary children.

9:09 p.m. Poor Nathan the boyfriend. His girlfriend looks ordinary and talks about designing all day long. A wild sex life, I'm guessing they don't have.

9:10 p.m. Leanne and Tim go bike riding. Because I think driving would cause her too much excitement.

9:10 p.m. Leanne tells Tim his life story. I'm starting to doze off.

9:11 p.m. Tim thanks Leanne for letting him experience Portland.

As they show a picture of a tree.

Portland.

They got trees.

9:16 p.m. Jerell's got a beard and had about 0.35 seconds of "manly vibe" before kissing Tim on both cheeks.

It was nice while it lasted.

9:17 p.m. You know what I just realized? Unlike Jerell and Korto, Tim didn't meet Leanne's friends.

Does Leanne have any friends?

:-(

9:18 p.m. My fiancee Ramona is watching with me this evening and said this about Jerell:

"From South Central to gay runway designer."

Quite an accomplishment.

9:19 p.m. Jerell's dad's hair makes Korto's hair looks like a buzzcut.

9:19 p.m. Jerell talks about his dad.

Jerell cries.

You knew it was only a matter of time.

9:20 p.m. SCARY!! Kenley is from Brooklyn. My grandma is from Brooklyn. Kenley's grandma looks like someone named Florence. My grandma was named Florence. I've officially christened Kenley's grandma "Florence 2.0."

It's like Kenley and I have a forced kinship now. Ewwww.

9:21 p.m. Kenley likes ropes.

Uh-huh.

9:21 p.m. Tim loves Kenley's stuff. I think Tim would've said anything to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Believe me, when you're in a Brooklyn apartment, the walls close in. It's got this...thing.

9:21 p.m. One more thing about Brooklyn apartments: My grandma's apartment required a key to get out. It was like she knew you were desperate to leave and took all preventative measures.

9:23 p.m. Kenley is the last one to arrive at the final four suite and gives one of those two-second "Sorry for being a bitch" mumbling-type apologies. Not much help. But Tim -- like a hand from the heavens -- sends them all alcohol.

Now the healing can begin.

9:26 p.m. Now the designers have to design a bridesmaid dress. Does anybody care? Just make something that says "Elegant, yet get me drunk and I'll hop in the sack" and you're good to go.

9:31 p.m. Leanne knows the exact colors, the exact materials, the exact design.

God, that sounds boring. Even boyfriend Nathan is rolling his eyes. And he's a detail freak. I can tell.

9:31 p.m. Kenley and Korto do that whole female "we're acting like we're joking, but we really mean it" thing. That's the difference between men and women. Men would just brawl until either a) they got out their aggression, or b) one of them was killed.

Either way, problem solved.

9:32 p.m. According to Korto, Jerell thinks all bridesmaids should be ugly. Jerell is right. If the bridesmaids are ugly, the bride will feel better about herself and the groom won't be tempted.

Win-win for all involved.

9:35 p.m. Tim says Leanne is making music with her wedding dress.

Nathan the boyfriend: "It'd be nice if she made some music in the bedroom!!"

Trust me: Nathan said that.

9:36 p.m. Tim is crying. He can't help it, he's gay.

(Yeah, I said it. But damn it: You're thinking it!!)

9:41 p.m. This is the problem with runway models: They're way too skinny. Jerell's model is half naked and I didn't care in the slightest. It was like looking at a human stick.

9:43 p.m. Heidi goes conservative for this critical moment of the season. But after just seeing human stick girl half naked, I'd take Heidi in a mumu.

9:44 p.m. Prediction: Topacio will save Kenley from elimination. After all, it's:

Topacio.

9:46 p.m. Leanne's collection is inspired by waves.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:47 p.m. The judges critique Jerell's wedding dress, complete with flower pot hat.

Fiancee Ramona: "Nev, I promise you: I won't wear something like that at our wedding."

I love being engaged to a woman with a voice of reason.

9:57 p.m. Leanne is in. And the meek shall inherit the Earth.

9:57 p.m. Kenley is in. Everyone: Collectively groan.

9:57 p.m. Jerell is out. The weird, crazy hat train has finally boarded.

Final thoughts:

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of some creative "final thoughts" but I got nothing. This was a boring, boring episode. I'm not into the whole "visit the designers at home" thing. I could care less about their personal lives. Kenley lives in Brooklyn. Who cares? Leanne rides her bike and looks at trees. Boring. Korto plays drums with Ginseng. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. And Jerell is the only "out" gay in South Central Los Angeles. Well, good for him.

As for the final three, here's my prediction: Leanne. Sure, she's got as much personality as a dead goldfish, but she's got nothing else in her life taking up her time. Korto has her family. Kenley has her personal issues. All Leanne has is sex with Nathan.

Like I said: Nothing else in her life taking up her time.

It's Official: No One Likes This Show: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag:

2008-10-05T19:30:00.001-07:00

If the comments I received after last episode were any indication, I'm not the only one who hates this show (damn, I thought I had the market cornered). Check out what readers had to say:

Another Suburban Mom said:

The ending was lame. I was watching Criminal Minds last night and turned on PR for the last five minutes.

I think they did that because the producers don't want Kenley to go.

If I was Miss Jerrell, I would be pissed!

ASM, I would love nothing more than to only watch the last five minutes of the show, find out who lost, and then bullshit the first 55 minutes of the blog. Hell, I doubt anyone would even notice. Just talk about Korto's ass, Kenley's self-esteem issues, and Jerell's crying and ironing. Who would know the difference?

Kristi said:

I knew they were going to pull a stunt like not eliminating anyone. Last year PR did the same thing.

I can't believe they didn't send Kenley home. I so do not want to watch 12 50s style dresses come down the runway.

And the thing is, Kenley has no endearing qualities. She's not pretty, her voice makes you want to pull out her tongue and strangle her, and her clothes aren't even good enough to be considered bad in a "oh man that's so bad that it's actually funny" kind of way. How hard could it be to tell her to go home and throw her clothes out of the window? I'd of volunteered for luggage tossing duty.

And finally, Stephanie said:

Okay but seriously, Kenley's dress looked so ridiculous, and she needs to shut the fuck up and stop trying to defend herself.

Any artist worth their salt will listen to critique, evaluate it, and then decide whether or not it's something that they should address in their work. Kenley never even listens.

I've never met a woman who listens.

Even the female dog I had growing up would just sit there when I told her to get my slippers.

Damn dog.

Episode 12: Jerell Plays With Syrup, Everyone Hates Kenley, And "Tulle": A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-10-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

Since I forgot to plug my other blogs during my last mailbag...and because I have nothing interesting to say in the moments prior to tonight's episode, here are my plugs:

www.nevdogg.blogspot.com This week, I talk about the rising prices of double cheeseburgers: How the downfall of the U.S. economy affects me. :-)

And there's my most recent podcast at www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com This week's topics include: A salute to football's barbarism, the cost to pray during Jewish New Year's, and a "shocking" study that says texting while driving is dangerous (yes, millions of dollars were spent figuring this out.)

I offer this guarantee: You'll find at least one of these more entertaining than tonight's episode.

If I don't deliver on this guarantee, I'll send you a personal expired, out-of-state check.

You can take that to the bank.

And with that, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Korto is giving the whole "going after my dreams" speech. Her fat ass needs to go after a cardio bike, that's what I think.

9:01 p.m. Kenley says Leanne made her last outfit look like a fool's outfit. Yeah, that was it.

9:02 p.m. Jerell is playing with syrup and apples.

Now, if you were about to walk into a room and saw someone on the floor playing with syrup and apples, and that person was older than 10, wouldn't you...pause?

9:02 p.m. OK, that is seriously the hottest I have ever seen Heidi. Can we get a "make Heidi wear leopard print in every remaining episode" petition going?

9:03 p.m. Kenley doesn't know where they're going on their field trip. Why is it that every time they venture outside, someone says, "I don't know where we're going." Of course you don't know. That's the point. It's supposed to be a surprise. Like when your parents make you think you're going to Disneyland and they actually drop you off at the dentist.

9:05 p.m. Collier Strong (???) tells the designers to create an evening gown inspired by nature. If I was doing this challenge, I'd gain inspiration by pissing on a tree.

It would take me back to my youth.

9:06 p.m. A bee stings Leanne. When a bee stings someone, doesn't that bee die?

Poor bee. What a waste.

9:07 p.m. Now Korto's giving the whole "win one for my mamma" speech. Christ, shut up and drink a Slim Fast.

9:10 p.m. Now Korto's singing. Everything she does tonight is bugging me. I hope she trips.

9:10 p.m. Jerell is seriously mumbling. I can't understand a word he's saying tonight. Something about "garments" and "low class." Keep him away from my syrup.

9:10 p.m. Leanne's outfit is "organic." I once wrote a blog talking about this organic myth. Read about it here. The gist: Preservatives and hormones will help you live forever.

9:11 p.m. Kenley asks, "Where's my tool?" Is that a reference to Daniel?

9:11 p.m. Fun little tidbit from fiancee Ramona:

"Tool is actually 'tulle', Nev."

I'll file that under "useless fact."

9:16 p.m. Kenley isn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Which is why she looks at everyone else longingly, with those "I'm so lonely" eyes.

9:17 p.m. Jerell's "tulle" is not for sale.

"Tulle."

9:18 p.m. Tim says Kenley can get another "tulle."

"Tulle."

9:18 p.m. Korto is stressed. I hope she loses her "tulle."

This is fun.

"Tulle."

9:19 p.m. You know it's bad when Jerell is making fun of Kenley to his model. That's like speaking about your ex-girlfriend to your dog. In both scenarios, the response you get is a blank stare and some licks.

9:21 p.m. Kenley has always been left out and she doesn't know why.

Ramona: "You don't know why? It's because you're a bitch. No one likes you."

Couldn't have said it better.

9:22 p.m. Kenley's dad was a tugboat captain. Somehow, that explains a lot.

9:27 p.m. Korto's talking about one-inch trims and she thinks we care.

9:27 p.m. Tim says Kenley's dress looks like fish scales. Kenley takes that as a compliment.

Those two just aren't on the same page. Kind of like North and South Korea.

9:28 p.m. Now Jerell refers to his design as organic. Just once, I'd like someone to refer to their outfit as "greasy."

9:30 p.m. In case you weren't 100 percent sure that Jerell was gay:

He's crying.

As he irons.

9:30 p.m. Korto prays.

And cries.

I hope her ass makes her topple off her chair.

9:31 p.m. Kenley hates what everyone does. Daughter of tugboat captains are pretty negative, I hear.

9:37 p.m. Does Michael Kors ever change his clothes?

9:37 p.m. I have no idea who the guest judge is, but she's hot as hell. That's all that matters.

9:38 p.m. Jerell isn't wearing one of his "psycho, dictator-ish" hats during the judging. Doesn't he know anything about superstition?

9:40 p.m. Hot celebrity judge speaks. Who cares what's she saying? She has pouty lips.

9:40 p.m. Is hot celebrity judge hotter than Heidi? Or is it just me craving a change of pace 12 episodes in? You decide.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's model reminds me of a dog. She doesn't smile, she blinks randomly, and she occassionally tilts her head. It makes make want to throw her a ball and see if she'll run after it.

9:43 p.m. OK, even hot celebrity judge doesn't get a pass for the third "organic" comment of the evening. Christ, what does that even mean? The dress doesn't have that recyclyed, reusable look?

9:43 p.m. Kenley said she wanted to stay away from pretty.

Mission accomplished.

9:43 p.m. Judge Nina just now realizes that Kenley gets defensive. Welcome to the show, sweetheart.

9:44 p.m. You go, Michael Kors (who never changes his clothes). He's the first one to make Kenley shut up.

9:44 p.m. Jerell's about to cry. I'm going to drink some syrup.

9:46 p.m. Korto's a mother and she still has a dream. Jerell cries. I heave.

9:46 p.m. Kenley says she's fought her way through life. What? You had to eat non-organic foods?

9:47 p.m. Kenley insults Korto. Korto fights back. They should battle in a tugboat match. Loser loses their "tulle."

"Tulle."

Tee hee.

9:49 p.m. Hot celebrity judge has a British accent. Her hotness factor has risen.

9:50 p.m. Michael Kors: "If a buyer tells Kenley, 'I don't like that sleeve,' what's she going to do? Take a knife and kill them?"

I wouldn't be surprised. That girl has issues.

9:53 p.m. During the commercial, Ramona gives me a rundown of how previous Project Runways did the final episodes. I tune her out.

9:57 p.m. Jerell wins. Jerell cries. Jerell goes off to play with apples.

9:57 p.m. Everybody will make collections for Fashion Week. No one loses. To all you Kenley haters out there: She remains a New York cockroach.

9:58 p.m. Group hug. Sans Kenley. Feel the love and the tension. Like a bad relationship.

Final thoughts:

So following the show, Ramona had to spend 15 minutes explaining to me three things: 1) What collections were. 2) What Fashion Week was. And 3) The fact that this last challenge was essentially pointless because Jerell got nothing for winning and no one got eliminated.

So essentially, I just wasted an hour of my life. While baseball playoffs are on.

Thanks.

You're all "tulles."

"Tulles."

:-)

My Readers Speak Among Themselves: The weekly Project Run(A)Way Hater Mailbag

2008-09-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

You know what's funny? My readers are developing a kinship with one another. After the last episode, y'all left comments speaking to each other more than me. It's like I'm not even here. I've developed a sort of "gatekeeper" role. :-)

Observe:

Another Suburban Mom writes:

How awesome would it be to have a challenge be designing for Dolly Parton with Dolly as the judge, and watching the designers scramble to design for boobies on a boobieless model.

Also, I don't care who you are, or how cool and cutting edge you think you are, Dolly Parton makes you smile.

To which Kristi responded:

Suburban Mom - You are a genius. A Dolly Parton Challenge would be fabulous!

Did anyone else have that song lyric "momma said knock you out..i'm goona knock you out" playing in their heads as Kenley ARGUED with LL?

To which Ramona replied:

I agree kristi, I can't wait for next week's episode. Those clips of everyone crying looked sooo juicy. Sounds like kenley's got a persecution complex going on, which is pretty fun when you consider Korto escaped from a civil war in Liberia as a child and got political asylum. Love that irony :)

To which gay.after.a.few said:

Mad props to Ramona for not encouraging your bad jokes.

Y'all should start a club. The "Talk About Nev's Project Run(A)Way Blog" coolness gang.

Make yourselves team jackets.

Episode 11: Designers Designing For Designers, And Refusing To Buckle Under The 'Hate Kenley' Pressure: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-09-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since the last episode and I'm still getting comments (both written and verbal) displaying intense hatred for Kenley. Yes, she's strange. Yes, her clothes are Disney/acid trip-ish. Yes, she thinks she walks on water. But damn, it's like y'all are marines and she's Osama. Get some perspective, for crying out loud.

That said, far it be from me not to listen to the people. You all have risen as one voice and declared, "BASH KENLEY!!" As a result, this week there's only thing to do:

Praise Kenley at every opportunity.

