Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Episode 3: Pathetic Sympathy Votes, Not Listening To The Boss And A 'Make It Work' Moment: A Project Run(A)Way Hater's Perspective

Do you need to love something before you can hate something? My friend Sandy -- a Project Runway diehard -- seems to think so:

Sandy: I think that before you can really hate something or someone, you've got to really have feelings for it.

Nev: What about brussels sprouts?

Sandy: What about them?

Nev: Well, I hate brussels sprouts. They taste like fertilizer and I wish that was the vegetable with the salmonella scare so that I wouldn't have to see another one ever again. Now, brussels sprouts didn't exactly wrong me or screw me over in any way. I never had any real deep feelings for brussels sprouts prior to this hate. But it doesn't change the fact that I hate them.

Sandy: Yeah, but you can't write a blog about hating brussels sprouts.

Nev: You can if you market it properly.

BanBrusselsSprouts.blogspot.com. Coming soon.

With that said, the show is starting (joy):

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9:01 p.m. Daniel is bummed that Wesley is gone. I, too, am going to miss his boxer-shorts-and-red-shoes ensamble. How will we ever get by?

9:01 p.m. Could you imagine waking up to Stella every day? If you believe there's a hell, that could be your punishment for all eternity if you don't behave yourself on Earth.

9:02 p.m. Heidi is in jeans. I have a feeling this will be the high point of the show.

9:02 p.m."Suede loves Tia. He can never change. So Suede's gonna keep Tia." Every time he refers to himself in the third person during this episode, I'm going to imagine that someone is sticking an ice pick in the back of head to end my suffering.

9:02 p.m. I don't see the big deal when a certain model isn't used. I mean, as long as Topacio is still around, who really cares?

Topacio.

9:03 p.m. Quote from my girlfriend Ramona: "Wow, those are some serious bags under Stella's eyes." And cheeks. And chin. And I'm guessing a few other places.

9:03 p.m. Blayne just called Tim "Timlicious." There's gotta be some sort of automatic disqualification clause for that, doesn't there?

9:04 p.m. Suede's never seen a double decker bus before. Suede is shocked.

9:04 p.m. Blayne wants to get all dolled up and go dancing. Does the thought of this scare anyone else?

9:05 p.m. The designers have to create a look based on New York at night. If they go through the Red Light District, Stella's going to win this challenge hands down.

9:05 p.m. Korto's worried about her hair getting wet. Personally, I'm curious. If it gets wet, will it end up like a soaked mop over her face? Will she be able to see?

9:06 p.m. The last two times Suede has been on camera, he has not referred to himself as Suede. That's gotta be some kind of record.

9:06 p.m.: Blayne: "Is there any tanning salons around here?" And what's funny is, he's totally not kidding.

9:07 p.m. Jennifer (remember her? I forgot she was on the show, to be honest) is taking pictures of clocks. Of all the things in New York...clocks.

9:07 p.m. Stella can't figure out how to use her camera. Shocking, I know.

9:07 p.m. Did Keith just take a photo of himself? That's why he's my favorite. I too get inspired by photos of me.

9:07 p.m. Kelli wants to come up with an end-of-the-world kind of look. Well, that's uplifting.

9:08 p.m. Terri -- who still looks like Whitney Houston in rehab -- is taking pictures of grafitti. Wow, outside the box.

9:09 p.m. Stella is complaining that someone walked in front of her while taking a picture. That means she figured out how to turn the camera on. Way to go!!

9:10 p.m. Jerell just came out with a Noxema mask.

Blayne: "Oh Dear God."

He speaks for all of us.

9:10 p.m. You know Jerell's Noxema mask is scary when they show Blayne in tight red shorts and I don't even have anything creative to say.

9:15 p.m. There has to be some sort of government ban against men wearing pink shirts. C'mon, Blayne. I mean...dude.

9:16 p.m. The designers can finally choose their own fabric, and Stella immediately goes for the black Elvira section.

I mean, I know I shouldn't be shocked. But still...

9:17 p.m. Stella: "WHO'S HELPING ME?!?"

We're all wondering that, sweetheart.

9:17 p.m. "Suede is here to rock it." Well, that's that.

9:18 p.m. Leanne wants to base her design on a tree planter. Um...OK.

9:19 p.m. Blayne gets a psychotic look on his face and says "I'm gonna eat you." If he did that to me, I would've shot him and claimed self-defense.

9:21 p.m. Emily may add a black band. Emily may have more ruffles or less ruffles. Emily may add more color or paint it white. Emily may do something or do something else.

It's the Project Runway way of saying: "I have no %$&%* clue what I'm doing."

9:21 p.m. OMG!! Stella is wearing makeup for the first time and she looks even scarier. I honestly didn't think that was possible.

9:25 p.m. Is there a such thing as a "pathetic sympathy vote" on Project Runway? Because Jennifer always looks like a wounded prairie girl puppy. And I for one am eating it up and don't want her to go. I want to feed her soup.