:-)

For this week's episode, every time I speak about Kenley, I'm going to be full of glowing praise. Her crappy clothes will be declared colorful. Her snide remarks about her fellow designers will be deemed quirky. Her weird-shaped boobs will be looked upon as naturally refreshing.

Why?

It gives me something to do.

:-)

With that said, the show is on:

9:01 p.m. Suede's wearing a hat. It makes him look like one of those weird guys you see at the park, trying to lure small children into his car with sweets.

9:02 p.m. Heidi's in a long skirt.

:-(

9:02 p.m. Kenley picks Topacio!!! Hell, this isn't even false praise. Kenley is awesome awesome awesome!! Topacio survives!!

Topacio.

9:03 p.m. Leanne takes Suede's model. And personally, I like that viciousness. Next thing she should do is kick Suede in the nuts. Then steal his hat.

Just throwing out ideas.

9:04 p.m. The designers have to design for each other. Suede designs for Jerell ("Suede's OK with this," says Suede). Kenley's designing for Leanne (Leanne is going to look hotter than ever before because Kenley's designs are awesome!!). Korto for Suede (how will Suede look in neon yellow?). Jerell for Kenley (I sense a psycho hat in Kenley's future). And Leanne for Korto (if Leanne was really vicious, she'd insist that Korto cut her hair).

9:06 p.m. The designers have to design based on a musical genre. Kenley thinks pop is cheesy.

She's so perceptive.

9:07 p.m. Korto's design is country. Leanne's is hip-hop. Just ask them to cure cancer while you're at it.

9:08 p.m. Leanne raps like all white people rap. Badly. Seriously, that was painful. Word.

9:09 p.m. Jerell is going to make Kenley into Kenley Spears. Kenley can totally pull off Kenley Spears. Kenley is so multi-faceted.

9:10 p.m. OK, so the camera just focused on Korto's ass in jeans, and it's hideous. Here's my "girl's ass in jeans" theory: If a girl's ass don't look good in jeans, dump her. Dump her hard, dump her fast, dump her twice if necessary. Why? Because if her ass don't look good in jeans, her ass don't look good out of those jeans.

You feel me?

9:12 p.m. Pants ain't Kenley's thing. It's OK, Kenley. Pants ain't easy. It requires holes for two legs.

9:16 p.m. Jerell: "Can I get a 'Hip Hip Jerell?'"

No.

9:17 p.m. Kenley is worried that Jerell thinks she has a better body than she really does. Kenley shouldn't worry. Her body is smokin'. She's just insecure.

9:17 p.m. Korto, don't bring Jesus into this. Christ, He has enough on his plate without having to worry about your fat ass.

9:19 p.m. Kenley's boobs look so...naturally refreshing.

(Christ, this "Praise Kenley" thing is difficult.)

9:20 p.m. Does Jerell's design need more?

Tim: "Only if it's the right more."

What does that even mean? I hate soliloquies.

9:22 p.m. Tim: "How's Suede?"

Great Tim. Encourage him.

9:22 p.m. Tim needs to leave Kenley alone. If she says hip-hop isn't oversized, then it isn't oversized. Plus, I'm not into Tim's comments about her "sarcasm and facetiousness." He's just threatened because a woman dares to speak her mind.

(How was that? Was I convincing?)

9:28 p.m. Korto: "So Kenley is a hip-hop designer."

(pause)

"Yeah."

Best to say no more.

9:30 p.m. Kenley seriously looks like a different person without makeup. I'm not saying this in a good or bad way. I'm just pointing out that I honestly didn't recognize her sans Loreal.

9:31 p.m. Korto says the words "butt naked." And despite my better judgment, that image tried to force its way into my head.

I got lucky, though. Her ass wouldn't fit into my thoughts.

9:31 p.m. Jerell points out that Korto has junk in the trunk.

Off camera, he ran like hell. Hence the theory.

9:33 p.m. I am racking my brain trying to come up with a clever way to say all the designers look like total idiots in their hair and makeup, but nothing comes to mind. The best thing I can come up with is "circus people."

9:33 p.m. I just read that last part to my fiancee. Her response:

"Huh."

Not even a pity laugh. I didn't think it was that bad.

9:40 p.m. The last few episodes, Heidi has been doing this "not great in the first outfit but totally smokin' in the second outfit" thing. At least she's ending strong.

9:40 p.m. LL Cool J is a guest judge and he's straight. He's officially been named the coolest guest judge of the season.

9:40 p.m. OK, I'm just gonna say it (political correctness be damned): Korto looks like a black person trying to pretend she's country. And she's failing. And she knows it.

It's tough trying to be someone you're not. Ask Closet Gay Joe.

9:41 p.m. I gotta say: Kenley is smokin' in Jerell's outfit. To any straight men reading this: Tell me you did not just say "Whoa."

9:41 p.m. Watching Leanne walk down the aisle and trying to act gangsta was like listening to her rap: Painful.

Word.

9:41 p.m. I didn't think it was possible for Suede to look scarier than he did. But give Korto credit: She achieved the impossible.

9:41 p.m. Jerell looks like a cross-dresser. And later, a judge will say that Jerell looks like Jerell.

Hmm.

9:45 p.m. I can't remember a word LL Cool J says, and honestly, I'm too lazy to rewind. But you know what? He sounds like he knows what he's talking about. That's a straight man quality, people.

9:46 p.m. Heidi hates Kenley's pants. But pants are hard, people. You need holes for two legs!!

9:48 p.m. LL to Korto: "If I saw you on an elevator and I didn't see your boots, I'm not sure if I would know that that's a country outfit."

Now that, people, is feedback for short-attention spans like me: Simple, straight and to the point. LL is awesome. He once played a football star high on cocaine, you know.

9:56 p.m. Korto wins by making Suede look like a psycho. That's like winning at blackjack by being dealt a blackjack. It requires no thought.

9:57 p.m. Kenley survives. As well she should. She has more promise as a designer.

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede's leaving."

Nev: "Nev's happy."

9:59 p.m. Suede has ended his tenure by saying "Suede" five times. Can we seriously get security to lead him off the set?

And kick him in the nuts? And steal his hat?

Final thoughts:

OK, enough with the false Kenley praise. I'm stunned she's still alive. She can't make pants? How hard are pants? They're pants!! It's like making omelettes and not knowing how to add cheese. Jesus, she's a moron. Plus, she's giving Tim attitude? Why don't I just pour milk over my boss' head and say, "Stop telling me how to do my job. And then give me a promotion."

Pouring milk might be smarter.

As for Suede: If Kenley doesn't go, then he's the obvious choice. That third-person nonsense was getting really old (it was hardly worth writing about toward the end) and...he's just weird. He's like one of those guys who sit in the middle of the living room floor naked and eating brownies. You have no idea what's going on inside his head, and it's scary.

Great, now I have Suede eating brownies naked stuck in my head. That combined with Korto's "butt naked" comment would kill lesser men.

Until next time.

Kenley Haters Everywhere: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

2008-09-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

OK, first the shameless plugs. Go to http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/ to read about how a hopeless romantic (me) proposes marriage to his longtime girlfriend. Check it out. You'll learn something. :-)

Also, I do a weekly podcast called "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," which can be found at http://www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com/. Now you don't just get to read about what I have to say on stupid topics. You can hear me too. (!)

A lot of you HATED Kenley after the last episode. Maybe it was jealousy over the fact that her "before" picture wasn't half bad, I don't know. I rip on her, as we all know, but readers showed a downright loathing for "Bitch of Daniel."

Another Suburban Mom writes:

I hate Kenley. I just want to gag her with some leftover fabric, rip that stupid flower out of her hair and shove it up her butt. I wish she would leave my tv.

Geez ASM, tell us how you really feel. If you come across Kenley in a dark alley, I will fear for her life. LOL

Kristi writes:

I used to love Kenley, but the last few episodes have made me want to stick something sharp in her eye!

I advise a knife. Simple, sharp, effective, cheap. And it likely won't break on impact.

Stephanie writes:

Dude, words cannot describe my loathing for Kenley at this point. I can't believe none of the judges confronted her about giggling on the runway when someone else's work was being critiqued. What, is she twelve? She can't control herself? How rude.

In Kenley's defense, I was downright in hysterics when I saw some of the crap that was walking down the runway. Sometimes, it's just too hard to keep a straight face. Especially seeing Joe's fat model.

And speaking of Joe's fat model, Steph also added:

Joe's poor model was not fat, he just dressed her in exceptionally unflattering clothing.

I agree about the clothes. Joe needed to find something better for fat model Laura to wear. Perhaps a tarp?

And finally, on a completely different note, gay.after.a.few writes:

Do you know how many bacteria live in jacuzzi's? You're probably like a hetero-petri dish at this point.

In my defense, it was to win a bet.

I won $5.

And respect.

Episode 10: Ugly Mothers, Their Not-So-Hot Daughters And More Closet Gay Jokes Than Usual: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-09-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing I'm in the minority when I say that I was bummed to hear Jennifer Lopez would not be the celebrity judge on the season finale of Project Runway. She'd of been a hell of a lot hotter than the other female celebrity judges we've seen this season.

Plus, I loved her in "Selena."

It's my guilty pleasure.

With that said, Episode 10:

9:01 p.m. Suede's got the "I'm an artist and don't care what you think" shades going on. Not workin' for me, Whackadoodle.

9:01 p.m. Good Lord, can Heidi's dress get any shorter?

Please say yes.

9:02 p.m. OK, this is something called the "Mom Challenge." But they're not designing for them. They're designing for (wait for it) their daughters.

OH. MY. GOD!!!

(yes, I'm being sarcastic)

9:03 p.m. Mom Nancy looks like something out of Nightmare on Elm Street.

9:04 p.m. You know what sucks? These daughters are young 20-something women and most of them aren't cute. It's like...a waste.

9:05 p.m. Joe makes a good point: If the mom likes something, the daughter will hate it.

A straight guy wouldn't be that perceptive.

Just sayin'.

9:06 p.m. Freddy Kruger Nancy likes trendy. I bet she's thinking stripes.

9:07 p.m. OK, Leanne's "model" Holly is kind of cute, and she's going to be an elementary school teacher. That makes her hotter. Ask any straight guy.

9:08 p.m. Yikes!! Avital's mom ain't much of a looker, either. If Nancy is Freddy Kruger, Mom of Avital is the glove.

9:10 p.m. Suede: "Oh my God! Suede found a poochie-esque print in purple!"

It's good to have goals.

9:11 p.m. Leanne's photo of her when she was younger looks like a mousy girl who hasn't yet found her femininity.

Much like Leanne now.

9:12 p.m. Joe's early photo: Totally gay!! C'mon, people. He's even got the subconscious "putting my finger on my chin" gay pose going on.

9:12 p.m. Kenley's "before" photo isn't half bad. What happened?

9:17 p.m. I'm really not into this whole "let me tell you what my first job was" thing. Do you care that my first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog? Would you like me to mention it every five minutes for the remainder of this blog?

9:18 p.m. Laura (Joe's "model") doesn't like pin stripes. Laura (Joe's "model") is fat. Laura (Joe's "model") thinks she may have to get over it. Laura (Joe's "model") is right.

9:19 p.m. Is Nancy a tranny? I mean, it's OK if she is. Whatever works for you. But Christ...

9:21 p.m. Joe is making a 1980s pocket square business suit.

I have no idea what that is, but it sounds closet gay, doesn't it?

Sorry guys, but with Blayne, Stella and Terri gone, Joe becomes my main whipping boy.

9:22 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

Annoying, isn't it?

9:26 p.m. Did Laura get fatter? I think she made a Big Mac run or two in-between fittings.

9:26 p.m. Avital loves Suede's dress. And why shouldn't she? It's a poochie-esque print in purple.

9:26 p.m. Suede: "Bonus!!"

Do shut up, Suede. And chop off your thumbs.

9:27 p.m. I got no clue who this special guest is, but she's Asian and she's cute (bad teeth aside). All straight guys have a thing for Asian women. Write that down.

9:27 p.m. The winning look is going in Elle magazine.

I don't read Elle.

You're stunned, I know.

9:30 p.m. If Tim said "Nevin, talk to me," I honestly wouldn't know what to say.

9:30 p.m. Kenley says that Tim doesn't understand her as a designer. And really, what man truly understands Kenley?

9:31 p.m. Korto's daughter is already starting to grow Mommy's hair. It's cute, in a scary sort of way.

9:32 p.m. Joe didn't even want to talk to his wife.

Add that to the list.

9:33 p.m. Kenley says Suede is a poser.

Living proof that even the dumb ones say something smart every now and again.

9:33 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

:-)

9:35 p.m. Jerell thinks Suede's design is so 1992.

I liked 1992. Me and my friends wore Cross Colors.

Christ, I'm old.

9:41 p.m. You know what's funny about Laura? She's ugly, but I can name about a dozen straight guys right off the top of my head who would do her as either a "rebound" lay or an "I've been out of practice and want to keep my skills sharp" bang.

9:42 p.m. Jerell's hat sense has hit a new low. Where do you get something like that? Target?

9:42 p.m. I like Suede's poochie-purple thing. Makes me want to say "Bonus!!" and chop off his thumbs.

And I mean that as a compliment.

9:43 p.m. I must be tired. I just now noticed Heidi's one-bare-shoulder look. Forgive me, it's been a long day.

9:44 p.m. Did Kenley try to make a twin?

9:44 p.m. Heidi: "You found a little mini me!!"

Beautiful people like me and Heidi think alike.

9:45 p.m. Laura is gaining weight before my eyes. Is it my TV?

9:45 p.m. You know what's wrong with Joe's design? He's gay, but he's not ready to admit it. So he tried to keep his design conservative to hide his true self.

Plus, his model is fat.

9:46 p.m. Dude, Holly's male students are going to have wet dreams early. Lucky bastards. My female elementary school teachers were no younger than 86.

9:48 p.m. My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

I also used to sometimes dunk my head in the jacuzzis. When no one was around.

9:56 p.m. Jerell wins. Makers of feather hats rejoice.

9:57 p.m. Joe's out. The run of closet gay jokes is over.

9:57 p.m. One last Joe "closet gay" dig: When he kissed Heidi, he didn't look like he enjoyed it.

The defense rests.

Final thoughts:

Losing Joe is tough, as that's the fourth whipping boy of mine that's fallen in the last three weeks. Still, it's hard to disagree with the decision. His outfit was stupid, his model was fat and everyone else's design was simply better.

I have to think that this competition will come down to Jerell and Korto. You know why? Because they're both secure in themselves. Jerell wears dumb hats during judging and is still around, and Korto has that "I don't give a damn what the hell you think" vibe.

As for the rest: Leanne doesn't think she's pretty, Kenley's surly attitude is overcompensating for her lack of perky boobs, and Suede...has issues.

And finally:

My first job was working in a spa store washing spare parts and babysitting my boss' dog.

Just in case you forgot.

:-)

Until next time.

Mail's Here!! It's The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag

2008-09-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

First, to maintain good karma, let me start by shamelessly plugging my other blog site, www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/, where this week I write about shopping for an engagement ring (it wasn't fun).

And now, let's get to the letters:

Gay.After.A.Few writes:

9:15 p.m. . . . "If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry." If? (Closet gay. That's all I'm saying.)

OK, this is the latest in a series of recent comments questioning whether I'm a closet gay. Let me be clear: I am not a closet gay. If I was gay, I wouldn't be in the closet about it. I live in Los Angeles, where gayness is flaunted. In fact, as a straight guy, I'm in the minority in some areas around here.

And staying on the "Is Nev a closet gay" line of questioning, my friend Stephanie writes:

Nev, I think your love of Jerry actually solidifies your heterosexuality. Jerry is the wussiest gay whose ever been on the show. He might as well be a woman. An annoying one at that.

And let me add: He obviously spends a ton of time styling his hair. Definitely a wuss.

He's still my favorite, though. He wears normal shirts (usually).

Speaking of Jerry's hair, my beautiful fiancee Ramona writes:

Guys have bad taste in men. Jerry? Seriously? His hair is enough to make me run away. Maybe that weird comb-over thing he's got going on in the front distracted the judges into voting Terri off. She's been one of the two or three top designers this whole season and that should've counted for something. Plus, her dress really wasn't that bad.

Relationships, people, are all about compromise. The compromise here: We agree that Jerry's hair sucks and Terri the crack whore is gone. You give a little, you get a little.

Switching topics, loyal reader Another Suburban Mom talked about Avant Garde:

I don't understand 'Avant Guarde' either, and I am a chick.

Glad that "Avant Garde" confusions crosses both genders.

And finally, Orion writes:

9:55pm Jerell wins:"Oh me oh my!"You forgot the "well who woulda thunk it?"I'm gay and I don't even condone that reaction.

Nor do I, Orion. In fact, he could've balled his eyes out like he does whenever someone gets elimimated, and that would've been a more acceptable reaction than "me-my" and "thunk."

I mean Jesus, Jerell, pretend to be a man. You're not appealing to either straights or gays. And you know what that makes you?

Lonely.

Episode 9: Learning All About Avant Garde, The Terri-Keith Battle, And Kenley's Ode To Disney On Steroids: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-09-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks about writing this blog now? Project Runway is taking time away from shows I actually like. Entourage. 90210. And Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. All three shows are entertaining, feature hot women on a regular basis, and don't have anyone with blue mohawks referring to themselves in the third person.

Three great shows. All of which are sitting in my DVR queue so I can blog about this crap.

For you.

View my sacrifice here.

I hope you appreciate it.

And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Nothing like starting the show by watching Terri dance in her PJs and Blayne and Suede lying in bed. That'll get the creative juices flowin'.

9:02 p.m. Heidi comes out in a hot, sleek black dress, but my fiancee Ramona is watching with me this week.

I'm afraid to say anything more.

9:03 p.m. All the eliminated designers return!! Even Jerry, my Episode 1 favorite!!

9:03 p.m. Daniel winks at Kenley. Feel the sexual tension.

9:04 p.m. Reason # 653,457,391 why I hate this show:

Me: What's avant garde mean?

Ramona: It means cutting edge.

Me: Then why don't they just say cutting edge?

Ramona: Because avant garde is the fashion term. It's trendy.

Jesus.

9:04 p.m. Designing something based on an astrological sign? And I thought making something out of seat belts was dumb.

9:04 p.m. Korto with Kelli (lot of ass in that duo). Kenley with Wesley (scary). Joe with Daniel (closet gay with Kenley's bitch). Leanne with Emily (who's Emily?). Blayne with Stella (what would their kids look like?). Terri with Keith (same question). Jerell with Jennifer (ugly kids). And Suede with JERRY!!! (I still like Jerry. He looks normal).

9:08 p.m. It's so weird watching Stella and Blayne together. It's like watching The Nightmare Before Christmas meet Disney On Ice.

9:08 p.m. Proof that Wesley is gay:

Kenley: "He takes direction really well."

Wesley listens. Definitely not a straight man quality.

9:10 p.m. Suede spoke three consecutive normal sentences. It must be Jerry's influence.

9:10 p.m. Keith to Terri: "Just be gentle with me."

He speaks for all of us.

9:15 p.m. Prediction: Daniel will be Joe's first. I just have a feeling.

9:15 p.m. I like Jerry's definition of avant garde better than Ramona's. If I were gay, I'd marry Jerry.

9:16 p.m. Who's Emily? I swear to you, I don't remember her.

9:17 p.m. Tell me you were also disturbed to hear Blayne say "strapping you down" and Tim say "Do it to it" in the same sequence.

9:17 p.m. Tim hates what Jerell is doing. Yet he's intrigued.

Tim's a complex man.

9:18 p.m. Ramona predicted that Kenley would get knocked out this week and her "good witch of the North" outfit shows that she may be right. Jesus, there are shoulder pads and then there are shoulder pads.

9:19 p.m. I wish Keith and Terri would just slug it out. And you know what? Tim does too. Believe me, we'd both pay to see that brawl.

9:20 p.m. Keith calls Terri a nightmare. As does any man who wakes up to her.

9:21 p.m. Yes!!! Two designers will be eliminated this week. I advocate anything that shortens the season.

9:21 p.m. Suede: "*%$# me."

No.

Hell no.

NO!!!!

9:22 p.m. Jerry is wearing an ugly hat and really gay shorts, and I still think he's cool.

9:23 p.m. Every time I see Keith and Terri, I hear the "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" junior high hallway chant in my head.

9:24 p.m. Kenley thinks her design is the only one that looks avant garde. That's a fashion term. I'm so trendy.

9:29 p.m. Former Project Runway designers will pick the winner. Watching the groups interact reminds me of two women who hate each other all through high school but act like they're best friends when they run into each other at the reunion.

9:30 p.m. Heidi and Kenley compare boobs. And you know what? That's hot.

9:31 p.m. Keith says Terri won't even talk to him. Dude, consider yourself lucky.

9:32 p.m. The former PR designer who spoke to Joe about fire and strength is butt ugly. She makes Stella look like Heidi.

9:32 p.m. OK, that's too far. She makes Stella look like Kelli.

9:32 p.m. OK, still too far. She makes Stella look like Kenley.

9:33 p.m. Ramona: Oh my God!! Christian didn't say "fierce."

Me: Who?

Ramona: Christian. The designer they just showed. He won last year. That was his phrase.

Me: Fierce?

Ramona: Fierce. It was his catchphrase.

Me: I see.

Ramona: He said it all the time.

Me: Gotcha.

Ramona: Every five seconds.

Me: Christ, I get it!!

(pause)

Ramona: I can't believe he didn't say fierce!!

Hate. This. Show.

9:34 p.m. Stella with the hammer. Tim is concerned. Me? I find it rather comforting. Like an old shirt.

9:35 p.m. Kenley's dress gives me the urge to sing "It's A Small World."

9:35 p.m. Tim wakes up Keith. I'd of left him on the couch and let him stammer in halfway through the judging, disheveled and unsure.

9:40 p.m. Heidi goes shoulderless.

The fiancee is near. I will say no more.

9:41 p.m. Kenley's dress. What. The.

9:42 p.m. Topacio looks like something out of "The Lion King" on Broadway. No, that's not a compliment.

Still...

Topacio.

9:43 p.m. Leanne thinks her design is so avant garde. That's a fashion term. Feel my trendiness.

9:43 p.m. Ramona: Rewind!! Rewind!!

Me: What?

Ramona: Suede's hair is not spiked!!!

Next week, I'm going back to watching this solo.

9:44 p.m. I have christened the Korto-Kelli duo: "Arms And Ass." I just come up with this stuff, don't ask me how I do it.

9:46 p.m. Keith and Terri are like an angry couple. Without the sex.

In this case, that's a good thing.

9:47 p.m. How can Kenley's model stand?

9:47 p.m. Michael Kors has seen clothes like Kenley's. Michael Kors and I shop in different stores.

9:48 p.m. Good old Jerry. Suede's taking a beating and he's feeling his pain. That's a partner.

9:49 p.m. Have to agree with the judges that Kenley gets defensive. You should've heard her when Daniel told her, "Your boobs just aren't as good as Heidi's."

9:50 p.m. Did Michael Kors just now notice that Suede refers to himself in the third person? Has he been tuning out for the last two months?

9:55 p.m. Jerell wins.

"Oh me oh my!!"

I could've lived without hearing a grown man say that.

9:56 p.m. Kenley's in. That will shut her up for five seconds.

9:57 p.m. Blayne's out. He and Stella are baffled. Not that that's hard.

9:57 p.m. TERRI'S OUT!!! YES!!! The moral here: Don't. Do. Drugs.

Final thoughts:

I'm glad Terri's gone. She's ugly.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Until next time.

Ramona: Wait wait!! You didn't say anything about Blayne.

That's right.

Bye Blayne.

(waves)

It's Official: The Weekly Project Run(A)Way Mailbag!!!

2008-09-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

Since I've gotten so much positive response from making references to readers' comments, I've decided to make it a weekly thing. Also a weekly thing: The shameless promotion of my other blog!! My longtime girlfriend Ramona is now my fiancee. :-) Go to nevdogg.blogspot.com and read about me trying to figure out her ring size.

And now, let's see what some readers have to say:

Longtime reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I am bereft over Stella's aufing. She was the most consistently entertaining person on the show, and she remained true to herself in the end and had a classy exit.

Have to agree with you there, ASM. And yes, you have cute boobs. Happy now? My fiancee will be reading this and treating me to an indeterminable period of stony silence.

Texas cutie Kristi writes:

I'm surprised I feel this way, but I'm going to miss her (Stella) too. I agree with suburban mom. I like the way she left. I'm sad there will be no more stories about Ratbones.

Ah, Ratbones. We hardly knew ye. That seriously was my favorite Stella moment, with her banging a hammer a close second.

Switching topics away from Stella, Jessie writes:

Yes, models take off their clothes in front of rooms full of people. They weigh four pounds, what do they care?

I am now, as of this moment, looking for jobs where female models are aplenty.

Commenting on the fact that I've never seen the movie "A Foreign Affair," my good friend Stephanie writes:

Nev, if you're not careful, I'm going to have to make a mandatory movie list for you.

This coming from the NYU film student who has yet to see "The Godfather." Bet you thought I forgot that, huh Steph? :-)

And finally, an anonymous reader writes:

Fuck you, Nev. I'm straight & I read your blog. I'd probably do you after a few drinks, though ...

Thanks, I think you're nice too. Don't forget to tell all your other "I'm straight but I become gay after a few alcoholic concoctions" friends about my blog.

Episode 8: A Fashion Legend I Never Heard Of And A Movie I Never Heard Of. Won't This Be Fun: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-09-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

My oldest friend's brother's wife (try saying that three times fast) recently presented her animated short film, The Dollhouse, at a film festival in San Francisco. The film, made by Tara Beyhm, is about a girl who becomes obsessed with a dollhouse her rich classmate received as a gift. You can view the 10-minute film here.

What this has to with Project Runway, I don't know. But the way I see it, this is a film about a dollhouse that I'm mentioning on a blog that's read by straight women and gay men.

Straight women.

Gay men.

Dollhouse.

Surely you can find some parallels.

Did I mention the obsessed girl's dad looks like Closet Gay Joe?

:-)

And with that, Episode 8:

9:01 p.m. Korto's hair looks exactly the same whether she first wakes up, is out on the town or (I'm guessing) gets it wet.

9:01 p.m. Can't make fun of Stella for not knowing how many tablespoons of coffee to put into the coffee maker. Christ, I can't even make instant. So we'll just make fun of the fact that she looks like Skeletor when only wearing a bra.

9:01 p.m. Speaking of Stella:

"I almost %$#*$ my pants."

Now that's an image I didn't need.

9:01 p.m. Now come on. You know Terri was doing lines the night before. Jesus, the woman is swaying as she walks. These are warning signs, people. Pretty soon, we're going to see the junkie itch.

9:02 p.m. I'm not huge on Heidi's outfit. No skin showing. Plus, her sparkling top reminds me of Robin Wright-Penn during her disco scenes in the movie "Forrest Gump." I hate disco. It's like the music industry's cruel joke.

9:03 p.m. The designers are going to be designing for a fashion legend. Blayne thinks it's Mary Kate Olsen. I'm thinking no.

9:04 p.m. Blayne: "I want to marry Mary Kate."

Of course.

9:04 p.m. Blayne again: "Who doesn't?"

Straight guys. And butchy lesbians.

9:05 p.m. Did you see the huge grin on Joe's face in the seconds before he meets this "fashion legend"? The dude doesn't smile nearly as brightly when Heidi Klum walks in the room. Yet some of you still insist he's straight. The evidence is right in front of you, people!!

9:05 p.m. OK, this will no doubt shock some of you, but I don't have the first damn clue who Diane von Furstenburg is. Does she make sweat pants for the big and tall?

9:05 p.m. Kenley hasn't cried that much since she finally had enough cleavage to buy a bra.

9:06 p.m. Damn it, everyone's gushing over this woman. I have to do some research.

Me to my better half Ramona:

"Babe, who's Diane von Furstenburg?"

Ramona:

"She's a famous designer."

Glad we cleared that up.

9:06 p.m. Oh Jesus, shoot me now. Design something based on the movie "A Foreign Affair?" Does it stun you to hear that I've never seen the movie? Do films made pre-1960 really count as films? Ponder that.

9:06 p.m. Can't we design something from, like, Rambo? I just wish someone would think of me once in a while.

9:07 p.m. Diane the Legend I never heard of is talking, and everyone is hanging on her every word. She said the word "the" and Jerell is shaking his head yes like he's listening to Dr. King.

9:07 p.m. Joe's heard of Diane.

You know where I'm going with this.

9:07 p.m. Tim: "Diane's our guest judge."

Yay.

9:08 p.m. Kenley's crying again. She loves Diane the Legend I never heard of's prints. Either that, or Daniel put her in a family way and she's a little emotional.

9:10 p.m. Jerell informs Kenley the crying machine that while she's only making a dress, he's making a dress, a jacket and a skirt.

Rerrrrrr!!

9:11 p.m. Suede just referred to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:12 p.m. Gotta defend Terri here for probably the first time this season. Blayne and Joe rag on her "one trick pony" show, but the fact is: She's never on the chopping block. Blayne and Joe are just getting defensive. It's what men (in this case, Blayne is close enough) do when they feel threatened by the opposite sex.

9:13 p.m. In the "coming up" scenes, Kenley cries. Can't wait.

9:18 p.m. Jerell describes the plot of "A Foreign Affair." I tune out.

9:20 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:20 p.m. Does watching Leanne talk about her secret desires to be a spy and an animal make you think that in about five years, she's gonna snap and go on a killing spree? Seriously, I got a chill.

9:22 p.m. Suede refers to himself as Suede and I don't care.

9:23 p.m. Tim to Leanne: "You have thinking to do."

You said a mouthful, brotha.

9:24 p.m. Tim hates Korto's yellow as a bra strap but loves it under the skirt. There's meaning somewhere in there.