9:26 p.m. Terri says she's very into the street culture and the underground scene.

Drugs.

9:27 p.m. Leanne needs to get some "pathetic sympathy vote" tips from Jennifer. Leanne sucks at sympathy. When she gives those sad little eyes, I want to spray them with mace.

9:29 p.m. You know, I was about to complain that Tim hasn't said "Make It Work" once yet on this episode. But then he does this whole "Holla atcha boy" thing and it totally makes up for it.

9:29 p.m. Tim: "Make it work."

It's officially Christmas morning.

9:30 p.m. Stella is wearing pants that make it seem like she's wearing almost nothing. And sadly, it's kind of an improvement.

9:30 p.m. Keith just asked Suede how he's doing.

"Suede's OK. How are you?"

Dude, Keith, you're opening the door for him and begging him to walk through it.

9:31 p.m. Keith loses his model. And what sucks is that he's my new favorite after Jerry's untimely demise.

I feel ill.

9:31 p.m. Tim to Keith: "It's a 'Make It Work' moment for you."

If you're not inspired by that...

9:33 p.m. Daniel just said to his model: "Can you lift the boob up a little?"

For the first time, I am considering becoming a contestant on this show

9:33 p.m. Emily's dress looks exactly like it did when Tim said he hated it. Gee, I wonder how this will end.

9:39 p.m. Back shot of Heidi. Jesus...

9:40 p.m. And the celebrity judge is ... Sandra Bernhard? The lesbian on Rosanne? Has she...like...worked in the last 12 years? What, Ralph Macchio wasn't available?

9:40 p.m. OK, I love Keith -- he takes pictures of himself -- but his dress looks like he glued pieces of trash together and took a leaf blower to it.

9:40 p.m. Topacio walks out in Joe's dress.

Topacio.

9:41 p.m. Yep, Emily made no changes after Tim's comments. Smart move, kid. Ignore the boss.

9:41 p.m. Oh Good Lord. Jennifer's dress is Little House On The Prairie in purple. Pathetic sympathy vote time!!

9:44 p.m. OK, this is going to sound sexist, but I have to say: Gray business suits do not work for women. Hell, they don't work for most men. That's why Sandra what's-her-name has gotten no employment since the mid-90s. Trust me on this one.

9:45 p.m. Keith says he got his inspiration from a magazine on the ground.

Well, that explains it.

9:45 p.m. Judge Michael Kors to Keith: "It literally looked like toilet paper caught in a windstorm."

This leads to a verbal exchange with my girlfriend Ramona:

Ramona: Nev, you and Michael Kors now see eye to eye. That means the show is rubbing off on you.

Nev: Take that back.

9:46 p.m. Sandra thinks Emily's dress is "cha-cha." Um...yeah.

9:47 p.m. If Leanne makes one more reference to how she's saving the Earth, I'm going to throw her in a trash can. The non-recycling one.

9:49 p.m. Jennifer plays up those "pathetic sympathy vote" eyes to the hilt. You watchin', Leanne?

9:50 p.m. The judges hate Emily's dress. Somewhere, somehow, Tim knows. And he's smirking.

9:56 p.m. Kenley wins. No one cares.

9:56 p.m. Jennifer is in the bottom two. But I feel confident. She's wearing hand-me-downs.

9:57 p.m. Emily is out. Tim is laughing. You know he is.

9:58 p.m. Tim sends Emily out to pack her things. If you look closely, you can see the slightest hint of a smile on the side of his mouth, as if to say:

"Told you so, you stupid %$#%*&."

Final thoughts:

OK, I'm a writer. So I know what it's like to be in love with my own work. But if my boss says, "Nevin, I think what you're writing sucks. Change it," I change it. Because not doing so is akin to hitting myself over the head with a smoking hot skillet. In the end, I'm the one who suffers.

This is the painful lesson Emily learned today.

Beyond that, Suede only referred to himself as Suede three times, which meant only three thoughts of suicide for me during the episode (well, four if you count seeing Stella's bare shoulders). So overall, I still hate the show with a passion. But I've stopped throwing things at the television.

That's progress.


21 comments:

Jessie David Leger said...

OMG! I am in love with Project Runway, but I'm going to read your blog every week. It's hilarious!

Blau said...

Nev, you are the reason I am watching this season of Project Runway. You give me the strength to make it through each episode, because Stella alone wearing tights and short-shorts is enough to make me want to watch something - anything - else.

Thank you.

Topacio.

Nev said...

Blau/Topacio, I'm glad I can be of service. I, for one, also draw strength from another to get through each show.

His name is Jack Daniels.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I want to thank you for exlaining the show. I'm Topacio, and it makes much more sense here then it did durng filming. I'm so like, "Oh, I get it now." You are proiding a great service.
kisses.

p/s I'm glad you like my name :)
p/ss Jerry was an uber monkey queen

Sydd said...

Nev, I love your blog. It makes me giggle madly. I'm glad Blau introduced me, because I read it after every episode now.

Topacio.

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