9:24 p.m. OK, Stella just totally cracked me up here. According to her, the judges are clueless and it's not necessary to know the details of the movie that Diane the Legend I never heard of is basing her collection on. This is how I would act were I on this show.

9:25 p.m. It's been eight episodes and only know do we have proof that the designers eat. I was wondering why Korto's ass never got smaller.

9:26 p.m. Kenley cries. Moving on.

9:32 p.m. Am I the only one who notices that the models are taking their tops off in front of everybody? Is this a standard industry practice? Should I pretend to be gay and know who Diane the Legend I never heard of is?

9:33 p.m. We see Topacio's belly button.

Topacio.

9:34 p.m. You may disagree, but I happen to love Stella's "my outfit makes my model's boobies pop out" design. It speaks to me.

9:34 p.m. You know how you can tell that Jerell and Blayne are gay? When they high five, they wiggle their fingers. Straight men keep their hands steady during such gestures.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's back to her hot "drool over my body" look. Thank you, Heidi. Way to rebound.

9:40 p.m. Can you not see Diane the Legend I never heard of as a James Bond villain? Just throwing that out there.

9:41 p.m. Jerell's spreading his love of hats to his models. Now that's nice to see.

9:41 p.m. Blayne says that Diane the Legend I never heard of loves his tan. Wouldn't be surprised. She's looking a little withered herself.

9:44 p.m. Joe's design looks bad from the back, says the judges.

Diane the Legend I never heard of: "So don't show your back."

Everyone pretends it's funny.

9:46 p.m. Heidi's not huge on Kenley's efforts, but Diane the Legend I never heard of likes the dress. Heidi looks mad. Not even Seal is allowed to disagree with her in public, my sources inform me.

9:47 pm. Stella's cape is not a 1940s cape, the Legend decrees. We're nitpicking just a smidge, ain't we D?

9:57 p.m. Wow, Diane must be a legend. They let her announce that Leanne won. Lifetime highlights for both.

9:57 p.m. You know what sucks about the bottom two? No matter what, I lose someone I routinely make fun of. Not fair.

9:58 p.m. Stella's out. Back to pimpin' the hoes.

9:58 p.m. Kenley cries. Is there a quota she's supposed to make?

Final thoughts:

What the hell am I supposed to say? I never heard of the legend, I never heard of the movie, and I lost one of my favorite people to ridicule. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm going to miss Stella. Every week, she gave me at least three or four pieces of material. From her leather fetish for classy dresses. to using a hammer to make her clothes, to Ratbones, you just never knew what she was going to throw at you next.

The show just lost its resident psychopath. Never an easy thing to get over.

Until next time.

Connecting With My Readers Over The Models' Lack Of Breasts: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

First, let me begin with another shameless promotion of my other blog site, nevdogg.blogspot.com, where this week I write about three things that always happens when you go to the movies. Tell me if you experience the same.

I was happy to see after last week's episode that I'm finally starting to connect with some of my readers. Apparently, we're all in agreement that the models used on Project Runway could use some breasts.

Personally, I think it would liven things up. That's just my opinion.

Faithful reader Another Suburban Mom writes:

I think the show would be better if they replaced the models with strippers...at least they appear to complete the act of digestion once in a while and they all have boobies.Most women in America have tits and I am getting sick of watching the designers squish them away.

Amen, ASM. Amen. Continue to testify.

Also, longtime reader Jessie offered some thoughts on the subject:

I agree about the boob squishing. It's getting a little out of hand.

And really, it is. Without any boobs to look at, it forces to me to look at the clothes. And really, is that right?

I say no.

After all, (straight) man cannot live on camera shots of Heidi Klum alone.

Episode 7: Keith Starts Crackin', Leanne's Temporary Hotness And Ratbones (Yes, Ratbones): A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Following my post a few days ago about the movie "A Clockwork Orange" and my list of great 1970s movies, I received some interesting feedback from some friends of mine:

Friend # 1:

Dude, what are you talking about? Clockwork Orange rocks!!"

Closet Gay. Boy, you think you know somebody.

Friend # 2:

I can't believe you didn't include "Star Wars" in your list of good 1970s movies.

Admittedly, an oversight on my part. Apologies to George Lucas.

And Friend # 3:

I don't get how Sylvester Stallone is boxing in the first movie and then becomes a Vietnam soldier in the sequel. It's just....oh wait. Those are two different movies? Ohhhh!!

That friend likes Project Runway.

FYI.

And now, on with the show:

9:01 p.m. Keith wants to change the way the world dresses. It better be affordable, that's all I got to say.

9:02 p.m. Heidi in stripes. I think of candy canes.

9:03 p.m. Joe keeps Topacio. For the next five minutes, I won't refer to him as a closet gay.

Topacio.

9:03 p.m. Terri has replaced Stella this week as most hideous person to look at. She looks like the later stages of Whitney Houston during the Bobby Brown era.

9:05 p.m. I see cars. Nev likes cars. Boys play with cars.

9:05 p.m. Blayne: "What are we gonna use a car for?" Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:05 p.m. Chris Webb looks like a skinnier, better-dressed version of that gay guy on Sex and The City.

9:05 p.m. Two things: 1) Stella's black sleeves have once again given her the "top ugly girl" spot. And 2) Why the hell are they forcing them to make an outfit out of car parts? What, seat belts for straps? A bra made out of headlights? Do you get extra points for making the dress more fuel-efficient?

9:06 p.m. Kenley points out that the stuff in the car is stuff that cars are made out of.

You know, now that Daniel is gone, Kenley can't play the "It's OK that I'm stupid, because someone has discovered I have boobies" card."

9:07 p.m. Blayne is getting inspiration from seat belts. Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:07 p.m. Suede has so many whack-a-doodle things that he doesn't know what's he gonna do.

I shiver.

9:08 p.m. Stella's not moving. Stella is taking a stand.

With her ugly sleeves.

9:08 p.m. Leanne has no clue what she's going to do. Like that's unusual.

9:10 p.m. What will Keith do without ruffles? I wonder.

9:10 p.m. Stella is confused and has to let ideas come into her head.

Good luck.

9:10 p.m. In one long monologue, Suede said "whack-a-doodle," referred to himself as Suede, and said "I'm bleedin' it, baby."

God, I hate this show.

9:15 p.m. I'll say this for Stella: I like that hat. That hat works. It's all that hanging out with Jerell. That must be it.

9:16 p.m. I don't mean to insult the dead, but Whack-a-doodle boy has got to stop with all the references to deceased relatives. Last week, it was Grandpa. This week, it was Dad. Next week, it will be Aunt Dottie. The week after, it will be Fido. The week after that, it'll be his aroma-therapist who is "like my little sister. Aroma-therapist person, I love you (blows a kiss to the ceiling)."

9:16 p.m. Is anyone else bored by this episode right now? I mean, no one is saying anything interesting, no one is doing anything interesting, Tim's nowhere to be seen, and we're not gonna see Heidi in anything hot for another 30 minutes. It's a tough time right now.

9:18 p.m. Jerell is "whistlin' Dixie." I'm happy for him.

9:18 p.m. Whoa!! Leanne's dress is hot. And she's wearing makeup this week. She's trying to fill the eye-candy" void since Kelli left. I like that initiative.

9:19 p.m. Terri doesn't want to go back to her old job. Which I'm guessing involves illegal means.

9:20 p.m. Kenley loses her model. Kenley loses her man. Kenley loses her virginity. It's been a busy season for Kenley.

9:26 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Love your face." Somehow, that's something I thought he'd say.

9:26 p.m. Tim likes Jerell's design. Let's all whistle Dixie.

9:29 p.m. Keith says he has to show the judges a refined pallet. Tim says he's got to believe in it. Neither is stating the obvious: KEITH NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING!! All he has on his table are strips of car seat. Aren't you, like, supposed to tie something together by this point in the episode? Now, you all know Keith's my boy so it pains me to write this, but it seems like the lack of ruffles is getting to him.

9:29 p.m. Tim: "Don't lose your trajectory."

I won't.

9:30 p.m. Korto's design looks like a psychedelic strait jacket.

9:30 p.m. Jerell: "Terri has two faces." Ugly and horrifying.

9:30 p.m. Keith swore. Twice. Not good.

9:31 p.m. Stella's boyfriend is named Ratbones.

Wow.

9:32 p.m. It's funny watching Korto brush her hair. Like she's hoping it will actually move.

9:33 p.m. Leanne is back to the hand-me-down look and is no longer hot. Well, we'll always have the memories.

9:34 p.m. How dare Keith's model sit down!! I mean, how dare she!!

9:34 p.m. Ratbones.

Jesus.

9:34 p.m. Leanne stuffs her female model's underwear. Well, that's a first.

9:39 p.m. Heidi's got the wind-swept look working. Beats the bun look any day.

9:40 p.m. The guest judge is a stylist named Rachel Zoe. She's not a has-been actress, speed skater or transvestite. How am I supposed to make fun of her?

9:40 p.m. What's up with Jerell's model's eyebrows? See, this is why you need a straight-guy consultant on this show, to avoid things like this.

9:41 p.m. I really wish Terri would stop dancing every time her model walks down the runway. It's creepy.

9:41 p.m. Leanne's dress is hot. Unlike Leanne.

9:42 p.m. Korto loves her seat belt strait jacket. So do the folks at Arkham Asylum.

9:42 p.m. Did Blayne just say "Blayne-guage?" Am I hearing things? Because even for him, that's a little off.

9:42 p.m. Stella's dress is shown.

Ratbones.

Ratbones, people.

9:43 p.m. I just noticed that Terri is wearing a Yoko Ono shirt. That fits.

9:45 p.m. Michael Kors: "I am never a car wash skirt or dress fan." And really, who is?

9:45 p.m. Heidi wagged her finger. Seal's a lucky, lucky man.

9:46 p.m. The judges like Korto's strait jacket? Is this one of those "I'm looking at a piece of art and I have no idea what the hell it's supposed to be, so I'm just going to pretend that I love it and that it speaks to me so I don't sound stupid" type deals?

9:47 p.m. The judges think Stella's design is random. Much like Ratbones.

9:48 p.m. Keith is mouthing off to the judges. Another favorite of mine is about to bite the dust.

9:56 p.m. Leanne wins. She should celebrate by wearing her dress and some makeup and dancing on a pole.

At least, that's my opinion.

9:57 p.m. The bottom two: Keith and Stella. The Gay Moron vs. Ratbone's bitch. Who will survive?

9:57 p.m. Stella remains. Ratbones cheers.

Final thoughts:

OK, Ratbones? Seriously? Ratbones? How many of you fell out of your chair? My jaw literally hit the floor. Every week, Stella never ceases to amaze me. Whether it's how she looks when she first wakes up in the morning, or watching her use a hammer like she wields it to keep Ratbones in line, Stella keeps me on my toes every episode. She's never boring, I'll give her that.

As for the episode: Although I liked Keith earlier, he started annoying me the last couple of episodes. What happened to the cool guy who lifted heavy weights and took pictures of himself just because? I liked that Keith. But lately, he was replaced by whiny Ruffle boy. He had to go.

Ratbones.

Ratbones!!

I'm seriously at a loss.

(shakes his head)

Until next time.

Straight Guys Don't Watch 'A Clockwork Orange': A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Let me start first by shamelessly promoting my other blog. The Nevin Barich Blog Experience, found at nevdogg.blogspot.com, has a new entry debunking the myths of organic foods. A must read. :-)

I received an interesting comment the other day from an anonymous person following last week's episode of Project Runway:

Dude, I think you were high when you watched this episode. You missed several great parts ... like when Suede went all Clockwork Orange talking about his grandfather sprinkling seeds, and Varla's don't ask, don't tell line. Man up!

To which I accurately responded:

No straight guy has seen A Clockwork Orange.

And that ignited the following reply from my friend Stephanie, a former film student at NYU:

Nev, the Freshman classes of NYU, USC and UCLA film schools just ordered a hit on you. Rent A Clockwork Orange.

To which I will now reply:

No. I will not rent A Clockwork Orange. I'm straight and thus must stay true to my roots. Besides, Orange was made in 1971 and according to the "Straight Guy Code of Ethics," the only good movies from the 1970s were:

The Godfather.

The Godfather, Part II.

Rocky.

Rocky II.

Everything else sucked.

Yes, including Chinatown, which made absolutely no sense.

Furthermore, I wouldn't put it past the NYU or UCLA mob to put a hit on me. That's like them. But USC? No way. They're too drunk to figure out how to load the gun.

Those are my people.

Glad I could clear that up.

:-)

Episode 6: Drag Queens In Drag, Drag Queens Not In Drag, And Celebrity Drag Queen Judges: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-20T10:32:00.001-07:00

My friend Elly and I were talking last week about my Project Runway Hater blog and Elly -- who watched the first season of PR -- summed the show up this way:

It both fascinated me and disgusted me at the same time. Like a multi-car pile-up, with glitter and empty personalities and the smell of cheap wine.

Mostly the glitter.

I'd have gone with mostly cheap wine, but the effect is more or less the same.

And speaking of cheap wine, I'm guessing I'll have to down a bottle or two to get through tonight's episode: Drag Queens (I'm fighting the urge to hurl).

On (reluctantly) with the show:

9:01 p.m. Could you imagine being one of Stella's kids and being woken up by her in the morning when she looks like that? Those kids won't have to be coaxed into going to school. They'll be running out of the door, mark my words.

9:01 p.m. Joe doesn't think Keith should've won the last challenge. "It was raw-cut swatches of chiffon. How innovative."

If that doesn't scream "Closet Gay"...

9:01 p.m. Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that Blayne is wearing a shirt that says "Poolboy"?

9:01 p.m. Heidi in a sleek black top and tight pants. To quote Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman: "God must've been a $*&^%$# genius."

By the way: If you're tired of me remarking on how hot Heidi looks during every episode recap...

...too damn bad.

9:02 p.m. We see the shadow of what we know is going to be a drag queen but what looks like a roided-out walrus, and Suede and I both have the same reaction:

"What the %$#%*& is that?"

9:02 p.m. Hold up a sec: This "guy", Chris March, used to be on the show? And people wonder why I can't take this crap seriously.

9:02 p.m. Don't be blowing kisses at Heidi, Chris!! Jesus, now when I try to imagine Heidi kissing the female models, images of this psycho will invade my thoughts.

9:02 p.m. Drag Queen question: Shouldn't Chris shave the goatee? I mean, doesn't that kind of ruin the mystique?

9:02 p.m. Chris: "In case you haven't guessed yet, your next challenge is about designing an outfit for a drag queen."

Yes Chris, I gathered.

9:02 p.m. Blayne: "Too much drama."

For once, Poolboy and I are in agreement.

9:02 p.m. Terri loves drag queens.

She loaded up this morning.

9:03 p.m. Oh God, a double hideous moment: The drag queens come out and start talking about romance and eating sequins for breakfast, and Terri licks her lips. Man, that was disgusting. I hope children aren't watching.

9:03 p.m. One of the drag queens is known as New York City's big-titted honky soul momma.

That will keep me up nights.

9:04 p.m. Was it really necessary to show the crotch area of one of the queens? I mean, honestly...

9:04 p.m. I like Varla Jean Merman. She looks the most normal, plus she describes herself as a southern Ann Margaret on steroids. I can buy into that. Maybe it's because I'm a sports fan and the juice is an everyday subject, but it makes sense to me.

9:04 p.m. For the second week in a row, Keith makes a comment about a great set of legs. I'm telling you, he's a straight man in a gay mormon's body.

9:05 p.m. Joe picks Varla because by picking the most normal looking one, he's hoping to hide his gayness for one more week.

You can run, Joe, but you can't hide.

9:05 p.m. The big-titted honky soul momma warns Korto that he may rot her teeth. And honestly, I think that's a threat he can back up.

9:05 p.m. Terri picks Acid Betty.

Mmm-hmm.

9:06 p.m. Tim: "Each drag queen has a very particular persona."

Thanks.

9:08 p.m. Blayne pairing with the drag queen who looks like she puts on makeup with a paint roller is a recipe for disaster. You heard it here first.

9:08 p.m. Stella plans to add metal in her outfit. Surprise surprise.

9:08 p.m. Annida Greenkard's hair puts Korto's hair to shame. The cameras aren't showing it, but I know those two are sizing each other up.

9:10 p.m. Korto has a big ass. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

9:11 p.m. A straight man would not be dancing with fake boobies like Joe did just now.

9:11 p.m. Daniel just asked Kenley to take her bra off so he could put it on his mannequin. That's typical of today's men: Showing interest in a girl, ignoring the girl for days, and then paying her attention again when the sap rises.

9:11 p.m. All of this is way out of Korto's comfort zone. Her and me both.

9:12 p.m. Joe is wearing pink.

9:12 p.m. Stella thinks Blayne knows nothing. Stella speaks for all of us.

9:12 p.m. You know what's sad? Blayne is wearing pink fabric in a sort of whacked-out Little Red Riding Hood look, and I'm not even fazed.

9:18 p.m. You know why Jerell's gonna win this challenge? Because he's the only one who hasn't blinked once at this task. Everyone else (except Terri. But she's high.) is like, "Oh my God, I'm making clothes for drag queens!! What do I do?" every other minute, but Jerell is just getting it done.

9:19 p.m. OK, theory on Keith: The whole gay mormon thing is a bunch of B.S. Do you see the way he's pettin' that mannequin? The dude has done this before...with ladies.

I'm not knockin' him for this, mind you. If anything, it makes him my favorite all the more.

9:20 p.m. Tim returns with an old friend.

"Make it work."

Thank you, Tim.

9:20 p.m. Seeing the drag queens without their drag queen wear is almost more disturbing.

Hey, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

9:22 p.m. Stella's drag queen....ewwww!!

9:22 p.m. Dude, I gotta say: Hedda Lettuce is cracking me up.

"Whatever I'm saying is out of love, unconditional and pure. Just get it right."

Sounds like almost everyone of my ex-girlfriends.

9:27 p.m. Chris' hair is fake, right?

9:28 p.m. Tim to Blayne: "It looks like it's a terradactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park."

Is that good or bad here?

9:30 p.m. Daniel loves what Daniel's created. Did you know that Daniel has impeccable taste.

9:30 p.m. Difference between me and Blayne: He tries on Daniel's dress without blinking. If Daniel asked me to do that, he'd be impeccably laid out on the floor.

9:32 p.m. Seeing Keith's drag queen in a bra has created one of those, "I can't look, yet I cannot turn away" moments for me.

9:33 p.m. Hedda Lettuce just wants to let bygones be bygones.

I love spelling Hedda Lettuce. It's fun.

9:34 p.m. Tim asks if we're ready for the most fabulous show in the history of Project Runway.

I gotta admit: I'm not sure.

9:38 p.m. Heidi says hello. I drool.

9:38 p.m. Heidi points out that there are currently 11 designers, and soon there will be 10.

If she was ugly, she'd sound stupid. But since she's hot, she sounds cute.

9:39 p.m. Who the %^$#&$ is Rupaul?

9:39 p.m. Rupaul is really getting into the first drag queen on stage, moving her shoulders like she's watching a stripper.

I will never be the same after this.

9:40 p.m. Blayne's gay Jurassic Park look does scream "drag queen." I'll give him that.

9:40 p.m. Hedda Lettuce walks.

Hedda Lettuce!!

Write it down one time. It will make you smile.

9:41 p.m. To anyone who thinks Terri was sober when she made her outfit, I have some magic beans I want to sell you.

9:42 p.m. Poor Korto's drag queen. He doesn't look good as either a male or female. Must be tough.

9:45 p.m. Must we talk about "candy" during this challenge?

9:46 p.m. Michael Kors is surprised that Jerell's dress looks kind of normal. And you know what else? Jerell is dressed kind of normal, too. No Idi Amin hat. No Robin Hood or medieval ensemble. Spooky.

9:47 p.m. OK, Korto's dress did not give her drag queen a Heidi Klum body. I mean, that is just not true. Is Seal watching? He should complain.

9:48 p.m. Rupaul puts down Daniel to the point where Daniel basically shuts up.

I like Rupaul.

9:55 p.m. The public has voted. They'd rather see Tim in drag than Michael Kors. Michael has those child-bearing hips, but Tim's facial features would "make it work."

9:56 p.m. Joe wins.

Closet gay.

9:56 p.m. OK, I know there's no way Keith is gonna get voted off before Daniel, but still, I needlessly worry.

9:57 p.m. Daniel's out. 'Bout time.

9:57 p.m. You know what's great here? Daniel, a guy who was really starting to annoy me, gets voted out, and Heidi is the one who says it. I actually rewind to hear Heidi say it three or four times. It makes her hotter in my book.

9:58 p.m. Jesus, Keith is taking this hard.

Maybe he is gay.

Final thoughts:

As far as I'm concerned, Daniel's ousting was a week overdue. Other than lusting over Kenley's breasts here and there, did he really bring anything to the table?

But the real story here is this: I survived the drag queen episode. I know many of you had your doubts. It wasn't easy, but I hung tough, went to my happy place when necessary, and dug deep to pull through.

Now if you excuse me:

I'm off to hurl.

My Loyal Readers Help Me Fill In The Gaps: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

So last episode, there were a few times where some of the contestants said words and phrases that flew right over my head (truth be told, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner). Thankfully, some of my loyal readers were there to help in fill in the gaps:

My man Jessie David Ledger, for example, explained that last episode, Terri didn't say that Suede had "the balls of a jj". She said, 'balls or vajayjay', which is the Oprah/Grey's Anatomy word for vagina."

Thank you, Jessie. "Vajayjay" is not something I plan to add to my everyday vocabulary, but it's nice to get some clarification.

Also, loyal reader Namratha explained that Suede wasn't saying "Kel Sarprees" but rather "Quelle Surprise", which is French for "what a surprise." Thank you, Namratha. And to answer your question: No, I was not being sarcastic. I honestly had no clue what Suede was saying; I just figured it was some random designer (or bisexual) term. Besides, the only thing French in my life are fries. I don't even want to learn how to say "nude beaches" in French for fear I'll see hairy female arm pits.

It's just not right.

And finally, thank you to loyal reader RBohemian for reminding me that Keith talked about his struggles being gay while growing up as a Morman in Utah at the beginning of the season (I had admittedly forgotten). This completely explains Keith's love for both ruffles and Brooke Shields' legs.

Both loves may be banned by his church.

We'll look into that.

Episode 5: Hot Professional Women, Perceptions Of Sluttiness, And Other Sexist Remarks: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Before I go into tonight's episode, allow me a few paragraphs to tell you about a kid who -- with your help -- can become the next President of the United States. Or Hugh Hefner.

On June 18, my good friends Elly and Jeremy welcomed a baby boy into the world named Max Orion Treat. Though not even 2 months old, my man Max has already shown himself to be a future raging heterosexual (and thus, by definition, a Project Runway hater.) Apparently, although the kid still isn't quite the age where he can always focus both his eyes on the same object, there's this picture of a hula girl in the living room that little Max is fascinated by. With everything and everyone else, little Max's left and right pupils are all over the place. But with the hula girl, he's locked in, undressing her in his mind and thinking:

"You just wait till I can crawl, sweetheart."

Now the reason I bring all of this up is because Max's parents have entered him into a cutest baby contest, where the winner will receive a $20,000 college scholarship. I ask that you vote for Max to ensure that he undresses hula and other varieties of girls with his eyes in a post-secondary environment. To vote, go here, click on the letter "M" and choose Contestant 40. Then, just enter your e-mail address at the bottom and verify your vote in your Inbox.

Five easy steps. Less than half of an alcohol program. No problem.

So sometime between now and Aug. 17, vote for future Project Runway hater and male heartthrob Max. With your help, his gifted mind will one day go to college and find the cure for cancer.

Or a way to make firmer, longer-lasting breast implants.

Either way, the world's a better place.

With that said, the show is on:

------

9:01 p.m. Keith hits the weights, lifting what I'm guessing is around 200 pounds. Meanwhile, Daniel, who can't understand why the Lakers wear the same jersey, is lifting 15-pound dumbbells. It's little things like these that make Keith my favorite.

9:01 p.m. Blayne says, "Team (Something) licious." I can't understand if it's drama or drumma. One other thing I'm not understanding: His blinding yellow hoodie. Listen, I wear $5 sandals from Payless that didn't even come in a box -- they were hanging on a rack -- and even I know a fashion faux pas when I see one.

9:01 p.m. You know what? I've accepted Heidi in a bun. She can be my librarian any day.

9:02 p.m. People keep asking me to mention Heidi Klum saying "Auf Wiedersehen" and how annoying it is. Here's the thing: I don't find it annoying at all. In fact, I didn't even notice it until someone pointed it out to me following Episode 3. In fact, every time she says it, it involves her kissing a model so it's actually something I've come to look forward to. It adds to my new librarian fantasy.

9:02 p.m. The designers will be designing for a high-powered, glamourous professional woman. Blayne's hoping it's not Hillary Clinton.

I really wouldn't worry too much.

9:03 p.m. Stella hopes the professional woman is Sharon Osborne. Really, I'm stunned.

9:03 p.m. Brooke Shields? What has she done in her life besides "Suddenly Susan" and Andre Agassi?

9:04 p.m. Watching Suede say "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins" was like watching a gay male friend of mine once stick his tongue in between two cherries. So very, very wrong.

9:04 p.m. Brooke's excited to be here. Of course she is. She now has a job.

9:04 p.m. So Brooke is on that "Lipstick Jungle" show. A quick Internet search has me come across some rather hot-looking photos of the main cast (Brooke included). I then come to find out that the characters are three of New York's most powerful women, which somehow makes them appear even hotter to me.

Is that sexist?

9:05 p.m. Designers in teams of two? You know what? I want to see Jerell matched up with Joe. If anyone can get Joe out of the closet...

9:06 p.m. Terri's design involves pants. Brooke loves pants.

I love the color blue.

9:07 p.m. I honestly can't figure out whether Keith is gay. Reasons to think he's gay: He's a boutique owner and he's into ruffles. Reasons to think he's straight: He lifts weights in camalflauge shorts and he loves Brooke Shields' legs.

It's really a toss-up.

9:07 p.m. Stella's design involves a corset. Brooke reminds her that a woman still needs to go to work in this. Stella looks confused.

Remember Brooke: Stella works with hookers and pimps. In her world, a corset means you're on the job.

9:08 p.m. Did Korto's hair get bigger? Seriously, that thing has grown two inches from last episode.

9:08 p.m. Joe has come up with a tuxedo-type shirt.

Closet gay.

9:08 p.m. Jerell, on the other hand, is comfortable with his sexual preference. You see the way he sings and bounces? Joe, look how happy he is.

9:10 p.m. Brooke is a little scared of Blayne. You said a mouthful, sister.

9:15 p.m. Keith picks Kenley to be on his team and says if she can keep her mouth shut and stick to sewing, they'll be fine.

He sounded straight there.

9:15 p.m. Ah man, Korto's hair picked Joe. Joe's never gonna announce, "OK fine, I'm gay!! Happy?" with her as a partner.

9:15 p.m. Stella gets picked last despite her obvious charm, wit and willingness to use bright colors.

9:16 p.m. Keith hates Kenley's fabric choices. Tim hates Kenley's fabric choices. Kenley will either put her foot down and demand her way, or say nothing, let it fester and blow up later at the worst possible time.

I'm guessing the latter.

9:17 p.m. Daniel's not a fan of leopard, black and lace. In short, everything partner Kelli is currently wearing.

Yeah, this pairing will work out just fine.

9:17 p.m. Tim underscores what an opportunity it is for the winner to have their design be worn on Lipstick Jungle. I, too, would be motivated if something I created was worn by a powerful, professional woman who made me want to make wild animal noises.

Is that sexist?

9:19 p.m. I have never seen Suede look this scared. He looks like he just saw the neighborhood bully come around the corner. Even Terri notices. She thinks he has "balls of a JJ." I got no clue what that is, but it sounds bad.

9:19 p.m. Blayne grew up in a small hometown and he stood out.

I know. I know.

9:20 p.m. Keith and Kenley remind me of a guy-girl pair who bicker like they're in a relationship, only without the sex.

In other words: A married couple.

9:21 p.m. Am I the only one fearful that Stella has a hammer in her hand? I mean, was that wise?

9:22 p.m. According to Kelli, Daniel made the skirt half "rooched" and the zipper all "swably."

This must be what it feels like when a woman who has zero interest in sports watches football. Just a bunch of weird phrases and whistles.

9:23 p.m. OK, Kelli has got to stop saying "Make it work." It's not your line, sweetheart. Next time Tim sees her, he should whack her on the back of the head and shout, "Make that work, $^*%$#$!!"

9:23 p.m. Suede: "Kel saprees."

Are those words?

9:24 p.m. Terri announces to everyone that Suede's shirt is horrible.

Kel saprees.

9:28 p.m. Blayne to Tim: "Holla atcha boy."

Tim laughs.

They had a moment. How cute.

9:29 p.m. Tim is dubious over Kelli's design. Tim knows about her line stealing. It's etched on his face.

9:29 p.m. Tim likes the Suede-Terri design.

Kel saprees.

9:30 p.m. While Korto's hair is talking, I can swear that Tim steals a look at Joe that almost says: "He's gay, right?"

9:31 p.m. If Joe would just say, "Listen, I'm gay and I'm struggling to deal with it," I betcha Korto's hair would lay off on him a bit.

9:32 p.m. Kelli: "Make it work."

STOP IT!!!

9:33 p.m. Stella's wearing pink? I'm shocked. Honestly shocked.

9:33 p.m. Kenley is bagging on Daniel. Apparently, they haven't spoken since Daniel noticed she has breasts, and this is Kenley's way of dealing with the rejection.

9:33 p.m. Terri and Suede are now the best of friends. Must have been the group hug with Tim that bonded them.

9:35 p.m. Here's why I like Tim: He can say things like, "Some of you are still sewing, question mark" and still sound cool. I say things like that and I sound drunk.

9:41 p.m. Heidi. Hair down. Pink top.

An image of paddles just entered my thoughts.

Is that sexist?

9:44 p.m. Nice to see that Leanne is continuing the "hand-me-down look" tradition that Jennifer started.

9:46 p.m. What is it with Jerell's clothes when he meets the judges? Last week, it was Robin Hood. This week, he looks like he's auditioning to be a waiter at Medieval Times.

9:47 p.m. The judges hate the fact that Kelli and Daniel's design looks slutty. The sluttiness actually makes it my top choice. Me and Michael Kors should do a show together entitled "Perceptions."

9:47 p.m. Daniel has impeccable taste, according to Daniel. Kenley laughs hysterically. Daniel, lesson learned: Next time, call the girl the following day.

9:49 p.m. The judges rip Leanne and Blayne, and Blayne tries to defend himself by basically telling the judges, "Hey, you guys know I'm a psycho and haven't tanned in weeks."

Classic. Absolutely classic.

9:51 p.m. Brooke gets on the "is that a word" bandwagon:

"Labretti."

????

9:56 p.m. Keith and Kenley win!! Ruffles prevail!!

9:57 p.m. Jerell and Stella move on. Jerell is off to joust.

9:57 p.m. Blayne has left Heidi speechless. Like that's a first.

9:58 p.m. Blayne is in, and he actually looks disappointed. For Christ's sake, just put a tanning bed into his room and make his day.

9:59 p.m. Kelli's out. Jerell looks like his dog died. Pull it together, man. Jesus.

Final thoughts:

Kelli didn't deserve to go home. Forget the facts that she won once in the past and got unfairly blamed for Daniel's "swably" zippers. Kelli was the closest thing to "hot as hell" female on this show, huge tattoo on her right arm aside. What am I supposed to do now?

Beyond that, a particularly boring episode this week. Usually, I can find one main thing to harp on -- Suede on Suede, Joe's inner struggles, Stella ... (that's it. Just Stella) -- that will kill 30 minutes. But this episode was all over the place. That, combined with Tim's lack of "make it work"(s) in recent weeks, made Episode 5 a tough one to get through.

I need some bones here, people!! Perhaps Heidi can start wearing leather.

Is that sexist?

Until next time.

A Straight Man Analyzing The Looks Of The Project Runway Men: A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-10T16:09:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch today with my good friend Stephanie and she was talking about how, when she runs on the streets of West Hollywood (Steph's an avid runner) she likes to take in the eye candy that consists of the gay men that populate the city. West Hollywood, as many of you know, is considered to be a predominantly gay area and -- according to Steph -- many of them keep themselves in great shape.

This reminded me of a conversation I once had with another friend of mine, a gay male, who told me that the one similarity between gay and straight guys is that both are visual beings. In other words, neither gives a damn about all that "emotional connection" nonsense that women seem to love. Both gay and straight men base much of a mate's sex appeal on their physical apperance.

So, my gay friend told me, in many respects it's more difficult for gay men. Because unlike straight guys, who have the "emotional connection" felt by their female companions to fall back on, gay guys have only their looks and thus can never let themselves go without suffering the consequences.

So this begs the question:

Why are all the gay guys on Project Runway ugly?

I mean, if you take the facts that a) gay men need to keep up their physical apperance for the above-mentioned reasons, and b) that Project Runway is (God knows why) watched by millions, you would think the gays on the show would be compelled to look their West Hollywood eye-candy best.

Except they're ugly.

Let's review:

Blayne. The dude looks like a tanorexic clay figure who would melt if left out in the sun too long. He's ugly.

Suede. His blue mohawk makes him look like a reject for a "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" remake. He's ugly.

Jerell. His Idi Amin hat on the last episode lowered his rating. He's ugly.

Joe. That whole "I always look like I'm brooding because I'm trying to show that I'm straight, but in reality I'm overcompensating because I'm homosexual but not ready to come out of the closet yet" is downright scary. He's ugly.

And then there's Austen.

Need I say more?

Now, since I'm straight, perhaps my views are skewed. Maybe other gays find the Project Runway gays attractive. Maybe the clothes they make are a substitute for an emotional connection and thus they can get away with letting themselves go.

Or maybe Blayne needs to ditch the tanning beds, Suede needs to get his fat carcass to the gym, Jerell needs to lose the "cruel, relentless dictator" ensemble, Joe needs to lighten up, and Austen...

...needs help.

Professional help.

Blayne's Tanorexia, The First Straight Male Celebrity Judge, And Jerell's Tribute To Idi Amin: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

To my knowledge, I've done nothing in my life that goes under the category of "moral damnation." So God must be punishing me for prior-life sins. It turns out that this week's episode of Project Runway falls on Aug. 6, my birthday. Now my first instinct is to say: "Screw it, let me enjoy my birthday. The blog can wait a night." But due to my shameless promotion of this blog, people are actually reading it. For which I say thank you...

...and damn you. :-)

Plus, because my birthday falls smack dab in the middle of the work week, drinking large quantities of booze to get me through this episode is also out. So I'm calling on the next-best thing. By my side this evening is a large Meat Lover's Plus pizza from Pizza Hut; the idea being that I'll consume enough grease to put me in enough of an alcohol-like stupor to get me through the episode.

One can only hope.

With that said, here we go:

-----

9:01 p.m. Few women look good with their hair in a bun, and Heidi Klum is no exception. Women with their hair in a bun makes a man think of librarians. And have you ever seen a hot librarian?

Exactly.

9:02 p.m. Of course Kenley is going to stay with her winning model. Why would anyone not choose their winning model? It's like being a manager of a major league baseball team, having your star pitcher win 20 games for you, and then telling him, "Great job. Now get out my sight. There's a minor leaguer I want to bring up in your place." Tell me you're not seriously on pins and needles during this portion of the episode?

9:02 p.m. Back to the "women with their hair in a bun" thing for a second. You know what the other issue is? A man can't have the "pull the hair" fantasy when he sees a woman with a bun. That's a huge detriment to a woman's sex appeal.

I hope straight women reading this are taking notes. I'm giving you pearls here.

9:03 p.m. Jerell hopes the next challenge has nothing to do with female wrestlers. OK, that's a random concern.

9:03 p.m. Hair of Korto guesses that this will be a "boogie-down challenge."

Suede: "Suede loves that."

Work week be damned, where's the booze?

9:03 p.m. A "can of worms" moment:

Tim to Blayne: "How often do you like to tan?"

I fear the response.

9:03 p.m. Blayne likes to tan every other day. While others go to the gym, he says, he goes tanning.

Blayne: "I just want to go tanning."

(dramatic pause)

"Please."

Somebody help this man.

9:04 p.m. Whoa!! They're on a track. Can this be a sports challenge? I was a sportswriter back in the day, you know. Plus, I'm a straight man. I'm into physicality.

9:04 p.m. Oh Jesus. Just when I think this might actually be a "manly" challenge, they show a speed skater going around the track. Might as well be watching a ballet.

9:04 p.m. Wait, I take it back. It's Apolo Anton Ohno. I remember him from "Dancing With The Stars." He danced with Julianne Hough. She's a hottie. Apollo's OK in my book.

9:05 p.m. The challenge is women's wear for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics.

Tim: "This is an opportunity for you to consider how you would present the United States to the rest of the world."

I shudder to think what Stella will come up with. I'm guessing something involving bats.

9:06 p.m. Insight from Blayne:

"The Olympics are humongous. So big."

Thank you, Blayne.

9:06 p.m. I still can't decide whether Stella looks more or less hideous without makeup. It's like deciding whether to take the nerdy girl or the fat girl to prom. Both are horrific, but in different ways.

9:06 p.m. Apolo will be the guest judge. Finally, someone representing someone like me on some level.

9:07 p.m. Joe has watched every Olympic opening ceremony since he was 12.

Closet gay.

9:07 p.m. Terri's thinking classic Americana sportswear. Let's see what she's thinking after a line or two.

9:07 p.m. Stella -- who has just pointed out that she likes leather (as she's contractually obligated to do in every show) -- is thinking: "Bold. Progressive. Aero-dynamic. That's, like, gladiator."

Yikes.

9:08 p.m. Jennifer is thinking jogging suit. Jerell is thinking hats for women. These should join forces. Make a bold statement.

9:09 p.m. Tim seems stunned that Stella is using black. Tim...c'mon.

9:09 p.m. Did Keith take Terri's fabric? Or did Terri imagine that Keith took her fabric? Are substances involved here?

9:14 p.m. Stella says that representing America is serious business. As she wears spikes.

9:14 p.m. Want proof that there are gays in sports?

Closet Gay Joe: "I played football."

There.

9:15 p.m. Daniel's not really into anything regarding sports. That's a shock.

9:15 p.m. Daniel thinks that sports uniforms make everyone look a bit generic.

Daniel: That's. The. Point.

9:15 p.m. Blayne: "In tanning, I'm an Olympic athlete."

Agreed.

9:16 p.m. Jerell is worried that Blayne is becoming "tanorexic". But luckily, points out Jerell, Blayne has that blond highlighted hair that's keeping him alive.

That helps me sleep at night.

9:17 p.m. Jennifer has decided to stay true to her style and make doll clothes. Good for her.

9:17 p.m. Leanne doesn't think that Stella's outfit has anything to do with the Olympics. Oh gee, you don't think so? I kind of thought the black she was using would tap into the Olympic biker market.

9:18 p.m. Last week, we found out Keith liked taking pictures of himself. This week, we find out Keith was a gymnast. Every week, there's one more thing to like about Keith.

9:18 p.m. Daniel looks at Kenley's breasts. Kenley laughs. It's the first time Daniel's looked at breasts. It's the first Kenley's had her breasts looked at.

9:18 p.m. OK, at the risk of getting too graphic: Was Daniel feeling Kenley's...privates? Um...um...
9:19 p.m. A serious thing for a second. Kudos to Korto for making a life for herself here in America following her hard upbringing in Liberia. Seriously, I think that's awesome and it's nice to hear that this country really is a dream for a lot of people.

9:25 p.m. Blayne and I have something in common. Tim said his design was looking a bit "Sargeant Pepper" and neither of us have a clue what that is. A generational gap, apparently.

9:27 p.m. You know what? Jerell needs to go back to wearing hats. He looks good in hats. Hats work for him. Jerell: Hats.

9:27 p.m. Jennifer's design looks like something from "Leave It To Beaver." Maybe she's aiming to impress the judges with a "I'm gonna make you homemade cookies" vibe.

9:28 p.m. Did Tim's "Make It Work" work for you this week? Because I'll be honest: I didn't feel the energy this time. I hope he's not sick.

9:28 p.m. Kenley thinks that Daniel's design doesn't need a bolero. Daniel's wondering whether the bolero really works.

What's a bolero? Is it a pepper?

9:29 p.m. You know what's sad? Suede says that Joe's obsession with someone else using his sewing machine -- when there are 12 others available -- is "whack-a-doodle" and I actually agree. Personally, I think the strain of being in the closet so long is getting to Joe. Just come out, son. Your daughters will still love you.

9:30 p.m. Joe says there's too many queens around, and that proves my point. Him outing gays is just a defense mechanism to try and make himself feel and appear more straight. C'mon, my gay readers, tell me I'm onto something here.

9:30 p.m. Joe is ironing, for cryin' out loud!!

9:31 p.m. Kenley appears much more worried about Daniel ever since he noticed she had breasts. Kenley found a man who focuses on her boobies and she doesn't want to let him go.

9:32 p.m. Joe thinks the judges are looking for red, white and blue in clothes that represent the U.S. Olympics.

I concur.

9:32 p.m. Jerell made a hat for his model. Jerell needs to make a hat for himself. Jerell looks good in hats.

9:33 p.m. Understatement of the episode, from Terri:

"I think Jennifer is in trouble."

Uh...yeah.

9:38 p.m. Even with the short black dress, Heidi Klum doesn't do it for me when her hair's in a bun. See ladies, that's how much a bun can hurt you.

9:38 p.m. So for the last 20 minutes, I talk about how Jerell should go back to wearing hats, and what does he do? He picks something out of the Idi Amin collection. It's like he's trying to spite me.

9:40 p.m. Someone needs to tell Kelli that the competition wasn't supposed to represent "Live At The USO." Her design looks like something you'd see on a 1940s pinup calendar for boys going off to war.

9:40 p.m. Say this for Joe's design: It's American. He's got the USA logo and everything.

Speaking of Joe, guess who's wearing his clothes?

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. I can't decide which is worse: Jerell's Idi Amin hat or his design? In either case, what the...

9:41 p.m. You know what? I rag on Stella endlessly, but I'll say this: For the past three weeks, her finished product hasn't been nearly as hideous as her garbage bag dress. That's not saying much, I know, but still.

9:42 p.m. Doesn't Blayne's outfit look like something you'd wear to the tanning salon?

9:43 p.m. OK, here's why I worry about Jennifer this week. She's wearing a bulky sweater, ugly shirt, red heels and no makeup. I know she's a "sympathy vote" expert, but you can only go to the well so many times.

9:45 p.m. Man, even Apolo's rippin' on Jen's design. Now you know it's bad.

9:46 p.m. Daniel and the judges argue whether Daniel's blue is blue. And people wonder why I hate this show.

9:48 p.m. Daniel to Korto's hair: "The linen is very unique."

He has no idea what he's saying. He's just trying to sound like he does. It works, mind you. But I just wanted to point that out.

9:48 p.m. Jerell's design. Good. Lord. Me and Michael Kors start laughing.

9:50 p.m. Apolo thinks Jerell had a hard time grasping the whole "athletic" thing. Jerell's just having a bad week all around. His outfit sucks. The hat he's wearing sucks. And looking at what he's wearing a bit more closely, the words "Robin Hood" come to mind.

9:56 p.m. Korto's hair prevails. Yippee.

9:57 p.m. Jerell survives, and even he looks stunned. Now he's off to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Start with that hat.

9:57 p.m. Heidi says Daniel's dress is purple. The whole "blue" debate continues.

9:57 p.m. Jen's gone. And the fans of doll clothes mourn.

Final thoughts:

I wish they would let Blayne tan during one of these episodes, so he'll stop talking for a half-hour. Plus, I wouldn't mind if Joe ended up winning it all, if only because he'll use the stage to announce his true sexual preference. But I'm really disappointed with Jerell and Tim. Neither brought their A-game this week. Jerell's Hat-Dar was way off on all levels, and Tim's "Make It Work" just didn't give me the inspiration I was looking for on my birthday.

And you know what else? As much as I like Apolo, it's more fun to have a celebrity judge I can make fun of. Here's hoping we have no more straight male judges. Cuz it just don't work.

Until next time.

Trying To Find My Inner Homosexual To Better Understand My Project Runway Readers: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-08-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

The majority of my Project Run(A)Way readers are gay (I know, I'm as shocked as you are). Because I've been straight for all of the nearly 29 years of my life, there can't help but be a bit of a mind-set gap between myself and my gay brethren.

With that in mind, my girlfriend Ramona suggested to me that -- in an attempt to better understand my audience (and perhaps even understand the appeal of Project Runway a little more) -- I find a way to tap into my inner gay spirit that she believes all men inherently have.

Needless to say: I was dead-set against this. There are just certain things I don't want to discover, certain places of my soul I don't want to go to. I'm an "on the surface" kind of guy. I get twitchy when dealing with "deep feelings."

I'm straight. It's how God made me. Why must you judge?

Besides...

"I AM NOT WATCHING GAY PORN!!" I announced to Ramona.

Luckily, that's not what she had in mind. So after much back-and-forth, last night she took me (i.e., dragged me) to see the movie "Mamma Mia", where men who like men can watch various topless men sing and dance for no apparent reason.

And even with that, it was extraordinarily difficult to tap into my inner homosexual. At one point in the movie, Amanda Seyfried was sliding chest-first across the sand in this hot-as-hell one-piece bathing suit. Now, a little straight-man info for gay guys (straight women, too, can learn from this): In this bikini- and G-string-clad age of ours, it is ridiculously difficult to get a man foaming at the mouth wearing a one-piece. But Amanda Seyfried pulled it off like she was wearing nothing but pasties.

In fact, it stuns me that she plays a Mormon daughter on HBO's "Big Love." Were it not for the fact that I was in a happy, committed relationship (and/or didn't believe in bigamy) I'd leave my current life behind and become a grad student at BYU.

But despite these and other obstacles, I managed by the end of the movie to find a little of my deeply buried gayness (which, for the remainder of this blog, I will refer to as DBG) and made the following discovery:

If you put a loaded gun to my head and said I had to sex with a man if I didn't want my brains blow off (and came to the conclusion that this was not a fate worse than death), the man I'd choose to avoid this fate would be Pierce Bronsnan.

After all these years, the man's still got it. He's got those piercing eyes (no pun intended) that just look right through you. He meets my DBG height requirements, he's not bulky (my DBG isn't into the huge muscular look) and he still pulls off the whole "open collar, no tie" look that you just don't see anymore.

And when he took off his shirt at the end of Mamma Mia, my DBG joined the female members of the movie audience in the chorus entitled:

Damn.

Besides, Pierce also passes the "alley test."

The alley test is a test that straight men give in the rare (rare!!) times we judge the sex appeal of other men. The thinking is this: If you faced the man in question in the back of an alley, and you weren't afraid, then he ain't right for your DBG.

Brad Pitt? I could beat him senseless inside of 12 seconds. He fails the alley test.

John Stamos? Something tells me he can't take it to the body. He fails the alley test.

George Clooney? Close. But he's a bit too metrosexual. I can take him. He fails the alley test.

But Pierce Brosnan? Man, I gotta admit: I don't know. He's the thing that a lot of men fear most: The guy who doesn't look all that tough but nonetheless has a look about him that says "I know something you don't." Pierce in an alley would make me think, give me pause. And I believe he'd use that to his advantage and ram my head into a dumpster and take my wallet.

And according to my DBG: That's sexy.

So congratulations, Pierce. I would consider having sex with you if my life depended on it.

With that in mind:

I'm off to find doctored nude photos of Amanda. Cheers.

The Mainstream Media Has Taken Notice!! A Project Run(A)Way Special News Bulletin

2008-07-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

After only a few weeks, Project Run(A)way has already proven my theory that this blog will be successful because a) people love to hate things; and b) people love to read about other people hating things.

Bobby Hankinson, whose Project Runway blog for the Houston Chronicle offers lovers of the show a more "earnest approach," has cited projectrunwayhater.blogspot.com on his latest entry.

The Houston Chronicle!!

That's, like, a newspaper.

That people still read!!

Thanks, Bobby, for giving me credibility.

Now the world will do what I say.

Episode 3: Pathetic Sympathy Votes, Not Listening To The Boss And A 'Make It Work' Moment: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-07-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

Do you need to love something before you can hate something? My friend Sandy -- a Project Runway diehard -- seems to think so:

Sandy: I think that before you can really hate something or someone, you've got to really have feelings for it.

Nev: What about brussels sprouts?

Sandy: What about them?

Nev: Well, I hate brussels sprouts. They taste like fertilizer and I wish that was the vegetable with the salmonella scare so that I wouldn't have to see another one ever again. Now, brussels sprouts didn't exactly wrong me or screw me over in any way. I never had any real deep feelings for brussels sprouts prior to this hate. But it doesn't change the fact that I hate them.

Sandy: Yeah, but you can't write a blog about hating brussels sprouts.

Nev: You can if you market it properly.

BanBrusselsSprouts.blogspot.com. Coming soon.

With that said, the show is starting (joy):

-----

9:01 p.m. Daniel is bummed that Wesley is gone. I, too, am going to miss his boxer-shorts-and-red-shoes ensamble. How will we ever get by?

9:01 p.m. Could you imagine waking up to Stella every day? If you believe there's a hell, that could be your punishment for all eternity if you don't behave yourself on Earth.

9:02 p.m. Heidi is in jeans. I have a feeling this will be the high point of the show.

9:02 p.m."Suede loves Tia. He can never change. So Suede's gonna keep Tia." Every time he refers to himself in the third person during this episode, I'm going to imagine that someone is sticking an ice pick in the back of head to end my suffering.

9:02 p.m. I don't see the big deal when a certain model isn't used. I mean, as long as Topacio is still around, who really cares?

Topacio.

9:03 p.m. Quote from my girlfriend Ramona: "Wow, those are some serious bags under Stella's eyes." And cheeks. And chin. And I'm guessing a few other places.

9:03 p.m. Blayne just called Tim "Timlicious." There's gotta be some sort of automatic disqualification clause for that, doesn't there?

9:04 p.m. Suede's never seen a double decker bus before. Suede is shocked.

9:04 p.m. Blayne wants to get all dolled up and go dancing. Does the thought of this scare anyone else?

9:05 p.m. The designers have to create a look based on New York at night. If they go through the Red Light District, Stella's going to win this challenge hands down.

9:05 p.m. Korto's worried about her hair getting wet. Personally, I'm curious. If it gets wet, will it end up like a soaked mop over her face? Will she be able to see?

9:06 p.m. The last two times Suede has been on camera, he has not referred to himself as Suede. That's gotta be some kind of record.

9:06 p.m.: Blayne: "Is there any tanning salons around here?" And what's funny is, he's totally not kidding.

9:07 p.m. Jennifer (remember her? I forgot she was on the show, to be honest) is taking pictures of clocks. Of all the things in New York...clocks.

9:07 p.m. Stella can't figure out how to use her camera. Shocking, I know.

9:07 p.m. Did Keith just take a photo of himself? That's why he's my favorite. I too get inspired by photos of me.

9:07 p.m. Kelli wants to come up with an end-of-the-world kind of look. Well, that's uplifting.

9:08 p.m. Terri -- who still looks like Whitney Houston in rehab -- is taking pictures of grafitti. Wow, outside the box.

9:09 p.m. Stella is complaining that someone walked in front of her while taking a picture. That means she figured out how to turn the camera on. Way to go!!

9:10 p.m. Jerell just came out with a Noxema mask.

Blayne: "Oh Dear God."

He speaks for all of us.

9:10 p.m. You know Jerell's Noxema mask is scary when they show Blayne in tight red shorts and I don't even have anything creative to say.

9:15 p.m. There has to be some sort of government ban against men wearing pink shirts. C'mon, Blayne. I mean...dude.

9:16 p.m. The designers can finally choose their own fabric, and Stella immediately goes for the black Elvira section.

I mean, I know I shouldn't be shocked. But still...

9:17 p.m. Stella: "WHO'S HELPING ME?!?"

We're all wondering that, sweetheart.

9:17 p.m. "Suede is here to rock it." Well, that's that.

9:18 p.m. Leanne wants to base her design on a tree planter. Um...OK.

9:19 p.m. Blayne gets a psychotic look on his face and says "I'm gonna eat you." If he did that to me, I would've shot him and claimed self-defense.

9:21 p.m. Emily may add a black band. Emily may have more ruffles or less ruffles. Emily may add more color or paint it white. Emily may do something or do something else.

It's the Project Runway way of saying: "I have no %$&%* clue what I'm doing."

9:21 p.m. OMG!! Stella is wearing makeup for the first time and she looks even scarier. I honestly didn't think that was possible.

9:25 p.m. Is there a such thing as a "pathetic sympathy vote" on Project Runway? Because Jennifer always looks like a wounded prairie girl puppy. And I for one am eating it up and don't want her to go. I want to feed her soup.

9:26 p.m. Terri says she's very into the street culture and the underground scene.

Drugs.

9:27 p.m. Leanne needs to get some "pathetic sympathy vote" tips from Jennifer. Leanne sucks at sympathy. When she gives those sad little eyes, I want to spray them with mace.

9:29 p.m. You know, I was about to complain that Tim hasn't said "Make It Work" once yet on this episode. But then he does this whole "Holla atcha boy" thing and it totally makes up for it.

9:29 p.m. Tim: "Make it work."

It's officially Christmas morning.

9:30 p.m. Stella is wearing pants that make it seem like she's wearing almost nothing. And sadly, it's kind of an improvement.

9:30 p.m. Keith just asked Suede how he's doing.

"Suede's OK. How are you?"

Dude, Keith, you're opening the door for him and begging him to walk through it.

9:31 p.m. Keith loses his model. And what sucks is that he's my new favorite after Jerry's untimely demise.

I feel ill.

9:31 p.m. Tim to Keith: "It's a 'Make It Work' moment for you."

If you're not inspired by that...

9:33 p.m. Daniel just said to his model: "Can you lift the boob up a little?"

For the first time, I am considering becoming a contestant on this show

9:33 p.m. Emily's dress looks exactly like it did when Tim said he hated it. Gee, I wonder how this will end.

9:39 p.m. Back shot of Heidi. Jesus...

9:40 p.m. And the celebrity judge is ... Sandra Bernhard? The lesbian on Rosanne? Has she...like...worked in the last 12 years? What, Ralph Macchio wasn't available?

9:40 p.m. OK, I love Keith -- he takes pictures of himself -- but his dress looks like he glued pieces of trash together and took a leaf blower to it.

9:40 p.m. Topacio walks out in Joe's dress.

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. Yep, Emily made no changes after Tim's comments. Smart move, kid. Ignore the boss.

9:41 p.m. Oh Good Lord. Jennifer's dress is Little House On The Prairie in purple. Pathetic sympathy vote time!!

9:44 p.m. OK, this is going to sound sexist, but I have to say: Gray business suits do not work for women. Hell, they don't work for most men. That's why Sandra what's-her-name has gotten no employment since the mid-90s. Trust me on this one.

9:45 p.m. Keith says he got his inspiration from a magazine on the ground.

Well, that explains it.

9:45 p.m. Judge Michael Kors to Keith: "It literally looked like toilet paper caught in a windstorm."

This leads to a verbal exchange with my girlfriend Ramona:

Ramona: Nev, you and Michael Kors now see eye to eye. That means the show is rubbing off on you.

Nev: Take that back.

9:46 p.m. Sandra thinks Emily's dress is "cha-cha." Um...yeah.

9:47 p.m. If Leanne makes one more reference to how she's saving the Earth, I'm going to throw her in a trash can. The non-recycling one.

9:49 p.m. Jennifer plays up those "pathetic sympathy vote" eyes to the hilt. You watchin', Leanne?

9:50 p.m. The judges hate Emily's dress. Somewhere, somehow, Tim knows. And he's smirking.

9:56 p.m. Kenley wins. No one cares.

9:56 p.m. Jennifer is in the bottom two. But I feel confident. She's wearing hand-me-downs.

9:57 p.m. Emily is out. Tim is laughing. You know he is.

9:58 p.m. Tim sends Emily out to pack her things. If you look closely, you can see the slightest hint of a smile on the side of his mouth, as if to say:

"Told you so, you stupid %$#%*&."

Final thoughts:

OK, I'm a writer. So I know what it's like to be in love with my own work. But if my boss says, "Nevin, I think what you're writing sucks. Change it," I change it. Because not doing so is akin to hitting myself over the head with a smoking hot skillet. In the end, I'm the one who suffers.

This is the painful lesson Emily learned today.

Beyond that, Suede only referred to himself as Suede three times, which meant only three thoughts of suicide for me during the episode (well, four if you count seeing Stella's bare shoulders). So overall, I still hate the show with a passion. But I've stopped throwing things at the television.

That's progress.

Episode 2: Suede On Suede, Natalie Portman Talks Endlessly, And Topacio!! A Project Run(A)way Hater's Perspective

2008-07-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

After reading my inaugural recap on last week's season premiere of Project Runway, I enjoyed the following exchange with my mom Joyce, a Project Runway lover:

Joyce: I can't believe you don't like Project Runway!!

Nev: Why? Because I don't enjoy plastic cup dresses, clothes made out of garbage bags and Willy Wonka cross dressers?

Joyce: Austin does not look like Willy Wonka.

Nev: Oh Jesus, Mom, open your eyes. The guy wears top hats, scarves and purple. He's a psycho.

Joyce: (sigh) You like football, but you don't like Project Runway.

Nev: Yeah well...what?

Joyce: Football. You like football!!

(pause)

Nev: And this relates to clothing made out of table cloths...how?

Joyce: (exasperated) Nevin, hello? What do football players wear?

(pause)

Nev: Um...pads?

Joyce: Pads, helmets, UNIFORMS!!

(dead silence)

Joyce: Hello, uniforms? Jerseys? That's fashion. What is Project Runway about? Fashion!! See the connection?

(another pause)

Nev: My God, you're actually serious.

If this is a sign of future Project Runway conversations to come, then someone please repeatedly beat my head against Blayne's tanning bed until I hemorrhage.

Seriously.

With that in mind, Episode 2 is about to begin:

-----

9:01 p.m. Suede: "Any decision with Suede not going home is the right decision." I beg to differ, Whack-A-Doodle.

9:01 p.m. I'm not sure what looks worse: The dark green concoction Stella's drinking or Stella herself. If she loses, she could probably star in "The Nightmare Before Christmas" sequel.

9:02 p.m. So earlier this week, a buddy of mine -- who shall remain nameless in case his wife reads this blog -- says to me, "Yeah Nev, this show sucks. But Heidi Klum is hot. Those legs are awesome, bro." And so when Heidi Klum appears on camera, I look at her legs...

...and see they're covered up.

I guess this show does cater to straight women and gay men.

9:03 p.m. Joe picks Topacio as his model.

Topacio.

Tell me that's a stage name.

9:03 p.m. Jennifer picks Jerell's model and Jerell is "salty." Is that...um, bad?

9:05 p.m. Blayne says Paulina is golden. Much like Blayne.

9:05 p.m. OK, this whole "save the environment" thing has gone too far. First, I found out earlier today that the city of Los Angeles plans to ban shopping bags beginning in 2010. And now Tim says that the cocktail dresses for tonight's episode will be made out of "environmentally responsible textiles." Enough already.

9:05 p.m. Leanne says she always uses environmentally friendly fabric. I want to hit her over the head with styrofoam.

9:06 p.m. Tim is about to announce a Project Runway First. I hope I don't wet my pants.

9:06 p.m. OMG!!! THE MODELS ARE GOING TO DO THE SHOPPING!!! Luckily for them, Stella's garbage bag fiasco from last week sets the bar low.

9:06 p.m. OK I'm sorry, but Stella complaining about someone else picking out her fabric is like listening to someone complain that Bill Gates is investing their money. May she be damned to spend the rest of her life making clothes for pimps and prostitutes!!

Oh wait...

9:06 p.m. Joe to Topacio: "You better get some gooood stuff."

Not very interesting, I know. But I just wanted an excuse to write "Topacio" again.

9:07 p.m. The cover of Elle magazine is shown, with Mary Kate Olsen on it. Now that's just unnecessary.

9:07 p.m. One of the models says to a store clerk: "I'm looking for color."

Wow.

9:08 p.m. Model Runa gets peacock feathers. I feel a Tim "Make it work" moment coming on.

9:09 p.m. Jerell uses the phrase "Remnants of nonsense." You know, that's not bad. I'm gonna steal that.

9:09 p.m. My TV is covered in hair. The camera must be on Korto.

9:09 p.m. Kenley starts talking about jersey fabric. Now, what the hell is jersey fabric? Is this one of those "all straight women and gay men instinctly know what that is, but straight males don't" things, or are you as lost as I am? You can be honest. We don't judge here.

9:09 p.m. Keith: "What am I gonna do with peacock feathers and peacock trim?" I hear ya, Keith. Peacock feathers are remnants of nonsense.

9:10 p.m. Suede wants to put Suede into his dress. Nev wants to puke in Nev's toilet.

9:10 p.m. Stella's model is earthy, but Stella is urban. How will they co-exist?

9:11 p.m. Stella has no strategy. Yeah, that's a first.

9:16 p.m. Blayne called Heidi Klum "Darthlicious." If George Lucas is watching, please sue him for copyright infringment.

9:17 p.m. Joe is frustrated that Topacio only got him 2 yards of fabric.

Topacio.

9:18 p.m. Stella is aiming to make a dress that looks like her. I weep for her model.

9:18 p.m. Stella: "The judges need to know who I am." Can't they just watch re-runs of Tales From The Crypt?

9:18 p.m. "Suede decides to cut out all these strips. Suede loves that." What else do you love, Suede?

9:18 p.m. Good Lord, he did not just seriously answer my question.

"Suede loves long walks on the beach and loves working with small pieces of fabric."

He also says he's bi-sexual. I refuse to believe he's been with women. I mean...no.

9:19 p.m. Suede: "Suede's really sad."

Keith: "That's great, dude."

I like Keith. He's my new favorite.

9:20 p.m. Korto's hair is concerned.

9:21 p.m. Tim's here. Make it work. Make it work.

9:21 p.m. Tim tells Hair of Korto to work. But not to "make it work."

I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

9:21 p.m. Suede tells Tim he's a little crazy.

Tim: "Crazy how?"

Tim. C'mon.

9:22 p.m. Tim can't hide the truth from me. He tells Suede he's excited about his crepe paper of a dress. But his eyes say "Good Lord, you're a moron. And your blue mohawk is ugly."

9:23 p.m. Camera on Joe.

Topacio.

9:24 p.m. NO IMMUNITY!! WINNER'S DRESS TO BE SOLD!! YET-TO-BE-ANNOUNCED HOLLYWOOD STAR TO BE A JUDGE!!!

I gotta pee.

9:28 p.m. Suede and Blayne are making fun of Stella. It's like watching a science nerd and a math dork make fun of a computer geek.

9:29 p.m. Keith is making Daniel's bed. Mmm-hmm.

9:31 p.m. YES!!! Tim said, "Make it work." My spirits are lifted.

9:31 p.m. Gotta say this about Tim here: Great suit. See how good someone can look when you ignore environmentally responsible textiles?

9:32 p.m. Suede calls his model the "Hostess with the Mostess." Can someone hit him with a Whack-A-Doodle?

9:33 p.m. Wesley and Daniel are concerned. Personally, if one of them went home...I'd get by.

9:33 p.m. I've discovered a vicious cycle. I hate Suede. Suede knows I hate Suede. Yet Suede knows that whenever Suede talks about Suede, I write about it. Which gives Suede the publicity that Suede is looking for.

Suede has me between a rock and a hard place. And Suede knows it.

9:38 p.m. WHOA!!! Heidi looks hot as hell!! Finally, something for the straight guy.

9:39 p.m. Heidi has spoken for a full minute, and I swear I don't hear a word she says. I'm undressing her with my eyes. Damn you, Seal.

9:39 p.m. Guest judge and actress Natalie Portman is also an environmental activist. She puts her plastic diet coke bottles in the blue recycling bins, you see.

9:40 p.m. Joe speaks.

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. Natalie Portman is taking notes like her opinion matters. That's so cute.

9:41 p.m. Topacio goes down the runway.

Topacio.

9:42 p.m. Damn it, Suede's dress isn't hideous. One more week of Suede on Suede, I fear.

9:42 p.m. Stella picks the fabric? Garbage bag dress. Stella's model picks the fabric. Actual dress. Coincidence? You decide.

9:43 p.m. What the hell did Korto make? I think her hair got in the way again.

9:43 p.m. Terri's face looks like she hit the drug scene a smidge too hard during the 80s. C'mon, you're thinking the same thing.

9:44 p.m. Is Wesley wearing boxer shorts with red shoes? If so...why?

9:45 p.m. Natalie speaks. No one listens.

9:46 p.m. Natalie says that Stella's dress fits nicely.

Thanks.

9:47 p.m. We've finally able to pull ourselves away from Korto's hair, but she's covered her face because her dress sucks!! Oh Noes!!

9:48 p.m. Natalie would wear Suede's dress. Natalie is on my list.

9:56 p.m. Suede wins. God's punishing me for previous sins.

9:56 p.m. Was Natalie giving Suede the eye? Ewwwww!!!

9:57 p.m. Suede: "Suede %%$#&* rocked it!!" And then he starts talking about how proud his mom would be, as if he's trying to end the episode by getting on my good side. No way, pal. Nev does not get manipulated that easily. Nev's too smart for you.

9:58 p.m. Wesley is in the bottom two. And his outfit can't be helping him right now.

9:58 p.m. Wesley's out.

Note to Wesley:

Next time, wear pants.

Final thoughts:

The only good things about this episode were a) Heidi Klum's black dress; and b) that Wesley forgot to wear matching clothes, which no doubt led to his getting voted out (trust me on this one, people). Other that, listening to Suede on Suede was akin to getting Chinese water torture. And Tim's gonna have to throw out some more "Make it work"s at me to keep me going.

And it wouldn't hurt if Leanne wore makeup and Stella...looked less like Stella.

Until next time:

Topacio!!

--------

The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/

Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at http://www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com/

Prince Gomolvilas: He's gay, he's Asian, he's a playright and he has a cat named Pork Chop that weighs 19.8 pounds. What more need be said? Get his perspective at http://www.bamboonation.blogspot.com/

Episode 1: Trash Bags, A Willy Wonka Wannabe And A Drinking Game For How Many Times Tim Says "Make It Work": A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-07-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

I want to go on record right now: I think this is a bad idea. In fact, I am convinced that I will immediately regret this decision. There have been only two times in my life when I've felt this "immediate decision regret":

---When I spit in the face of a middle school bully who was 60 pounds heavier and six inches taller than me (we had a philosophical difference).

---And when I asked my mom when I was 9 years old whether women were required to cook and clean, and needed special permission from men to have jobs.

That question didn't go over so well.

Nonetheless, here we are. I am mere moments away from the premiere of Project Runway, which means I am moments away from seeing more of this show than I have ever seen before (or want to). I know nothing about this show except for the following:

The name of the show.

The fact that it's about fashion.

And that it's primary audience is straight women and gay men.

(and since I'm a straight man...I guess that puts me on the outs).

Yep: Regret this decision.

But I made a commitment to give a hater's perspective to Project Runway, and a hater's perspective we shall give. So without further ado, the show is about to begin:

9:01 p.m. Stella designs clothes for rockers, hookers and pimps. Well aren't you a productive member of society.

9:02 p.m. OK, we've met about half a dozen contestants thus far, and with the exception of Jerry (whose clothes he designs are the only ones that look semi-normal), our group consists of pimp-dresser-to-the-stars Stella, tanning-obsessive Blayne, and Jennifer, who describes her style as "Holly Go Lightly Goes To Salvador Dali Exhibit."

Note to Jen: The stuff you make looks like something a crack whore would wear. And describing your style in such a way that no one can decipher does not change the fact that your clothes scream "crack whore."

9:03 p.m. "Suede needs to make millions for Suede." And Suede needs someone to tell him that the blue-haired punk look died around the mid 1980s. Seeing him with a pair of scissors is an image that will haunt me in the weeks to come, I'm sure.

9:03 p.m. Korto has been in five scenes so far and I've yet to see her face. Her hair keeps getting in the way. Jesus, it's like Tina Turner is living on her head.

9:04 p.m. Joe says he's on this show because of his daughters. I'm guessing closet gay.

9:05 p.m. OK, so when everyone was on the roof to meet the judges and they did a wide overhead shot, all I could see was Korto's hair. I swear, that thing could block the sun. Where's Suede's scissors?

9:07 p.m. They just did a close-up of Blayne. Christ, he looks hideous. Yet he's so ugly that I actually had to pause my TV and let it sink in (almost as if to punish myself). If he loses here, he should get a job at Sunset Tan.

9:08 p.m. Does Tim always look that good at 4 a.m.?

9:10 p.m. Who the hell is Austin Scarlett and what the hell is he wearing? He looks like Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

9:11 p.m. Watching the contestants running around like morons in a grocery store. Stella says "I'm gonna make what I know how to make" while holding garbage bags.

Yep, that about sums it up.

9:18 p.m. Suede did not just say "whack-a-doodle."

9:19 p.m. Tim: "Make it work." How can you not be inspired?

9:21 p.m. I like Jerry. He insults everybody's stuff and yet does so without moving his head unnecessarily and saying "whack-a-doodle." I respect that.

9:22 p.m. Stella just rolled up her trash bags and proclaimed, "This is the worst fabric." I have no words.

9:23 p.m. Tim has informed Stella that the judges don't want to see a black trash bag down the runway. The wisdom of a professional.

9:25 p.m. How many times an episode does Tim say "make it work"? Christ, that's gonna get old fast.

9:28 p.m. Blayne's garment looks like something from the Wonder Woman superhero outfit reject pile.

9:35 p.m. God, I'm bored. I'm watching everyone walking down the runway and everyone's talking about how great and innovative and bold their stuff is. They all say the same thing and it's making me lose my motivation. I need an inspirational "make it work" from Tim.

9:36 p.m. What the HELL did Blayne make?

9:46 p.m. Austin is back. I'm waiting for him to pass out Wonka Bars.

9:47 p.m. Great. They hate Jerry's design and he's the only guy I like. Please don't tell me they're gonna eliminate him before the garbage bag lady. I need at least one person to try and relate to.

9:48 p.m. Shot of Austin. I've got a golden ticket....

9:49 p.m. The judges ask Blayne: "What is this?" I would've followed up with: "Have you ever considered sunscreen?"

9:51 p.m. The judges deliberate. I pour myself some Diet Pepsi.

9:53 p.m. I just had a thought during the commercial break: Austin gets his fashion ideas from the Oompa Loompas.

It makes sense when you think about it.

9:56 p.m. Korto is safe. Maybe next week, we'll see her face.

9:58 p.m. OH GREAT!!! Jerry is gone even though Stella made a trash bag with tassels and Blayne makes...whatever the hell that was. What am I supposed to for the next three months? Listen to Suede talk about Suede? Sift through Korto's hair? What about me and my needs?

Overall first impressions:

You honestly can make a drinking game out of how many times Tim says "make it work." In fact, this may be the only way I can get through the remaining episodes. Christ, that was boring. Why is watching someone make a dress out of plastic cups interesting? Is there a reason why there wasn't a little voice inside Stella's head telling her that trash bags were maybe, just maybe, not the way to go?

And as for Austin...

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do.

I like Jerell's hats, though.

I gotta say: They work.

Until next time.

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The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at www.nevdogg.blogspot.com

Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com

Writing A Blog On A Show You Hate. Now That's Different: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

2008-07-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

Anybody can write a blog on a show they like.

That's easy. You're a fan of a show. You love a show. You refuse not only to miss an episode, but insist that you watch it when it first airs (TIVO and DVR be damned). You watch every move, nuance, flaw. Nothing escapes your eye. Then, you excitedly go onto your computer and share your thoughts with the world via your "enter your favorite show here and let me tell you what I think" blog and then proceed to read 5,000 other "enter your favorite show here and let me tell you what I think" blogs that essentially say the same thing.

If you're a fan of a show, you will involve yourself in this scenario every single week, and happily so. It's not work. It's a hobby. And you love it.

Fan blogs: It's been done the world over.

This is what I was in the process of explaining to my girlfriend, L.A. Daily News sports columnist Ramona Shelburne, recently when she suggested that I start a fan blog on a TV show I like. I'm a writer and editor and already host a blog (http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/) and podcast (http://www.mikeandnev.blogspot.com/), so this idea of me writing a fan blog wasn't a bad one. But I hesitated. What could I possibly say that hasn't been said? What approach could I possibly take that hadn't been done?

And then...

"Hey babe," I said, "when does Project Runway start?"

"Project Runway?" she replied. "I thought you hated that show."

"Exactly," I said. "It's boring, pretentious, snobbish, deals with ugly fashion and stupid hairdos, and it would be a miracle if I was able to watch an entire episode without wanting to chuck my head through the television set.

"Now that would be a blog."

And here we are.

My name is Nevin Barich. I'm from Los Angeles and grew up in California's San Fernando Valley. I enjoy chili cheeseburgers and anything wrapped in bacon. I like sports, action movies, and the only reality shows I like are Survivor, Apprentice and Hogan Knows Best. My fashion sense includes holes in my socks and shirts I still own from the seventh grade. To this day, I wear my high school gym shorts to sleep because they're roomy and I look good in them.

I've seen approximately 13 minutes of Project Runway in my lifetime and hated every second of it. Nonetheless, I am going to watch every episode this season and give you an entirely new perspective: The Hater's Perspective.

This...is Project Run(A)way.

God help us all.

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(The idiocy of thank-you cards. The de-evolution of Super Bowl parties. And how Beverly Hills 90210 showed us...the way. These all-too-important topics, and many more, are tackled every week at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/)

(Lindsay Lohan's lebanism. How robots are portrayed in Hollywood. And Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer sharing a ham sandwich. These subjects are stupid, pointless and irrelevant. In short: They're the things that matter most. Listen about these topics and more on the podcast "Things That Matter With Mike And Nev," only at http://www.nevdogg.blogspot.com/)